Fears

New unschoolers are often afraid. They're afraid to keep doing what they're doing; they're afraid to change. Sometimes to calm someone I have said "It's not like moving to Mars. You will still live in the same house. You'll still be sitting in that same chair."

Something that allayed my fears when I had babies still works years later. When I'm fearful or worried, it helps to smell the top of my child's head. If you find a natural opportunity to hold or hug or bend over your child, inhale the scent of his head, slowly. Don't worry if it's an unbathed eleven year old. Just do it with love and gratitude, and you might find yourself in that moment, touching your child gently, remembering who you are and where you are.



I don't have a page on fears. This one mentions the benefit of smelling a child's head, though: SandraDodd.com/peace/noisy

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2020 update:
Ten years have passed since I said I didn't have a page on fears. There are four, now, and all created to help people step past and rise above their fears.
Overcoming Fear / SandraDodd.com/fear will lead to the others.

Easy flow

Jenny Cyphers, on overcoming fears:

If a parent has too many hangups, too many fears, too many issues, that they don't take out and examine, it will destroy what unschooling could be. People can get really wrapped up in fears and "what if's". Sometimes it consumes a person, a parent, a family. Happy, peaceful, unschooling can't flourish in those conditions. Fear creates blocks. Learning needs easy flow. Easy flow can happen naturally unless a person blocks it.

—Jenny Cyphers

SandraDodd.com/fears
photo by Chrissy Florence, the day they saw a mom and baby whale
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Be afraid of fears, maybe

Joyce Fetteroll, on unfounded fear:


It's natural to want to be safe rather than sorry. In fact it's natural to listen to fears. Evolutionarily speaking if an animal runs when frightened but is wrong, nothing is lost except dignity. If an animal doesn't run when frightened but there is something wrong, they're dead. We're wired to listen to our fears.

But these warnings aren't about known dangers like earthquakes in LA or tornados in Oklahoma. This is about protecting your kids from shadows that might be dragons.

So while your family hunkers down behind dragon-proof walls, your kids' friends will all be out playing happily as though dragons don't exist.

—Joyce Fetteroll

SandraDodd.com/radiation
photo by Karen James
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Unfounded fears

Joyce Fetteroll, on unfounded fear:

It's natural to want to be safe rather than sorry. In fact it's natural to listen to fears. Evolutionarily speaking if an animal runs when frightened but is wrong, nothing is lost except dignity. If an animal doesn't run when frightened but there is something wrong, they're dead. We're wired to listen to our fears.

But these warnings aren't about known dangers like earthquakes in LA or tornados in Oklahoma. This is about protecting your kids from shadows that might be dragons.

So while your family hunkers down behind dragon-proof walls, your kids' friends will all be out playing happily as though dragons don't exist.

—Joyce Fetteroll

SandraDodd.com/radiation
photo by Karen James

First, become confident

Confidence in unschooling can't come from other people's accounts. It can only come from seeing one's own children relaxing into learning effortlessly through play, conversations, observations, a rich life.

"Facing fears" sounds scary, intimidating and negative. Stepping toward learning is much more positive. Being with children is easy; they're already right there. Move toward them, instead of milling around with fears and vulnerability.

Sandra's response to someone asking about confidence
photo by Tara Joe Farrell
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Fear can fade

New unschoolers are often afraid. They're afraid to keep doing what they're doing; they're afraid to change. Sometimes to calm someone I have said "It's not like moving to Mars. You will still live in the same house. You'll still be sitting in that same chair."

Something that allayed my fears when I had babies still works years later. When I'm fearful or worried, it helps to smell the top of my child's head. If you find a natural opportunity to hold or hug or bend over your child, inhale the scent of his head, slowly. Don't worry if it's an unbathed eleven year old. Just do it with love and gratitude, and you might find yourself in that moment, touching your child gently, remembering who you are and where you are.



To help people step past and rise above their fears: Overcoming Fear

Protection can backfire

Something Joyce Fetteroll wrote in September 2010:

What if you live your life fearing the worst and guarding against it? Your child will grow up immersed in the idea the world is scary and stronger than he is and he needs armor (or mom) to protect him. (As much as you might try, you won't be able to hide your fears from him.) Is that what you want?


Or he'll think you're full of baloney. He'll see people doing the things you fear—like drinking soda—and they're healthy and strong. He'll then realize you don't know what you're talking about and tune you out. That won't be so good when your fears are justified (like about unprotected sex and drinking and driving.)

Those are worst case scenarios but it's likely he'll have a bit of those if you live your life protecting him from the world.

—Joyce Fetteroll

Related ideas: SandraDodd.com/trust.html
photo by Sandra Dodd
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Protection can backfire

Something Joyce Fetteroll wrote in September 2010:

What if you live your life fearing the worst and guarding against it? Your child will grow up immersed in the idea the world is scary and stronger than he is and he needs armor (or mom) to protect him. (As much as you might try, you won't be able to hide your fears from him.) Is that what you want?


Or he'll think you're full of baloney. He'll see people doing the things you fear—like drinking soda—and they're healthy and strong. He'll then realize you don't know what you're talking about and tune you out. That won't be so good when your fears are justified (like about unprotected sex and drinking and driving.)

Those are worst case scenarios but it's likely he'll have a bit of those if you live your life protecting him from the world.

—Joyce Fetteroll

Related ideas: SandraDodd.com/trust.html
photo by Sandra Dodd
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Breathing and safety

Deep breaths change everything, for a few moments.

