Better moments, days, and weeks

"Each and every moment is new. You can just try to make the very best choice in the next moment with your child. As the moments get better, so do the days and weeks. So all you need to do is make this moment the very best it can be. That's all."

—Ren Allen

The quote was provided by Eva Witzel. It goes well with SandraDodd.com/change.html
photo by Charles Lagacé

When it's working...

Don't expect to be perfect, but expect yourself to be improving all the time.

—Pam Sorooshian

SandraDodd.come/betterchoice/
photo by Colleen Prieto

As long and as far

They will trust you as long and as far as you are trustworthy.

SandraDodd.com/trust
photo by Sam Baykus

Open portals

When books are an obsession, it's considered a virtue. When mathematics is an obsession it's considered genius. When history is an obsession, that's scholarly.

When rock and roll is an obsession or folk art, or dance… maybe not as easily impressive to the outside world. But as all things are connected, let your child see the world from the portals that open to him, and don't press him to get in line at an entryway that doesn't sparkle and beckon.


from page 189 (or 218) of The Big Book, which links to SandraDodd.com/obsessions/feedpassions
photo by Lynda Raina
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Change one thing.

Change a moment. Change one touch, one word, one reaction. If you try to change your entire self so that next year will be better, you might become overwhelmed and discouraged and distraught.

Change one thing. Smile one sweet smile. Say one kind thing.

If that felt good, do it again. Rest. Watch. Listen. You're a parent because of your child. Your child. You should be his parent, or her parent. Not a generic parent, or a hypothetical parent. Be your child's parent in each moment that you interact with her.

SandraDodd.com/peace/becoming
photo by Jennie Gomes

Generous, thoughtful, considerate

Mary King Shawley wrote:

So I ask myself, what is my purpose? How do I want to be remembered? My purpose is to help my children grow and learn to be good humans and treat other people well.

—Mary King Shawley

Generous, thoughtful, considerate humans
photo by Janine Davies
(backup link to the article)

Where do you focus?

What you first see isn't all that's there. Different people notice different aspects. Don't be afraid of that. Explore it. Expect it! Enjoy it.

SandraDodd.com/theblindmenandtheelephant
photo by Rachel Singer

If you've wound them up...

With anything, if a family moves from rules (about food, freedoms, clocks, what to wear) to something new, there's going to be the backlash, and thinking of catapults (or trebuchets, more technically, or of a rubber band airplane, or other crank-it-up projectile vs ...) the more pressure that's built up, the further that kid is going to launch if you let it go all at once.

SandraDodd.com/gradualchange
photo by Ruqayya
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Full of joy

"We spend days and days watching TV, baking, doing origami, playing computer games, being silly, playing tag in the house, hide and seek. It's making me smile just writing it. It is so full of joy."

— Sarah Shields

Many other days of joy are here:
SandraDodd.com/typical
photo by Celeste Burke
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Don't be vigilant

Being "vigilant" sounds like absolutely exhausting effort. Relax. You do not "have to be vigilant." Especially not on yourself. That's you watching yourself. Way too much work. Let go of one of those selves. Relax inside the other one. Have a snooze. Don't be vigilant.

When you wake up, think. Am I glad to be here? Is this a good moment? If so, breathe and smile and touch your child gently. Be soft. Be grateful. Find abundance. Gently.

SandraDodd.com/battle
photo by Celeste Burke
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Flexibility and change

"Be prepared to be flexible and willing to change as your child gets older." —Emily Strength

SandraDodd.com/sleeping
photo by Janine

Happier. Sparklier.

An ever-improving understanding of unschooling will, incrementally and gradually, create a life in which the parent is HAPPY to have done better, been more interested and interesting. Where "more" is the goal. Happier. Sparklier.


SandraDodd.com/gratitude
photo by Eva Witsel
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Seeing what is

Sometimes a heavy thing can seem much lighter if you accept what is, instead of arguing with the air about what you think SHOULD have been. Be a light thing. Rise up.

SandraDodd.com/acceptance
photo by Sandra Dodd

Step up and see

The same life can be seen from many different angles.
The same situation can be seen while holding one's breath
and being furious,
or while seeing the alternatives
and finding ways to be grateful,
no matter how small,
because on one small bit of gratitude,
one can step up and see another one,
and another.

SandraDodd.com/gratitude
photo by Sukayna

Humor and learning

The connection between humor and learning is well known. Unexpected juxtaposition is the basis of a lot of humor, and even more learning. It can be physical, musical, verbal, mathematical, but basically what it means is that unexpected combinations or outcomes can be funny. There are funny chemistry experiments, plays on words, math tricks, embarrassingly amusing stories from history, and there are parodies of famous pieces or styles of art and music.

