You don't "have to"

Every time "have to" comes up in writing, speech or thought, back up two words and see it as a choice, and not a have to.

You don't "have to" do that, but your ability to make choices and to live a life of abundant gratitude will be hampered if you don't.

SandraDodd.com/haveto
photo by Marty Dodd
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Experiences, not lessons

Experience is the only true teacher. Give your kids experiences, not lessons. Give them opportunities to follow their hearts until they exhaust their curiosity. The longer you do schoolish things, the longer it will take for them to find a path of their own because they will constantly be looking for approval for their choices from without instead of from within. Expose them to cool and interesting people whenever you can.
. . . .
Relax. Live life. Breathe. Enjoy. Find yourself. Love your children.

—Jennifer / Jen Fox
from the last comment, here

Jennifer was writing about deschooling, so... SandraDodd.com/deschooling
photo by Julie D

Relax into the next step

Leah Rose wrote:

I have come to see that it helps peace and learning to notice when we are clinging or tightening around an identity, an idea, or even a hope. I think that's why breathing and baby steps are such useful suggestions for new unschoolers. Both help us to stay in the moment, to relax right where we are rather than leaping ahead or getting mired in "shoulds." They help us cultivate soft, open ground upon which we can rest with joy, and know enough confidence to take the next step.

—Leah Rose

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Note from Sandra:
That quote is the bottom of longer writing by Leah, on how she moved from rules to "no rules" which wasn't the best direction, and found a better path in living by principles.

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Leah's writing is about the sixth quote down, at
SandraDodd.com/rules
photo by Karen James

Providing for needs

Sometimes when a child is recovering from paucity, he hoards.

Sometimes when a parent has been changeable and inconsistent, a child can seem clingy and grasping when attention/supplies/input are available, thinking the famine will return at any moment.

Thinking of attachment parenting, infants and toddlers, a baby needs as much milk as he needs, and when he's done he'll turn away. A toddler needs as much holding and carrying as he needs, and when he's done, he will wiggle down and take off.

SandraDodd.com/generosity
photo by Sandra Dodd

(original writing)

Improving thought

Kathy Ward had eight children, and was active in discussions years back. At first she rejected video games, but changed her mind. This is part of something longer:

Everyone agreed that [Tetris] was a great game for developing and improving mathematical thinking. The puzzles require some thinking about patterns and ability to recognize and recall geometric designs. Even the little kids enjoy it. I don't know why a parent would love to see a child spend an hour at a time figuring out puzzles like this in a workbook or on paper but be dismayed that the same child was doing this on a computer or a video game system. In fact, the whole thing is more challenging on the game system because it moves and changes, it's more interactive than geometric puzzles on a piece of paper.

When I told the older children that I was interested in putting their ideas about video games on this webpage...

—Kathy Ward
who continues that writing into other games, and benefits including problem solving, spatial reasoning, maps, graphic arts, physics of motion, vocabulary of auto mechanics, morality, military history, comparative cultures, and geography.

SandraDodd.com/kathyward/videogames
photo by Sarah Peshek

A good grasp of unschooling

Pam Sorooshian wrote:

How we lived was completely unrelated to school and no longer in reaction to school, once I'd gotten a good grasp of unschooling.

—Pam Sorooshian

original
or
at Always Learning
extended Sorooshians, years after that writing;
photographer unidentified

Fun, connection, learning

In response to a question from a mother of four-year-old girls:

"What does unschooling look like at this age?"

Clare Kirkpatrick wrote:

It looks like it does at any age: fun and connection. Do what is fun for them. If you're also working on better connection with them, a closer relationship with them, you'll also start to learn what they may find fun that they don't yet know about. Also do what is fun for you. Learning to help yourself to do fun things will help you realise that your children's learning and richness of life will come from helping them to do things they find fun.

At the moment in my house, I am having fun thinking hard about unschooling. My husband and my 12 year old are having fun and connecting with each other by playing Call of Duty together. I have helped my 6 and 8 year olds by making some space for them to build a little home for their polly pocket dolls out of wooden blocks and they are now having fun working on that and playing together. My 10 year old is having fun watching Mako Mermaids on Netflix and occasionally turning round to watch her sister and dad playing and ask questions about the game. Actually, while I've been writing that, the six year old has now snuggled next to my 12 year old to join in the chat about the game. Connection and fun. And, therefore, learning.

