Supporting change

Helping other people understand unschooling isn't easy. It can take months or years for people to get it. For natural learning to flourish with them, they need to change the way they act and even the way they see learning and education. In discussions and on message boards and at conferences, people's thinking can seem to have been criticized, and some object. They want the speakers or writers to soften up, ease up, "support them." There's a difference between supporting changing in order to better understand unschooling, and the vanilla "support" that women can become accustomed to. Nice noise and soothing words of praise are what many people think of as "support."

SandraDodd.com/support/problem
photo by Sandra Dodd
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Learn and be an example

Colleen Prieto wrote:

Realize your unschooling life and someone else’s unschooling life won’t look exactly just the same, and that’s because your kids and their kids, your partner and their partner, your house and their house, your interests and their interests… they’re not the same either. But still read, talk, and think about what you are doing, and listen to what others are doing. Learn from the example of people who have been there/done that, and be an example for those who will come after you on the unschooling path.

—Colleen Prieto

From Colleen's writings at the bottom here: SandraDodd.com/video/doright
photo by Sandra Dodd
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It depends

A question like "should I buy this, yes or no?" isn't the kind of questions others can answer very well. And if we did, we'd need to say WHY we thought so, which would involve explaining a principle. And with all of the best answers, it needs to start, "It depends."

SandraDodd.com/rulebound
photo by Sandra Dodd
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Anything but that...

Deb Lewis, on responding to a child who has expressed a feeling of boredom:

Put her on your lap and snuggle and visit awhile. Talk about something interesting you read in the newspaper, tell her you're going to make her favorite thing for dinner, talk about anything at all except why she shouldn't be bored. Pull out a game she really likes and sit and play with her. Go for a walk around the neighborhood together. Invite her to make cupcakes.

She's not so much interested in you telling her what to do or why she shouldn't be bored. She wants you to help her feel better. Spend time with her talking and doing and that will help.

—Deb Lewis

SandraDodd.com/BoredNoMore
photo by Sandra Dodd

Seeing patterns

Humans look for patterns. There are patterns in sound, story, colors, words, designs and textures. Needlework, architecture and ironwork. Waves, clouds, and snow. Puzzles, mazes and games. Cosmic, microscopic and temporary patterns are all around us.

SandraDodd.com/seeingitcomments
photo by Sandra Dodd
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They *know* things.

Teens who were always unschooled *know* things that other people don't know. My children, for example, know one can learn to read without being taught. They don't think it, kind of believe it, or have a theory about it. They know that it's possible to be honest and trust your parents. They know it's possible for a fourteen year old girl to hang out with her older brothers pleasantly and at their request. They understand why those with unlimited TV in their own rooms can go a long time without turning it on, or why they might want to leave it on to sleep. They have years of experience with the fact that someone with the freedom to choose to stay awake will get sleepy at some point and want to go to bed and sleep. They all understand when it's worth going to sleep even though fun things are going on, and they know how to decide when it's worth setting an alarm to get up.

There are many adults who don't know those things.

"Unschooled Teens: How are they as people?"
SandraDodd.com/teen/people
photo by Sandra Dodd, of three teens on the way to a party together, long ago
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A changing environment

Many parents want to change the child, instead of changing the child's environment by (in large part) changing themselves.


SandraDodd.com/being
photo by Chrissy Florence
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Softer and Safer

The Parenting Peacefully page has something at the bottom about making better choices. This can move you from wherever you are to wherever you want to be. It will take dozens or thousands of choices, and sometimes you'll be hungry or angry or tired and might speak or act in a way you didn't choose—that just popped out—but if you see it as a single moment, a single incident, and put THAT in with the bad examples, you can be a softer, safer element in your child's life and in your own.

SandraDodd.com/choices
photo by Sandra Dodd
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The distant future...

If you're looking up at the Sky of Imagined Tomorrow, you're going to stumble on something with your very next step. Look at where you are.

SandraDodd.com/moment
photo by Colleen Prieto
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Air and sunshine

Lay your fears out to dry in the air and sunshine.


SandraDodd.com/gradualchange
photo by Janine (click it, and again, for details)
(I'm grateful to Mia Fiore for saying something nice about the quote, and so inspiring me to use it.)

