Avoiding rebellion

For those who started a decade or so before the teen years, who conscientiously treated their children with respect and consideration, who gave them choices of all sizes and helped them figure out how to get along well and happily in the world, rebellion does not come.

SandraDodd.com/respect/
photo by Sandra Dodd, of volunteer golden columbine flowers we nurtured and appreciated, but did not create or "manage"

"We’ll see how things go."

Laurie Wolfrum, the beginning of a presentation, and the end of the handout for it:

Sometimes parents, relatives, friends (even strangers!) may not agree with homeschooling, unschooling, how we choose to parent or meet our children’s needs.

How do we do what we feel is best for our families when others, especially those we love and care about, share their criticisms and well-meaning advice?
. . . .
Some phrases to keep in mind:

Periodically we evaluate how things are going.
Nothing is written in stone.
For now, this works for us.
We’ll see how things go.

—Laurie Wolfrum

"Pass the Bean Dip"
SandraDodd.com/beandip
photo by Cathy Koetsier

Ask yourself "why?"

Robyn Coburn wrote:

Every time you feel the urge to control a choice, you can ask yourself "why?" and begin to question the assumptions (or fears) about children, parenting, learning and living joyfully that you are holding on to.

—Robyn Coburn

SandraDodd.com/option
photo by Sandra Dodd

Small steps

Good bits lifted from a 2015 post:

Too often “do the best you can” is used to excuse letting things slide.
Think more about the children than about how you feel about thinking about them. It will help you when they feel better.

...read a little, try a little, wait a while and watch...

Don’t think you can change all at once, but if you see how much difference small steps can make, perhaps you can focus on not making anything worse, and stepping gently but steadily toward a more confident presence.

—Sandra
(original)

Small, simple steps
photo by Janine Davies

Webs, nets, connections

The terms "web" and "net" have both been commandeered by the internet. The idea of a grid or web or matrix to represent the connections involved in learning and memory is a good one, though—of many "dots" connected in all directions.

The photo here is of the two-dimensional web—very flat—of a garden spider, outside my house this week. Black widow spiders make a web that's three-dimensional, but has no pattern. We have those in our yard, too.

The webs on which our own mental models of the universe are based are more complex—with past and future, emotion and theory, alternative stories and secondary theories. We have sounds and songs, scents and tastes to remember, and can sort things by temperature or texture, in our minds and imaginations.

Rejoice in the random!

SandraDodd.com/random
photo by Sandra Dodd

Helping teens

Written when Holly Dodd was 18 (2009), of when she was in her mid-teens:

Holly has had a few jobs. One was working at a skateboard and clothing store in a mall a few miles away. One was working at a flower shop just a few hundred yards away; she walked. But the shop had another shop on the air base, and sometimes she worked there, so she had a base pass and a key to both shops. When Holly's jobs require driving, we let her use a car. Some of her school-attending friends are told they can't get a job unless they buy a car first. It seems to be a way for the parents to say no and then blame the kids for it.

Some mainstream families press their teenaged children to get jobs, and shame them if they fail, while putting conditions on when and where they can work. The result is that getting a job was just one more "do what the parents make you do" situation, and the jobs aren't fun; they're an extension of school and of parental control.

When teens or young adults have chosen to have a job without desperation for money, and when they are accustomed to learning all the time and living joyfully, they are a different sort of employee.

SandraDodd.com/jobs/bigbook
photo by Cathy Koetsier

Seasons

Calm yourself with the awareness of what's important.

Being Home
photo by Cathy Koetsier

New chances, all day

Su Penn wrote:

A couple of months ago, my four-year-old and I had been wrangling all day—we just couldn't get into each other's groove. He was fussy, I was impatient, he was whiny, I was cranky. We were struggling and struggling. Finally, it was time to cook dinner, which he always likes to help with. I got out whatever ingredients I needed, and he pulled his stool over to the kitchen counter, and we started measuring and stirring and slicing. I was standing half behind him, and he suddenly leaned his head back against my chest and said, "We're having a good day, aren't we? I like cooking with you. We're having fun. We always have fun." It transformed the whole day for me to hear that he was experiencing it so differently—or that that moment of cooking together had redeemed the whole rotten thing.

