About Teaching and Learning

List five things you learned after the age of twelve that you learned totally outside of school.

Try to think if three friends who make a living at things they learned outside of school (list by occupation/skill).

—Two of seven questions on a 1997 handout
for an "Intro to Unschooling" workshop

SandraDodd.com/introduction
photo by Sandra Dodd

Wonderful wonder

Pam Sorooshian, of something she learned before she was unschooling:

It really makes a huge difference how the parent is feeling about what the kids are doing.

My sister inadvertently taught me this when her now-24 yo son was only about 4 years old. They had old very beat-up furniture and her son, Alex, was standing next to a couch with holes in it. He was pulling out little bits of stuffing and rolling it in his fingers, feeling the texture, stuffing it back in, pulling out another tuft, feeling it, and so on. He had a faraway look in his eyes and was clearly really focused on experiencing the sensation of the texture of those tufts of couch stuffing.

She and I walked in and saw him at the same moment. MY reaction would have been to stop him from pulling stuffing out of the old couch. Julie stopped and smiled and said, quietly to me, "Look at that — he is having such a deep sensual experience just with a bit of stuffing from an old couch. How wonderful!"

Another parent might have complained, "My kid is so bored he's literally pulling the stuffing out of our old couch. That's the best thing he can find to do?"

This might sound sort of phony or silly and unimportant - I'm just recommending that people look at what their kids ARE doing and see if they can change their own thinking about it - see it in the best possible way. It doesn't change what they're doing, but it changes the "tone" in the home and that is so all-important it can't be overemphasized.

—Pam Sorooshian

SandraDodd.com/wonder
photo by Belinda Dutch

Pivot point

Something tips the balance, when people's lives change. It's likely that some person, somewhere, said or did something that changed your viewpoint and direction. Someone's voice is in your head, encouraging you to be brave. Your voice might be in someone else's head someday.

From the description of a workshop in 2013
photo by SandraDodd

What helps?

In a sweet little side-exchange about unschooling working, and a child being 17, I wrote:

Parental hopes and worries don't help.

Parental support and smiles and snacks still help, even when the kids are on the cusp of being adults. 🙂

---

Best wishes to all with teen and young-adult unschoolers. Being their whole selves on their own paths doesn't change with the calendar. Most of you know that already; my correspondent did, too.

SandraDodd.com/teen/
photo by Sarah S.

Prevent regret

Jenny Cyphers, quoting and commenting:

I ran across this little bit this morning, from Pam Sorooshian:

Self-recrimination is self-indulgent and not helpful to your children. Be fully present in the here and now. That's the antidote to regret.

Something I like about Pam is that she says so much in so few words! That one packs a punch! Or a soft hand on someone's shoulder, really.

When people talk about doing unschooling right, to me, this gets at the heart of it! Go and BE WITH your kids, don't let days go by in which regret happens, because the opposite of that is where the magic happens!

—Jenny Cyphers

More by
Jenny Cyphers and Pam Sorooshian
photo by Rippy Dusseldorp

Learn Nothing Day

Shhhhh.... don't scare him.

photos by Holly Dodd
Almogordo, 2009

"Try not to learn"

I was once asked:

Since unschooling is a lifestyle, how can a family wanting to embrace these ideals begin the process? What encouragement would you offer?

Part of my 1998 response:

Play. Joke. Sing. Instead of turning inward and looking for the answer within the family, within the self, turn it all inside out. Get out of the house. Go somewhere you've never been, even a city park you're unfamiliar with, or a construction site, or a different grocery store. Try just being calm and happy together. For some families, that's simple. For others it's a frightening thought.

Try not to learn. Don't try to learn. Those two aren't the same thing but they're close enough for beginners. If you see something *educational* don't say a word. Practice letting exciting opportunities go by, or at least letting the kids get the first word about something interesting you're all seeing.

---

The "Try not to learn" idea inspired Learn Nothing Day ten years afterwards (and 18 years ago, now).

