It's this:

Being a good parent is not martyrdom. It's this: Being (in essence, in life, in thought, in action) a good (not bad, not average, but quality/careful/positive) parent.

I don't know where I first wrote it, but Karen James saved and shared it in 2012.
Becoming the Parent You Want to Be is a fair match.
photo by Belinda Dutch

Wrapped in comfort

"Being the parent to my kids that I needed when I was younger has wrapped my own self in a comfort I never got to have before."

—Jen Keefe (here)

SandraDodd.com/healing
photo by Kinsey Norris
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If/then do more

Anytime an unschooling mother thinks she's not doing enough, the simple solution is for her to do more.

Here are some ideas: http://sandradodd.com/checklists
photo by Kinsey Norris

Nothing you "have to" hate

Try not to hate anything more than you "have to," and once you get to thinking more positively, you might find there's is nothing you have to hate.

SandraDodd.com/negativity
SandraDodd.com/haveto
photo by Lydia Koltai

Warmer and more comfortable

Make conscious choices, in little ways, in ways that make your family warmer and more comfortable. Not a few big decisions, but a hundred of little decisions in the next 20 hours. Tone of voice. Smile/no-smile. Patience/rush. Gentle/jerky.

about stepping up and getting calmer
photo by Jo Fielding

Night lights

Small kindnesses are the best kind.



photo by Heather Booth

Let it be

Let it be what it is.



photo by Janine Davies

Even little lights shine

photo by Sandra Dodd

Warm, glowing traditions

A pretty thing, about New Mexico...



photo by Sandra Dodd

Be cool! Be brave.

photo by Karen James

Minor and temporary problems

SandraDodd.com has been moved to a new server, and minor problems are being dealt with. Unrelated to that, the site where many of my older photos are stored is having problems, and that affects my website and hundreds of older posts in this blog. Things will be back to normal, but it's not happening today!

Please don't forget me if things are glitchy and incomplete for a litle while. I will share some happy wintery photos for a few days, and I hope those of you with holidays to celebrate this week have many smiles and joys.



photo by Sandra Dodd, of an "adobe" gingerbread house
created by a happy committee of kids, teens and parents
at Kim Archuleta's house in 2007.

Sharing life

I expected unschooling to cause me to be closer to my kids, when they were young, than I might otherwise have been. As time went by, though, I found that I was being kinder to my husband and nicer to my pets.

Others have reported this effect, and their surprise. As unschooling principles became a deeper part of their lives, they discovered a gentler homelife, and an expectation of kindness.

Unforeseen Benefits of Unschooling
photo by Meredith Dew

Is learning fun?

In a discussion about formerly-schooled kids who assert that learning is not fun:

"Playing games is fun. Watching tv is fun. Reading can be fun (if it's
something you like and you're doing it for...well...fun.) Playing with (and maybe
even taking care of) the dog is fun, pretending to be a pirate, making things,
using the computer, maybe cooking... Fun.

"You get the idea. And most people who are here, even the beginners, will
recognize that for any and all of these things that kids choose to do for fun
during the day can be a source of remarkable learning."

—Kathryn Baptista
2006

CONNECTIONS: How Learning Works
photo by Lourdes Garcia

A place to rest and dream

I believe there is a sacredness in sacrifice.

People are embarrassed by the idea of "the sacred" in everyday life. They reject it, often, unless it's part of a specific, brief ceremony (grace before a meal; Friday night candles and formal meal; bowing to a family altar). The idea that making a bed for someone could be about love and preparation of a special place to rest and dream seems too mushy, I think.

From this page which was following on some discussion of sacrifice.
Two words were added to the top line, above,
but the topic was understood in context.
photo by Whitney DiFalco

Limited and limiting

It is very common for people to see school as the center of life, the universe and everything. That's the way the world looks when one sees it mostly in textbook photos, or through whatever classroom windows haven't been papered over or painted out, and from the windows of a schoolbus on the way home to finish homework before going to sleep early because it's a schoolnight. That world is limited and limiting.

the whole wide world and what schooling isn't
photo by Pushpa Ramachandran

Accept contagion

Negativity is contagious. Joy can be contagious, unless one is wielding the sword of negativity, protected by the shield of cynicism. Don't defend your negativity. Allow yourself to be infected with other people's joy.

"Happiness Inside and Out"
photo by Sandra Dodd, of flowers growing on drainpipes and ledges
in Staines, in Surrey, in 2012

Real decisions

I think it's as important to turn away from "self control" and "self regulation" as it is to turn away from schoolishness itself.

When people have the opportunity and encouragement to make real decisions for real reasons, and they know why the're doing what they're doing, and they're not doing things that don't seem to have a purpose, then "control" and "regulation" don't factor in at all.

I know it sounds crazy, and I also know a LOT of families who thought it sounded crazy and now have that same feeling about serious discussions of "self control" or "impulse control."

Choices, choices!!!!
photo by KathrynRobles
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Resource Treasures

Written at "Always Learning," by Megan Valnes in August 2018:

"Mostly our unschooling journey is unfolding beautifully using the guiding principles I learned from this group. Just Add Light and Joyce’s unschooling cards are my daily resource treasures." —Megan Valnes *

the Always Learning discussion has moved to groups.io
photo by Joyce Fetteroll

Interesting choices

Joyce Fetteroll, on choices:

When kids are given the choice between doing things they like and things they don't like, they choose things they like. When kids are give the choice between things they are allowed to do and things they aren't allowed to do, "aren't allowed" looks intriguing. Have you ever seen a sign on a boring door that says "No Admittance" and felt the urge to open it? If there were no sign you'd not give the door a second glance. But that "No Admittance" sign makes it intriguing, like there's something special back there that you can't have. —Joyce Fetteroll, 2004

Choose a point...
photo by Lydia Koltai

Looking, and finding

"I seek happiness each and every day. The best place I find it is in my children." —Nina Haley

Waking up happy
photo by Meg Oh

When is it art?