You've talked before, Sandra, about this idea of thinking about moments instead of days and it has maybe not changed my life but it has changed a lot of my days. I used to decide by, say, 11 a.m. that we were having a "rough day." Anybody ever heard of a self-fulfilling prophecy? Now, no matter how rough the moment gets, I remind myself that the next moment is a whole new chance at something good. And it's amazing how often magic comes two minutes after I was thinking I was going to have to chuck the whole thing and go back to bed.

—Su Penn

SandraDodd.com/badmoment
photo by Shawn Smythe Haunschild

Questions to consider

If you've adopted a set of principles and priorities, it will make decisionmaking easier. And I don't mean to choose your five and write them down. I mean to consider what's important in a situation when you're making a decision. And those things can vary.

If it's 11:00 at night and a child wants to do something that's outside the house or noisy, the idea of quiet time and consideration for others who are sleeping should take precedence, for sure.

All other things being equal, for me I decided in favor of something new and different, over something same-old, when there was a draw about which thing to do or which way to go. I decided to take the "more learning" path...

It depends.

It's hard to explain unschooling, partly because the best answers are "it depends," followed by questions for the parents to consider while they're making their decisions.

It depends on time available, time of day, safety, resources, the effect on other people, need for food or rest, and other factors...

SandraDodd.com/depends
photo by Sarah S.

Triangles and rows

I had a Shakespeare professor who said "Three trees make a row," to confirm a pattern when a student noticed that something had appeared three times. I remember thinking, but not saying, "Not if they're making a triangle." But it wasn't a math class, and I understood his point.

There's something strong and fun about three. Two parents and a baby. A tripod for a camera or a telescope. A three-legged stool (a tripod to sit on). Three versions of a song. A book or movie trilogy. Counting by threes with its elegant stops at 33, 66, and 99.

European folklore has many sets of three, in bears, goats, wishes...

Here are other posts with photos of three things. It's a fun collection. Three (image label)
Three
photo by Lydia Koltai
___

A happy, good example

Deb Lewis, to a mom advocating limits and control:

If you have been fighting over chores it may be a long time before she feels like helping you. But for the rest of the time you have with her, you can be a good example of a person who happily takes care of her home and who respects and values her child above housework. That will have benefits for your child well beyond required chores.

—Deb Lewis

SandraDodd.com/deblewis/
photo by Sandra Dodd

Happy to see the day

When people insist that "all unschooling is" is just homeschooling without a curriculum or without lessons, I don't disagree. They should take it out and put it on billboards. Lobby to get it into the dictionary. Whatever. But when families come to ask how they can make unschooling work, it does no good to say "Just don't have a curriculum. See ya!" It takes layers of understanding, it takes recovery from school, and a desire to have a relationship with a child in which learning is flowing and easy. It takes working to create an atmosphere in which children and parents wake up happy to see the day.

—Sandra Dodd, in 2004
fourth post on this legacy page

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SORRY the link above didn't work in e-mail; I've restored it, I hope!

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SandraDodd.com/nest
photo by Vlad Gurdiga

Why be good?

Early in online discussions of unschooling, pre-AOL even, Christian homeschoolers and unschoolers were in the same groups—all homeschoolers jumbled together. Once someone did ask me, in public (not in a mean way but in a curious way) HOW, without religion, would my kids be good?

It was a great question. They were good because it made them better people. Not to go to Heaven or to avoid hell. Not to make Jesus happy. . . . .
With good, logical reasons to be honest and helpful and responsible, religion on top of that would not have hurt my kids. I was aware that they might for one reason or another someday become religious on their own, but I also knew that leaving that church (or whatever it might be) wouldn't be the end of virtue for them.

SandraDodd.com/atheism
photo by Sandra Dodd

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Of course there are Christian unschoolers, too
Resources for Christian Unschoolers and unschoolers of many other religions, beliefs and leanings. The dichotomy above came from the Christian Homeschooling mom asking me a practical philosophical question.

Flower bed

Joyce wrote:

People who look at what they have and how they can work with it find the way quicker (and are happier) than those who look at what they don't have.

