Seeing and enjoying children

Katherine (Katherand2003) wrote:

To see children through school eyes is like continually longing for a fish to climb a tree. It's a view that insists on an improbable future or that looks mostly for a child's potential, perhaps never able to enjoy the present moment.

To see children as they are is to have the capability to enjoy them now. Without that view, I think unschooling is hard or impossible.

—Katherine

SandraDodd.com/normal
photo by Colleen Prieto

Courage (and real encouragement)

Changing and learning to be unschooling parents is a slow and gradual business, and there might be people trying to discourage you.

I saved these actual public comments; I hope you've never had any aimed at you.

• Some people take unschooling much too seriously.


• There really is no good definition of unschooling, you know.


• Whatever unschooling is for you, that's unschooling!


• Don't listen to those unschoolers.

There are many more, mostly of the "You are an amazing mom!" sort, at What support is and isn't. Don't read too much there. 🙂

If you're not feeling confident and would like some encouraging suggestions, maybe poke around this blog and follow some links to real encouragement and good ideas.

Click "view online" from an e-mail, to get to the randomizer. From phones, the randomizer is below; on computers, it's up to the right.

SandraDodd.com/help
photo by Holly Dodd

Games, toys, museums, trips, books...

I cringe when I hear/read/see a mom thinking unschooling will take less effort and cost less than having children in public school. Anyone unschooling to save time and money is going the wrong direction. It might cost less in absolutely-required expenditure compared to buying a curriculum or paying private school tuition, and most unschoolers I know are content with plain or used or funky clothes (compared to school uniforms or required fashions and name brand things that might get stolen or lost at school). But if parents don't want to spend ANY money on games, toys, museums, out-of-town trips, books, whatever it is the kids might be interested in, then I think that's not the best the parents could do as unschoolers.

SandraDodd.com/nest
photo by Cátia Maciel

Breathe to think

Rachel S:

The hardest part for me is catching yourself in the moment and being aware enough to make the better choice that aligns with where you want to be. Luckily we have multiple opportunities daily to do so.😊

Sandra D:

If you didn't "catch yourself," that was one of those "acted thoughtlessly" moments.

Because you switched from "me" to "yourself/you," and talked about "catching yourself," I think you're seeing it as an outside influence—part of you is catching the other part of you. That's too much work and worry!

What helped me, when I had babies, was breathing before I spoke or before I decided, and eventually, taking a breath when I felt my thoughts get zippy-fast. I didn't always do it, but increasingly, many times a day, I did. Before long it was most of the time. That was growth. That was good.

Rachel S:

Yes I have started to try and stop and breath. It seems so foreign at times like I have to fill the space with something! The knee jerk conditioning is so strong at times but as you say it takes practice and eventually a new path will be laid. Thank you for replying. It has given me insight.

(original, in the comments at "Growth is good")
SandraDodd.com/breathing
photo by Nina Haley

Growth is good, and possible

The idea that people learn from making choices, and that practice with small choices will help people make larger choices is a principle.

The idea that one can't make a choice without considering two or more options isn't a principle. It's a logical fact. 🙂

The idea that choices can lead a person nearer to the way she wants to be might be the principle that growth is good and growth is possible.

—Sandra Dodd
(original, on facebook)

SandraDodd.com/choice
photo by Sandra Dodd
(backyard, in the fan)

Choosing, many times

Note from a discussion in February 2012:

"I totally understand the idea behind radical unschooling, that children will self regulate...."

It surprises me every time someone assures others that they COMPLETELY and absolutely understand that... and then make a statement that came from somewhere else. "Self-regulate" means "eventually do what the mom wanted, spontaneously," sometimes, and other times means that the child will begin to have "self control" and tell himself no. A lot.

It's much clearer to think of a child having choices, and making what seems like the best one, many times a day; many times an hour, sometimes. A kid surrounded by cows and mesquite might not want to go out there, again, just to go. A kid who lives in a cornfield isn't likely to run excitedly out to see that... again.

Marty's off at a park in armor, where he's gone most Sundays for five or six years (and half the Sundays of his life before that). Holly was out and about most of yesterday. They chose to be out. They weren't out because their mom told them it was better than a Wii.

