Who will your children follow?

If parents set a good example, it's easier for kids to learn. It's good for the relationship.

If parents set a bad example, children can still learn better habits, but they might learn by deciding NOT to be like the parent, but rather to be like another adult they respect more. It might be a karate teacher, or a friend's parent. That is NOT good for the relationship, and can affect the parent/child relations for decades.

The above was written in a longer discussion, where I didn't mention that the children might not learn better habits, but might settle for behaving as badly as the parents.

Be the way you hope your children will be.

Similar, but without the quote above:
Thoughts on Respect, by Robyn Coburn
photo by Rippy Dusseldorp

Caution and growth

I cannot make my children's lives good. I can't ensure their success. I cannot make a tree grow. I can water it and put a barrier near so Keith doesn't hit it with a lawnmower, and ask my kids not to climb in it while it's young.

I could destroy that tree, all kinds of ways. I could do it damage. I could neglect it. But I can't predict where the next branch will grow, or whether it will double in size this year or just do 1/3 again of its height. Not all years' growth are the same.

I could mess my kids up and make them unhappy and keep them from having access to things, but I cannot make them learn. I can't make them mature. I can give them opportunities and room to grow, and food and water and a comfortable bed.

I can't guarantee anything for anyone else, nor for my own family. I know what does damage, and I know what might help.

SandraDodd.com/guarantee
photo by Sandra Dodd

Am I doing enough?

Karen James wrote:

I asked the same question a few years back. I got an excellent, but unexpected reply. I was told if I thought I wasn't doing enough, then to do more. Now, if our unschooling days start to feel a bit stale to me, I try to make them lively again by using what I know about my son to introduce something(s) fresh to our experience. Doing this has never lead me astray. It might take me in a completely different direction from what I had in mind, but, to me, that's a big part of the fun of this life.

—Karen James

SandraDodd.com/enough
photo of Holly Dodd, by someone with her camera, in 2008

Be nice

Please don't use unschooling as a reason to be rude. And if you're rude, please don't tell people it's because you're unschoolers.

SandraDodd.com/courtesy
photo by Sandra Dodd
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A better moment

"What I know for sure is that a sad or angry moment turned into a happy and playful one will always be better."

—Jenny Cyphers

SandraDodd.com/bonding
photo by Sandra Dodd
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Layers of an onion

My response to "Sometimes I think I've started to understand something but instead it's like an onion and there's another layer I didn't know I needed to understand."

That's how everything good is. Every hobby, skill, pastime, has a surface and has a depth. Some things can be just surface, but parenting and unschooling last for years. And if a family can't resolve to be and do and provide better for the child than school would, then school is better. If a family resolves to provide a better life experience then school did, then their decisions and actions should be based on that.

SandraDodd.com/betterchoice
"Getting It" has some layers-of-onion discussion, too.

photo by Sandra Dodd

Nurturing bonds

Lots of people, when they first hear of homeschooling or unschooling say (almost before they take a breath) "I couldn't be with my child all the time." School (and even daycare) can break the bond between parent and child.There are, and have been in the past, various culturally approved bonds-breaking practices, so one thing we're doing with unschooling is purposefully nurturing bonds, and these relationships. Lots of parents discover that *if* they can relax into that relationship building, that they can't believe they weren't with their children 24/7 before, and they make up for lost time, and it gets easier and easier.

SandraDodd.com/obstacles
photo by Claire Horsley

Mistakes

Deb Lewis, on a page I had never finished until yesterday:

It's more important for you to improve your parenting right now than it is for you to be soothed over your mistakes.

It feels *awful* to make mistakes. That awful feeling is useful though, because it's part of what helps us avoid doing that thing again. If we think of that feeling as a useful tool instead of a punishment, we won't feel so much need for comfort.

—Deb Lewis

More, about that, by Deb Lewis, here: SandraDodd.com/mistakes
photo by Sandra Dodd
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New, improved heart

Commentary on it being bad advice for a stranger to say "follow your heart":

Coming up with a plan to logically step, step, step by step away from the dark confusion of people's childhood memories, hidden ideas, frustrations, fears... Stepping away from that into the light is a better thing to do. Eventually they may get so good at this being-more-positive that it seems like they're following their heart—but it needs to be their new, improved, mindful heart.

Unschooling Support: Extras with Sandra Dodd
photo by Janine Davies
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Good judgment?

Without "judgment," how on earth can someone "use good judgment"?

