Gently untangling "kind and gentle"

Part of something longer (linked below):

If your childhood abuse and neglect have left a lot of closed-off areas inside you, it would help to get therapy—even light help, to get you started on looking, a bit at a time, at what happened, and looking with a compassionate eye—compassion for the child you were, compassion for the adults who might have done better if they could have, if they knew more, if they had support for being kind and gentle. Then that would help you spread "kind and gentle" into the present, while you were gently untangling the snarls of your childhood memories.

The clearer your mind is of trauma and fear, the more easily your thoughts can flow, and connections can be made.

SandraDodd.com/awareness
photo by Sandra Dodd

What you can see

What someone can see outside in Hawaii won't be the same as in Morocco, or Japan, but luckily this blog gets photos from all over the world—inside houses and out.

I appreciate people's beautiful (or funny, or kid-capturing) photos, and their willingness to share them, for the inspiration of readers who hope to improve their family's peace and learning.

Exotic-themed posts
photo by Stacie Mahoe

Broadening horizons

From responses to a charge that unschooling couldn't broaden a child's horizons:

As to broadening horizons, sitting at a table with an assigned book is less likely to do that than a life filled with going, doing, seeing, touching, tasting, hearing and communicating honestly from inside while learning. Children DO have questions when they're in the process of learning things. It doesn't broaden horizons for a book to tell them which ten questions were the RIGHT ones to have at the end of each chapter.

—Sandra Dodd, 2004

Related ideas: SandraDodd.com/connections/
photo by Irene Adams, from her front yard

A learning world

Pam Sorooshian wrote:

Unschooling is not leaving kids to their own devices until they show an interest in learning a given subject.

Unschoolers do not expect interests to arise out of nothing.

As an unschooling parent I offer ideas, information, activities, starting points, and material to my children as opportune moments arise, not out of nothing, but out of the experiences that are created by mindful living in the world—walking in the woods, visiting museums, watching movies, reading books, going to the theater, swimming in the ocean. Every moment in life offers opportunities for learning and investigation.

. . . .
Unschooling families live in a learning world—no division of life into school time and not-school time.

—Pam Sorooshian

SandraDodd.com/pam/learningworld
photo by Karen James

What do trees, cats, and people need?

What does a tree need for its leaves and twigs to develop more?
What does a cat need for its brain to develop more?

They need a lack of abuse. They need water and food, sunshine. The cats can use things or people to play with, and people or other cats to groom them, pet them, lie down next to them sometimes. The tree might need to be less in the shade of other trees for optimal growth, or might need not to be where the wind is banging their branches against a cliff or building or fence or something.

If you think of people as the natural, biological beings they are, rather than as school kids who either are or are not in school, things become much clearer.

Synapses & Brain Development

Longer version here, with some Pam Sorooshian commentary

photo by Jo Isaac

Looking, where, and how

Karen James wrote:

When you look at your children, see *them*, not the ideas of peace, joy, success or failure. Notice what your children are engaged in. Join them when you can. If one of your children is cutting paper, quietly join in, even if only for a moment. When another child is playing Lego on the floor, get down there and put a few pieces together with her. One girl is drawing, do some doodles. One girl is playing Minecraft, notice what she's building. Ask her about it (if your question doesn't interrupt her). As you join your children you will begin to get a sense for what they enjoy. Build on what you learn about them.

There will be some conflict, and there will be times when you don't get it right. See those moments, learn from them, and then look toward where you hope to go. Whenever I'm driving on unfamiliar roads, I tend to look at the road right in front of the car. The twists and turns come up so quick, and I find that my grip on the wheel tightens and my heart races. I panic until I remember to look at the horizon. It's so remarkable how much more easy driving becomes when I take in a wider view of where I want to go. Take in a wide view of where you want to go, making little adjustments as necessary. It'll feel less frantic and less like you're at the mercy of every little bump or turn that suddenly appears. The ease and confidence that will gradually come will make for a smoother ride, for you and for those lovely little passengers you've been gifted to travel this journey with. 🙂

—Karen James
on "Always Learning"

SandraDodd.com/look
photo by Cally Brown

An element of peace

Peace is not an element "that can neither be created nor destroyed." Peace is entirely a condition and a mood. It's very, very fragile. It has to be created and maintained and protected.

from "A Loud Peaceful Home"
SandraDodd.com/peace/noisy
photo by Jihong Tang

A frame and a portal

Any subjects leads to every other subject, and every other connection of any sort. Rather than sorting things out with your children, try to keep blending and mixing.

Religion leads to history, to geography, to clothing, to fashion, to business and imports to transportation to law. Law leads to ethics to medicine to religion. Any of those "leads to" points could lead to a dozen OTHER destinations, so even with a list that short, it starts to blanket time and space. Don't resist those weird tangents; jump on them and ride.

