Trust and faith

A mom trying to persuade another mom to let kids have choices wrote:

But children don't die from eating too many Oreos or spending a whole day watching Kipper videos. They might get sick, or feel headachy, or be grumpy, but it's not life-threatening.

I responded:

They're entirely UNlikely to be sick, headachy or grumpy from those things. They are very likely to feel smaller, and worse, from parental restrictions and from hearing "no," though. And if the mom's dire warnings of doom turn out not to have been true, then trust and faith fall and are hard to restore.

Trust and faith are the most powerful tools parents of teens have. Too many parents squander those trying to control toddlers and young children.

SandraDodd.com/choice
photo by Sandra Dodd

There is no trick

Renee Cabatic, July 2010:

We were at a bar-b-q party and a 5-yr-old friend dug into the cooler, pulled out a Coca-cola and asked his Ma could he have it.

She said, "Heavens no, especially with that chocolate cake on your plate."

She then looked at me, asking, "How do you do it?"

I told her, "I don't restrict what my kids eat," and pointed to their plates. ]XuMei had watermelon, strawberries, green beans and chocolate cake on her plate. Xander had chosen salmon, corn on the cob, watermelon, strawberries and a root beer to drink.

Later I was telling Chris (my spouse) the story and Xander, who I thought was asleep in the back of the van, perked up and said, "The trick is, there is no trick."

—Renee Cabatic

SandraDodd.com/eating/candid
photo by Christine Milne

New answers to old questions

PamG wrote:

We went out to eat at Olive Garden last night and the boys got this activity sheet/menu to do while we waited. It had a crossword puzzle on it and we were doing it. I was reading the questions and the boys were answering. Questions like "Spaghetti is a _________." Well, the last question was "Clean your __________." My boys had no idea what that could be that would deal with food.

I gave them the answer, then looked at Jackson. We were both brought up hearing that phrase every day. I am so glad my boys have never heard it.

—Pam G.
(Posted on the
unschooling discussion list,
June 19, 2003)

---

Sandra Dodd later:

Holly Dodd asked me to read this page to her one night, and she said she would have guessed "Clean your hands" would be good advice about eating, and restaurants.

—Sandra

For those born in the 21st or late 20th century, the "right" answers were probably "pasta" and "[clean your] plate."

SandraDodd.com/eating/humor
photo by Sandra Dodd

"Rat plate"

Sally Lopez wrote:

This was lunch for Will (3 yrs), who was busy playing games online, and for Elias (18 mos), who was napping while I was preparing it all, otherwise it probably wouldn't have stayed together long enough to snap a picture. I had a Mexican tablecloth and napkins out already, so I made some snacks with Mexican flavor to look pretty with them. The sunshine-y plate is mango, grapes, chipotle ham, and queso fresco (Mexican cheese). The other is sliced cucumber and tomato, and the little cup is a salt/chile seasoning called Tajín, for sprinkling on fresh fruit or veggies. Results: Will devoured the grapes and cheese at the computer desk and drank the water, but discarded the lime wedge. He licked a piece of mango and sampled some ham, but said it was too spicy. Then he turned off his game and asked for some leftover soup from last night and an ice cream sandwich, which he ate at the table. Elias ate a little of everything except the Tajín. He sucked on the lime wedge for a while.

We call ours a "rat plate." There's a scene in the movie "Ratatouille" where Linguini sets out a little feast for Remy, the rat, with fruit and bread and cheese. After we watched that, Will pretended to be a rat and asked for "rat food."

—Sally Lopez

SandraDodd.com/eating/ratplate
photo by Sally Lopez

Life and learning

"I trust she is living a happy life and learning just happens if we step out of the way."

—Tamara MacDonald

A day and a bit in my daughter's "world learning" life
photo by Lydia Koltai

Less control, concerning food

Jo Isaac wrote:

Scientific studies show that parents who control food end up passing on a whole set of other problems to their kids - including potentially eating disorders.

For example: The linked study concludes that more controlling parents had children who ate more in general, of both "healthy" and "unhealthy" snacks. Also, children whose parents used food as a manipulator/behaviour moderator (i.e.: do you homework or you won't get any ice cream) were more unhappy with their body and looks.

Other studies have found that children who had their food controlled later were more likely to chose high-fat quick energy foods, and had limited acceptance of new foods, and - most importantly - had no ability to understand cues from their own bodies - they couldn't tell if they were hungry or not.

—Jo Isaac

Moving Toward Less Control, Concerning Food
photo by Christine Milne

Beware discouragement

This just makes me shudder: "Come on people, we are all doing the best that we can."

