Rise up and see

"When you are in a defensive crouch you can't see the bigger picture."

—Sylvia Woodman

SandraDodd.com/calm
photo by Sandra Dodd
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Night swims

A mom named Melissa shared a special evening, years ago:

It was so beautiful to see their happiness and contentment shining in the pool late at night. The soft glow through the water was enough to light their faces, and they were happy to be out and playing games with dad and mom. We floated in the noodle chairs and watched lightning bugs. We counted stars and adopted some as our own. We all gathered around Avari in her baby floatie and laughed as she splashed her way around to try and get the floating glow sticks. Rachel learned to dive under water so she could catch as many as Emily was getting.

I took the big plunge with unschooling, and I'm still finding little things I didn't realize I was ruining for everyone. We stayed up swimming until midnight. The little ones got out on their own and climbed into bed as they got tired.

—Melissa

SandraDodd.com/day/melissa
photo by Charles Lagace, of northern lights in Nunavut, not of glow sticks in a pool
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A tool, a toy, a game

My kids think math is a tool and a toy and a game. Why would they want to be saved from it?

"We don't have to know that" isn't anything I have ever heard my children say. Because there is nothing they do "have to learn," there is nothing that is off their learning list either. In artistic terms, without the object there is no field. In math-lingo, they have the infinite universal set. In a philosophical light, they avoid the dualism of learning and not-learning.

SandraDodd.com/timestables
Photo by Sam Baykus

Distance and perspective

If people learn to use "learn" instead of "teach," it helps them move to another angle, to see things through a different lens.

Some people see experienced unschoolers ("experienced" meaning in this context people who have done it well and effortlessly for years, who aren't afraid anymore, who have seen inspiring results) mention classes, and they think "Ah, well if the experienced unschoolers' kids take classes, then classes are good/necessary/no problem."

But if beginners don't go through a phase in which they REALLY focus on seeing learning outside of academic formalities, they will not be able to see around academics. If you turn away from the academics and truly, really, calmly and fully believe that there is a world that doesn't revolve around or even require or even benefit from academic traditions, *then* after a while you can see academics (research into education, or classes, or college) from another perspective.

SandraDodd.com/peace/newview
photo by Heather Booth
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Patience and understanding

I didn’t expect unschooling to make things so sweet between me and Keith.
Partly Keith's just a nice guy, but principles that applied to the kids applied to the adults, too, and we all experienced and shared more patience and understanding.

The more I got to know Marty, the more ways I saw him like Keith, and because I was sympathetic to those traits in Marty which had bothered me in Keith, I became more sympathetic to and understanding of Keith.

SandraDodd.com/spouses
photo at Marty's wedding, in 2014
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So many paths

I love the potential in this photo. There is too much to explore, but the options are up, down, through, around. It reminds me that we live in the moment that connects the past and the future.

The world is too big for anyone to see everything. History will never all be discovered or known. The best we can do for ourselves and our children is to view their surroundings with wonder and curiosity. We can help them experience small things and large, old things and new.

SandraDodd.com/decisions
photo by Sukayna
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Fairly easy

Deb Lewis wrote:

Figure out what would help you the most and make the changes to make it happen. Maybe that means putting a garbage can in every room, having baskets or bins to chuck stuff into, having a container of those premoistened cleaning wipes in every room. Get a Roomba and let it go. Cook enough for two meals one night so you don't have to cook the next night, etc. Joyce recommended a pizza night so you don't have to cook. You could have sandwich night and everyone can eat off paper towels.

—Deb Lewis

SandraDodd.com/chores/unfair
photo by Rachel Singer
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Be aware

BE AWARE of who this child is and of your potential to help or to harm.

SandraDodd.com/peace/noisy
photo by Sarah Dickinson

Little moments

Life is made of little moments. A good life is made of moments seen and appreciated.

