Nicer and kinder

"If someone can take a moment to consciously be nicer and kinder to their children, a shift can take place. The choice to be nicer removes the choice to be mean. That can become a habit." —Robin Bentley

SandraDodd.com/nicer
photo by Lydia Koltai

Moments of growth

Some moments seem more important than they are. Other moments are more important than they seem.

We can't guarantee or control much, in the world, so look for the good, and look for the growth.

A moment of peace and sweetness cannot be recreated. Perhaps new ones can be induced, though!

SandraDodd.com/gratitude
photo by Elaine Santana
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Dabble and Play

When kids are playing games, musical instruments, with toys—any sort of play—it's good to remember that there is a range from just looking at the game pieces, or seeing how an instrument feels or sounds, all the way to longterm obsession.

Nowhere along that continuum is parental pressure helpful. Because you can't be sure what they're thinking or learning, try not to be thrilled or critical about the way they're playing.

What's Happening? (the problem with expectations)
photo by Sophie Larcher

Fear can fade

New unschoolers are often afraid. They're afraid to keep doing what they're doing; they're afraid to change. Sometimes to calm someone I have said "It's not like moving to Mars. You will still live in the same house. You'll still be sitting in that same chair."

Something that allayed my fears when I had babies still works years later. When I'm fearful or worried, it helps to smell the top of my child's head. If you find a natural opportunity to hold or hug or bend over your child, inhale the scent of his head, slowly. Don't worry if it's an unbathed eleven year old. Just do it with love and gratitude, and you might find yourself in that moment, touching your child gently, remembering who you are and where you are.



To help people step past and rise above their fears: Overcoming Fear

Feel your thoughts

Read about why, and what others have seen.

Try it a little.

Don't expect her not to think you're crazy at first; wait a while.

Watch her reaction.

Feel your own thoughts.

Lay your fears out to dry in the air and sunshine.


Gradual Change
photo by Vlad Gurdiga

Being that tree

He just wouldn't have blossomed in his own natural way if I had tried to make him be some sort of tree he wasn't. Trees grow from their seed. Acorns grow oak trees. Apple seeds grow apple trees. And sometimes parents think that by some sort of pruning, and you know, shaping, that they can change who their child is. But that's not being a good parent any more than planting trees and then not watering them, or letting the cat scratch them up, or whatever, is being a good arborist.

It's good to give them what they need, but to try to change them by withholding or shaming doesn't work any better for a child than it does for a tree.

SandraDodd.com/interviews/extras
SandraDodd.com/being
photo by Ester Siroky
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Kinder, gentler ways

If a parent knows that she wants to be kinder, gentler, more positive, more nurturing, there are things that she can do—little changes she can make and decisions she can make—that lead her toward that, and "follow your heart" is not a good one.


When people say "Well, I just followed my heart," sometimes that didn't go to a really good place because they didn't have a picture of their child's feelings. Coming up with a plan to logically step, step, step-by-step away from the dark confusion of people's childhood memories, hidden ideas, frustrations, fears—stepping away from that into the light is a better thing to do. And eventually they may get so good at this 'being more positive' that it seems like they're following their heart. But it needs to be their new, improved, mindful heart.

SandraDodd.com/interviews/extras
photo by Vlad Gurdiga
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Practical and philosophical peace

I've learned to find peace, practically and philosophically.

I started to see my kids as humans learning important things in unique ways, and as people I wanted to be close to—instead of seeing them as little to-do lists for myself.

—Sarah Peshek

Building an Unschooling Nest
photo by Roya Dedeaux

Happy, calm and loving

"Don't bring all the scary, negative and dark stories from the internet into your home. It will make your home and your lives scary, negative and dark. The most important thing you can do for your children's health is to provide them with a happy, calm and loving home."

—Eva Witsel

SandraDodd.com/radiation
photo by Colleen Prieto
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Creating and protecting peace

Peace precedes learning.

Peace is a pre-requisite for unschooling to start working. It doesn't need to be constant peace (and won't be) but it needs to be increasing peace, and the attempt and intent to create and protect more peace.

Becoming the Parent You Want to Be
photo by Pushpa Ramachandran
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Natural patterns

There are patterns in nature. Things are naturally organized.

In humans, it's hard to tell "natural" from culture, language, tradition, institutions. Still, people grow naturally, and have instincts, and think and feel from inside. We learn things physically, and mentally.

Humans learn.

Children learn.

Natural Learning
photo by Cara Jones
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One more?

This is about love, and abundance, and trust-building. What would you pay, if you could buy love, abundance and trust?

If your kids ask for another one (potato, cookie, peanut butter sandwich) I think it's helpful if you just say "Sure!" and make another one, even if you don't think they'll finish it, even if you think they'll be too full or whatever. As long as they're not eating someone else's share (and even so, if the other person agrees), it's not a big deal. If they don't finish, save the leftover for someone else. If they do finish and they're "too full" that's how they'll learn their capacity (which will change anyway as they get older).