SandraDodd.com/interview
photo by Holly Dodd

in French

Confidence and reason

Pam Sorooshian, in a discussion in June 2011:

I didn't get to observe radically unschooled kids before coming to the conclusions I did about how children learn. I'm sure it helps build confidence to see grown unschooled kids—that's why my kids and I make ourselves available. But it isn't necessary. For me, it required confidence in my own logical thinking ability. I reasoned things out and did what made sense to me. I gathered ideas from a lot of people, including you (Joyce) and Sandra (but all of us still had young kids back then, so there was no evidence of older kids or young adults yet).

My willingness to think for myself—to analyze, critique, to be open-minded, and to trust my own conclusions—that was how I came to understand unschooling. Well, that and actual trying things out in our own family and paying attention to what happened and, again, thinking for myself. This whole unschooling journey was very very much an intellectual process for me—a process of developing deeper and deeper understanding by reading and listening to others, thinking hard about what I'd read and heard, applying what made sense, paying attention to how things were going, waiting a little, trying out other ideas that seemed to make sense, and continuing that process for all the years I had children—taking in input of others ideas and experiences, considering and analyzing, acting on my own conclusions, observing my own family dynamics—all at the same time.

—Pam Sorooshian

SandraDodd.com/understanding
photo by Karen James
of Ethan's early art

Two days until Learn Nothing Day

Reading, thinking and doing

Alysia Berman wrote:

It took several years before I stopped having those fears creep into my thoughts every once in a while. I can finally say that after about nine years of reading about, thinking about and doing unschooling those fears don't enter my mind anymore.

I tell people that I'm amazed every day by what my kids know and learn. It seems miraculous. It's not, really. It's normal. I see it as miraculous because I was indoctrinated to believe that none of this could happen outside of school and without teachers.

—Alysia Berman

---

At first, it's not easy to see learning.

After a while, it shows easily.

This Friday, see if you can step away from learning, just for a while.

SandraDodd.com/gettingit
photo by Jo Isaac

Calm and thoughtful

"Rebellion for the sake of rebellion is as bad as conformity for the sake of conformity."

—Sandra, 2011

Live in the middle. A life of calm, thoughtful choice-making is more relaxing.

SandraDodd.com/balance
photo by Brie Jontry
(there's a moose)

Mix it up

From some ideas for proving unschooling gradually to an unknowing spouse:

Go "interdisciplinary" as much as you can so you can checklist two or three things at once. Songs about history. Recipes from other countries. Science that requires measurement (size/weight/temperature, whatever) and double-dip on your listings so that your daughter will NOT separate the subjects into separate categories as schooled kids tend to do. Don't use the "science/history" terms with her when you don't have to. Just on the paper your husband sees. . . . . Put your frustrated energy into a burst of mixing it up.

SandraDodd.com/reluctance
photo by Cátia Maciel

What's the rush?

I saw an advertisement on the side of some webpage, aimed at me. "Homeschooling," I saw out the corner of my eye. It asked me whether I didn't want to make sure my child was ahead.

"Ahead" of what? Ahead of himself? That's considered a bad thing. "Don't get ahead of yourself," people say.

"Ahead" of other people? What's the rush?

When the traffic is slow on the freeway, sometimes someone will zoom along the shoulder and try to squeeze in. Why? It's not helpful. It's not polite. It's not safe.

My children are grown. They grew slowly, safely, politely, and I've always tried to be helpful. They weren't ahead. They were right where they were, all day, every day. There they still are, where they're used to being. They are themselves, here and now.

SandraDodd.com/being
photo by Sandra Dodd

"Rat plate"

Sally Lopez wrote:

This was lunch for Will (3 yrs), who was busy playing games online, and for Elias (18 mos), who was napping while I was preparing it all, otherwise it probably wouldn't have stayed together long enough to snap a picture. I had a Mexican tablecloth and napkins out already, so I made some snacks with Mexican flavor to look pretty with them. The sunshine-y plate is mango, grapes, chipotle ham, and queso fresco (Mexican cheese). The other is sliced cucumber and tomato, and the little cup is a salt/chile seasoning called Tajín, for sprinkling on fresh fruit or veggies. Results: Will devoured the grapes and cheese at the computer desk and drank the water, but discarded the lime wedge. He licked a piece of mango and sampled some ham, but said it was too spicy. Then he turned off his game and asked for some leftover soup from last night and an ice cream sandwich, which he ate at the table. Elias ate a little of everything except the Tajín. He sucked on the lime wedge for a while.

