Providing entertainment

In response to: How did you get comfortable with not racing around and "providing" entertainment for your children? I wrote, in 2002: Gradually! I still provide entertainment for my children (and they provide things for the rest of the family too, because (shhh...) they think that's just how people in families are! They don't associate it with unschooling directly.

2013 Original with notes, from then
photo by Marty Dodd

Strewing

Strewing:

Literally, scattering something out, like rose petals or herbs or straw on a medieval floor.

Figuratively, leaving interesting things out where they will be discovered.
SandraDodd.com/terminology
photo by Sandra Dodd, of Australian things Schuyler saved to show me
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Obviously

The sign probably pointed toward a trail to the waterfall, but a different perspective can make humor, beauty, profundity, or a mess.

Be careful to consider other angles, and don't believe everything you read.

SandraDodd.com/angles
photo by Gail Higgins
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Hello?

We don't know, when we meet a person, whether we'll see them again, at all, a little, a lot.

We can't always know, when we have a wish, whether its fulfillment would be good for others or ourselves.

Probaby the best thing to do is to relax and say "Hello!"

SandraDodd.com/patience
(These words aren't there, but others are.)
photo by Janine Davies

Curiosity, exploration, acceptance

What cannot bend can break, so ease up on solid knowledge, in favor of curiosity, exploration, acceptance—all the things that create a learning environment.
original, on facebook, about food restrictions

SandraDodd.com/curiosity
photo by EsterSiroky

FACT

For building a good relationship, relax about what you think you know. Part of deschooling is reviewing how we learned what we know, and how legitimate that knowledge is.

SandraDodd.com/facts
photo by Jo Isaac


Just for fun, the story of a time when arguing facts was a Bad Idea.

Faith and trust

Many times parents have created a situation in which a child trusts advertising, or trusts strangers. Sometimes, it comes from the mom being so pushy that the child wants to push back. Other times, it comes from the moms being so definite and inflexible, that when one thing she said proves not to have been true, the child loses faith in other things she says.

original, on facebook, about food restrictions

SandraDodd.com/trust
photo by Janine Davies

Clear good sense

A mom wrote:

My children (11 and 7) have eaten more sweets than if I had controlled and restricted them, but our relationship wouldn't have been as sweet, and they would have had stress and longing, sneaking and guilt, and none of that would have been healthy. They wouldn't have had a good sense of what they feel like eating, and what they don't. Those internal senses don't come through clearly, when you're pressured and shamed and stressed.

—Cathy Choo
(in a comment here)

Similar: SandraDodd.com/eating/choices
photo by Sandra Kardaras-Flick

The clock isn't hungry

Perhaps "eating by the clock" has roots in European manor houses filled with servants, where the lady of the house got to choose the times of meals (within the narrow window of what was considered right and proper). In more modern times, eating by the clock has to do with factory lunch breaks and with school bells.

Don't be the clock's mother. Don't watch the clock to see if it's time to eat. Watch your child. Or watch the clock to see if it's time to offer another snack, but don't let the clock say "not yet" or "Must EAT!"

It isn't good parenting or self control for an adult who has reproduced to be looking to a mechanical device to make decisions for her. Clocks are great for meeting people at a certain time, but they were never intended to be an oracle by which mothers would decide whether to pay attention to a child or not. Your child knows whether he's hungry. You don't. The clock doesn't either, never did, and never will.

from page 163 of The Big Book of Unschooling (page 182 of newer editions)
photo by Sandra Dodd

Peaceful and stable

Jen Keefe wrote:

Every day my husband and I understand better how to create an environment so that our kids can learn. This involves making our home more peaceful and stable, making sure our kids have food, water, comfortable clothes, and good places to sit, work and sleep. It involves paying attention so that we can find resources to offer to support whatever thing they are currently learning about. It requires that they feel safe, respected, valued, appreciated, and loved.