SandraDodd.com/subjects
photo by Sandra Dodd
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Generous, selfless decisions

Live your life in such a way that other people will trust you. When you make decisions, make generous, selfless decisions so that others benefit. When you say something, do your best to say what is fair and right and true. When you write, write things you don't mind people taking out and sharing.

SandraDodd.com/integrity
photo by Colleen Prieto
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Is unschooling productive?

In a life where the goals are partnership, good relationships between parents and children, and an atmosphere of constant curiosity, exploration and learning, just about everything is "productive." If things are going well, then life is "producing" partnership, relationship-building, exploration and learning.

Playing, and happiness

The quote is from a discussion on my facebook page, about the idea of "productivity." "Productivity" questions

photo by Roya Dedeaux

Fairness, in arguments

Sandra Dodd, from 2012 [so add some years to the number]:

Twenty-five years ago, my husband said it wasn't fair that we were culturally limited to words, and I could always win with words. If physical ability "counted" he would win, so he was set up to lose. After that I tried not to "beat him up" with words, because he was right—it wasn't fair. When friends of ours got married, and the husband was strong, fast AND very much more verbal, I told him that story, and he appreciated it. He reported back a couple of times early in their marriage that he was about to totally, easily win an argument, and remembered that it wasn't fair, and backed down.

AlwaysLearning; Alex P. quoted me, and commented
photo by Cally Brown

Still on your path

Lots of the photos I have these days are of paths. I love them. They're taken by people who were there, about to walk that very path, seeing things to the sides, hearing birds, or the wind, or other people. But we only see one view of one path.

The symbolism and the idea of a person being on his own path can be confusing and restricting, if others are trying to manage who walks where, and how. Path, trail, course, curriculum—they all can be about a pre-determined, inflexible way to go.

We only see our own paths by looking backwards. Find joy, today, in options and twisty turns. You're still on your path.

Hard paths and soft ones
photo by Amy Milstein

Being safe, being trusted

Joyce Fetteroll wrote:

If your default answer is no—by the *kids'* standards even if *you* feel you say yes a lot—then they're likely to 1) see the world in terms of impossibilities rather than possibilities or 2) ask someone else who may be less trustworthy.

—Joyce Fetteroll

Be their trusted partner.


SandraDodd.com/chores/appreciation
photo by Rosie Moon

Focus on what you're doing

Jenny Cyphers wrote:

I compared homeschooling to school a lot for a long time. It seemed so big and relevant. Then, when Chamille was about 9 or 10, I stopped reading the local homeschool boards and focused more time on reading only about unschooling. That's when my focus changed greatly, from what we weren't doing, to what we were doing.

—Jenny Cyphers

moving to more positivity
photo by Sandra Dodd

Relax inside yourself

Someone wrote once:

"I really have to be vigilant on myself and try not to control."

I was amused, but responded, in part:

Being "vigilant" sounds like absolutely exhausting effort. Relax. You do not "have to be vigilant." Especially not on yourself. That's you watching yourself. Way too much work. Let go of one of those selves. Relax inside the other one. Have a snooze. Don't be vigilant.

When you wake up, think. Am I glad to be here? Is this a good moment? If so, breathe and smile and touch your child gently. Be soft. Be grateful. Find abundance. Gently.

SandraDodd.com/battle/
photo by Denaire Nixon

Step toward learning

Confidence in unschooling can't come from other people's accounts. It can only come from seeing one's own children relaxing into learning effortlessly through play, conversations, observations, a rich life.

"Facing fears" sounds scary, intimidating and negative. Stepping toward learning is much more positive. Being with children is easy; they're already right there. Move toward them, instead of milling around with fears and vulnerability.

SandraDodd.com/confidence
photo by Denaire Nixon
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Turn away, to have peace

When school is no longer a part of the child's life, it's good to turn away from the school and let it fade into the distant past. Repeating and reciting and retelling the school problem keeps it alive and present.

SandraDodd.com/school/
photo by Sandra Dodd

Children being themselves

Life will be better for all involved if you don't label your children's intelligence, or processing speed, or likelihood to reverse numbers, or ability to pay attention to something deadly boring. Don't drug your children into being still enough to sit on an assembly line. It has nothing on earth to do with natural learning or unschooling. Neither does "giftedness."

SandraDodd.com/giftedness

The quote is from The Big Book of Unschooling
photo by Gail Higgins

Open to change

It's kind of schoolish, the idea that the more one reads the more one knows. Unschooling is one of those things that isn't accomplished by recitation or test-taking, but only by changing thoughts and actions, beliefs and relationships. It's not easy, it's not quick, and it's not for everyone.

SandraDodd.com/readalittle
photo by Amy Milstein

Full and whole

I have comforted my "inner child" by comforting my own children. I have felt like a stronger, better person by being a stronger, better mom. Then it's not imagination, it's reality.

Helping them grow up whole helped me feel more full and whole myself.

Changing the present, healing the past, hope for the future
(from a comment I made there)
photo by Sandra Dodd