SandraDodd.com/judgment
photo by Sandra Dodd, of King Alfred, in Wantage
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Courtesy and common sense

Don't bring your hot dog to the vegan friend's house. Don't bring stinky food to places where others can't get away. Don't bring great-smelling food to a hospital room where someone is on a restricted diet, or on an IV with no food allowed.
. . . . "It depends" is a good first answer when someone asks whether something is or is not okay. There is no "rule" that says unschoolers can eat anything they want any time. But there should not be arbitrary restrictions, just really logical, sensible ones involving courtesy and common sense.

SandraDodd.com/foodrules
photo by Sandra Dodd

Safe and near

If things seem too loud and sharp, consider a sheet over a table, with pillows. Softer. Quieter. Soothing. Let young children play with safe kitchen utensils or food while you cook. Let them be near you, if you can.

SandraDodd.com/youngchildren
photo by Julie D

Wonderful things

"I began to question so much of what I believed. I began to say yes, try to make the better choice, loosen up control. And not only did nothing I had feared come to pass, wonderful things began to happen." —Anna, in Melbourne

Stories of how Families Changed
photo by Sandra Dodd

Funny and comfortable

Make it happy and funny and comfortable and exciting so that they want to be with you. Be sparkly.

"It" could be
  - home
  - life
  - your nest
  - your children's day
  - yourself

Sparkly Unschooling
photo by Janine
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Not just about parenting

"This journey is helping me become the woman I have always wanted to be. Unschooling is not just about parenting—it truly spills over into all areas of life." —Megan Valnes

the original comment and another resource
photo by Sandra Dodd

Joy and Ease

If the goal is to know everything, and if each person's internal "universe" is unique, then the order in which the information is acquired isn't as important as the ease and joy with which it is absorbed.

SandraDodd.com/checklists
photo by Sandra Dodd
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Choose Choices (...repeat)

"Children have to be taught to self-regulate." That "rule" is parroted by non-thinking parents with great regularity. It can be replaced with "I would like to help my child make thoughtful choices."

If you think of controlling yourself, and of your children controlling themselves, it's still about control. If people live by principles their choices come easily.. . .When you hear or say "They will self-regulate," think to yourself: "They will learn to make choices."

SandraDodd.com/self-regulation
Quote is from page 56 (or 61) of The Big Book of Unschooling.
photo by Sandra Dodd
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This post first appeared in May 2013.

Where joy is...

"Where joy is, you will find learning. Where joy is, you will find flow."

—Clare Kirkpatrick

SandraDodd.com/joy (not the source, but a companion link)
photo by Karen James
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Sleep, sleepity sleep

At 3:30 a.m., I wake up (woke up, if things went well) to take Keith to the airport, so he can fly to Texas to help our firstborn child move home. Kirby has worked for Blizzard for nine years. He moved to Austin just as he turned twenty-one. He misses New Mexico.

This personal story is a substitute for an inspiring quote. I'm sleepy, and rather than stay awake until I've found a perfect word and image combo, I will share why I went to sleep early.

SandraDodd.com/kirby
photo by Sandra Dodd, of moonflower vines outside my bedroom,
which I plan to grow there again this year
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Hats and fantasies

Karen James wrote:

What I saw on tv influenced how I saw the world. It gave me so much to play with, so many more hats to try on, so many more diverse fantasies to dream up. I'm glad I didn't have adults telling me I should be doing something different or that what I was choosing to do wasn't good for me. I wouldn't be the person I am today without those experiences.

—Karen James

SandraDodd.com/t/memories
photo by Sandra Dodd, of Marty as Dr. Strangelove, and others at a party
where the theme was to dress as a favorite movie character ___

Untangle

Words and thoughts and emotion are all entangled. Untangle.

---

SandraDodd.com/clarity will help, but the original writing is here

photo by Sandra Dodd, of Marty in a Viking-style cow mask he made.
It seemed the knotwork could represent entangled thoughts, but
really he's supposed to be a Viking dressed as a cow.
You know how that goes.
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Unexpectations

Old and new technology and art are everywhere if you look, and remember that not all learning needs to be important or recorded or reported.

Roll another one at Thinking Sticks: Playing with Ideas
photo by Sandra Dodd

Simple wonders

Look at the world with child-like wonder.

Your child looks at the world with wonder.

Protect, nourish, and regain the ability to join in.

SandraDodd.com/wonder
photo by Chrissy Florence

Reading something strange and new

Sometimes I've been criticized for saying that I won't say my child is reading until he or she can pick something up and read it. Not something I planted and that they've practiced, but something strange and new. If I can leave a note saying "I've gone to the store and will be back by 10:30," and if the child can read that, then I consider that the child is reading.


Others want to say "My child is reading" if he can tell Burger King's logo from McDonald's. I consider that more along the lines of distinguishing horses from cows. Yes, it's important, and yes, it can be applied to reading, but it is not, itself, reading.