—Jen Keefe

Jen, on facebook
(If you don't have facebook, look at Building an Unschooling Nest, maybe.)
photo by Renee Cabatic
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Life itself

Amy Milstein wrote:

What is Sandra's message? If I were going to sum it up, I would say it is that life itself always presents opportunities for learning, but that often we miss it, or dismiss it.

—Amy Milstein,
years ago,
on her blog

SandraDodd.com/feedback
photo by Becky Sekeres

People are different

Julie Daniel wrote:

One of the things that I really liked about the home education group was that the children were all different ages so Adam never realised that he was unusual in being able to read so early. Of course he knew that some children at the group could read and that some couldn't but in his mind that was just part of the concept that everyone is different — some children could run really fast and some were slow. Some children could go all the way across the monkey bars without letting go and some couldn't. Reading was like that. Some could, some couldn't. He didn't seem to notice until he was quite a lot older that he was an "early reader". And I liked that. It wouldn't have been possible in a school environment.

—Julie Daniel

The lead-up to that is here: SandraDodd.com/julie
photo by Sandra Dodd

Be the calming comfort

Sometimes life is spooky and frightening. Sometimes children are afraid.

Be the comforting, safe partner. Don't be another source of spooky discomfort.

Practice being braver and calmer so that when life is scary you have enough courage and confidence to share.

SandraDodd.com/nest/
photo by Karen James
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Step by step

Schuyler wrote:

I can almost pinpoint the minute when I turned from feeling a need to have my own needs met in a separate but equal kind of way to seeing how being with Simon and Linnaea was meeting my needs in the most involved and deep way....

For me, it was very clearly incremental, it was a step by step building from small changes to a point where I was in a position to find personal fulfilment in being with my children. It wasn't martyrdom, or it didn't feel as though I'd sacrificed myself for their joy. It did help to get the almost kinetic memory of being kind to them, of meeting them where they were instead of expecting them to meet me where I was.

—Schuyler Waynforth

Read more; it's good: SandraDodd.com/needs
photo by Sandra Dodd
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A memorable thing

We can't remember everything we see, or hear or do. Sometimes for one person, for some reason, something can become the sort of memory that visits happy dreams.


Memories
photo by Nicole Kenyon
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Ideas, pulled in

Joyce Fetteroll wrote:

Teaching is pouring knowledge over a child. Whether a child takes it in is not in the teacher's power. Which is why teachers punish and reward to make not taking in an idea less pleasant.

Learning is a child pulling in ideas. Those ideas are most full of life when those ideas connect to other ideas the child is fascinated by. It makes no difference if those ideas connect along a particular path. Which is why natural learning looks so chaotic and meandering compared to school.

It makes it hard to create an environment for a child to explore freely and pull in what fascinates them when someone is unschooling through a fog of TEACH.

—Joyce Fetteroll

SandraDodd.com/teaching/problem
photo by Amber Ivey

Pause it!

I remember having younger video-game playing kids, and asking "Does this game pause?" Or one of them, knowing which were "pausable," would just demand of a sibling "Pause it!", if there was a reason to interact, a question to ask, or something to say.

With my own thoughts and actions, it's good to know when I can "pause it" if someone needs me.


SandraDodd.com/being

photo by Crystal, Sorscha's mom, a dozen years ago,
for If you give a cat a Nintendo...,
a tongue-in-cheek directory page

Stillness

One breath,
one pause,
one gaze...

A moment of stillness can make the next word or action more valuable.

Calm and quiet
photo by Gail Higgins

Invest in your future grandchildren

Every negative word, thought or deed takes peace and positivity out of your account. Cynicism, sarcasm—which some people enjoy and defend—are costly, if your goal is peace.

Biochemically / emotionally (those two are separate in language, but physically they are the same), calmer is healthier. I don't know of any physical condition that is made better by freaking out or crying hard or losing sleep or reciting fears. I know LOTS of things that are made better—entire lives, and lives of grandchildren not yet born—by thoughtful, mindful clarity.

It's okay for mothers to be calm. There are plenty of childless people to flip out. Peek out every few days, from your calm place, and check whether their ranting freak-out is making the world a more peaceful place. If not, be grateful you weren't out there ignoring (or frightening) your children helping them fail to create peace from chaos.