SandraDodd.com/playing
photo by Becky Sekeres
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Makes sense

When the parents are curious and can find joy in exploring and discussing common interesting things in the everyday world, unschooling can make a lot of sense very easily. Optimism and positive attitudes help. If the children's comfort and joy can be a high priority and the parents can see the value of letting even young children begin to make choices, by the time the kids are teens they'll have had a great deal of real-world experience in making thoughtful decisions.

Sandra Dodd in a 2009 interview
photo by Susan Gaissert

From the inside

Debbie Regan wrote:

From the outside, unschooling may look like no chores, no bedtimes, no education, no discipline, no structure, no limits, etc. But from the inside, it's about learning, relationships, living with real parameters, partnership, navigating turbulence, making connections, joy, curiosity, focus, enthusiasm, options, following trails, fun, growing understanding, opening doors...

—Debbie Regan

SandraDodd.com/priorities
photo by Ve Lacerda
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Support and accept

Jenny Cyphers wrote:

I really can't imagine villifying anything in their lives that they might find very exciting. Well, I can imagine it, so I guess that's why I don't do it.

—Jenny Cyphers

SandraDodd.com/negativity
photo by Susanna Waters
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Yourself and the world

People don't become really good at unschooling without changing the way they see themselves and the world.

To hear it: SandraDodd.com/radio
To read it: Living Unschooling
If you have the book Natural Born Learners, turn to page 199 for a longer version.
photo: Erika Ellis

All those people

To my children, I'm someone who's getting old who could hold them back (in a way). To me, though, I have all the stages my children have ever been. I still remember the babies, toddlers, "big kids" who could put their own shoes on. Big kids who learned to read and visited places without me, and big kids who went to jobs, and moved away.

The house is empty, but my heart is full of all those people.

A Series of Selves
photo by Isabelle Lent

Improving the flow

One of the nicest thing I do for my husband is to withhold criticism. I could (and used to, when we were younger) say too much, comment too much. Letting things go by lets peace and love flow in.

P.S. It works with children, too.

SandraDodd.com/betterpartner
or the same article in German: Bessere Partner werden
(though the quote is from a discussion)
photo by Sandra Dodd (it's a link)
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Advice

If you're going to unschool, do it wholeheartedly and happily.

If you're going to unschool, don't do it reluctantly. Don't do it resentfully.

(That advice works for just about everything.)

SandraDodd.com/attitude
photo by Murtaza Usman

Once upon a grocery list...

In a past year, Karen James to her son Ethan: I'm going to the store. Do you want anything special?

Ethan, after a pause: Yeah. Lettuce.

Karen: Lettuce?

Ethan: Yeah, lettuce...and other good snack food like that.

Karen: Okay.

SandraDodd.com/food
photo by Sandra Dodd, at an allotment garden in West Sussex
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Keep the world safe!

A child who can recite prime numbers or reel off the infinitesimal pieces of pi might not be able to wipe his own ass. What kind of gift is that for anyone? It's just a thing, like being able to pogo stick for an hour, or to learn all the dialog and songs in "Monty Python and the Holy Grail." It will neither save nor destroy the world.

Keep your child safe from pressure and labels. Have a happy life.

The first paragraph is from The Big Book of Unschooling
and I made the last part up just now.
Neither is on my website.

photo by Jasmine Baykus

Values

"Meredith Meredith" wrote:

If you value something, make it part of your life. If you value music, play music, listen to music, dance and sing. Invite the people you love to join you—maybe they will. If you value scientific thinking, think like a scientist. If you enjoy math, play with numbers and relationships. The catch is to live your own values without trying to foist them off on other people—because that's not a very good way of sharing what you love, and because personality matters. All your singing and dancing won't make your kids musicians if they're not so inclined—but they'll know a few things about music. If you push music at them, they may associate what they know with drudgery and unhappiness—and then you've failed and failed more utterly than if you never sang a note in their presence.

—Meredith Novak

Meredith
photo by Sandra Dodd, of Marty kid-art
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This moment

What can I do now to make this moment better? —Eva Witsel

SandraDodd.com/moment
photo by Sandra Dodd
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Slowly being

"Being there for and with the family" seems so simple and yet many parents miss out on it without even leaving the house. Maybe it's because of English. Maybe we think we're "being there with our family" just because we can hear them in the other room. There is a special kind of "being" and a thoughtful kind of "with" that are necessary for unschooling and mindful parenting to work.

SandraDodd.com/being
photo by Evelyn Torrales (Celeste Burke's mom)
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Problem solved!