Moving Toward Less Control, Concerning Food
photo by Rachel Cooley Green

Score some peace!

When there will be one winner and one loser, between a parent and child, between a husband and wife, between best friends, then both lose.

Partnerships and Teams in the Family
photo by Alex Polikowsky

Create calm

Demonizing food creates a demon. Being calm creates more calm.

SandraDodd.com/foodproblems
photo by Sandra Dodd

Moonbeams

Some kids are afraid of the dark, but it's probably more likely that they're afraid to be alone in the dark.

Try not to leave them alone—emotionally, or physically.


SandraDodd.com/peace/
photo by Gail Higgins

Conversations—have good ones!

Conversations with a parent are natural learning fodder. Natural learning doesn’t happen in a vacuum or in isolation. Those things aren’t so natural. 😊

In my experience, unschooling parents are more likely to say too much than not enough.

Written in a discussion, as a follow-up to a post called "Moonrise"
photo by Kirby Dodd
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What I think

People are always asking me what I think. 🙂


I think if someone reads what's at Joyce's page, and mine, and if that seems true and useful, cool!

Those who read those things and think it's crazy, and can't begin to understand it, will miss out on a fantastic opportunity.

That's what I think.

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From a 2006 discussion of the range of, and differentiation of, radical unschooling
photo by Nina Haley

Comfort, patience

When it's easy to be calm and patient, anyone can do it.

The special service to a child, and the evidence of growth in a parent, is learning to be more calm, for the child's sake. The real patience is finding a way to quiet one's hurry, to slow down to a child's pace, for a while.




SandraDodd.com/patience
photo by Elaine Santana

Look closely

Look closely.

There are wonders at hand.

Look more closely
photo by Lydia Koltai

It depends

It's hard to explain unschooling, partly because the best answers are "it depends," followed by questions for the parents to consider while they're making their decisions.

It depends on time available, time of day, safety, resources, the effect on other people, need for food or rest, and other factors I can't think of right now. . . . .Getting unschooling is a process. There will be more to get once you're comfortable with the new understandings and behaviors.

SandraDodd.com/depends
photo by Janine Davies

May Flowers

An American riddle:

If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?

Ah, wait. It's one of those riddles that can only be spoken, and not written.

Well the answer is "Pilgrims," but if it were written the right way it would be "Mayflowers." There was only one ship called "The Mayflower," though, because that's why they were named, to tell them apart.

If you don't get that joke, that's okay. You probably know lots of jokes I wouldn't get, or that only work with a certain accent, or knowledge of local town names, or knowledge of two languages.

The more you know, the more jokes you can get!

To Get More Jokes or "Thinking and Learning and Bears"
photo by Janine Davies

Think of a scent

I like the way my hair conditioner smells. I don't know what scent it is, but I try to remember to take a deep breath with it in my hands.

Sometimes realtors recommend baking cookies before a prospective buyer is coming to view the house.

I don't know what bluebells smell like, but I do have lilacs blooming in my yard this week.

Breathing will calm you down, and help center you.
Breathing in a lovely scent might calm and help transport you.

The scent of life
photo by Janine Davies

Loving actions

Robyn C. wrote about some things you might consider doing if a child is having more emotions than she can handle, and shared this discovery:

"Choosing these loving actions helps my anger (at whatever level) to melt away also. The immediate result is a mother who is thinking clearly and logically, and so able to make better decisions."

—Robyn Coburn

Mothering during a Melt-Down
photo by Janine Davies

'Tis not the season

I'm posting a photo of blueberries. You may or may not live where blueberries grow. It may or may not be time to pick blueberries where you live.

Some people don't even like blueberries. Others might be gathering them to dye yarn, or cloth, or their hair.

Try to live so that you can be calm and happy with all of that.

Praceice acceptance
photo by Lydia Koltai

The whole language

Because phonics treats written English as a simple code when it is not, many children are frustrated very early on.

Whole language involves language as communication, rather than separate parts (writing/reading/spelling). First language; details later.

With unschooling, children will learn from the language you use and they use, from the words they see around them, from using games and computers, from signing greeting cards or playing with words. There's no need for any school-style structure at all. For those who have worried about phonics and reading and spelling, please don't press that on your children.



Play with words
photo by Caroline Lieber

Something else

About "un," the term came out in the season of 7-Up, the Uncola. Commercials, billboards, cute campaign, not a big deal. So as 7-Up wasn't a cola, unschooling was something other than schooling.


from a 2003 discussion, lately discovered
photo by Elizabeth Anne
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Admirable and attractive

Perspectives do change, if people want to learn.

Different perspectives will affect what you respect, too. What is admirable, that you want to head toward? What is attractive, and pulls you nearer? What is disturbing or embarrassing, that you want to step away from?

