Healthy attitudes

"I don't believe sugar is addictive. I believe some people naturally like sweets more than others and I believe our attitude about sugar, about any food, creates more problems than the food itself. I think one of the best things we can do to ensure a healthy attitude about foods for our kids is to not screw up their psychology with fear and guilt and dire warnings."

—Deb Lewis

The quote is the conclusion of a longer story by Deb Lewis here: SandraDodd.com/eating/sugar
photo by Sandra Dodd, of cupcakes by Julie Anne Koetsier

In 2011, when the quote was posted, there were two good comments you can see here.

Stepping away from rules

To a question about how to move from rules to principles and choices:

Gradually, without fanfare, be more positive and more supportive of her desires and requests.

Here is an antidote to your no-speed-limits fear. It's called "The Beautiful Park" by Robyn Coburn. It's about people getting off bicycles to walk. I think it could replace your fearful background with something gentle and peaceful.

Read about why, and what others have seen.

Try it a little.

Don't expect her not to think you're crazy at first; wait a while.

Watch her reaction. Feel your own thoughts. Lay your fears out to dry in the air and sunshine.

SandraDodd.com/gradualchange
photo by Cally Brown

Safe and fed and warm

Pam Sorooshian:

Learning requires a sense of safety.

Fear blocks learning. Shame and embarrassment, stress and anxiety—these block learning.

Principles of Unschooling

Sandra Dodd:

So don't pressure, coerce or confuse your children.

Smile and laugh and provide.

Keep them safe and fed and warm and they will grow all sorts of ways.

Principles of Learning (chat transcript)
photo by Belinda Dutch

Real life science

Joyce Fetteroll, responding to a fear-filled mom:

While I'm a big fan of science and have a sciency degree, in terms of helping children I trust the real life experiences of unschoolers far more than I trust scientific studies done on (schooled) children (often with an eye towards getting kids to perform better in school!)

Offering a fear over experience as the basis of decision making isn't going to be helpful to unschooling.

—Joyce Fettroll

SandraDodd.com/joyce/logic
photo by Nicole Kenyon

Relative sizes

New unschoolers are often afraid. If you feel fear, that's natural. If you've taken a child out of school, there is still a school there you could put him back into, so if your fear is that it's a once and forever decision, it's not. Schools are right there, still.

If you feel that you're turning your back on your entire culture, take a deep breath and note that when you turn your back on school, all that's behind you is a school. What's not school is infinite. What is school is small.

Fears
photo by Roya Dedeaux

quote is from page 16, Big Book of Unschooling

Frost and warmth

Frost can be beautiful and might only last an hour or so.

Heat is exhausting, but people can usually find some shade and a fan.

Children are frustrating, and wonderful, and you love them and protect them and they change, and grow, and maybe leave.

Admire and appreciate sweetness and light. Don't fear that exhaustion and frustration will never give you a break.

Practice keeping your balance, gently.

Impermanence
photo by Jo Isaac

The obstacle isn't the path

Joyce Fetteroll wrote:

One thing that keeps me responding after all these years is because I understand. To me it makes perfect sense *why* parents get stuck on certain thought pathways. I understand why they can't see the view the child sees, why school colors their vision, why fear colors their vision. I enjoy helping them see the walls they thought trapped them are just obstacles. I enjoy helping them find a path around the obstacles.

But it can't work unless people see the obstacles aren't part of who they are, unless they can step back to observe the obstacles objectively so that they can let go and move around them.

—Joyce Fetteroll

"It's not Personal"

Possible obstacles to Unschooling
photo by Cátia Maciel

Growing up and leaving gently

I have heard many stories of the rearrangements of families with unschoolers who are in their late teens or early twenties, and a young adult will leave, or bring another in, or the house is split up some. The stories are peaceful, and not about fear and arguments.

This, below, is from an interview I did in 2010.

I think when the child leaves naturally and positively, for a good reason, and the parents were willing to have him stay longer, there are fewer regrets and frustrations than under other circumstances. When kids are small, the mom is constantly on call. When Holly was born I had two and five year old boys. I know what it's like to have three young children. I also know what it's like to have three teens driving. But when they're calmly and confidently grown, the mom can leave for a month and they'll still be okay.

—Sandra Dodd

Interview, by Kim Houssenloge, of Feather and Nest
photo by Jihong Tang

Discover and do and be

"Conventional wisdom" (those truisms that too-often aren't true) says "children need limits," and that good parents have lots of limits (the more limits the better the parent). We've all seen (and some have been in) families where stifling limits caused the very problems they were expected to prevent. But without a counter-mantra to "children need limits" it's easy for parents to fear that it must be true or people wouldn't keep saying it.

If by "limits" people mean "safe boundaries," sure! If by "limits" people mean "someone to watch and care," absolutely! But what people usually mean by "limits" is parents who say "no / don't / stop / forget it / when you're older."

When unschoolers discuss limits they're often discussing arbitrary limits, trumped up to make the parents feel good, or used as magical talismans to guarantee that their children will be creative, healthy and safe. What creates much more magic is to help children discover and do and be.

SandraDodd.com/limits
photo by Brittany Lee Moffatt

Clearly and plainly honest

Deb Lewis wrote:

A child who can't trust his parents, not because of any malicious intent on the part of his parents, but because of repeated false information, is at risk of not seeking help from his parents when he really needs it. Who will he turn to? It might be someone who does not have his best interests at heart.