—Sandra Dodd

SandraDodd.com/self-regulation
photo by Sandra Dodd, of Bardolf (Marty)

The red belt in the photo meant he was a squire. Now his belt is white (for knighthood), and he has been Baron of al-Barran, King of the Outlands, and Prince of Oertha. That will mean something or nothing, depending who's reading; that's fine.

"Self-regulation" (I object)

Sometime between 1795 and 1811, Jane Austen wrote (in Sense and Sensibility):

Elinor's security sunk but her self-command did not sink with it.

It's about the character masking her emotions and responses, when another young woman was trying to make her jealous.

I wanted to add "self-command" to the list, which was up to now

• self-regulation
• self-control
• self-discipline

None of those are as helpful as learning to make the better choice.

---

Another outside quote:

Because “self-regulation” sounds modern, therapeutic, and enlightened, it can obscure the lingering assumption that the child should eventually internalize adult priorities.

—ChatGPT, 5/14/25
🙂

SandraDodd.com/self-regulation
photo by Sandra Dodd

First day of school

Concerning Kirby Dodd and driver's ed, twenty+ years ago:

Finally, when he went, he was nearly seventeen. That was his first day of school, ever. He took an apple and gave it to the teacher saying, "I've never been to school before; I understand this is what people do."

On that first day there was a pre-test with a question booklet and a separate answer sheet. Kirby was circling the letter and then writing out the right answer.

When the teacher asked if everyone was through, Kirby had three more left and said he was still writing. The teacher said "writing?" So Kirby's only problem with driver's ed was his total unfamiliarity with the traditions involved with test-taking. He got seven out of ten. He missed one about hydroplaning, which he said wasn't worded well to get the answer they wanted. I doubt that many of the other kids were analyzing the construction of the test questions.

SandraDodd.com/driversed
photo by Sandra Dodd
(previously used with other text)

Playing as a game

I'm living without a piano these days, but this was true for years, mostly with Clementi, or Bach:

I have said that I play the piano like playing a video game. But what that means for me is that sometimes when I'm passing by the piano, I'll sit down with a piece of music I know fairly well and play it "until I die," which is the third mistake, just to see how far I can get. Or I'll play something harder and go until I'm just stuck, maybe go through that hard passage a few times, take a running leap at it, see how it goes, and then go back to doing whatever I was doing before. Laundry or whatever it was.

When I do that it feels like a timer, and a challenge, and a goof. It's an investment in keeping my fingers operational without "an hour of practice" or any of those thoughts. It's playing with the piano, more than playing the piano. It's a game. I don't have to.

—Sandra Dodd

SandraDodd.com/force
Image is the cover of a thin music book, published by Schirmer, 1967.

Healing selves

It will help you heal from your childhood, to be a good mother. Seeing your own child's bright eyes when you do something sweet can heal the child inside you who would have loved to have had someone do that to, for, with her, years ago.

SandraDodd.com/healing
photo by Rodrigo Mattioli

More careful than "authentic"

Once upon a time in 2007, I was responding to a mom who was being dismissive (of her children) and defensive (of the discussion):

---

She:

I think that because of the tool we are using here to communicate that something is lost in translation.

I:

Don't try to use a saw as a hammer.

The tool we're using here can be used very well, but it takes thought and practice. No one is preventing reflection and proofreading. It's fine (and would be good) for you to hold a post and edit it carefully. Those who choose not to shouldn't complain about reactions.

She:

As powerful as words can be, the right attitude and heart behind the mistake can change how the words were perceived.

I:

Words can harm children forever. You're very unlikely to traumatize any of the moms reading here, but we can help you learn not to traumatize your children, and to think and write more clearly, if you want.

She:

Sandra also said, "Watch your thoughts, because without doing that you can't really learn to choose better reactions."
I agree with this in part.

I:

IN PART?

SandraDodd.com/authentic
photo by Rosie Moon

Living by principles

If people are living by rules, it's nearly impossible to tell what it would look like to live by principles.

Once one is living by principles, it's nearly impossible to make a move that's contrary to those principles. It doesn't happen overnight, but it's much different than just changing from one set of rules to another.

from an Unschooling Discussion post at googlegroups, November 2007
photo by Jihong Tang

Tools and opportunity

Robyn Coburn wrote:

I remember the first time I watched six-month-old Jayn solve a problem creatively using logic. I had placed a variety of cards around her field of vision on her blanket on the ground as she lay on her belly. One card was partially hidden behind a teddy bear. She gazed for a while. Then she slowly stretched her arm out, picked up the offending bear, and placed it aside. She then reached to the limit of her fingertips to grasp the desired card. Two weeks later she worked out that she could get the donut rings off their stander by tilting it. All the encouragement she needed was the tools and no one doing it for her.