The Nature of "Real Reading"
photo by Rippy Dusseldorp
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Explore close by

There might be something near you that's interesting, pretty, different, unusual, that's worth a little visit. Don't wait to be tourists in distant lands to have a look around!

Strewing in Action
photo by Colleen Prieto

Really being with each child

Learn to really be with a child.

They will be better able to be each others' friends and playmates if they each feel really strong in their relationship with the parent.

SandraDodd.com/siblings
photo by Sandra Dodd
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Different, but right in the middle of everything

My children grew up in a way most adults can't imagine.

Unschooling isn't easy to explain. It isn't easy to understand, but every day people try to help others who are trying to get it.

SandraDodd.com/gettingit
photo by Sandra Dodd, of volunteer cypress vines
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Shakespeare hangs around

Shakespeare can be part of your life.

In 1999 I wrote about Shakespeare for unschoolers, but fifteen years later, it's all easier and more available, in short bits, free on the internet.

Some of what I wrote then:

"Studying" Shakespeare is quite different from enjoying and appreciating Shakespeare, if my kids are any indication.
.... Luckily for us all, we can see Shakespeare in our own homes, done by professionals, and we can pause or rewind or fast forward.

SandraDodd.com/shakespeare
photo by Sandra Dodd

Seeing Everything

If you learn to see everything instead of just school things, unschooling will start working for you.

SandraDodd.com/seeingit
photo by Rippy Dusseldorp (click image for close-up and fun details)

Perpetual learning

Learning can be easy and fun and perpetual.

https://unschoolingsupport.com/the-word-unschooling/
photo by Chrissy Florence

Blanketing time and space

Any subjects leads to every other subject, and every other connection of any sort. Rather than sorting things out with your children, try to keep blending and mixing.

Religion leads to history, to geography, to clothing, to fashion, to business and imports to transportation to law. Law leads to ethics to medicine to religion. Any of those "leads to" points could lead to a dozen OTHER destinations, so even with a list that short, it starts to blanket time and space. Don't resist those weird tangents; jump on them and ride.

SandraDodd.com/subjects
photo by Sandra Dodd
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Quietly better

The fewer things you say or do to make things worse, the better things will be.



SandraDodd.com/breathing
photo by Marty Dodd
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Giving, learning and growing

Parvine Shahid wrote, on the topic of "Service":

Being with my children, giving them in each moment all I can, learning and growing with them, changed my understanding of "service."

I have chosen to give, help and serve my children. I feel being with them has contributed towards a new understanding of the word as well as a way of building a connection with them. I can also see how it can be extended to others.

I realize how much weight a word can carry, how changes in my own feelings have lightened that weight and thrown a new light on the word itself. Service now stirs up and brings great feelings of joy.

—Parvine Shahid

SandraDodd.com/serviceResponse
photo by Sandra Dodd (click for more info)
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Before, behind; inside, outside

Ideas are based on other ideas, quite often. Songs might remind you of other songs. Art sometimes references other art.

In this photo there is an inside and an outside, things in front, things behind, Queen's Diamond Jubilee flags (so a time stamp) and a little tree.

Whether life is quietly calm or frantically busy, try to be gracefully and gratefully present.

SandraDodd.com/gratitude/chairs
photo by Sandra Dodd
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Messin' with the sun

"How do you know they're learning?" The people who ask that question are looking at the world through school-colored glasses. Those same parents knew when their children could use a spoon. They knew when the child could drink out of a cup. They knew when walking and talking and bike riding had been learned.
SandraDodd.com/playing
photo by Holly Dodd
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Silly old things

Find the funny, fun parts of life.
SandraDodd.com/humor
photo by Sandra Dodd
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The wondrous now

There are WONDROUS things people can do with current technology, and it's likely to get better and better, isn't it?

Don't separate your children from the future, from progress, and from understanding and using things just because the parents don't understand them or use them as well as they might. Don't hobble your child out of fear or superstition or trying to impress people you don't even know who want to scare and shame you. Be your child's partner. Lift him up and let him see.

SandraDodd.com/partners/child
photo by Sandra Dodd, of sculpture and shadows in Albuquerque,
to share around the world, without printing, paper or postage
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One and only childhood

"Soften your view of the world. Don't expend too much energy being against things. Be soft and sweet and peaceful while your child is young. There will be plenty of time to gnash teeth and shake your fist at the injustices of the world when your child's one and only childhood is over."