It means "Stop trying. Trying to do better would be stupid."

Sometimes parents encourage other parents NOT to do better. Beware those 'friends.'

SandraDodd.com/better
photo by Lydia Koltai

Thinking and watching

Annie Kessler wrote:

I used to honestly believe that my son was really sensitive to sugar and that consuming it changed his behavior in negative ways. Then someone (at an unschooling conference) mentioned some of these ideas—how sometimes we blame behaviors on something like sugar but the problem is really *our* own perception of what is going on and not the actual reality of what is happening. They said it more clearly than that, but that's what I took away from it and when I really thought about it and examined the situation and really watched my child I could see that it was true.
. . . . I am glad that someone pointed this out to me and that I was ready to hear it at the time. I'm glad to see some of the same ideas coming up here because there might be someone else like me out there.

—Annie Kessler

SandraDodd.com/eating/sugar
photo by Sandra Dodd
cupcakes decorated by younger Devyn Dodd

Comfort and support

I was planning to borrow an older post for today's post. Intending to see whether I had already repeated it, I accidentally put it into Google instead of Just Add Light and Stir's search bar.

The quote was this:

Taking food to someone who is reading or playing a game or watching a movie and just putting it where he or she can reach it without any instructions, warnings or reminders is a great gift. It is a simple gesture, and a profound service.

Those were my words, and they went with this photo, by Hinano:


The mistake triggered Google's AI to expand on the quote for me, and it was quite good:

---

This statement highlights a profound act of service: offering sustenance without disrupting someone's flow. By delivering food silently and without demands, you show care, respect their focus, and nurture them, turning a simple, quiet gesture into a meaningful gift of comfort and support.

Key Aspects of This Gesture:

• Respects Autonomy: It allows the person to consume the food at their own pace without interruption.


• Reduces Cognitive Load: It eliminates the need for conversation, instructions, or decisions.


• Provides Comfort: It demonstrates thoughtfulness and care for their physical well-being while they are engaged in an activity.


• Simple yet Profound: It shows that serving someone doesn't need to be elaborate to be deeply appreciated.

---

Original, 2016:
Small things are big
photo by Hinano

Knowing, instead of being told

SandraDodd:
I remember when I was a kid being told repeatedly in school that humans had no instincts left. So why would it even have occurred to me that I would "know" anything like that I was full? Seriously...

But my kids won't eat a single nut more than they actually want. It's stunning, really. It still surprises me.

SandraDodd.com/chats/food

Easier to read: SandraDodd.com/instinct
photo by Cátia Maciel (in Morocco, that day)

Eating food

Gwen Montoya, Easter 2014

This morning my kids woke up to Easter baskets with a DVD they have been wanting and lots of their favorite chocolate (different kids, different tastes).

So far, my oldest has eaten two waffles with peanut butter and two ham & cheese sandwiches. And two pieces of candy from her basket.
. . . . They are excited about the DVD's, but have been hiding eggs, playing with Matchbox cars, and performing science experiments on Peeps. Not watching the movies.

—Gwen Montoya

There's more:
SandraDodd.com/eating/sweets#gwen
photo by Amy Milstein

What "everybody knows"

A mom named Lorraine wrote, years ago:

The 1st biggie for me was the food issue. I read 'let them eat what they want' & thought people had lost their minds. So, I tried it! Dakota wanted a cookie before breakfast and I said okay, but I'm cooking breakfast. She ate it, and turned to me and asked if she could have another one? Sure, I say (knowing good and well she wasn't gonna eat any breakfast afterwards). So she eats it, then breakfast was ready and she ate what she always eats (two pieces of sausage & a piece of toast). "Well that is a fluke," I say to myself, because everybody knows sweets BEFORE A MEAL ruin your appetite. So I am more determined with my experiment (to prove you all wrong) LOL. Do you want me to embarrass myself here? 🙂 Ya'll were right. Ya'll's experiences and your willingness to share them made Dakota and Shelby's life brighter.

—Lorraine

SandraDodd.com/list
photo by Cátia Maciel

Choosing food

The idea that one can learn to feel and know one's own body and choose foods accordingly is shocking to most people. I wouldn't have thought it sensible or possible, when I was younger, but having given my three children the option to turn down any food, and to try any food, to choose their own quantities of food has shown me a whole different aspect of human learning and instinct.