—Clare Kirkpatrick

https://sandradodd.com/clare.html#fun
photo: selfie by Sven, the dad

Defending ideas

Me/Sandra, in a discussion once:

Don't post what you're not able or willing to defend. That's not a rule for this group, it's just something that makes plain sense in the whole of life. Don't say in public something you don't really understand well, or that you don't think is worth defending.

Read a little.
Just some.
Don't keep writing.

Read a little. Try a little. Wait a while. Watch.

That's if you want to change.

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The discussions CAN and have and will continue to help people.   SandraDodd.com/feedback

SandraDodd.com/readalittle
photo by Sarah S.

Practical positivity

From a half-secret page on mental health (my writing, Marta's collection):

If a person with marked highs and lows gets too involved with depressing politics or scary or sad this'n'that, or doesn't gather a tool box of self-soothing thoughts and behaviors (breathing, walking, sending birthday cards and thank you cards to other people, singing, playing sports—different sets for different people, but some positive, uplifting habits), the low can turn to a depression that isn't easy to rise out of, and can be nearly impossible to function from.

SandraDodd.com/mentalhealth2
photo by Linda Wyatt

When I grew up

When I was in first grade I decided I wanted to be a teacher.

All through school I paid attention to what teachers did and how, and why (when I could figure that out, which was pretty often). And I asked the other kids what they liked about teachers and what they didn’t. So I learned LOTS and lots about how learning works and what factors work for different kinds of people.

When I was older, 13/14 or so, I wanted to become a missionary (still teaching-related), or to work at a magazine. And it seems all those rolled together are what I’ve become. I write, and I help people have happier more peaceful lives, and it’s all about learning. So in a natural-learning way I’ve been working up to this always.

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I wrote the above in an online exchange for Mothering Magazine in 2007.

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Recently, I remembered another writing-related profession I had seriously considered for a short while in my late 20's. I had read that the Hallmark Cards company was hiring writers, in Kansas City. I thought I could do that! I knew nothing about Kansas City, and decided I didn't want to move, but while I thought about applying, writing mushy or funny or inspiring words to go with an image sounded easy and fun.

When this blog was already ten years old, I remembered the greeting-card thoughts, and saw that Just Add Light and Stir is much like a greeting-card collection. Some are funny, or mushy, and many are inspiring. Some are seasonal, and some are about babies. With over 4,680 posts, I guess I have inadvertently written some greeting cards.

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The top section was originally published in 2021, with a video. The permission to use that video was forgotten about and the organizer said no, when I reminded her. That post said "...with over 4,000 posts" but today there are 4,687. Thank you for reading.

Just Add Light and Stir on my site
The snowglobe image above was by an artist at Fiverr in 2017.

Real vs. acting, or practicing

Writing done in school is practice writing, mostly. That "math" done in school is the calculations of other people's math. It's all at least two steps from "real world," while saying "this is the real world."

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That is from a discussion about the depth of being, rather than of acting like a child's partner. Examples were used, and tangents were taken. The longer collection is at:
"Partners," examined

photo by Holly Dodd

Take a step thoughtfully

People can ruin their lives with unschooling if they don't know where they're going. If they just intend to make a bunch of wild decisions and mill around, it won't work. Their kids will end up needing to go back to school, and being clueless kids in school. So it's almost that big a project. You will have to take hundreds of thousands of steps. And so it's better to take a step thoughtfully, knowing what direction you're going, than to thunder around yelling, "I'm an unschooler! I'm an unschooler!"

Extras with Sandra Dodd
I was speaking, not writing. You can listen (at 15:27), or read the transcript.
photo by Brie Jontry

"I feel it in my fingers..."

Karen James, on math:

I took the leap and we began homeschooling, with me trusting that like walking, talking, reading, writing, and all the other things he had managed to learn through his play and exploration and with our active support, he would come to have a meaningful understanding of math too. When I came to a greater understanding of unschooling, I suspected we had not made a error in judgement. As I have watched Ethan's relationship with math grow and deepen, I knew we had not.

