Collecting ideas

Some people collect things. Even those who don't gather and store physical objects might like hearing all of one artist's music, or seeing all the movies by a single director. I used to want to go into every public building or business in my home town. I never succeeded, but I saw each building as "yes, have been inside," or "not yet."

It might not make sense to a parent that a child wants to save feathers or rocks or movie ticket stubs. That's okay. What's important is that the unschooling parent accept that there is thought involved that might not need to make sense to anyone else. If possible, the child's whims and wishes about such things should be accepted and supported.

Focus, Hobbies, Obsessions
photo by Sandra Dodd, of someone else's robots

Doing without a "have to"

The story quoted below is from nine years ago and involves a sixteen-year-old.

Marty is twenty-five now and is getting married in a couple of days.

---

Marty has an orthodonist appointment at 10:30 this morning, and works at noon. He has gone to ortho alone, and has taken Holly before. I asked yesterday if he wanted to go alone or me take him. He wanted me to go. He asked me to wake him up an hour before. He likes at least an hour before, and usually an hour and a half.

I forgot to wake him up, but I heard his alarm go off at 9:31 (and remembered I had forgotten).

He was tired and I offered to put a fifteen or twenty minute timer on and come and get him, but he said no, he wanted to get up.

There is a snapshot moment in the "don't have to" life of a sixteen year old boy.

I'm not saying that every child given leeway will be Marty.
I'm saying that every person who claims that leeway will inevitably cause sloth is proven wrong by Marty.

SandraDodd.com/sleeping
photo by Sandra Dodd, of Marty, a different morning in those same days

An active experience

Pam Sorooshian wrote:

In my park day group, the unschooled kids with freedom of choice to watch tv really clearly have their critical thinking engaged when watching tv. They "work" to get the joke, for example, on the Simpsons. They ask questions—they make connections to other things they know. TV is a more active experience for them than other kids. I know this from listening to them talk about it.

—Pam Sorooshian

SandraDodd.com/t/holly
photo is a link

One way or the other...

So how do you choose? You decide where you want to go before you decide to turn left or right, don't you?

Just like that.

The way to know the right direction is to identify the wrong direction.

SandraDodd.com/screwitup
photo by Sandra Dodd

Avoid punishments because...

No matter how "peaceful" the punishment might be, it still involves power and judgment and has a loser. A winner and a loser. Ultimately several losers, because the parents lose out on the chance to undo it, and the grandchildren might suffer similar losses of choice, freedom and happiness if the children aren't shown a better way.

Becoming the Parent You Want to Be
photo by Lisa Jonick

Upward

It can be a happy spiral upward, when feeling better about being a good mom makes one a better parent, and the child smiles and laughs, and the mom relaxes more.

SandraDodd.com/peace/mama
photo by Sandra Dodd, of a spiral Rex Begonia

Attentive, engaged, or zombified?

TV, its critics say, will cause a child to turn into a zombie. So does reading a book—they sit just staring. So does going to a concert, if they're polite concertgoers. So does attending a play—if they know how to go to a play, they will sit there for two hours with only one break, staring at the lit-up stage, not moving. Maybe laughing when appropriate, but going right back to that stony stare. Movie theater, same thing. Nobody says "I'm not taking him to the movies anymore; he sits there like a zombie."

---

Translation for Brits: "Cinema, same thing. Nobody says "I'm not taking him to films anymore; he sits there like a zombie."

SandraDodd.com/phrases
photo by Alicia Gonzalez

How to be

Deb Lewis wrote:

Unschooling works well when parents are interesting, positive, thoughtful, considerate, generous, passionate, honest, respectful individuals.

—Deb Lewis

SandraDodd.com/nest
photo by Sandra Dodd, of some cows just being

Lots of factors

Once upon a time (in December 2003), there was a very busy day. My kids were 12, 14 and 17 or so:

Yesterday we had from seven to seventeen kids here, in various combinations and not all at once. It was a madhouse. Seven was my low count because there are still seven here at the moment. At one point two were gone and were coming back, one was half-expected (and did show up) and Marty wanted to go to the dollar movies to see "School of Rock" with a subset of the day's count. Holly didn't want to go; her guest from England did. Kirby half wanted to go; the girls coming back wanted to see him particularly. So the discussion with Marty involved me helping him review the schedule, the logistics of which and how many cars, did he have cash, could he ask Kirby to stay, could we offer another trip to that theater the next day for those who'd missed it today, etc. I could have said "yes" or "no" without detail, but it was important to me for it to be important to Marty to learn how to make those decisions. Lots of factors.

Is there a difference between a Radical Unschooler and just an Unschooler?
photo by Sandra Dodd

Choose to have fun!

Karen James wrote:

Choose to have fun! Fear will hold you back. Guilt and shame will set in to cloud thinking and stunt progress. Having the courage to have fun in whatever pursuit thrills you most will most likely lead you to places you never expected to go."

—Karen James

SandraDodd.com/videogames/seriously
photo by Lisa Jonick

Your present moment

Embrace your present moment instead of yearning for what you don't have. I love the saying 'the grass is always greener where you water it.'

—Clare Kirkpatrick

SandraDodd.com/metime
photo by Sandra Dodd

The most important part

A mom named Maya wrote:

Living from principles, rather than fears, is the easiest way to grok unschooling, as far as I can tell. (But maybe it isn't easy, because it took me a long time to figure that out for myself, haha. I was all, 'what is all this rules vs. principles stuff anyway?' Now, in my unschooling, it seems like the most important part.)