A message to your grandchildren
photo by Jo Isaac

Deposit the good stuff

When people ask about being happier and more positive, the answer can't help but be the same. BE happier. BE positive.

But as with any accounting (think a bank account), withdrawals deplete your reserves. Every negative word, thought or deed takes peace and positivity out of your account. Cynicism, sarcasm—which some people enjoy and defend—are costly, if your goal is peace.


SandraDodd.com/negativity (which is really about positivity)
photo by Janine

Positively happier

When people ask about being happier and more positive, the answer can't help but be the same. BE happier. BE positive.

More positive
photo by Karen James, "the last sunset of 2018"

Hope and mystery

A new year comes with hope and mystery.

Hope and mystery, with good humor and curiosity, warmed in your heart and kept safe, might become wonder.

Relax into wonder
photo by Sandra Dodd, of ice on a chain, and a cat, near the gas meter, in my side yard.
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Different window, different view

Different window, different view.

Don't forget to look.
Quietly, just look
photo by Janine Davies

Siblings

Though it cannot be guaranteed, one unexpected benefit of unschooling and of parenting peacefully seems to be that children get along better with siblings.

SandraDodd.com/siblingpeace
photo by Roya Dedeaux

Doing well, and doing good

Deb Lewis wrote this. Who is she talking about?

They work together, plan and organize. It might inspire thoughts about the usefulness of cooperation.

They handle tough situations with humor. That might inspire someone to think about the value of a happy and positive attitude.

They help people who need help.
The people who need help ask for it.
These are good things.

—Deb Lewis

SandraDodd.com/t/cartoons
photo by Holly Dodd—"Three Round Things"

Words where they live

What writing needs is a large range of things that begin and expand outside of and away from "paper" or writing of any sort. A familiarity with the range of the language, of voice and tone (without knowing those words, it's easy), of funny words, scary words, plain and fancy words. That comes from listening to comedy, watching award-winning films, and YouTube videos, reading (or hearing someone read) comics, artsy menus, advertisements, legal notices, warning signs, brass plaques on government buildings. Tweets. Posts on yahoogroups or facebook. Post cards. Business letters and birthday cards.




SandraDodd.com/writing/seeing
photo by Sandra Dodd (for this post, of things I could see and reach without getting up)

Clearly

Writing is thinking clearly. For unschoolers writing will be helped by a kid having the confidence that if someone asks him about a movie or the lyrics of a song, that person will listen to his report, and to his opinion, and if he's misheard the words or misunderstood the plot, that they will help him understand it.

a nice match for Untangling Ideas, but the quote is from Seeing Writing
photo by Gail Higgins

Sparkly and joyful

Choices in an environment maintained with learning in mind are different from choices in a quiet, boring place. If I were a kid, my choice in a quiet, boring place would be to go to school.

Make your unschooling sparkly and joyful.


SandraDodd.com/schoolchoice (righthand box halfway down)
photo by Sandra Dodd

Joy and service

When you do things, look for the joy and service in them, and your life will be softer and more meaningful.


SandraDodd.com/service

SandraDodd.com/chores/gift

photo by Sandra Dodd, of ice as a bathtub toy

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Make it plentiful

Once someone tried allowing her children to choose their own foods, and after a month she was ready to give up.

It's only been a month. It might take more than that for them to get as much candy as they feel they've missed in five or seven years. You scarcified it and made it valuable. Let them gorge. They'll get over it. If you don't let them have it now, they will continue to crave it, sneak it, and pack it in. Make it plentiful, and that will make it less desireable.

Please read all of this: "Economics of Restricting TV Watching of Children." It's by Pam Sorooshian, and will apply to food too.