SandraDodd.com/moment
photo by Meghan Pawlowski

Fill your house with peace

"Fill your house with peace, toys, interesting things, good food, and love. Create abundance, not scarcity, even if you have very little in terms of monetary resources. Love and peace and happiness don’t cost a thing."

—Colleen Prieto

SandraDodd.com/colleenprieto
photo by Sandra Dodd

Adapt and change

Saying "positive things" when someone is having problems is most likely to keep them from making any changes that would improve the situation. Assuring an absolute stranger that she's a great mom is not only useless—it can be harmful.. . . .I'm willing to support people in their quest to understand natural learning and mindful parenting, but that support involves helping them understand the principles behind why it works, and finding ways to adapt their lives in ways that will help it flourish in their families.

SandraDodd.com/support.html
photo by Erika Ellis
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Knowledge grows everywhere

My strongly held belief about most things is that no one knows for sure, knowledge grows and changes, but that stress and fear are always harmful.

SandraDodd.com/calm
photo by Ve Lacerda

Mindfully and deliberately

"By relinquishing the desire to control, you help your child onto the path of living mindfully themselves, making choices and decisions mindfully and deliberately, instead of reactively."

—Robyn Coburn

SandraDodd.com/option
photo by Celeste Burke
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Thoughts

It's okay not to share everything you think.

Children's thoughts are their own, but if you're interesting and interested, they might share their thoughts with you.

SandraDodd.com/trust
photo by Jennie Gomes
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The easy way

When someone wrote "I may be taking the easy way out by just waiting until my son is older...," I responded (in part):

TAKE THE EASY WAY!!!

Make people’s lives easy. Don’t think there’s virtue in allowing difficulties to continue.

Make his life easier, if you can do it in some simple way.

The world will provide obstacles and difficulties enough. Let it be your duty and joy to provide a haven.

SandraDodd.com/peace
photo by Abby Davis
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Nice, and patient

Being nice to another person is what makes one nice.

Being patient with another person is what makes one patient.

If a parent says hatefully "BE GOOD," he's not being very good.

Instead of telling a young child "Be nice, and be patient," the parent should be nice, and patient. It's a generality, and a truism, but it's generally true.


SandraDodd.com/virtue
photo by Sandra Dodd

Swirl

Ren Allen wrote:

"You can read all the books, you can talk to unschoolers, attend a conference and join some lists. But until you GET IT at the internal level, until there is trust and a willingness to extend that trust to your children, unschooling is just a nice idea or philosophy to discuss...nothing more. For those that decide to learn to trust themselves and their children, they soon find their lives a bubbly, interesting swirl of natural learning."

—Ren Allen

SandraDodd.com/gettingit
photo by Hinano
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Without measure

Sometimes people measure too much. Try not to go by the clock or the numbers or the calendar so much as you go by the emotional and personal and physical needs of your child. It will pay you back. It will be a good deal.

SandraDodd, "Unschooling—How to Screw it Up"
photo by Jasmine Baykus

Snapshot

Things change. Babies grow. Young parents get older.

See what you have. Remember what is good, from this moment, from this time.

What is not memorably good, perhaps you can make better for the next moment.

SandraDodd.com/gratitude
photo by Lydia Koltai, a beautiful selfie
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See the light, lightly

If we concentrate more on politics and the awfulness of school, we're not paying attention to our kids. I won't sacrifice my family on the altar of social change. My family will be a light, not a bonfire.

SandraDodd.com/issues/choice (A Downside of Choice)
photo by Sandra Dodd
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Solid improvement

"It's human nature to justify and explain why loving parents did what they did to us. It's also human nature to try to do better for our children than our parents did for us. So those two things together create a tension (like cables on a bridge, holding it in place) that keeps the world from changing so quickly that it's unrecognizeable, but keeps it improving."

—Sandra Dodd

The quote was saved and shared by Susan May on facebook,
from a comment I wrote on a blogpost: "I turned out fine"

(backup copy)
photo by Colleen Prieto

Trivia

A huge amount of learning is taking place, and the child's internal model of the universe is starting to form up. You can help!