Being; trusting; seeing

"Unschooling, in a very real sense, is a mindfulness practice. Being in the moment with our children, trusting the flow of life, seeing our connections to them and to all of the universe." —Ren Allen

SandraDodd.com/parentingpeacefully
I don't remember who took the photo, but it's of me, Marty and Kirby

They just like it

My children have curiosity and joy and compassion. I will not trade that for all the worksheets in the state. My children have never 'gotten an F' and they've never gotten an A. They like learning because they like it.

SandraDodd.com/media/ABQjournal
photo by Lisa Jonick
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Beauty in the moment

Parvine Shahid wrote:

Eyo and I were looking through photos and we came across a couple he had taken during our last flight from London.

I was reminded of that moment we were sitting on the plane, looking out of the window. He decided to take some pictures and said, "We are out of Earth—it looks like we could walk on the clouds!"

The world can look very different in each moment and that reminded me of the importance of slowing down to be able to see the beauty in each one.

—Parvine Shahid

SandraDodd.com/wonder
photo by Eyo Shahid (click it, to enlarge)

One of the best parts

"If you want to unschool. You should be willing to—expecting to—rejoicing to!—grow and change. It's one of the best parts." —Lisa J Haugen in a facebook discussion

photo by Sandra Dodd

Mystery word history

Many words carry a story with them. Why an old word here, and a new word there? If you can't figure it out, maybe you know someone you could ask, or you could look around.


Don't believe every word-history story you read on the internet; there's some nonsense, but you can learn how to double-check, and after playing with etymology a while, you'll get better at spotting fiction.

SandraDodd.com/etymology
photo by Holly Dodd, in India

Special places

What memories, sights and sounds can make a place special?

SandraDodd.com/nest
photo by Marta Pires (but the tent is here, too)
Other special-place posts:
Normal or exotic? and Learning at home, and in other special places

Words and thoughts

Words and thoughts are what you will use to change your beliefs and behaviors.

SandraDodd.com/words
Tool used to create the image is gone now. Sorry.
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Do, offer, think

"When we can we should always do more, offer more, think more, and make our bit of the world as big and full as we can for our kids. Our kid's lives get bigger and better when our thinking gets bigger and better."

—Deb Lewis

SandraDodd.com/deblewis
photo by Rippy Dusseldorp
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Lack of control

You don't need to control yourself to keep yourself from being controlling. Make generous, kind choices, over and over, as often as you can.

SandraDodd.com/battle
photo by Sandra Dodd
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Real and good reasons

Every choice you make should be made consciously, thoughtfully, for real and good reasons.

SandraDodd.com/decisions
photo by Sandra Dodd

The safest place

Make yourself your child's safest place in the world, and many of your old concerns will just disappear.

Being a safe place
photo by Rippy Dusseldorp
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Kids blossom

Kids blossom and get bigger from doing adult things because they want to, instead of kid-things they have to do because they're small.

SandraDodd.com/choices
photo by Colleen Prieto
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Power

"I want my kids to feel empowered, so I empower them." —Jenny Cyphers

SandraDodd.com/jennycyphers/
photo by Rippy Dusseldorp

Love and respect

"Start with love and respect and all the good things follow—it is not magic, and it is a lot of hard work especially at the beginning."

—Marina DeLuca-Howard

(one day on Always Learning)
photo by Chrissy Florence
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What the...

"People learn by playing, thinking and amazing themselves. They learn while they're laughing at something surprising, and they learn while they're wondering 'What the heck is this?'"—Sandra Dodd


SandraDodd.com/unschooling

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Note: The quote lives at that address, but (awkwardly) it also shows up in the random quote in the upper corner, with my name after it (as above).

A sweet message arrived from Tan Hibbert:

Hi Sandra,

I just wanted to share this funny story. My son Angel (9) was reading to me the daily quote from the top right corner of your website, he read it out loud as this:

People learn by playing, thinking and amazing themselves. They learn while they're laughing at something surprising, and they learn while they're wondering "What the heck is this Sandra Dodd?"

We both laughed heaps!