We call ours a "rat plate." There's a scene in the movie "Ratatouille" where Linguini sets out a little feast for Remy, the rat, with fruit and bread and cheese. After we watched that, Will pretended to be a rat and asked for "rat food."

—Sally Lopez

SandraDodd.com/eating/ratplate
photo by Sally Lopez

Poker chips

One of our best math tools is a revolving holder full of poker chips. Babies discovered and continued stacking-patterns started by a parent or sibling. They were counted, stacked, rolled, spun and thrown. Older kids use them as coins in adventure games, or try to make patterns too hard for parents to guess.

SandraDodd.com/supplies
photos by Sandra Dodd

Playing, hanging out and listening

In response to a question about what to do first, Schuyler wrote:

You start by learning about your children. You start by playing with them. By hanging out and listening to them. By starting with them. The more you know about them, the more you know about what interests them, the more you see them and hang out with them, the easier it will be for you to find things that interest them. Don't start by looking at the wider world and trying to force it upon your children. Start with them.

—Schuyler Waynforth

SandraDodd.com/howto/
photo by Cátia Maciel

Busy, curious and open

People ask whether unschooling isn't like unit studies. Perhaps in the same way there are hexagonal and pentagonal patterns in nature it is. Mathematicians didn't design the patterns in flowers and starfish, but they see them and name them after the fact. I see, in retrospect, a "water unit," but the best thing I can see in the future is to remain busy, curious, and open to whatever comes along. Flexibility to pursue tangents and cowtrails, and continuing to see the wonder in everyday things will lead to learning experiences without prior planning.

A butterfly in the yard is more wonderful than a dusty butterfly pinned in a box, but you can control the one in the box better, as long as you don't want it to fly. At least it will be there when you want to look at it. The one in the yard is on his own schedule.

SandraDodd.com/puddle
photo by Collen Prieto
(Karner blue, Concord, NH)

Magic gopher

Someone once asked:

My son (14) asked how Magic Gopher works. He tried several times to stump them, with no luck. He wanted to know the mathematical method for "guessing" the numbers. I'm sure it's a very simple and logical process, but I have no answer. Can anyone help? Thanks.

Joyce Fetteroll knew and explained it at length, so I saved it here: SandraDodd.com/math/answers
Maybe play the game first, before looking behind the curtain. Have fun!


SandraDodd.com/math
image capture of "Magic Gopher" starting screen

Thoughtful decisions

I think the idea of "self-regulating" suggests that there are things people should, or must, or have to do, and they should learn to make themselves do them (or keep themselves from doing them). . . . .
If a person learns to choose what to do for real reasons, and makes thoughtful decisions more and more, it becomes habit and it changes him. Also, self-regulation can fail. A person "fails to self-regulate." And it's by other people's judgment. It's just not good.

It also removes freedom and choices, and makes people smaller.

SandraDodd.com/self-regulation
photo by Nicole Kenyon

Limits? Focus elsewhere.

Carol Brown, responding to the comment "Not being able to read can limit them":

They are also limited by their lack of height—but I'm not going to stretch them on the rack each night, to try and fix that.🙂 They are limited by not being able to drive—but I wouldn't let a 6 yo drive my car to the library! Reading is just one of many things they are limited by. I have found it is better to focus on the things they can do, or can nearly do, and help where they want help, rather than try to make / bribe / tempt / cajole / whatever / them into trying to learn things they aren't ready for. And many kids, especially boys, but some girls too, simply aren't ready for reading until later.

The main problem for a late reader is the negative input from others. Homeschool kids can be protected from a lot of that—providing the parents aren't the ones exuding the negativity!

—Carol Brown

SandraDodd.com/r/carolbrown
photo by Rippy Dusseldorp/Ripandeep Saran
(her boy, not one of Carol's)

Past Voices

Let the past inform your decisions. Let the past be a little angel on your shoulder, but don't let the voices in your head tell you what to do. It might be time to tell the voices in your head "enough."


Voices in your head
photo by Karen James

Small-space physicality

Meredith wrote this, and more:

Make forts and tunnels in the living room using blankets and cushions—crawl around and through and over them.
. . . . Get some flimsy fabric or scarves and dance with them. If you have a big enough piece of fabric you can toss it up in the air and try to get under it before it lands.