SandraDodd.com/trivia, in a quote that links to SandraDodd.com/piaget
photo by Colleen Prieto

To help a marriage

Karen James, posting on Always Learning:

Find things you both enjoy and try to make time and space for them. Include the kids or get a sitter. Chat while you're doing things together. Listen well when you have the opportunity. Learn more about your husband. Show him you're interested. Take steps to support him. Share a bit more of yourself—the positive things. The things you love. The things that inspire you. Laugh as often as you can. Smile more. Breathe deep and be present. Those things have all strengthened my marriage.

—Karen James

SandraDodd.com/betterpartner will match.
The original is here.
photo by Chrissy Florence
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Amusement

Find or do things to make people smile. Smile, when you can, at what people are doing.

SandraDodd.com/hsc/happiness
photo by Eva Witsel

Quiet

It is ironic when someone shouts "QUIET!"

Hold that image, as a distant cartoon, and let it dissipate.


Just for a day or two, try to speak less, and more softly. If you're already a quiet person, perhaps you can use the time to notice and appreciate that, about yourself. For the quick and too-loud among us, let's try to hear ourselves, and to raise the average of useful speech by letting go of some of the superfluous verbiage.

SandraDodd.com/quiet
photo by Charles Lagace,
of the inside of an iglu (inukitut for house)

Water, light, noise and peace

No doubt stone-age children played with toy spears and bows and arrows and atlatls and slings. Surely bronze- and iron-age children played with toy swords. Part of learning about culture and tools and technology, for children, is playing.

Children play with toy guns. Sometimes those guns squirt water, or fire little Star Trek phaser disks, or they shoot light. Some of them make noise.

There is no young-child gun play so violent as a mother saying "NO. I said NO!" to a young child who has dared to pick up a friend's toy gun.

page 229 (or 268) of The Big Book of Unschooling,
which leads to SandraDodd.com/peace/guns
photo by Sandra Dodd, of little Marty, cowboy gun in sword belt
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Feeling peace

If we raise the level of peace our children expect, they will know what peace feels like.

Adults need to know what peace feels like too, though, and some feel it for the first time when they really start to understand unschooling.


SandraDodd.com/peace/noisy
photo by Andrea Justice
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Fear and other hurdles

In an interview, I was asked "What have you found to be the biggest hurdle that new unschoolers face?"

My response was:

Fear, I guess, would be the answer. But different families have different fears, so it’s a hard question. Some are ready to jump away from schooling, so that’s kind of easy.

Sometimes the parents don’t agree, and that’s always a hurdle. I use the analogy of buying a yacht. It’s a big decision, and one parent can’t do it without the other agreeing. I can’t decide to own a yacht and tell my husband to just deal with it. Maybe I *could,* but would end up losing the yacht AND the husband. It’s a theoretical and a maybe, because I couldn’t even buy a car without my husband’s signature, as I don’t have my own income these days.

One secondary hurdle is when a parent feels overconfident, and becomes unwilling to continue to learn. Some unschoolers get on an odd trajectory and won’t accept help, and won’t check back for advice until they’ve made quite a mess. It’s helpful to stay in contact with other unschoolers, both in person if possible, and in writing.

Interview at Feather and Nest, November 2010
photo by Sandra Dodd
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Trusting and close

The urge to control anything, whether it's food or learning or exactly how people sit or exactly what people wear, is bad for the relationship between the parent and the child. Anything that is bad for the relationship is bad for learning, because unschooling is built very largely on a trusting relationship and a close relationship.

Transcribed and saved by Amber Ivey, from UnschoolingSupport's podcast on Food
photo by Hinano
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Enough or not; too much or not

I think there should be 180 great days a year—parents should feel enough pressure that they have as many shiny show-off days as there would be school days. And that leaves 185-186 days per year for "doing nothing."