Tan Hibbert

photo by Sandra Dodd's computer (you can click it bigger)

Books and clocks. . . music, blocks

Meredith Novak wrote, on facebook:

If you live in a home with books and clocks, movies, music, blocks, games, dishes, furniture, toys, clothes, the internet, and adults who are interested in kids, then you have "the basics" all around your kids all the time. And because those basics are there, kids will learn about them&mdashthey'll learn that words are a valuable tool and there are many ways to use them. They'll learn that numbers and patterns are as useful as words and sometimes better than words for a given purpose. They'll learn those things without lessons, living and playing and snuggling on the couch with you without ever needing to draw a line between those things and learning. —Meredith Novak *

SandraDodd.com/meredithnovak
photo by Sandra Dodd
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No pressure

There was a question once about a resistant child.

Model trains, WWII, Japan—any obsession or "limited" interest touches on geography, history, materials, technology, cause and effect, human actors, religion, engineering, art, languages, all kinds of stuff.

The best thing an unschooled child can have is a parent who realizes there is learning in everything. As to "resist," it can only happen in response to force or pressure, right? Parents should resist pressuring their kids, I think.

SandraDodd.com/panel
photo by Sandra Dodd
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Old and new

Right between the past and the future, here we are. What's new today is getting old tomorrow.

Be glad to be there as the future reveals itself. You'll be able to say "I remember when that was new..."

SandraDodd.com/t/history
photo by Sandra Dodd, of part of The London Eye
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Regrets

I regret some times I spoke without thinking first, without breathing first.

Live (think, breathe) as well as you can now so your own list of regrets will be as short as it can be. You will sleep better in future years if you breathe before you speak today.

SandraDodd.com/breathing
photo by Sandra Dodd

Do things and go places

Say “yes” a lot. Do things and go places and explore the world together with your family — whether the world, to you, means your backyard, your neighborhood, your town, your state/country, or a giant chunk of the globe.

—Colleen Prieto

From Colleen's writings at the bottom of: SandraDodd.com/video/doright
photo by Claire Horsley

Exotic whatever

Look around for what is new and different.

Be open to unexpected art.

Words are new, but the ideas are a good match for:
Suggestions for Creating Abundance when Funds are Low
photo by Sandra Dodd

Being more present will help.

When connection is good, parents see up close their children's needs, wishes, delights, hesitations, frustrations, joys, interests, ways, limitations and so on, and creatively support them there.

When connection is less good, parents sometimes see their children as needy, demanding or unreasonable, and focus on dealing with practicalities rather than on the child and her needs.

—Debbie Regan

SandraDodd.com/being
(but the quote is from an Always Learning post here)
photo by Colleen Prieto
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Little actions

"Show him by your little actions throughout the day that you love him."

—Pam Sorooshian

SandraDodd.com/peace/becoming
photo by Sarah Dickinson
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Sharing movies with our kids

Movies touch and show just about everything in the world. There are movies about history and movies that are history. There are movies about art and movies that are art. There are movies about music and movies that would be nearly nothing in the absence of their soundtracks. Movies show us different places and lifestyles, real and imagined.

SandraDodd.com/movies
photo by Sandra Dodd
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Respecting young children

Too often, parents expect too much of children younger than seven. Try to respect their imaginary friends or their theories of how the world might work. Don't discourage their fantasies.

SandraDodd.com/piaget
photo by Julie D
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Actually change!

"I practiced saying yes. That was the only way to make changes. To actually change. My thoughts changed gradually as I said yes. Yes to cookies, yes to grapes, yes to letting go of "good" and "bad" labels for food."

—Karen Angstadt

SandraDodd.com/change
photo by Sandra Dodd, of an Australian salad with mouse melons
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Native habitats

Joyce Fetteroll wrote:

It's important to observe radically unschooled kids rather than kids in general because kids in general are shaped by the relationship they have with their parents and their freedom to explore. Kids who are controlled behave very differently from kids who are supported in their explorations. They are as different as zoo animals kept in cages are different from animals who grow up in their native habitats.

—Joyce Fetteroll

Understanding Unschooling
photo by Rippy Dusseldorp
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Guarantee

There are no guarantees, but we can always do a little better.

SandraDodd.com/guarantees
photo by Laurie Wolfrum

Hidden secret rooms and magic doors

When I move thru your site, I feel like a child in a candy store, or like I'm in a fantastic meandering castle with hidden secret rooms and magic doors to new realities.

I didn't keep the name of the person who wrote that, but I love the images.
SandraDodd.com/random
photo by Julie D

Less terrified, more attracted

someone wrote:

I've been reading your unschooling writings for around five years or so, being simultaneously terrified and attracted. Well, less terrified and more attracted as time goes by. Thank you.