Joyce wrote:

If we're creating an atmosphere of power struggle, the kids will fight back to win. If we're creating an atmosphere of problem solving, the kids will feel part of the solution rather than part of the problem.

—Joyce Fetteroll

SandraDodd.com/chores/shift
photo by Elise Lauterbach
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All kinds of things

"Homeschooled children who grow up in a stimulating and enriched environment surrounded by family and friends who are generally interested and interesting, will learn all kinds of things and repeatedly surprise you with what they know."

—Pam Sorooshian

SandraDodd.com/pam/howto
photo by Abby Davis
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Becoming, and being

Becoming the sort of person you hope your child will be, or that your child will respect, is more valuable than years of therapy. And it’s cheaper.

SandraDodd.com/being
photo by Rippy Dusseldorp
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Joy, gratitude, abundance and peace

I'm not interested in helping people battle or fight or struggle. I want to help them find joy, gratitude, abundance and peace.

Fighting a lack of peace isn't creating more peace.

SandraDodd.com/battle
photo by Chrissy Florence

Bounce, spring and fly

Keep your ideas bouncing in unpredictable directions! Let them spring and fly.

Rum Tum Tugger hooks up
photo by Lydia Koltai
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In peace, at home

Alex Polikowsky wrote:

Some people go to school, have Special Ed for many years, have labels and they still cannot do things they way they are "supposed to." Those will still carry all the harm from feeling less than, and broken. I would not want that for any child.

SandraDodd.com/labels
photo by Cathy Koetsier, of an old waterwheel, in France
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Never too late

Where learning is concerned, it's never too late and everything counts.

SandraDodd.com/persephonics
photo by Eva Witsel
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Life-in-progress

The structured homeschooling that involves buying a curriculum and teaching at the kitchen table on a schedule is not the control group the school system needed. Those who practice “school at home” serve to reinforce the school’s claims that they could do better if they had more teachers and better equipment. When a structured family has high test scores, the schools say “SEE? We could do that too if we had one teacher per three or four students.”. . . .
Scientifically speaking, my children are not a control group. They’re not isolated and kept purely away from school methods and messages. But what is unquestionable is that there are now thousands of children who are learning without formal teaching. They are learning from the world around them, from being with interesting and interested adults doing real work and real play. Instead of being put away with other children to prepare for life, they are joining life-in-progress right at birth, and never leaving “the real world.”

SandraDodd.com/thoughts
photo of Holly Dodd and Adam Daniel, by Adam's mom

Repeated, photo and all, from October 11, 2011. Holly is twenty-four years old now, and Adam is ten.
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Efficiency

It seems that once unschooling is going that it covers everything, and there are no wasted moments, or wasted thoughts.

but you don't have to take my word for it:
Shockingly efficient
photo by Sandra Dodd
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Directions

Priorities are what will help one decide whether this moment's next step should be to the left, or the right, forward, or back, or just to stand and wait.

SandraDodd.com/priorities
photo by Chrissy Florence

Getting there

You get to a place by physically getting there, by emotionally getting there, by mentally getting there.

SandraDodd.com/listen/transformations
photo by Rodrigo Mattioli

Be thankful

Karen James wrote:

Be thankful. Notice little things throughout the day that are simply good. The health of your children. The pattern on the soap bubbles in your kitchen sink. How perfect a favourite mug feels in your hand or looks on a shelf. A laugh. An easy moment. The breeze. The sunshine. A connection with a loved one. A touch in passing. A deep breath. A full moon. A cat purr. A hole-free sock.

—Karen James

SandraDodd.com/karenjames/deschooling
photo by Holly Dodd

Capable and loved

Schuyler wrote:

I am often struck by how much of an effective method unschooling is. Maybe effective isn't the right word, but it feels right, or apt. I don't know of any other approach to people that helps them to feel more themselves, more powerful, more generous, more capable, more loved. And what an outpouring you get in response. And I feel so much better as this parent than I did as the parent I used to be.

—Schuyler Waynforth

SandraDodd.com/substance
photo by Sukayna

Remodel your mind

Once upon a time a confident and experienced scholar went to the best Zen teacher he knew, to apply to be his student. The master offered tea, and he held out his cup. While the student recited his knowledge and cataloged his accomplishments to date, the master poured slowly. The bragging continued, and the pouring continued, until the student was getting a lapful of tea, and said, “My cup is full!” The master smiled and said, “Yes, it is. And until you empty yourself of what you think you know, you won’t be able to learn.”