What I didn't realize when I was worrying about how to bring math to Ethan, was that Ethan had already found math. He found it on his fingers. He found it in the seeds of an apple I had cut open. He found it in the peas spread over the tray on his high chair. He found it in every repeated drop of his cup or spoon. He found it in the music we listened to. He found it in the timing between jumps on his jolly jumper. He found it in the balance he needed to take the next step. He found it in the distance between steps. It was everywhere already, and he was already finding the art in it. I just needed to stop my worrying and start having fun.

So I have.

—Karen James

SandraDodd.com/math/found
photo by Belinda Dutch

The title isn't from the quote, it's from a 1967 Troggs song.


In 2023, Ethan James is newly grown up and working at a video game company, at least for a while.

Thirteen Light Years

Today is the 13th Anniversary of the first Just Add Light and Stir post. The 14th year begins today.

The parts of the post are a photo (usually by an unschooler), a quote (or some new writing by me), a link (to the quote's context, or to something related) and sometimes a bonus link. That will look like this:
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A "bonus link" usually indicates that a post is working from a phone. I leave them there as a marker for myself, and an easter egg for others. There are still posts I haven't tweaked, but I work on some just about every day. It's fun to see photos and ideas and stories that have gone by but are still as sweet as when they were new.

Please do view the blog from a computer sometimes, if you usually use a phone, so you can use the big randomizer, and the photo tags. If you want to see all the photos by one person, use the search at the blog.

Thanks for reading!

—Sandra Dodd

SandraDodd.com/light
photo by Renee Cabatic
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The atmosphere of the house

by Joyce Fetteroll, from something longer on her site:

Our job is to create an atmosphere so they can feel good about helping, or an atmosphere that doesn't crush that feeling ... so that "work" feels good.

Someone was asked how they got their child to like broccoli. She answered, "I didn't do anything to make her dislike broccoli." That goes for everything. :-) Broccoli, writing, household tasks, astronomy, reading and so on. Don't do anything to make them dislike helping you.

—Joyce Fetteroll

Will they ever voluntarily help out?
photo by Renee Cabatic

Is it worthwhile?

Little tiny choices

Jen Keefe wrote:

I gave up New Year's Resolutions a loooong time ago.

I learned that grandiose resolutions rarely add up to anything that matters. Now I know it is the little tiny intentional choices made moment after moment that are good for me and my family and make our world better. Not just my world. The whole world.

How do I know? I am living proof.

—Jen Keefe

That's the end of some sweetly powerful writing, about late-night learning. You can read it in full here:
Stories of Late-Night Learning
photo by Jen Keefe

Distraction

I thought of an analogy for distraction of someone of any age, and anyone who has had a baby should remember this. If you have a baby and you don't know this trick, here is a Big Gift:

If a baby is holding something dangerous or breakable and you want him to drop it, hold out something more interesting. He will drop what he has, to reach for the new thing.

And that is how distraction can work.

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I don't have a page on distraction, but the original is on facebook and I got back to that 2017 writing from a link at SandraDodd.com/depression.
photo by Sandra Dodd

Compassion, for a minute

Yesterday I played with a stranger's five-year-old granddaughter in a waiting room. It helped the child, and her grandmother, it gave me something good to do while I waited, and she was quieter so it might have helped those in the room who weren't feeling well. The little girl was one of those, so the distraction helped her forget she was at a clinic. I gave her tissues and told her mine were softer than those in the box on the table. Her grandmother thanked me.

Looking for a quote for this post, I found something 11 years old. Part of it was this:

Each day for a year, could you add one minute to the time you spend with a child? Any child. One extra minute. If you can infuse that moment with love or compassion, bonus!

I suppose that would be a minute you could be doing something else, but I doubt it would be something better.

The longer writing, with another story: 1/11/11
photo by Sarah S.

Learning without instruction

Bob Collier wrote:

Before my son's years of unschooling, it would never have occurred to me that it was possible for somebody to learn to drive without some kind of formal instruction. Apparently, it is. If you don't mind plenty of conversations and events unfolding at their own pace, which my wife and I became very used to with our son and that enabled us to trust him on this occasion. I hope he'll always keep that determination to do things the way he believes is best for him, and his unhurriedness. I've learned a lot from it.

—Bob Collier

Learning to Drive Informally on my site,
and the original writing at Always Learning
photo by Sandra Dodd
and not a perfect match, because my kids did take driver's ed