SandraDodd.com/eating/control
photo by Sandra Dodd, at someone else's house

Calm, sweet joy

May your calm expectations
and your sweet surprises
bring you much joy.

wreath and photo by Janine Davies,
words by Sandra Dodd, written for a Christmas card

Meditation for moms

When a question about meditation came up, years back, Caren Knox shared:

I've done it different ways, at different times of my life. Mostly, as described - sitting, focusing on the breath, noticing thoughts, not getting carried away by them. And if I get carried away, when I "return", calmly return my focus to the breath, without letting thoughts of "Oh, no! I got carried away!" carry me away again. ...

When the boys were younger, I'd sit when I could, but I noticed that thoughts of "needing" to meditate were pulling me away from the moment *with them*. So I'd get centered in that moment, breathing (three deep breaths is magical), noticing sounds, smells, where my body was. Momentary, but being able to be in the moment changed & flavored the next moment, and shifted it toward peace.

—Caren Knox

SandraDodd.com/breathing or SandraDodd.com/meditation
photo by Ester Siroky
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One peaceful choice

Lisa J Haugen wrote:

I make one peaceful choice, one bonding, relationship-building choice. Just one little choice.

Then it's easier to make the next one, and the next one, and sometimes there's wobble, but rebuilding peace and self esteem one choice, one moment at a time, is doable! When you do that you can get to really sweet, joyful, soul-warming places.

—Lisa J Haugen

SandraDodd.com/choices
photo by Sandra Dodd

Observation and curiosity

If you look closely, and are curious, learning happens. New input + questions = new hooks to hang other information on. Look at the image on the building. It's a parachute, with a zia. Why? Come and see how a collection can branch off and curl back, touching on unexpected people, places, times and ideas. Zias and Pickups (on facebook)

Those without facebook access might want to
play around with one of these collections of connections:

ziathings.blogspot.com
wheelbarrowthings.blogspot.com
thinkingsticks.blogspot.com

photo by Brie Jontry; click it for a larger image

Another starting place

Don't do what you don't understand.

Q: Any gentle methods of a peaceful bedtime after not having one for a while? A: I think being honest and saying, "This isn't working. I took some bad advice. Your dad REALLY needs to sleep quietly, and I do too, so let's come up with a better plan..." would be the starting place. —Sandra Dodd

SandraDodd.com/sleep
photo by Lisa J Haugen

When is writing "real"?

Somewhere between writing nothing and being a wealthy professional author, many people write in the middle ground, and others' lives are changed.

Other Voices
The quote is from SandraDodd.com/balance
photo by Sandra Dodd

"Radical," dude!

"Radical" means from the roots—radiating from the source. The knowledge that learning is natural to humans can radiate forth from that point in every direction.
SandraDodd.com/terminology



So the history of "radical unschooling" came from someone saying "Well we're not that radical," and me saying "well I am."
. . .
From the roots to the tips
from the roots of hair to the tips
or the roots of a tree to the end of each leaf
or from the roots of a belief to the end of each action.

Why Radical Unschooling?
photo by Gail Higgins

Tactful tactics

Tact is not a rule.

Tact is making a strategic, thoughtful decision after considering as many factors as the person has access to. Tactful. Tactics.

Tact is not about rules. Tact is about not burning bridges, not losing friends, not screwing things up. Tact is about being a good member of a social team. Tact is what helps a person maneuver a difficult situation and be praised and thanked later. Tact is what can get someone invited back over again.

Tact is a WONDERFUL thing to have. It is one of the best things anyone could have.

SandraDodd.com/courtesy
photo by Karen James

What if a parent is afraid?

Part of my response to a request for advice to fearful parents:

Turn away from the school and look directly at your children. Look at them as individuals, rather than as students, or third graders or eight-year-olds. Look at their potential, their interests, their sweetness, and find ways to preserve and nurture those.
. . .

Don't do school. Do life as though school didn't exist. Live to learn; learn to live. If after really trying it as hard and as honestly and fully as you can for an extended period of time you can't get it to work, then you can always go back to a curriculum.

School has already taken twelve or more years of your freedom and individuality. You don't have to let it take your adult life as well. You don't have to let it have your child.

SandraDodd.com/interviews/successful
photo by Sandra Dodd