Weird Al says it a different way in “Everything You Know is Wrong,” and Christians say “You must surrender yourself.” Before that Jesus said, “Unless you become as a little child…”

What it means in homeschooling terms is that as long as you think you can control and add to what you already know, it will be hard to come to unschooling. The more quickly you empty your cup and open yourself to new ideas uncritically, the sooner you will see natural learning blossom.



SandraDodd.com/deschooling
photo by Sandra Dodd, of paintings on glass by Hema Bharadwaj

Learning to listen

"Listen to your body" isn't the best description. There are ways to pay attention to bodily clues that our culture and language came to ignore and deny.



In response to someone talking about her children self regulating, I wrote:

"Self regulate" means to make a rule and then follow it yourself. They're not self regulating. They're making choices. It's different. It's better!

---

My friend Bela sent me the following story, which has a good description of mindful living:

One zen student said, "My teacher is the best. He can go days without eating."

The second said, "My teacher has so much self control, he can go days without sleep."

The third said, "My teacher is so wise that he eats when he's hungry and sleeps when he's tired."

My kids did that!
photo by Beth Lamb
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Plan B

Twice since the beginning of January, I've missed posting Just Add Light. I had a head cold, and it was snowy, and I stayed in bed long hours, at odd times. I'm sorry! I'm better.

As Plan B, I hope that any day you notice there was no post that you'll go to the blog and click the randomizer in the upper right. There are some great posts from years back. Odds are you'll find a good one!

Randomizer, upper right
(If you're on a phone, you could wait until tomorrow,
or get on a computer! The blog is prettier there.)
photo by Sandra Dodd
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Invisible weeds

Weeding out terminology we would prefer not to mean improves thinking.

A hundred times or more people have said "just semantics" and "stupid" about me saying "don't say teach," which I've been doing for years. Every time someone says "taught" or "teach" they can slip back into the whole school thing and be seeing the world through school-colored glasses. If they do what it takes, mentally and emotionally, to recast their reports and then their thoughts in terms of who *learned* something, then they can start to see the world in terms of learning.

SandraDodd.com/control
is where the quote came from
but the "Mindful of words" page
might be good to see.
photo by Sandra Dodd
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Tools and equipment

If you want to unschool, there's no curriculum to buy and you and your children will be discovering the secret passages and magical destinations without a schedule or a map.

To help you prepare for or strengthen your own heroic adventure, there are three tools you need, and a checklist of seven nest-building items for you to collect and protect.

Equip yourself with: confidence experience good examples Build your nest with food shelter love patience enthusiasm curiosity joy

SandraDodd.com/hsc/littletools
photo by Sandra Dodd
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Parallel play

When a family is used to being together most of the time, it's easy to accept that one person could be having thoughts or experiences that don't match anyone else's, and people can still be happy in the situation. In a game, or looking at a display, or climbing, different people's experiences are their own, and learning will be happening within and around you all.

Shared experiences are not identical experiences.

SandraDodd.com/playing
photo by Janelle Wrock
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Touch

When thinking of new things to do, consider the five senses—taste, touch, smell, sight, hearing. Not all people have all five, but try to do new and different things. There will be connections, and children will do unexpected things. Be flexible in your acceptance, when activities don't go the way you envisioned them. Home-made play dough can have texture, scent, color, and by trapping some air in there, you can probably get sound out of it. There are recipes online for edible versions, but there's a good recipe on the "Young Children" page, along with dozens of other ideas.

SandraDodd.com/youngchildren
photo by Julie Markovitz

Images

Digital cameras provide the best opportunity ever for children to take photos. Offer them your phone or camera sometimes, and let them look in new ways. (Neck straps or wrist straps can be good.) Save their photos for them, if you can. See what they see.

SandraDodd.com/focus
photo by Marin Holmes

Being mindful

Try to be a good unschooling parent, a generous freedom-nurturing parent, a parent providing a peaceful nest, a parent wanting to be each child's partner. Try to make your decisions in that light.

SandraDodd.com/mindfulness
The text above paraphrases something I wrote there.
photo by Brigita Usman (click to enlarge)
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Light, or joy

Several weeks ago, I requested photos that had "something to do with light, perhaps, or joy."

Thirty-four people sent at least two photos. Some sent more. Nearly a third of those had a similar photo—water play, usually in waves, near a shore.

I hadn't thought that there might be a predominant, iconic image of light and joy, but I think playing in water might be it!

The second most frequent theme was snuggling, or carrying another person. Sometimes it was parent and child, and other times siblings.

In third place for repeats was Lego!

Andrea Justice's set of five photos included a beach AND Lego!

You'll be seeing more of all of those over the next few months, and thank you all for letting us peek into the light and joy of your lives.

SandraDodd.com/joy
photo by Shannon Loucks
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