The origin of that, or a link to
Getting warm
or to other posts on perspective
photo by Karen James

Sunrise and family

Those who went to school (and that's over 99% of those reading this) have based half their lives, give or take a decade, on school's rhythm and labels and categorizations. When things like "the school year" are as much a part of a culture as "family" and "sunrise," it's a radical departure to consider that maybe one of those three is unnatural. For many people, it disturbs the fabric of their lives. Some people's life-fabric is already kind of rumply, or they hated school and are glad to consider alternatives, but for those orderly folks who have life all neatly arranged in their heads, who do more accepting than questioning, unschooling is a disturbing thing.

SandraDodd.com/interview
photo by Sandra Dodd

Better memories

What SHOULD I be doing as an unschooling parent?

• More.
  
• Better than school
  
• Making memories

Joy and optimism!
(There are comments there, too,
and a link to the notes from which both quotes came.)

photo by Linda Malchor

The greatest strides

Leah Rose wrote:I have made the greatest strides in my own deschooling by learning to notice when I feel myself "struggling," and to Stop! Then I can choose to let go, to relax about the disparity between what I want and what is. And what I have discovered is that that conscious mental shift releases the energy I need to step forward mindfully into the moment...and then that moment becomes, itself, a step towards what I want, away from what I don't want.

—Leah Rose

SandraDodd.com/battle
photo by Ester Siroky

Secret surprises

That flower is unfamiliar to me. Caroline, in Queensland, sent the photo. I hope if you click it, you'll see a larger image. There's a sort of bloom coming out of the flower. There's a bug. But look up and to the right, behind it. A windmill.

There will be unexpected things, in life. Some are sweet and good. Be open to seeing them!

Something Surprising
photo by Caroline Lieber
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Just the next one

Pam Sorooshian wrote:

Stop thinking about changing "for good and not just for days or moments." That is just another thing to overwhelm you and you don't need that! Just change the next interaction you have with the kids. —Pam Sorooshian

Becoming the Parent You Want to Be
photo by Sandra Dodd

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New, April 2020:

The writing from which the quote above was taken has been translated into French, by Valentine Destrade: Une interaction à la fois.

(backup)

Happier and more peaceful

There are MANY people who came to unschooling and honestly tried to consider the ideas, and they tried the suggestions, and their families started becoming happier and more peaceful. And many have reported that as their children began to relax and love their lives, that the parents begin to rethink all KINDS of things they believed were true.

Unless people are willing to try it, they can't understand it or believe it. Lots of people every day share how they got from one point to another, with lots of practical suggestions and reassurances.



Emotion vs Intellect, from Unschooling Discussion, in 2003
photo by Sandra Dodd

Deep down, and wide, and high

If you're sure someone else taught you to read, you'll be waiting for someone else to teach you to do other things. If you KNOW you learned to read on your own, you'll know deep down and wide and high that you can learn other things too.

from an old topic called "Lazy or realistic"
photo by Chris Sanders
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How you view life

"Unschooling is a way of viewing life as filled with choices, not 'have to's'."

—Pam Sorooshian

Find your options
photo by Rosie Dawn Todd

Safe explorations

In unschooling families it's simple: we help our kids explore what interests them in ways that are safe.

—Joyce Fetteroll

Logic and Parenting
photo by Ida Marie Stenild Coltau

Generosity, good will and good humor

About kids not helping with chores, in 2004 (are kids still that way!?):

I wrote:

If you're not really generous with them, they won't be likely to be really generous with you.

That mom responded:

I know this is true, but a lot of times it feels like I'm expected to have an unending supply of generosity, goodwill and good humor.

Me/Sandra:

I think that should be your goal. If you're willing to not have help, then any help you have is more likely to be seen as a gift instead of not enough.

Joyce Fetteroll:

If our children help, we should treat it as a generous gift. (And the more we treat it as a generous gift, the more often they're likely to give.)

I like the set of parental gifts that mom came up with. If you are a parent, try to generate and maintain a generous supply of good will and good humor.

The original question and discussion,
and part 2 and then 3, if that's fun
photo by Jo Fielding
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Honest, attentive and reliable

Quote & reply quote:

Trust is a more useful word. Over time, kids develop a sense of whether or not parents are trustworthy sources of information and assistance."

—Meredith Meredith

"Good point. And very often, parents 'demand respect' without any idea that they need to earn it. For a child to trust a parent, the parent needs to be worthy of trust—trustworthy. Trustable. Then after many years of being honest and attentive and reliable, the children will respect them. Because they're respectable."

—Sandra Dodd

The originals are here, a few comments down, in a brief, good discussion on facebook. De Flowers saved and shared the part above in 2014.
photo by Tessa Onderwater
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Help children smile

If something makes you feel safer, that's fair. It might be a song, a joke, a thought, a special t-shirt, comfort food, or a nightlight.

Even imagined safety or magical safety is better than fear, on an emotional level.

Help children smile.

photo by Sandra Dodd, of art by then-young Sophie McNeill,
in her third-floor bedroom in Baud, in France, when I stayed there

[It says "Life Bowt" (boat).]