Fun, healthy and useful

Learning and changing is fun. It's healthy. It's useful.

SandraDodd.com/authentic
photo by Alex Polikowsky

The glorious world of unschooling

Schuyler Waynforth wrote:

Deschooling doesn't work until you let go of structure. Early days unschooling is about learning how to see learning in all things and if you are still looking to the structure of curricula it will be very, very difficult to grasp the fundamentals of unschooling. Having go-to ideas of things to do or engagements to offer is a good thing, but having those things be about education or a passing on of pieces of specific knowledge it won't help you to see the glorious world of unschooling. Those things are best if they are just kind of a fun thing to do in a moment of nothing much going on. Learning will happen.

—Schuyler Waynforth

SandraDodd.com/fabric
photo by Cally Brown

Clarity and understanding

Deb Lewis wrote:

Sometimes people who come to unschooling think they have it. They think they get it. When their child shows an interest in insects, they run right out and buy that unit study. They let their kid play all day except for those two hours he has to sit down with the math text book. That is not unschooling, and if a person wants to understand I don't think it's helpful to let them go on thinking it is.

I wouldn't know how to define unschooling so clearly and precisely that everyone would have real understanding. But it only seems reasonable to try to make it clearer for those who are trying to understand.

—Deb Lewis

SandraDodd.com/gettingit
photo by Jennifer Fletcher

From Dictator to Partner

Kelly Lovejoy wrote, in "Wet Paint":

I could have easily have remained a dictator had I not found unschooling and mindful parenting. I like when folks do what I say! Cameron has always been very compliant, so being a benevolent dictator was easy. Duncan, on the other hand, questions everything! I needed to change how I approached parenting with him—and that’s helped in my dealings with Cameron too. Stepping back and realizing that obeying orders was not in my children’s best interest was huge to me.

It’s helped me to change my language a bit. Rather than say, "Don’t touch the bench: the paint is wet," I'll now say, ”That paint may be wet. You might want to be careful if you touch it.” That gives them information to think through instead of an order to follow or disregard. They might ask how I know it’s wet. Or did I see a painter leave? Is there a sign? How can we tell when it’s dry? What does 'tacky' mean?

And they might go ahead and touch it. But that gives them the information they need. And that’s OK. One more brick in your tower.

—Kelly Lovejoy

SandraDodd.com/kellylovejoy/wetpaint
photo by Sandra Dodd

Bright and shiny things

Schuyler Waynforth wrote:

Often if I'm stuck not being able to see the positive in something, I need to quit looking at it. I need to look at other things. I need to find something to move forward to instead of whirling and twirling around the angsty thing. Make the angry thing small and insignificant, turn away from it, look for bright and shiny things to distract you, look at tiny things that give you pleasure, look at large things that you didn't appreciate fully the first time around. Turning toward joy will definitely make it harder to feel stymied in the negative.

—Schuyler Waynforth

SandraDodd.com/distraction
photo by Vlad Gurdiga

Distraction can be a blessing

If someone is flipping out, distraction can be a blessing. If the problem is insurmountable, they will get right back to it. If the problem was that the problem itself was creating feedback and a small thing had turned into a roar, distraction can break the tension and let them breathe and relax, or even better—to laugh and to slump until some adrenaline can pass.

The reason I'm telling this sudden story is that in another topic Meredith wrote:

I've been listening to a podcast called The Hilarious World of Depression which is all interviews with comics who have various kinds of depression. In one episode (I don't recall which) they talk about distraction, and how it's actually a helpful strategy for a lot of people with anxiety, depression, and the like. That was nice to hear. There's a lot of pressure on people to journal and talk and ruminate and Not try to be distracted, but it turns out for some people distraction is a good thing.

SandraDodd.com/distraction
photo by Jo Isaac

Upward

It can be a happy spiral upward, when feeling better about being a good mom makes one a better parent, and the child smiles and laughs, and the mom relaxes more.

SandraDodd.com/peace/mama
photo by Sandra Dodd, of a spiral Rex Begonia

Never easier!

Teresa Y. wrote:

People have a lot of resources these days, and they are mostly very accessible; of course it makes sense that some of them would seek to use what's available to them when they want it, not just what the schools offer between 8 and 3. It possibly has never been easier to learn about as many different things from so many different sources as it is right now.

—Teresa Y.
(original)

SandraDodd.com/unschooling
photo by Sandra Dodd

Things to do

Call around to the museums in your area and find out what programs they offer. Get on their mailing lists and go to the events.

Call the universities and do the same.

Find an astronomy club and go to star parties.

Deb Lewis provided those ideas and many more:
SandraDodd.com/strew/deblist
photo by Amy Milstein

Real people

Even the nicest of words can be ruined if they're spoken in a condescending, treacly way. It's not bad for infants, and it's great for French poodles. It's that talking-to-a-French-poodle voice, and the thoughts that go with it, that should be avoided when parents are talking to their children.

Dan Vilter shared this story on the AlwaysLearning list in 2001:

At a park day, we were having a discussion about the usefulness of praise and sincerity. The unschoolers in the group were trying to point out the fallacy of over and insincere praise, and indirectly about treating your children as people first. After much talk getting nowhere, one of the other unschooling parents turned to me and in the French poodle voice started thanking me for all the things I had done for the group that day. Something like,"Oh Dan, thank you for bringing the stove for hot cocoa. You did such a good job setting it up and heating the water! You're so strong carrying that big jug of water all by yourself!" Everyone had a good laugh and the point was succinctly made.