(Quote saved without attribution, from a private note years ago.)
SandraDodd.com/feedback
photo by Sandra Dodd

Gradual Change

Leah Rose wrote:

The leaps I've tried to take always seem to leave me feeling shaky and uncertain that I'm on the right track. When I inch forward in baby steps the ground feels solid and I know I'm heading in the right direction. I know it's working when I'm at peace. That's the marker I look for.

—Leah Rose

Gradual Change
photo by Eileen Mahowald

No bad choices? But...

Without choices, they can't make choices. Without choices they can't make good choices OR bad choices.

SandraDodd.com/options
photo by Sandra Dodd

Sand and water

Play with sand and water. Find seeds. Sit in the shade, and in the sun. Set ice in the shade and in the sun. Write with ice on a sunny sidewalk.

SandraDodd.com/substance
photo by Janine

People change

Be generous with your patience. Life is long. People change, and more than once.

SandraDodd.com/betterpartner
photo by Sandra Dodd

Dress up and play

My three children grew up around adults who played, not just putting on feasts and tournaments and building medieval-looking camps, but also playing strategy board games and mystery games, having costume parties when it wasn't even Halloween, and making up goofy song parodies on long car rides.

Maybe because I kept playing I had an advantage, but I don't think it is beyond more serious adults to regain their playfulness.

SandraDodd.com/playing
photo by Julie D, and is unrelated to the text,
except around the costumes and joy, and the Holly Dodd
(and is also a link)
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Skipping a stone over history

My children don’t go to school. The boys are 12 and 10, and lately they have been obsessed with a game they borrowed, Warcraft II, which they play on a Macintosh right next to mine. This has been great for me, because just as with the “parallel play” of toddlers, we’re together, but have nothing to fight about. Well hardly anything. They want me off the phone sometimes so they can call their friends and brag about how many pixellated orcs they killed. And I would like to listen to Prince, or Donovan, and they whine “I can’t hear the game, mom…”

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The photo is Holly when she was three, possibly four. The writing is from when she was seven. The reason they needed me off the phone to call friends is that the internet was on dial-up. When we had two computers, only one could be online at a time.

Today we're in four different places, and of course I miss the days of three young children. A photo to match the days of the writing above is at this link:
SandraDodd.com/input
photo by Sandra Dodd
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Everything and more

If you want to measure, measure generously. If you want to give, give generously. If you want to unschool, or be a mindful parent, give, give, give. You'll find after a few years that you still have everything you thought you had given away, and more.

SandraDodd.com/howto/precisely
photo by Sandra Dodd
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Bringing money back

Written in 2005 or so:

Recently I paid Holly $5 to do a title for a webpage. She's thinking of doing some more of those. Other than that, there's been lots of me and Keith offering money and them saying "That's okay, I still have my allowance," or of them accepting it graciously. I'm thinking of things like "We're going ice skating," or "Can I go to the movie with Marty and them if he'll let me?"

"Do you need money?"

They usually say they don't. Sometimes I send a ten or twenty dollar bill with Holly to hold in reserve just in case they end up short, or wanting snacks, or going to eat later. As often as not, she brings it back.

SandraDodd.com/money
photo by Sandra Dodd, of Marty, in Minnesota once upon a time
The title Holly did for five dollars and some others by Holly

Step by step

Schuyler wrote:

I can almost pinpoint the minute when I turned from feeling a need to have my own needs met in a separate but equal kind of way to seeing how being with Simon and Linnaea was meeting my needs in the most involved and deep way....

For me, it was very clearly incremental, it was a step by step building from small changes to a point where I was in a position to find personal fulfilment in being with my children. It wasn't martyrdom, or it didn't feel as though I'd sacrificed myself for their joy. It did help to get the almost kinetic memory of being kind to them, of meeting them where they were instead of expecting them to meet me where I was.

—Schuyler Waynforth

Read more; it's good: SandraDodd.com/needs
photo by Sandra Dodd
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See the joy and learning

Look at your child directly, and not through the lens of other people's fears. See the joy and learning and doing and being. Be with your child in moments, not in hours or weeks or semesters.

Being Present in the Moment
photo by Sandra Dodd
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