Play games with balloons—volleyball, soccer, and if you can do it without disturbing the neighbors "balloon stomp" where you tie a balloon to one leg and see how quickly you can break it by stepping on it.

—Meredith Novak

SandraDodd.com/physicality
photo by Cátia Maciel

Trust the process

Tina Bragdon wrote:

We attachment parented, but in terms of unschooling I at first thought of it in terms of a non coercive "natural" way of getting academics. Now, I can really see how extending the philosophy to relationships and your family atmosphere sets such an important underlying backdrop to learning, and unschooling running smoothly. I can see all that now looking in retrospect. Same thing with just growing in trust in the whole process.... I see so many homeschooling aquaintances fretting about how their kids are going to learn to read, how to "motivate" them to "do schoolwork", and everything about this seems to come from such a place of fear and stress and molding your kids into an end product.

—Tina Bragdon

SandraDodd.com/surprise
photo by Stacie Mahoe

Life and learning

"I trust she is living a happy life and learning just happens if we step out of the way."

—Tamara MacDonald

A day and a bit in my daughter's "world learning" life
photo by Lydia Koltai

Choosing something better

Sometimes I want to whine. Sometimes I do.

It never helps.

When making a conscious decision about how to respond or how to react, it will be rare that whining would be the best choice.

SandraDodd.com/betterchoice
photo by Holly Dodd
on window-installation day

Fewer limitations

"If parents are unwilling to be open-minded, their unschooling will be limited. It will be a walking bird, and not a flying bird. Perhaps a turkey, rather than an eagle."

I wrote that in a discussion of helping children live in the real world, with more food choices and less parental control.

Turkeys are okay, but they don't have the option to fly.

SandraDodd.com/control
photos by Cass Kotrba and Gail Higgins

P.S. Roadrunners can't fly, either, but I'm glad when one visits my yard. I thought penguins couldn't fly, but then I saw one swimming, through an aquarium's side-window. It was flying through the water—all the same motions as flying.

May your curiosity be unlimited.

Mindfully and deliberately

"By relinquishing the desire to control, you help your child onto the path of living mindfully themselves, making choices and decisions mindfully and deliberately, instead of reactively."

—Robyn Coburn

SandraDodd.com/option
photo by Celeste Burke

Escape, relaxation, stories

Escapism isn't a bad thing.

Relaxation is a great thing.

Taking in stories and ideas is a healthy human thing that's been happening since cavemen sat around fires (or since Adam and Eve started comparing notes about what they might've seen or eaten that day, if you prefer that).


When I came to see whether the quote above had been used,
I searched for "cavemen" and found
Elvis, Barbie and Rebellion.
The quote above is from "Safe on the Couch"
photo by Jo Isaac

Service and nurturing

Service and nurturing can make parents better humans.

Not being served, or being nurtured, but being of service and being nurturing to others.

SandraDodd.com/service
photo by Chrissy Florence

Something to smile about

"Something to smile about" might be a big-deal day, or a normal rainy day, but there will be something sweet or new or funny if you look around. Maybe you can be the sweet and funny part of another person's moment, and they'll smile at you.

---

Belinda Dutch once wrote, in gratitude for the AlwaysLearning discussion:

I have a core of clarity and intention within me to make me smile, keep me calm and make me feel accompanied in my philosophical journey.

Smile
photo by Sandra Dodd

Better?

"What will make the situation better?" That might be a good mantra for family changes. Anyone, no matter how young or frustrated, can think of each action in light of "Will it make the situation better?"


SandraDodd.com/unschooling
(quote from an outgoing e-mail)
photo by Cathy Koetsier

Find things she CAN cut

Sometimes parents think unschooling means kids do anything they want anytime, anywhere, to anything and anybody, and the parent doesn’t have the right to an opinion. That makes no sense.

Be your child’s partner. Don’t let your team be a bad team.

Fitted sheets are expensive. Your team cut a sheet. You, the older, smarter, ranking team member, screwed up.

She had scissors around a sheet. Problem.

IF when she cut the sheet you “tried to talk to her about why it was not okay” instead of expressing honest surprise and frustration, you will lost trust by being dishonest.