—Dan Vilter

"Treating them as people first." That's it. See them as people, who hear you and are thinking, and treat that respectfully. In her book Whole Child/Whole Parent, Polly Berrien Berends, uses the term "Seeing Beings."

SandraDodd.com/tone
photo by Denaire Nixon

Stories, music, light and movement

a mom named Lisa wrote:

There is plenty of value in TV/movies. It's as much of a dream world for kids as books (if not more). I know it can be frustrating when it's all new to you... I can't tell you how many times I wondered if I wasn't doing something horrible by letting my children watch as much TV as they wanted. I was sure it would backfire and that it would make my kids passive.

They're still lovely and beautiful and full of life....driven from the inside instead of following my lead so much.

Relax and enjoy the wonder of your child. 🙂

—Lisa

That's the end of something sweet, and longer, at SandraDodd.com/t/whatif

photos by Rosie Moon (stained glass)
and Kelly Halldorson (wood stove)

I brought these pictures to a TV post for being older versions of moving-light images. They are associated with stories, and with music, too. Television and film are related, culturally and historically.

Optimistic reality

Sometimes people say, "Anyone can unschool." And I always cringe when they do that, because the same kind of people who write or say things like that in public tend not to be the people who are going to stick around and walk people through it, and help other people do it. It just sounds good, it’s cheery, it’s inclusive, and it's wrong.

SandraDodd.com/whocanunschool
Who Can Unschool?
(short sound file, and transcript)

photo by DenaireNixon

Competitive efficiency

One problem that comes up is efficiency. The idea of the glory of efficiency can be a problem. Because people get competitive, we’re all keeping track of how quickly we got into university and how soon we got out. Or how many minutes we take to get dinner on the table. “Oh, well, I can do that meal in 30 minutes!” “Well, I can do that meal in 20 minutes!”

Unschooling isn’t like that at all, even in the long term it’s not about the completion of a project at all. It’s about becoming the sort of people who see and appreciate and trust that learning can happen. And who can travel with children, not just drag them along or push them along, but who can travel with children along those interesting paths together not until you get there, but indefinitely.

And for beginning unschoolers that sounds also a little esoteric, a little foofy. And not solid. They want to know what do I do when the kids wake up in the morning? So, the beginning information is very often, “What do I do?” But the information that will get people from the beginning to the intermediate is why. Why do we do this?

SandraDodd.com/parentschange
photo by Colleen Prieto

Learning how

Sara P. wrote:

This is still an ongoing process for me. I had to re-train myself in a lot of ways. I had to learn a new language. I had to learn to SEE again. I had to learn how to communicate. I had to learn patience. I had to learn how to put others first. .....WOW! Sometimes an old thought will creep in. Sometimes I find myself answering a question in *teacher tone*...but it is so few and far between, and I am so quick to catch it that nobody ever notices except me! LOL!

—Sara P.

SandraDodd.com/change/stories
photo by Denaire Nixon

Thoughtful and mindful

I don't like the term "authentic," of human behavior. It suggests that all those doing anything differently are false, inauthentic, wrong.

If it means being thoughtful and mindful, those are much better terms and concepts to use. If it means living by principles and making careful decisions rather than stumbling along following vague rules, then let's talk about living by principles. But "authenticity" is a false clarity. It's not as real as it sounds.

SandraDodd.com/issues/authenticity
photo by Karen James

Balancing on changes

Things change. Even in the best of peaceful circumstances, things change. Keep your balance, find gratitude and abundance, and accept changes gracefully when you can.

Impermanence
photo by Colleen Prieto

Gratitude, abundance, positivity

Many of the things we routinely recommend to help unschooling families are also helpful to anyone's mental health and wellbeing. Gratitude, recognizing and appreciating abundance, avoiding negativity…

SandraDodd.com/gratitude

SandraDodd.com/abundance

SandraDodd.com/negativity

SandraDodd.com/joy

No matter where a person is, a step up is a step up. Happier is happier.

Mental Health (Marta's Collection)
SandraDodd.com/mentalhealth2
photo by Gail Higgins

False positives

Cynicism feels like intelligence.
Pessimism can feel like energy conservation. Eeyore never jumps up and runs. Eeyore never bothers to plan ahead.

When people are very cynical, they seem to think that if all the things they think are stupid are eliminated, what's left will be non-stupid. Smartness. Cleverness. Art. Good music. But once so many things are eliminated, what's left is a cynical person who has rejected half the world, and has the memories of all the details of that negativity.

SandraDodd.com/cynicism
photo by Brie Jontry

Talking and thinking and being

More people talk about peace than think about it. Many people are full of peaceful platitudes, and fury that others aren't "peaceful" to their specifications or fantasies.

SandraDodd.com/peace
photo by Sandra Dodd

Changing sensibilities

Common sense among unschoolers is (and should be, needs to be) more particular and rarified than everyday "common sense."

Does it seem like common sense, after a few years of unschooling, that it's good to let people sleep if they don't need to be anywhere? And that the nicer you are to them, the nicer they're likely to be to you and to others? It seems like common sense to me that learning is learning regardless of the source, and that what's engaging and fun has value.

SandraDodd.com/change (though these words aren't there)
photo by Sandra Dodd