Better than school

If you're going to unschool, it needs to be better than school. If that involves getting mental, emotional or physical therapy for the parents, then do it! The house doesn't work if the roof is leaking and there's no heat. Parents don't work if they're in an emotional fog and can't pay sweet attention to their kids.


Healing Presence
photo by Sandra Dodd

I'm positive!

"Being able to find the wonder in small things contributes to being more positive."

—Marta Venturini

SandraDodd.com/chats/wonder
photo by Sandra Dodd
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All over the place

Children learn when they're not with parents, too! They're learning all the time, all over the place.

SandraDodd.com/mha
photo by James Daniel
of Holly Dodd in 2009 at Rex Features office in London,
delivering 1967 David Bowie artifacts to be photographed

Time and space

Children need recovery time, and space, and peace, if they've been schooled, before their curiosity and joy can return.

SandraDodd.com/deschooling/kids
photo by Sandra Dodd
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Make a loved one smile

Alex Polikowsky wrote:

He will not learn to be spoiled if he gets everything he wants—no one gets every little thing they want. But he will learn that his parents will try to give him everything he wants—if possible. He will learn about family budget and money and economics and most of all he will learn the joy of giving something that makes a loved one smile.

—Alex Polikowsky

SandraDodd.com/generosity
photo by Sandra Dodd, of a carousel in The Netherlands
Click it to see details.

Just discussing life, hanging out...

Nobody kept their kids home for 18 or 20 years just discussing life with them, hanging out, playing games.

We probably wouldn't be either, if it weren't that we're biding time until the clock runs out on compulsory education.

SandraDodd.com/context
photo by Sandra Dodd
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More than "not school"

There are aspects of learning and living that people forget about when they claim that a school can provide what unschooling provides.

SandraDodd.com/school/alternative
photo and "Barbie art" by Holly Dodd
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Stream of Shakespearean Consciousness

Instead of a quote, I'm going to list words and terms from a page called "One Thing Leads to Another, and some things are Shakespeare":

Buffy, Angel, Jeopardy, pizza, a priest, Asterix, Animaniacs, "Go Fish", hemlock, Harry Potter, Looney Tunes, Vishal Bhardwaj, The Reduced Shakespeare Company, The Simpsons and Star Trek.

There are happy Shakespeare stories from several families here:SandraDodd.com/strew/shakespeare
photo by Sandra Dodd
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Loud, happy homes

A loud, happy home is more peaceful than a quiet home where people are afraid to "disturb the peace."

SandraDodd.com/bignoisypeace
photo by Sandra Dodd
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Tied up in words

Thinking you "have to" do something keeps you from making a choice.

SandraDodd.com/wordswords
photo by Janine

Sets and patterns

In music, art, weather, foods, clothes, trees, games... there are patterns repeating and changing over time and space.

Whether it's the observation of a moment, or a collection made over many years, notice and enjoy as life carries you through.

---

The writing above isn't a quote, but here's a good follow-on:
SandraDodd.com/day/meme/caren
photo by Sandra Dodd
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Knuckles, the past and the future

Thirty days hath September,
All the rest I can't remember.
The calendar hangs on the wall;
Why bother me with this at all?

That's a rhyme that goes around, in protest of a longer and more complicated thing kids used to be pressed to memorize. Some of those kids are still alive, but the antique "hath" remains.


Times change, though. People don't flip through calendars on the wall so much as they ask Siri or Google, or look at the calendar on the iPad. Phones know what date it is, and what time zone you're in.


Go to this page to see how to calculate month lengths with your knuckles: SandraDodd.com/months
image by Andrew and Glenda Sikes
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Happily, with a purpose

Once when a new video game was to come out in three weeks or so, I overheard Marty and Kirby discussing at length and without any frustration all the different combinations of ownership and funding might be possible for them to put their allowance together and buy it. If Kirby contributed as much as Marty's allowance, they could be co-owners, but wouldn't have enough to get it the day it was released. Could Marty owe Kirby, and buy in up to 50% later? Should Marty just own a lesser percentage? I think they were 9 and 12 or so. It was complicated math, with all those percentages of increments of age times .75, but they were doing it, and just in their heads, and happily, with a purpose.

They didn't think to ask us for help. They didn't feel they needed to.



SandraDodd.com/money
photo by Sandra Dodd, of my kids playing Zoombinis,
not a Nintendo or Playstation game,
but their ages match the story above.

NOTE: I hope your family can afford more, but our kids got seventy-five cents per year of age, weekly. So in the example above, if they were 9 and 12, Marty was getting $6.75 and Kirby was getting $9.00. Console games were $50 or $60 in those days.