How will she learn the difference between expensive sheets and clothes, and scrap crap, if the mom uses a sweetie-pop poodle voice both times?

The original is on Always Learning
where I had linked to the page about tone of voice:
SandraDodd.com/tone
photo by Sandra Dodd
(here, on facebook)

I had no photo of a young child cutting things she shouldn't but remembered a photo of a clean fitted sheet.

Changing; healing; hope

Often people have been resistant about the idea that unschooling involves anything more than just letting their kids play. They don't like to think it involves changing themselves.

Gradually, freedom for the children creates a new looseness in the parents, though. And as one increases, the other does too. When a parent hits a hard spot, where they feel jealousy and resentment, it's often a sign that there's a painful childhood memory that hasn't been laid out to dry yet.

When we're tempted to say "no," and we have that little internal conversation about "Why not?" that can be healing. When I'm there, I think of my mom saying no, and then I picture her having been open enough to say yes more, and I picture my childhood self having a thrill of freedom and approval. There was some freedom, and some approval, but I can imagine up a lot more of it, and shower it on my children.

Sometimes I picture my granny telling my imagined young-girl mom "Yes" a lot too, and I think maybe if my mom had had more freedom she would have more to spread around. And I hope my children will not have to think so hard when they say yes to their children.

Others have mentioned feeling lighter and less bound by "have to." It doesn't seem to matter whether they start with "educational" issues or general parenting issues, it all builds together. All the relationships get better.

SandraDodd.com/healing
photo by Janine Davies

One seamless whole

Tina Bragdon wrote:

More and more I am beginning to understand what you say about the power of our words, the semantics of them, and what they reveal about our thoughts deep down. I used to think long ago this was a bit nitpicky, but really can see what you mean when I really stop and think about it.

I think that awareness (for me anyway) is easier to come by with some of our loaded words like "lazy", "she-he always/never.." and such, but most of us weren't homeschooled let alone unschooled and as such don't realize the impact of being graded, sorted, and categorized from the age of 2-3 or so (ie-being regarded as "toddler", preschooler" and so on).

The more I take the word "teach" out of my vocabulary and am conscious of it the better it is for me and the easier it is to see my children's lives as one seamless whole and not divided by subjects.

—Tina Bragdon

The School in my Head

Mindful of Words

SandraDodd.com/subjects
photo by Holly Dodd

Highlight now

Our parents grew up in a different time, with different pressures and realities, and there's no profit in trying to persuade them they should've had the sensibilities you might have now (or that you're developing or would like to have). If you focus on what you want to do with and for your own children and why, the rest of the family can begin to fade in importance.



Customized, thoughtful choices
photo by Sandra Dodd

Imagine that

The richness of that environment of learning, where the parents and the children are exploring what they want to explore and sharing little bits along the way, sliding in and out of each others' hobbies, it is so big, it's so rich, and when the children are old enough to get jobs—mine all got jobs as teens, but in some countries that’s not as legal as it is where I am—and when they decide to move out, it’s so smooth, it’s so normal. It already seems not unusual that a child would move out, would find a cool opportunity and move out, and that the parents would help them willingly, sweetly.

And I’ve seen that now dozens of times, and I assume I will see that hundreds of times before I'm through, and most people have not seen that one time. They can’t imagine it; they don’t believe it. What they see is: when the child turns 18, everything changes.

I’ve talked to kids who said they were so scared and stressed when they were 17, because they knew when they turned 18, their parents were going to start charging them rent, or throw them out, or if they didn’t go to the university, they should go to the military—all this huge pressure to get... to get out. You are done now; we're done.

So people hadn’t considered that they could totally avoid that, that that would be a natural offshoot of radical unschooling.

I was speaking, not writing.
You can hear and read more here:
Family Bonding
photo by Holly Dodd

The easy way

When someone wrote "I may be taking the easy way out by just waiting until my son is older...," I responded (in part):

TAKE THE EASY WAY!!!

Make people’s lives easy. Don’t think there’s virtue in allowing difficulties to continue.

Make his life easier, if you can do it in some simple way.

The world will provide obstacles and difficulties enough. Let it be your duty and joy to provide a haven.

SandraDodd.com/peace
photo by Abby Davis