It should make sense. Early people wouldn't have continued to eat what wasn't good for them if they weren't starving. If they had options, they would have chosen the things that seemed (for whatever range of reasons they might be choosing) good. There are food taboos and preferences all over the world. Some are credited to religion or superstition. Some are medicinal. All were, originally, local.

In a situation in which there is an abundance of food shipped and traded all over the world, then how does one choose? This is what is coming to be called "a first-world problem." In terms of learning, though, in the context of the life of a family choosing unschooling and mindful parenting, the question is answered every time food is bought, presented, consumed or considered.

SandraDodd.com/eating/choices
photo by Sandra Dodd

Demons (avoidance of)

If a family thinks that "having no junk food" in the house will ensure a child's health for eight or nine decades, they are incorrect in that belief. If the mother thinks that it will absolve her of any blame in future dietary choices, she is also incorrect.

Demonizing food creates a demon. Being calm creates more calm.

SandraDodd.com/control
photo by Sandra Dodd

Kindness, grace and generosity

Meredith wrote:

Expecting human relationships—of any kind—to be fair and equitable is a set-up for cynicism and disappointment in the human race. Human beings are marvelously varied in their needs and capabilities. It helps a whole lot to think in terms of needs and capabilities rather than rights or fairness or equality. What more can you do to support the people you love—including yourself? Kindness, grace, and generosity go a lot further toward creating warm relationships and a joyfully harmonious home than measuring out equality.

—Meredith Novak

SandraDodd.com/50/50
photo by Cátia Maciel

Never heard of such a thing

Christine Macdonald wrote that she and her daughter had walked to the grocery store once to pick up milk they needed for a recipe:

I had brought a ten-dollar bill (no wallet) I told her we'd have about six dollars left and she could get whatever she wanted with it—she wanted a pomegranate or three artichokes (neither of which we had enough money left for) I told her we could come back later with my wallet and get them or get them now skip the milk and come back later for the milk to finish our cake. She said come back later for the artichokes. When we were at the checkout I said why don't you just get a candy bar or something for the walk home she said no thanks. A mom behind me in line was shocked at the idea of a kid not wanting candy if offered said she never heard of such a thing.

—Christine Macdonald

SandraDodd.com/eating/sweets
photo by Jihong Tang

New Year's Abundance

Nicole wrote:

Thank you for the ways you have helped me embrace abundance and the positive impact this has on my family. I am entering this next season with serenity and enthusiasm. Many Blessings on your New Year!

And I mean abundance in so many ways. An abundance of ways I caught myself and made a more peaceful or joyful choice, an abundance of laughter. An abundance of forgiveness, for myself, my husband, my kids, the world. An abundance of times I stopped and was attentive to the subtle signs in my kids or myself and acted on them. An abundance of times I actually listened to my children's voices instead of mowing them over with my own way of seeing things without even noticing I was doing it. Like when my daughter quietly said, "I don't want a wooden guitar with strings, I want one of those pink ones with the flashing lights so I can rock out." And even though I could still hear the old voices and objections in my head, the superior ones, the critical ones, I recognized them and chose to support her instead (and she sure does rock out). In a thousand big and little shifts, the choice to open up, to believe I can receive goodness and share this with my children.

—Nicole
in comments on Doors
December 31, 2013

SandraDodd.com/abundance
photo by Cátia Maciel

Peaceful, interesting and happy

If they're happy then they are!. . . .
If this moment is good, it's easier for the next moment to be good. If you have three or four really good moments in a day, people can go to bed happier, sleep better, and wake up happy. In as many small ways as you can, create a peaceful and interesting nest for your children and they'll leave it as happy, interesting people someday.

Socialization (archived)
photo by Sandra Dodd,
of reflections and shadows in a simple moment

Real learning is bigger

Pam Sorooshian wrote:

The idea that learning to read is learning to sound out or recognize words, that learning to write is learning to draw the letters correctly, that learning math is learning to carry out algorithms by rote—such ridiculously low goals. As if that is what kids are capable of. Those are not real reading, writing, or math.

—Pam Sorooshian

What Teaching Can Never Be (chat transcript)
photo by Cátia Maciel

Respect makes sense

Joyce wrote::

When kids feel respected, when they've experienced a life time of their desires being respected and supported to find safe, respectful, doable ways to get what they want, kids won't push the envelope into craziness. That behavior just doesn't make sense to them.

Kids who've been controlled focus on pushing against that control, sometimes focus on the hurt of not being accepted for who they are, and do things just because they're not supposed to.

— Joyce Fetteroll

SandraDodd.com/partners/child
photo by Caren Knox