Truth is a sensitive thing and a parent's fear might prevent her from thinking and being clearly and plainly honest.

—Deb Lewis

SandraDodd.com/trust
photo by Kirby Dodd

"What do you mean?"

Concerning the "socialization" question...

It might be useful to ask conversationally, "What do you mean?" It's very likely they don't know what they mean. It's a question asked out of very vague fear. If they have an answer, say "Can you give me an example?" It probably won't take much to lead them to see that they haven't really thought much about the topic.

Some home educating families feel that they're on trial, or at least being tested. If someone asks you something like "What about his social growth?" it's not an oral exam. You're not required to recite.

You could say "We're not worried about it" and smile, until you develop particular stories about your own child. It's easier as your children get older and you're sharing what you *know* rather than what you've read or heard.

SandraDodd.com/socialization
(listen there about socializing vs. socialization)
photo by Nina Haley

Calm and thoughtful

Don't rush into anything. Parents should learn to be calm and thoughtful instead of panicky and reactionary. It's better for health and decision-making, and it sets a good example for the children. Don't live in fear when you can live in joy.

Time, change, learning
photo by Holly Dodd

Staying home in modern times

Below is something I wrote in December 2020.
I'm sharing it because it has been two years since the covid shut-down changed my plans. I was to have stayed with a grandson while his younger sibling was born. That little girl has turned two years old now. Because I have an undiagnosed chronic cough, I fear to become sick, so I stay home, still, usually.

---

I could be sad at home, or I can be happy. I have years of practice at conjuring and sharing happiness. Keith knows that sometimes I fail. I get scared, or have a bad dream, or feel sorry for myself, but I revive and recover and put out one more “Just Add Light and Stir,” where people can peek into moments in other families, viewpoints of other people, and sightings of birds or lizards on other continents, in other seasons. There are words and ideas people can take in for a moment, or an hour, or to keep. Then I feel better.

I hope next year is easier and sweeter for all of us. If it is, your memories of an expansive world should allow you to jump on and ride it.

SandraDodd.com/2020
photo by Sandra Dodd

Fear doesn't have a stick

June 2018, a mom wrote for a public group that fear was assaulting her. In a conversation on the side, she used the term again: "sometimes fear assaults me."

I responded:

Fear doesn't hit you with a stick in a dark alley.
Don't use the word "assaults."
It's too dramatic and it makes you a victim.

An additional problem, though, is that it also treats "fear" as something outside herself, that comes toward her and assaults her when she least expects it.

Maybe ALL the negative words are doing that—personifying, or anthropomorphizing, an emotion as an external enemy. So some would say "it's just semantics," but it's a map of one's emotions that ranges outside the body and builds bad guys, I'm thinking.

"Just semantics" is a big problem

---

SandraDodd.com/battle
photo by Ester Siroky

Five solid tools

Alex Arnott wrote:

Principles of unschooling that have helped me relate differently with my own highly active nervous system:

1. expanding awareness to include all the joy life offers rather than zooming in on the negative;
2. developing a habit of questioning the assumptions my mind make about potential dangers...learning not to take all my thoughts so seriously all the time;
3. developing mindfulness to slow down when my mind feels chaotic so I can reconnect with my values which in turn helps create the condition to make better choices;
4. learning the joy and privilege of being of service to others...I cannot overstate how vital this has been for my mental health. It’s helped me reconnect to others in meaningful ways;
5. deliberately choosing love, which is a wonderful antidote to fear/anger.

These are just a few examples of what’s helped me learn how to be solid in the face of anxious personality traits.

—Alex Arnott

Parenting Peacefully
photo by Karen James

A big, calm place

Focusing too narrowly on danger doesn't make the world a big scary place. It makes it a small, terrifying place. You don't need to do that.

Overcoming Fear
photo by Ester Siroky

Secret worlds

Parents new to unschooling often fear the responsibility of needing to discover things to show their children.

More experienced unschoolers discover the sweet joy of children finding wonderful things to show the parents.

Behind that bark is a little hidden world.

SandraDodd.com/discovery
photo by Rosie Moon

Hope and joy

There are no guarantees, but we can always do a little better.

Live in hope and joy, not in fear and avoidance.

SandraDodd.com/guarantees
photo by Elaine Santana

Fear itself

Clare Kirkpatrick wrote:

"I always find it helpful to really pick apart my fears and compare them to other fears I could have and I usually come to the conclusion that I really should just chill out about it all and look for joy, not fear. Fear just gets in the way of everything. And fear itself is bad for you anyway—worrying about this or that all the time just means you have some nasty, harmful hormones floating round your body. You can find reasons to worry about everything but all those things will get in your way."

—Clare Kirkpatrick
(original)

Better Biochemicals
photo by Sandra Dodd

Unfounded fears

Joyce Fetteroll, on unfounded fear:

It's natural to want to be safe rather than sorry. In fact it's natural to listen to fears. Evolutionarily speaking if an animal runs when frightened but is wrong, nothing is lost except dignity. If an animal doesn't run when frightened but there is something wrong, they're dead. We're wired to listen to our fears.

But these warnings aren't about known dangers like earthquakes in LA or tornados in Oklahoma. This is about protecting your kids from shadows that might be dragons.

So while your family hunkers down behind dragon-proof walls, your kids' friends will all be out playing happily as though dragons don't exist.

—Joyce Fetteroll

SandraDodd.com/radiation
photo by Karen James