Whitney DiFalco arranged those buttons within a circle, and photographed the result. Each button was created as utiltarian art, by other people, other places, other times. The photo is here for you to see. The buttons are probably back in whatever tin or box they were in before.

After some recent snow and rain, water ran off the roof into a plastic half barrel. The top froze, about two inches thick. Leaves had fallen on one side, and the ice locked them in.


My husband, Keith, took it out and set it upright so the light could shine through. His artistic decision was what would be "the base," so the mostly-embedded leaves hung down nicely. He didn't tell me about it; I happened to notice, and took a photo from my car.

The ice is gone, the leaves are on the ground with many others, and someday the photo will be lost.

"Art" isn't just in the arrangements or the photos. I think art arises with someone's appreciation of the shapes, colors, textures, and light.


The Spirituality page has a title made of a photo of temporary patterns.
Someday that page will be gone.
photos by Whitney DiFalco and Sandra Dodd
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Gates

Sometimes a gate is calling me to walk through it. Sometimes a gate hasn't been opened for years, but it's a pretty part of the fence.

I like the phrase "six of one; half a dozen of the other." It can mean "I don't care," or "it makes no difference to me," but in its most peaceful, positive light it might mean "I will be happy whether I go through that gate, or whether I never do."

Overcoming Fear
photo by Belinda Dutch

Learning without lessons

I wrote this in 1997; I added the ages in 2019

My kids have learned to read on their own. Kirby (11) is fluent and uses reading for all kinds of things. Marty (8) is irritatingly phonetic, but will become fluid with more practice.

First of all, Pam Sorooshian and such folk would probably be able to point out or draw out dozens of things I did with/to/for my kids that helped them learn to read, but I didn't "teach" them to read, any more than I taught them to play Nintendo (although I did buy them a Nintendo, let them rent games, and bought some game guides and magazines). I didn't teach them to do tricks on the swing set, but we did put the swing set up and maintain it and keep it clean and available. I didn't teach them to ride bikes, but I did make sure they had bikes and opportunities to ride places other than just right in front of the house. I didn't teach them to sing, but I did sing to and with them a lot, take them places to hear others sing, play videos and recordings of different kinds of singing, etc.

They read.
They know that something as hard as reading can be learned without formal lessons.

That's a heck of a thing for kids their age to know.
There are adults who don't know it.

Life in progress
photo (fuzzy, but Marty) by Sandra Dodd

Intangible gifts

For many families, this can be a time of stress and love and joy and exhaustion and fear of failure, concerning procurement and presentation of food or presents. Remember intangible gifts. Remember to be kind and quiet and sweet, around and through the sound and swirl. Be grateful and express your gratitude to others, for help, for health, for being, for smiles, and for love. Touch and speak gently.

Gifts
photo by Meghan Pawlowski

Consciously, thoughtfully

Every choice you make should be made consciously, thoughtfully, for real and good reasons.

SandraDodd.com/decisions
photo by Chrissy Florence

A house full of "ok"

Our house is really very peaceful. A house full of "no" can't begin to be this peaceful.

Written in 2006 when my kids were teens and all still home,
and shared again on Always Learning in December 2019
photo by Belinda Dutch, of her warm family

Non-emergency services

People who will read about unschooling very regularly, and think about it every day, and DO IT, increasingly better, all the time, are not likely to have sudden emergency needs. The whole idea is to move ever nearer to understanding how to live like an unschooler in every aspect of one's life—not to "act" like an unschooler, but to think like one.

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That was written at How to Discuss Unschooling, about what makes unschooling discussions work well for members and their families.
photo by Jihong Tang

Gradually, humorously and merrily

It's not good for a family that's had rules to drop them suddenly. It confuses the kids, and robs the mom of a hundred chances to go "Hmmm.... Sure! Why not?" and keeps the kids from those hundred joyous moments. Better to move toward it somewhat gradually, humorously and merrily than to just say one day "Eat anything and everything, and never go to sleep." That's not comfortable.

The quote is from Principles of Unschooling?
but it's about Gradual Change.
photo by Kinsey Norris

Preserve some instincts

Allow children to reject food they don’t like, or that doesn’t smell like something they should eat, or doesn’t look good to them. Don’t extinguish a child’s instincts because you-the-parent seem sure that you know more, know facts, know rules.
. . . .Instead of looking for exceptions to knock my ideas away with, read a little (of this or anything else), try a little (try not forcing food OR “knowledge” into children), wait a while (and while you’re waiting, ponder the nature of “fact”) and watch for the effects of the read/try/wait process, on your own thinking, or on the child’s reactions and responses, or on the relationship.




Reading science; food, and instinct
information on a situation in which
Twinkies are better food than alfalfa sprouts,
and when lettuce might be very dangerous

Photo by Sandra Dodd of bell peppers (which I don't much like) stuffed with things lots of other people don't like or can't eat. I didn't do it on purpose, the recipe was just all beef, onion, garlic, tomatoes, mushrooms, pine nuts...