—Joyce Fetteroll

SandraDodd.com/nest.html#principles
photo by Amy Milstein

Fresh breeze of new thoughts

De wrote:

OH! Brainstorming ideas, treating your children like you would your spouse or friends, *OH!!*

I knew that. Now I *know* that. Or maybe I understand it with more depth. It still amazes me how a few words on a page—sometimes entirely (seemingly) unrelated—can trigger a massive door that I didn't know was there to open in my brain. It lets in the light and the fresh breeze of new thoughts.

—De

SandraDodd.com/gettingit
photo by Sandra Dodd

Say yes when you can

My kids are great at delayed gratification, all of them. They have saved money, earned money, bought small things, and large things, waited for friends to visit, waited for holidays and parties, and because they're busy and secure people, they could always find something to do. But they were also generally sure that as soon as it WAS possible, they would do it, or have it. That's because they had lived their lives with parents who were their partners and who helped them, rather than thwarted or frustrated them.

Some kids get to 18 and they're sick and tired of waiting, and they don't want to wait anymore for ANYthing. Some turn to drugs, drinking, partying, charge cards, driving too fast... When parents have a choice of saying yes or no, and they choose 'no' because they think it's good for their child, they are putting that pressure and tension in the bank to gain interest.

Say yes when you can, especially if it's about something that will help your child learn. If you can't decide, think "Will he be happy and learn? Will this help with unschooling?"

2013, Sandra
of kids who were in their early- to mid-20s then

SandraDodd.com/no
photo by Holly Dodd
of herself wearing a top from the 1970s that I handed down to her, with an orchid plant rescued from a trash can

Positive, inspired, happy

Ripandeep Saran wrote:

When I was 14 years old, I asked the leader of the Sikh ashram I was visiting what to do when I am feeling blue and he told me the scriptures advise meditation, service and giving gratitude. He told me that it is also the same advice for when you are happy.

This all helps me keep my cup full. That is what works best for me - keeping my cup full of positive, inspired, happy energy as much as possible. Life has its ups and downs, but I like to focus more on the ups and put myself in the best possible position to help myself out when I am down. I am more sensitive than most people, and I feel very deeply. If I had not learned early in life how to deal with my lows, life might not have been as wonderful as it has been.

—Ripandeep Saran
(a.k.a. Rippy Dusseldorp)

The quote is from SandraDodd.com/mentalhealth2

but I also saved it at SandraDodd.com/cup
photo by Marta Venturini

Blossoms

"The goal of unschooling is not education. It is to help a child be who she is and blossom into who she will become. Learning happens as a side effect."

—Joyce Fetteroll

SandraDodd.com/proof
photo by Gail Higgins

Social obligations

Probably in every culture there are ceremonial and social meals. There are times when eating food with other people creates or strengthens bonds, or when sharing bread or a drink has spiritual significance. One taste of a wedding cake is better than turning down wedding cake altogether, because it's the ceremonial blessing of a marriage. If people are toasting with alcohol and you don't or can't drink alcohol (ever, or at that time), at least join the toast with water. To refrain from joining a toast is worse than an insult; it's like a public curse. One who pointedly fails to toast is standing up against the crowd and saying "I hope your project fails horribly" (or whatever it might be). So let your children know those things.

In the absence of a social obligation to eat at least a token amount, let your children choose not to eat if they don't want to. If the purpose of food is the sustenance of the body and the mind, then let that principle override schedules and expectations and traditions, most of the time. Your children will be more willing to eat to be polite if you only press it on rare occasions.


From "Social Obligations and Oddities," page 168 (or 190)
of The Big Book of Unschooling
which recommends SandraDodd.com/eating/humor
photo by Cátia Maciel

Up with your thoughts

Laying down our thoughts in deference to an expert's, even if they don't seem right to us?

Some people do. No people should.

SandraDodd.com/betteranswers
photo by Sarah S.


P.S. We were talking about parenting, and unschooling. It was not about longstanding enmity between nations, or about following laws. I have seen people grab up my words and use them out of context to do damage to themselves or others. How 'bout DON'T do that, okay?

Context: Better Answers to Everyday Questions