—Sylvia Woodman

SandraDodd.com/happy
photo by Sandra Dodd

Supporting change

Helping other people understand unschooling isn't easy. It can take months or years for people to get it. For natural learning to flourish with them, they need to change the way they act and even the way they see learning and education. In discussions and on message boards and at conferences, people's thinking can seem to have been criticized, and some object. They want the speakers or writers to soften up, ease up, "support them." There's a difference between supporting changing in order to better understand unschooling, and the vanilla "support" that women can become accustomed to. Nice noise and soothing words of praise are what many people think of as "support."

SandraDodd.com/support/problem
photo by Sandra Dodd
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Learn and be an example

Colleen Prieto wrote:

Realize your unschooling life and someone else’s unschooling life won’t look exactly just the same, and that’s because your kids and their kids, your partner and their partner, your house and their house, your interests and their interests… they’re not the same either. But still read, talk, and think about what you are doing, and listen to what others are doing. Learn from the example of people who have been there/done that, and be an example for those who will come after you on the unschooling path.

—Colleen Prieto

From Colleen's writings at the bottom here: SandraDodd.com/video/doright
photo by Sandra Dodd
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It depends

A question like "should I buy this, yes or no?" isn't the kind of questions others can answer very well. And if we did, we'd need to say WHY we thought so, which would involve explaining a principle. And with all of the best answers, it needs to start, "It depends."

SandraDodd.com/rulebound
photo by Sandra Dodd

Anything but that...

Deb Lewis, on responding to a child who has expressed a feeling of boredom:

Put her on your lap and snuggle and visit awhile. Talk about something interesting you read in the newspaper, tell her you're going to make her favorite thing for dinner, talk about anything at all except why she shouldn't be bored. Pull out a game she really likes and sit and play with her. Go for a walk around the neighborhood together. Invite her to make cupcakes.

She's not so much interested in you telling her what to do or why she shouldn't be bored. She wants you to help her feel better. Spend time with her talking and doing and that will help.

—Deb Lewis

SandraDodd.com/BoredNoMore
photo by Sandra Dodd

Seeing patterns

Humans look for patterns. There are patterns in sound, story, colors, words, designs and textures. Needlework, architecture and ironwork. Waves, clouds, and snow. Puzzles, mazes and games. Cosmic, microscopic and temporary patterns are all around us.

SandraDodd.com/seeingitcomments
photo by Sandra Dodd
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They *know* things.

Teens who were always unschooled *know* things that other people don't know. My children, for example, know one can learn to read without being taught. They don't think it, kind of believe it, or have a theory about it. They know that it's possible to be honest and trust your parents. They know it's possible for a fourteen year old girl to hang out with her older brothers pleasantly and at their request. They understand why those with unlimited TV in their own rooms can go a long time without turning it on, or why they might want to leave it on to sleep. They have years of experience with the fact that someone with the freedom to choose to stay awake will get sleepy at some point and want to go to bed and sleep. They all understand when it's worth going to sleep even though fun things are going on, and they know how to decide when it's worth setting an alarm to get up.

There are many adults who don't know those things.

"Unschooled Teens: How are they as people?"
SandraDodd.com/teen/people
photo by Sandra Dodd, of three teens on the way to a party together, long ago
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A changing environment

Many parents want to change the child, instead of changing the child's environment by (in large part) changing themselves.

SandraDodd.com/being
photo by Chrissy Florence

Softer and Safer

The Parenting Peacefully page has something at the bottom about making better choices. This can move you from wherever you are to wherever you want to be. It will take dozens or thousands of choices, and sometimes you'll be hungry or angry or tired and might speak or act in a way you didn't choose—that just popped out—but if you see it as a single moment, a single incident, and put THAT in with the bad examples, you can be a softer, safer element in your child's life and in your own.


SandraDodd.com/choices
photo by Sandra Dodd
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The distant future...

If you're looking up at the Sky of Imagined Tomorrow, you're going to stumble on something with your very next step. Look at where you are.

SandraDodd.com/moment
photo by Colleen Prieto

Air and sunshine

Lay your fears out to dry in the air and sunshine.

SandraDodd.com/gradualchange
photo by Janine (click it, and again, for details)
(I'm grateful to Mia Fiore for saying something nice about the quote, and so inspiring me to use it.)

Being; trusting; seeing

"Unschooling, in a very real sense, is a mindfulness practice. Being in the moment with our children, trusting the flow of life, seeing our connections to them and to all of the universe." —Ren Allen

SandraDodd.com/parentingpeacefully
I don't remember who took the photo, but it's of me, Marty and Kirby

They just like it

My children have curiosity and joy and compassion. I will not trade that for all the worksheets in the state. My children have never 'gotten an F' and they've never gotten an A. They like learning because they like it.

SandraDodd.com/media/ABQjournal
photo by Lisa Jonick
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