Concepts, experience and emotions

When you consider what a thing is or what it's like, you not only make connections with other concepts, but experiences and emotions. You will have connections reaching into the past and the future, connections related to sounds, smells, tastes and textures. The more you know about something, the more you can know, because there are more and more hooks to hang more information on—more dots to connect.

SandraDodd.com/connections
photo by Sandra Dodd
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Top of the list

Lori Odhner wrote:

If parents want to give the best to their child, including warm clothes and good health care, an intact family should be at the top of the list.

Many of the maladies that claim marriages are completely curable.

—Lori Odhner

SandraDodd.com/divorce
photo by Sandra Dodd, of a bed with mosquito netting, in Queensland
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Smooth and soft

Cass Kotrba wrote:

I am stunned, amazed and very grateful for the wisdom I have learned and continue to learn on this list.* It is amazing the impact it has had on all of our lives. And it has been surprising to experience how much our emotions impact our health. Even her skin, previously dry and bumpy, has improved. Radical unschooling has helped us be smooth and soft, inside and out.

—Cass Kotrba

* The Always Learning discussion is the list on which that appeared. The original is here.

SandraDodd.com/stress
photo by Cathy Koetsier

Improved selves

Part of becoming a good unschooling parent does involve self-reflection, a review of one's own childhood (gradually, in the background of one's new thoughts and plans) and some recovery from that, which is wonderfully aided by treating our children as we wish we might have been treated.

Parents, in order to have their children trust them, should become trustworthy.

SandraDodd.com/trust
photo by Janine

A limited time

The words of Kelly Lovejoy:

If you knew you only had a year more with that child, what would you expose him to? Where would you go? What would you eat? What would you watch? What would you do?
If you had only ONE year—and then it was all over, what would you do? Four seasons. Twelve months. 365 days.

Do that THIS year. And the next.

That's how unschooling works. By living life as if it were an adventure. As if you only had a limited amount of time with that child. Because that's the way it IS.

—Kelly Lovejoy

SandraDodd.com/doit
photo by Julie D

Commitment to optimism

Pam Sorooshian, in 2012 (pared down from the original):

Unschooling is a profoundly optimistic decision, and it involves a huge commitment to living a very optimistic life.

I think it is possible that THE most significant thing unschooling does is nurture optimism.

—Pam Sorooshian

SandraDodd.com/commitment
photo and quote reduction by Sandra Dodd
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Brilliant and effective

Karen James wrote:

I rarely (if ever) say to others, or even to myself, that I'm a Radical Unschooler. I do, however, tell any person interested that we find unschooling to be the best approach to learning in our home. For me, it's not about being something. It's about living in a way that best meets all of our needs. Radical unschooling meets all of our needs brilliantly and effectively. It's deep. It takes dedication and close attention to understand and put into practice well. The proof of how well it is working can be seen and felt in the nature of our days together.

—Karen James

SandraDodd.com/readalittle
photo by Sandra Dodd
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Curves and angles

Life, interests and knowledge change over time. What we and our children do and know and become is flowing along, and we can't save or even see it all.

SandraDodd.com/growth
photo by Sandra Dodd

Invest your attention

Sometimes I think of things I wish I had done or said, or I wish I had been more attentive or patient and sometimes I see in that very moment that I'm sitting there thinking about myself instead of getting up and going and being with my husband or kids. It's weird, and people who come to it new think "martyrdom!?" or self sacrifice, but it's not that. It's investment.

SandraDodd.com/being
(Thanks to Marta Venturini for quoting this, and reminding me of it.)
photo by Sandra Dodd
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Something to give your children

Children need choices and options.

SandraDodd.com/freerein
photo by Cathy Koetsier

Thinking and choosing

If you think of two things and choose the better one, then you've made a choice. If you act without thinking first, you have acted thoughtlessly.

SandraDodd.com/cairns
photo by Sandra Dodd
and it's upside-down, as they were hanging
in a gift shop in Kuranda

Attentive parenting

Pam Sorooshian wrote:

What we're advocating is paying very very close attention to our children—the opposite of what people usually think of as "permissive" parenting. This could be called "Attentive Parenting"—observe, learn all you can about your children, listen carefully to them, anticipate their wants and needs, strive to be their partner—their adult partner who knows a lot and has a lot of resources and is THERE for them. Help them be the best they can be.