—Robyn Coburn

SandraDodd.com/robyn/creativity
photo by Sandra Dodd, of Kirby—
different six-month-old,
different bear

A new kind of change

Joyce Fetteroll wrote:

Unschooling is *much* harder than school at home because it takes a great deal of self examination and change in ourselves to help our kids and not get in their way!

—Joyce Fetteroll

SandraDodd.com/math/phobia
photo by Christine Milne

A puzzle to play with

Linda Wyatt wrote:

Algebra is the art of taking the information you have, the things you know, and using that to figure out the information you don't have, that you need to know. It's a puzzle. That's all. You "expose" kids to it by doing it, by playing with it freely and uninhibitedly. By finding things fascinating and wanting to figure out what you don't know. By experimenting. By needing it.

—Linda Wyatt

SandraDodd.com/math/
photo by Shonna Morgan

Experiences and conversations

Pam Sorooshian wrote:

Unschooling is not leaving kids to their own devices until they show an interest in learning a given subject.

Unschoolers do not expect interests to arise out of nothing.

As an unschooling parent I offer ideas, information, activities, starting points, and material to my children as opportune moments arise, not out of nothing, but out of the experiences that are created by mindful living in the world—walking in the woods, visiting museums, watching movies, reading books, going to the theater, swimming in the ocean. Every moment in life offers opportunities for learning and investigation.

We went to the Rose Parade and my 12 yo daughter wondered aloud why it doesn't smell like roses even when you're right up close to the floats. There was a great opportunity to talk about plants being grown for various purposes—and how that is done—tomatoes raised for transportability rather than taste, flowers for longlastingness rather than aroma.

—Pam Sorooshian

SandraDodd.com/pam/learningworld
photo by Catherine Forest

Other options

Glenda/wtexans wrote:

If the dishes piling up is a bone of contention for you, what can you do to ease that? Maybe use disposable plates, utensils, and cups. Have more one-pot meals. Consider no-cook / low-cook options: sandwiches; hot dogs (the weiners can be grilled outdoors or broiled indoors on foil); crackers + cheese + fruit; cereal + fruit/juice + boiled eggs (you can boil a bunch one day then stash them in the fridge to grab as needed throughout the week) + heat-n-serve bacon; etc.

—Glenda/wtexans

SandraDodd.com/dishes
photo by Sandra Dodd, yesterday

Fun coincidences

One day in 2019, a page came up that had a photo taken where I was sitting. A couple of the chairs were still there.

Keith and I aren't in that house anymore; Kirby and his girls use that table for art projects, mostly.

I hope something will show itself beautifully or humorously or sweetly to you today. Look for it!

Gratitude for Everyday Things
photo by Sandra Dodd (both of them)
SandraDodd.com/smalljoys

Dark corners, lit up

"Don't let fear and worry drive your decisions and interactions with your kids, though. If you focus on joy and partnership, dark corners won't seem dark. You and your kids will be able to illuminate them together through open dialogue and trust."

—Jo Isaac

SandraDodd.com/partners/child
photo by Erika Ellis

Three little things

Today, three times, do something a little bit better.


Are you cutting an apple? Slow down and do something unexpected, something artsy. There might be an animal outside (or inside) you could offer the scraps to.

If you're asked to help someone, add a sweet gesture or a kinder word.

If you succeed and it helps, do it again tomorrow.

Uplift
photo by Amber Ivey

Food, friendship and protection

When a mother lives with a thought like "These kids owe me…" it's unlikely that she will get very far toward generosity with her time and energy....

With my children I turned it right around. They didn't ask to be born. I was the one who wanted children. I invited them here by my actions and decisions. I owe them. I owe them food and friendship and protection. I owe them comfort if I can arrange it. I owe them the best of me, and to help nurture the best of them.

SandraDodd.com/serviceGift
photo by Kes Morgan-Davies
(Janine's younger son—not recently.
The figures represent me and my kids;
Kes had met Holly.)