I don't think anyone should count, but if they feel like they're in a frenzy of doing too much, then that's too much. And if the mom is feeling like maybe she should do more, then she should do more.

Enough "great" that the mom feels like she provided greatness. And enough happy that the kid felt like it was good, too.

The "180" number came from the number of school days required by the State of New Mexico. YMMV.
photo by Sandra Dodd
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Flexible expectations

Some people have snow while others have heat waves. Leaves turn red and gold some places while others have year-round greenery.

Some days are full of learning and laughter and others are quieter.

Expect the world to surprise you. Moments, days and years will have different kinds of weather, activity, and learning. The factors are too many to track, so flexibility and the ability to be easily amused or quickly compassionate will serve you well.



SandraDodd.com/skills
photo by Sandra Dodd

Hope and gratitude

I hope you find some unschoolers you can trust and respect to help you through the rough spots if you have any, and to share your joys and successes. I know that some of you will become trusted and respected helpers for future unschoolers.

Thank you for the honesty and clarity you might bring to the lives of others now and in years to come.

from The Big Book of Unschooling, page 242 (282 of 2019 edition)
which links to SandraDodd.com/integrity
photo by Holly Dodd
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Live lightly and musically

Encourage your kids to play with music in all kinds of ways. They're learning and growing. Help them turn the scary music off, if they're scared. Encourage them to appreciate other people's artistry.

Live lightly and musically. And if you have a kid who doesn't seem very musical, don't worry a bit.


quote from a chat transcript linked here: SandraDodd.com/music
photo by Ravi Bharadwaj, at a Rock Band game session years ago
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Structure and transformation

Mathematics could use a better name. Seriously. School has gone and made that one all scary. In addition (she said mathematically), it's not called the same thing in all English-speaking places. "Math" in some places, and "maths" in others.

But it's about measuring and weighing and sharing. It's about making decisions in video games (buy the watering can? risk danger to collect coins?) and it's about how fast music goes and which ladder to use to get onto the roof. It's almost never about numbers themselves, and it's never about workbooks (except for workbook manufacture and purchase).

I went to look for a different word for "mathematics," and I didn't find one. One Old English word was "telling." For arithmetic: "cyphering," or sums. So I went looking for modern, philosophical definitions of mathematics that had nothing to do with school, and I have collected all these bits and pieces for you: Mathematics is a science dealing with the logic of quantity and shape and arrangement; structure, space, and change; logic, transformations, numbers and more general ideas which encompass these concepts.

Structure and transformations? I use those things. Shape and arrangement? That covers art, and music. Flowers in vases and books on shelves.

Unschooling is simple but not easy, and it's not easy to understand, but when math is a normal part of life then people can discover it and use it in natural ways and it becomes a part of their native intelligence.

SandraDodd.com/math
photo by Holly Dodd, 2010 or earlier
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Processes

Learning to see learning is a process. It's part of deschooling, for the parents.


When learning starts to show, in its natural state, you will see that children are processing what they do and what they think about what they've done. They'll be making connections to everything else in their history and surroundings, to other experiences and imaginings.

When unschooling begins to really flow, the process of learning is the processing of experiences and connections.

SandraDodd.com/learning
photo by Chrissy Florence

Pleasant, productive and peaceful

Part of unschooling is involving ourselves in our children's lives to the extent that, because we've chosen to do something so different from school and cultural norms, our lives revolve around our children, and we should (if unschooling is to work well) partner with them to make their lives, and the lives of others around them, as pleasant and productive and peaceful as possible.

I wrote this quickly, in a discussion, and then noticed the four "p" words all in a row.
photo by Megan Valnes
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All the good things follow

“Start with love and respect and all the good things follow—it is not magic, and it is a lot of hard work, especially at the beginning.”

—Marina DeLuca-Howard

Recently quoted by Pam Laricchia here,
and obtained from Quotes for Unschoolers on my site
photo by Sukayna
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Local surprises

Keep your eyes open to newness and beauty—in things you see, and hear; in things you taste, and smell; in things you know, and feel, and think.