—Pam Sorooshian

SandraDodd.com/attentiveparenting
photo by Rippy Dusseldorp Saran
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Universal connections

Remember that if your “unit study” is the universe, everything will tie in to everything else, so you don’t need to categorize or be methodical to increase your understanding of the world. Each bit is added wherever it sticks, and the more you’ve seen and wondered and discussed, the more places you have inside for new ideas to stick. A joyful attitude is your best tool.

SandraDodd.com/latenightlearning
photo by Sandra Dodd
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Fantasy gifts

From an article about coming-out parties for unschoolers:

What if you could give magical gifts? How about the ability to change bodies long enough to see the world as your children see it? Perhaps just a few doses of magic to make time stand still, just a little while. More time and space? Unlimited patience! Friendly neighbors. A perepetually well-running van in the mom's favorite color. Intuitive knowledge of child development would be a good gift for homeschoolers and all their friends, neighbors and relatives. If you figure out how to produce such gifts, please remember me after your friends have all they need.



Unschoolers' Coming-Out Parties: Wishlists for Unschoolers
photo by Bea Mantovani
The link above has lots of actual practical non-fantasy ideas, but it was written in 1999. If you read it, keep in mind an iPad, a Nexus tablet, or a Kindle. At the end of the 20th century, that would have been as far-fetched a fantasy as the list above, but many families own at least one—and they have music, logic puzzles, games, humor, books, movies and more!

So I will add one more link for today: Abundance

Joy helps learning

Joy helps learning.
Negativity poisons joy.
Pessimism and cynicism can prevent unschooling.

SandraDodd.com/failure
photo by Sandra Dodd
_Level Up_

History at your house

You could have a checklist scavenger hunt in your house. Do you have something from each decade of the past hundred years? I nominate this glass, from my stuff, for the 1960's, though it might be '50s.

You could look for things from different continents, at the same time. And things made of different materials—glass, stoneware, tile, wood, particular metals, bamboo or rattan, cardboard (other than a plain cardboard box), rubber (real rubber), vinyl, different types of cloth.

You could photograph them and make a blog post or a little scrapbook.

History in your hand
Normal or exotic?
The good stuff
like pulling a bouquet of flowers out of a wand
photo by Sandra Dodd
and here's the other side of it

Babies

What do babies want? They want to learn. They learn by touching and tasting and watching and listening. They learn to be gentle by people being gentle with them...

SandraDodd.com/babies/infants
photo by Sara Vaz
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Quietly at home

There are artists and writers who prefer a great deal of time alone. Even among those with kinesthetic intelligence, there are some who prefer hiking, climbing or skiing. There are those who practice sleight-of-hand and juggling for many hours alone. There are musicians who play a thousand hours in private for every hour they might share with others.

When such children are in school, they find ways to make themselves invisible if they can. The advantages of being home are abundant for those with such inclinations.


SandraDodd.com/being/home
photo by Lisa Jonick

Do more

If you think you haven't done enough for your children lately, do more.

Maintain and replenish
photo by Janine

Softer emotions

Ren wrote:

Anytime I feel resentment building up I try to look at the activity or situation in the light of death. If the one I loved were gone, cleaning up after them or reminding them of something for the thousandth time might seem endearing, rather than irritating.

—Ren Allen

SandraDodd.com/gratitude
photo by Sandra Dodd
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Unique knowledge

Carefully considered thought is pretty rare, but unschooling parents who watch their children learning for years have a lot of time to see some particular things that no one else—not even the other unschoolers—can see. In each family where these principles take hold, children do and say wonderful things that help the parents *know* (not just kind of think) that learning can happen without teaching or showing. They see that connections are being made that school would not, could not, have set up, when the parents back away from directing and instead provide experiences, materials and input.

SandraDodd.com/knowledge
photo by Sandra Dodd
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"Worthwhile" means...

Once someone wrote in an unschooling discussion: "I just have one concern. I want my children to finish what they start." I responded: If you start a book and decide you don't like it, will you finish it? If you start eating a dozen donuts, and after you're not in the mood for donuts anymore, will you finish the dozen? If you start an evening out with a guy and he irritates or frightens you, will you stay for five more hours to finish what you started? If you put a DVD in and it turns out to be Kevin Costner and you don't like Kevin Costner, will you finish it anyway? The only things that should be finished are those things that seem worthwhile to do.

Finish What you Start
photo by Chrissy Florence
"Worth"—worthy
"while"—time
The American Heritage Dictionary says it's an adjective meaning "Sufficiently valuable or important to be worth one's time, effort, or interest."

Real peace

Most moms who come around to tell more experienced moms about how terrible "violence" is haven't even tried to define that term in their own minds. They will say a cartoon is "violent," or a TV show is "violent." Their children are probably sitting safely on a warm couch in a house with a locked door. Think peaceful thoughts about imaginary violence.