From Tiny Monsters, which deals with my firstborn being four, and one of my own early memories:

I have something of a monster antidote: breathing. Breathe deeply and calmly. Get oxygen into that part of you that fears the tiny monsters. Once you master calming your hurts and fears (or at least calming the adrenaline that would make you lash out), you'll have time to think about how to deal with them rationally and sweetly and compassionately.

Breathing (a later page)
photo by Sandra Dodd

What are teens thinking?

Pam Sorooshian, on teens' natural fears:

Sometimes teens need a LOT of reassurance. So just keep showing him your confidence in him at the same time that you understand and sympathize with his fears. It is sometimes harder on our unschooled kids at this age than their schooled counterparts because our kids are entering adulthood eyes wide open—they "get it" that they are moving into adult responsibilities, etc., and they are (justifiably) sometimes freaked out by it all. The schooled kids more often don't really grasp what's coming—they're just following orders, going through the expected motions. Our unschooled kids are thinking—and their thoughts can be overwhelming and scary and they can easily feel inadequate to face the future.

—Pam Sorooshian

SandraDodd.com/teen/angst
photo by Sandra Dodd
of directional signals
on a retired London bus

Protection

For unschooling to flourish, parents might need to find ways to protect their children from the parents’ own fears and prejudices. The easiest way to do that is for the parents to let go of those fears and prejudices and see the world, and their children, through new eyes.

Protection can backfire
photo by Sandra Dodd
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Breathing and safety

Deep breaths change everything, for a few moments.

From Tiny Monsters, which deals with my firstborn being four, and one of my own early memories:

I have something of a monster antidote: breathing. Breathe deeply and calmly. Get oxygen into that part of you that fears the tiny monsters. Once you master calming your hurts and fears (or at least calming the adrenaline that would make you lash out), you'll have time to think about how to deal with them rationally and sweetly and compassionately.

Breathing
photo by Sandra Dodd

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There were two sweet comments in 2010 when this was first published.

Fear itself

Clare Kirkpatrick wrote:

"I always find it helpful to really pick apart my fears and compare them to other fears I could have and I usually come to the conclusion that I really should just chill out about it all and look for joy, not fear. Fear just gets in the way of everything. And fear itself is bad for you anyway—worrying about this or that all the time just means you have some nasty, harmful hormones floating round your body. You can find reasons to worry about everything but all those things will get in your way."

—Clare Kirkpatrick
(original)

Better Biochemicals
photo by Sandra Dodd

Looking at our real kids

Joyce Fetteroll wrote:

For unschooling to flourish it means taking out our fears and examining them. It means looking at unschooled children to find out what really happens rather than what seems like would happen (from knowledge of schooled, controlled kids). It means shutting off the expert voices that tell parents what they should be seeing and looking at our real kids."

—Joyce Fetteroll

SandraDodd.com/fears
photo by Sandra Dodd
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Step toward learning

Confidence in unschooling can't come from other people's accounts. It can only come from seeing one's own children relaxing into learning effortlessly through play, conversations, observations, a rich life.

"Facing fears" sounds scary, intimidating and negative. Stepping toward learning is much more positive. Being with children is easy; they're already right there. Move toward them, instead of milling around with fears and vulnerability.

SandraDodd.com/confidence
photo by Denaire Nixon
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What can Be

If you hold on to all your old ideas and fears and images of learning, every bit of that builds a curtain of "what should be" and you can't relax, see and appreciate what is.

SandraDodd.com/gettingit
photo by Sandra Dodd,
and not a good photo,
of an elephant on the base of a cross
outside of Edinburgh castle
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The most important part

A mom named Maya wrote:

Living from principles, rather than fears, is the easiest way to grok unschooling, as far as I can tell. (But maybe it isn't easy, because it took me a long time to figure that out for myself, haha. I was all, 'what is all this rules vs. principles stuff anyway?' Now, in my unschooling, it seems like the most important part.)

—Maya

SandraDodd.com/principles
The forum where the original quote lived is gone now,
so I'm glad I had saved it!
photo by Sandra Dodd
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Your kids know

Joyce wrote:
"He can feel you hovering over him waiting for him to do something that will calm your fears."

Sandra adds:
Your children know when you're anxious or nervous. Don't think you're sneaking up on them. It's important to relax, not just to pretend to be relaxed.

JoyfullyRejoycing.com/how-to-unschool
photo by Susan Gaissert

Going forward

Janine Davies wrote:

Respectful parenting and parenting for social change is where my main focus is now, and of course radical unschooling is all those things and more. For me, that all begins and ends with being a good mum in the eyes and minds of my children, and going forward being remembered as a kind respectful and happy mum—someone they could trust implicitly, and who was their partner and friend.

Hopefully they will then carry that forward to how they treat their children, regardless of what the current trend is, or fears they have, or the current scaremongering circulating. Even if they don't have children of their own, my hope is that they treat and speak to all children that they come in contact with throughout their lives with the same respect and kindness that they afford their partners and friends, and that they treat them like the people they are.

—Janine Davies

SandraDodd.com/janine/success
photo by Jihong Tang
(her son's painting, left)

Means, encouragement, time and space

If the child is allowed to sit with mom or walk across the room, read or not read without pressure or fanfare, walk or not walk as he wishes, if his environment is kept comfortable (taking his personality, fears, needs into account when arranging his comfort) and if he has the means and encouragement and time and space to explore his ever-expanding world, he will learn.

SandraDodd.com/labels
photo by Sandra Dodd, at a tile museum in Lisbon
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