SandraDodd.com/wonder
photo by Lisa Jonick

Noisy peace

There is a phrase you should break up, in your head: "peace and quiet." Sometimes things seem chaotic that aren't. Sometimes peace can be noisy. Those toys in the photo were making zero noise.

SandraDodd.com/peace/noisy
photo by Sandra Dodd
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Building trust

"When your words and your actions are in alignment, that's when you're building trust." —Pam Laricchia

Pam's words came in this interview, at 23:15
photo by Janine

Lean toward it

You can lean—even without moving—with thoughts and decisions toward where you want to be.

Thanks to Rachel Miller for saving and sharing something I said during a presentation in Texas in April 2014.
photo by Sandra Dodd
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The giggles

The most rewarding benefits to our unschooling are the ones that are so much more difficult to describe. The soulful gazes, all the giggles, the joy, the "being in the moment," the connections, the love, the peace (very noisy peace), the flow of life (looks chaotic unless you're in it), and soooooooo much more.

—a mom named Rachel

the quote in context: SandraDodd.com/gettingit
photo by Hinano
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Smiles and laughter

For children to learn from the world around them, the world around them should be merrily available, musically and colorfully accessible, it should feel good and taste good. They should have safety and choices and smiles and laughter.

SandraDodd.com/nest
photo by Rodrigo Mattioli
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Up and above

Negativity will weigh you down and make life heavy. Hope and optimism will help you float up and above.

SandraDodd.com/abundance
photo by Abby Davis
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Relax now

It will be challenging as long as one is struggling.
It will stop being so challenging as soon as one relaxes.

---

SandraDodd.com/battle
photo by Sandra Dodd

Someday you might

We've used "someday you will" or "you just don't yet" about all kinds of things, from reading to caring about the opposite sex to foods. Holly doesn't like green chile yet. She figures she will ("When my taste buds die" she jokes), because her brothers didn't used to and now they do. Kirby lately started liking mushrooms. Marty still doesn't like spinach yet, but we haven't branded him "a spinach hater," and I don't think anyone should consider a child "a non-reader," just one who "doesn't read yet."

---

I wrote that years ago. I would like to soften it. "Don't yet" isn't as nice (or as true) as "might someday."

They did all learn to read, and I was confident that they would. But spinach, mushrooms and green chile might not be anyone's eventual go-to foods. It can seem to be pressure to say "Someday you will" about some things, but "someday you might" makes sense.

SandraDodd.com/r/encouragement
photo by Sandra Dodd

"Do you just..."

Unschooling isn't "just" doing anything. It's stepping mindfully toward more and greater peace and partnership—toward an easy environment for learning to happen all the time.

Words above, Sandra Dodd. Link, Pam Sorooshian:
SandraDodd.com/pam/howto
photo by Jihong Tang, of Orion and Sandra

If you borrow it...

"Be responsible for your own thoughts and feelings, and notice when your thoughts are borrowed."

—Cheri Tilford

The quote is not from this page, but it relates.
SandraDodd.com/phrases
photo by Sandra Dodd, at a McDonald's in India—
(note the Veg Pizza McPuff)

Thoughts, words, actions...

"I was frequently reminded that 'thoughts become words, words become actions, actions become habits, habits become your character and your character becomes your destiny'. My dad was gifted at helping me be more thoughtful with my words and actions, and make better choices. He was the kindest person I knew."

—Rippy Dusseldorp Saran

SandraDodd.com/alwayslearning/benefit
photo by Rippy Dusseldorp Saran
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Small things are big

Taking food to someone who is reading or playing a game or watching a movie and just putting it where he or she can reach it without any instructions, warnings or reminders is a great gift. It is a simple gesture, and a profound service.

SandraDodd.com/eating/monkeyplatter
photo by Hinano