SandraDodd.com/violence
photo by Rippy Dusseldorp

Find joy

If you practice noticing and experiencing joy, if you take a second out of each hour to find joy, your life improves with each remembrance of your new primary goal.

SandraDodd.com/joy
photo by Sandra Dodd
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Water play

Remember these moments, when simple things make the normal world magical.

Provide for the possibility of these moments.

SandraDodd.com/water
photo by Janine Davies
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Quick Install

Stop thinking schoolishly. Stop acting teacherishly. Stop talking about learning as though it’s separate from life.

SandraDodd.com/deschooling.html, which also has a guide to
Gradual Installation (necessary in most school-trained cases)
photo by Sandra Dodd

Connect, inspire, trust and help

"I learn every day how to have a better partnership with my children and spouse, how to connect, inspire, trust and help. And now that I have learned how to read without my emotions interpreting the emails for me, the message is consistently the same—be loving, gentle and sweet with your children, *be* with your children, live joyfully." —Rippy Dusseldorp referring to Always Learning

SandraDodd.com/feedback/rippy
photo by Sandra Dodd

Scary learning

Michelle Thedaker wrote:

I'm becoming more and more easily able to . . . ask myself, "What is my issue with this? How can I get past it?" and really open myself to a variety of answers. Scary? Yep. Worth it? Beyond yes!

—Michelle Thedaker

Read what I left out, and more: SandraDodd.com/scary
photo by Sandra Dodd
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Better than what?

When I write and speak about people trying to be better, some balk or resist, or say "You want us to try to be better than others?"

It's personal, not competitive.

This is the better I'm talking about:

Be better than you would have been if you had not thought "I would like to be better."

SandraDodd.com/being
photo by Sandra Dodd
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What if, what if, what if

When you don't know what to do, try not to do anything. Wait a bit.    Think. Breathe.       Smile.

SandraDodd.com/breathing
photo by Sandra Dodd

Be careful

Be careful. Be sweet.

That's from notes for a talk I gave once. If you want to hear me, go here:
SandraDodd.com/listen
photo by Sandra Dodd

No shoving, please

Set it out, don't try to shove it in.

That line is from small talk I gave once, to dads only. I was talking about logic—to draw it in, not to hit people with it. But "Set it out, don't try to shove it in" can apply to many things—food, interesting things, ideas, and to unschooling itself.

photo by Sandra Dodd

Remember "partnership"

Being patient and compassionate with a child who is sad or hungry or tired or maybe teething or frustrated with his friends is good. Feeling good makes you calmer and more confident. It will give you stores of calm and clarity so that you can remember that your spouse might be sad or hungry or tired, maybe aging, aching, or frustrated with his co-workers and friends.

If you have come to feel adversarial in any way toward your partner, remember "partnership." Help him or her follow interests or hobbies or to take care of collections, or to see a favorite TV show. Support his interests. Being nicer makes you a nicer person.
SandraDodd.com/betterpartner
photo by Joyce Fetteroll
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Let your child be your cause

Putting your child first while you unschool is important. When your kids grow up, you could dedicate the rest of your life to only wearing used clothes and not using electricity or charge cards or an automobile, but putting token environmental gestures first in your life causes your child to become a token environmental gesture. The environment is changed imperceptibly. His life, hugely.
SandraDodd.com/perspective
photo by Sandra Dodd

Own your own

If parents retain ownership of their children's learning, the children cannot learn on their own.

SandraDodd.com/parentalauthority
photo by Sandra Dodd

"Electric in my memory"

Karen Angstadt wrote:

"I saw SO MUCH MORE learning happen because I was watching so closely. It was like a big curtain was lifted that had been preventing me from seeing clearly. When I think back today about that moment, it feels like THAT was the real beginning of unschooling for me. It still feels electric in my memory—all the connections I made that day about learning and its value to the learner within the place and time it is learned. I am so grateful for Learn Nothing Day."

—Karen Angstadt

(Longer version here.)
photo by Sandra Dodd
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Self-awareness

Parents get pretty good at noticing when a child is tired, hungry or frustrated. It's important to see those things in yourself. Keep your family safe from your more dangerous moods and states. If you're too hungry or too tired to be kind and safe, ask for help. Or admit you're feeling stressed, and be more careful. Don't use your mood as an excuse to be harsh or dangerous. Learn to do what you need to do to stay in a workable, safe zone.

SandraDodd.com/mentalhealth
photo by Sandra Dodd