—Maya

SandraDodd.com/principles
The forum where the original quote lived is gone now,
so I'm glad I had saved it!
photo by Sandra Dodd

A gift to the giver

"Being there unconditionally for our children nurtures the beautiful side of the human spirit that resides in each one of us. It cleans it. Reveals it. Keeps it fresh. It feeds it. It brings it to life. Makes it grow and helps it thrive. It's a gift to the receiver and to the giver, and it leads both parties to a greater understanding of what it means to love."

—Karen James

SandraDodd.com/growth
photo by Karen James

Happy, fun dishes

Finding ways not to be grumpy about dishes is a good model and practice field for other choices in life.

We get our dishes from thrift stores, mostly. If one of them bugs me, it can go back to the thrift store.

Sometimes when a mom is really frustrated with doing the dishes, it can help to get rid of dishes with bad memories and connections, or put them in storage for a while. Happy, fun dishes with pleasant associations are easier to wash.

SandraDodd.com/dishes
photo by Sandra Dodd

Why not?

"Why not" has helped me loose many constraints learned in childhood.

—Ren Allen

SandraDodd.com/rentalk
photo by Sandra Dodd, of a race with a human finish-line

The world all around them

Sometimes people ask how homeschooled children will move out into the world. Our children were never anywhere but in the world. They were present with us as much as they wanted to be. We let them be other places, without us, when they wanted to be. The world was always all around them, and they were always in their place in the world.

SandraDodd.com/interviews/bloggingboutboys
photo by Catherine Forest (a link to its home)

Feel full

If you dwell in the empty half of your glass, life will feel empty. If you dwell in the full half of your glass, life will feel full.

—Joyce Fetteroll

Abundance
photo by Sandra Dodd

Stand there gently

"Parents stand between school and their kids, but also between their kids and the hurts of previous generations. If they can stop those hurts being passed on, who knows what their kids can do!"

—Claire Horsley

SandraDodd.com/issues
photo by Sandra Dodd

Joyful memories

Look back and smile.

Think of happy moments and be glad you can remember.

The Evidence of Years, by Deb Lewis
photo by Sandra Dodd (click it)

Monstrous fun

What seems small to an adult can be the best thing in a child's season! Their imaginations are big and you can help them make magic.

---

Energy is shared, and that's how unschooling works. Whether I'm excited about something new, or my children are excited about something new, there's still newness and excitement enough to share.


The second paragraph is from "Balancing in the Middle Ground"
photo by PhoebeWyllyamz

Boo!

Knock knock. Who's there? Boo! Boo who? Please don't cry. It's just me.

SandraDodd.com/halloween
photo by Sandra Dodd

How you live...

How you live in the moment affects how you live in the hour, and the day, and the lifetime.

SandraDodd.com/balance
photo of Schuyler Waynforth, by Sandra Dodd

Candy and the future

A reminder!

If you haven't bought Halloween candy yet, get the best candy you can afford. If no one comes by, you still have it! If it all goes out into the community, it makes you a better person and your house will have sweeter associations for children who might grow up remembering.


from Halloween Candy and Choices or "Candy Gets Dusty"
photo by Sylvia Woodman

Oddments

Sometimes, if you're lucky, you'll come across something unexpected, like a full-sized inflatable coach.

Your life will be better if you smile and think "cool!" than if you have a less cool and smiley response.

Sometimes someone will unexpectedly come across you! Be smiling. Be cool.

SandraDodd.com/humor
photo by Sandra Dodd

A feast!

This morning I brought my 8-year-old son a snack as he was busy playing on the computer, and he said "Wow! A feast! One, because it is big. And two because it has yummy things on it." And he carried on playing. And now I am smiling.

—Dominique Trussler

SandraDodd.com/surprise
photo by Dominique Trussler
___

Reassurance

Joyce Fetteroll, to someone writing about "reassurance":

Seek reassurance in your daughter's smiles. Trust that it's a good thing if it makes her happy.

She doesn't want a textbook-perfect mother. She wants someone who is happy, relaxed, shares her interest in life, is delighted in her delight, who helps her get what she wants (in ways that are safe, respectful and doable). She wants you to look at her and see her rather than what the words "out there" say you should be seeing. She wants you to trust and support her, to be her partner as she explores life.

—Joyce Fetteroll

SandraDodd.com/being
photo by Sandra Dodd

Little meals make big memories

Some days lunch is medicinal—one child is sickly and could use soup or juice. One is off to a sports event, and carbohydrates are a good idea. One is sad, and would like comfort food. One is bored, and her sandwich could use a face.

Be as loose as a dancer, as variable as an actor, as thoughtful as a chessplayer, when you decide what to make for lunch sometimes!


Some holidays

Advantages of Eating in Peace
photo by Sandra Dodd

Toys

"Fill your house with peace, toys, interesting things, good food, and love."

—Colleen Prieto

SandraDodd.com/colleenprieto
photo by Sandra Dodd, of Holly's scene
(more about Barbie and unschoolers)

Say "okay" in a timeless way

When I said "okay" to Kirby I was saying okay to the little Sandra inside me who might otherwise have built up some jealous resentment about this new kid getting to do things I never got to do. It was healing to imagine that if my mom had been fortunate enough to have other influences and better circumstances maybe she would have said yes to me more often too.

SandraDodd.com/youngadults
photo of a little Kirby Dodd in the refrigerator,
by his mom, Sandra Dodd, back in the '80s

No other way

Read a little, try a little, wait a while and watch. There is no other way to learn this than gradually. There is no other way to learn to see clearly how it works than by trying it a bit at a time and seeing how putting learning first changes other things—how putting peace ahead of schedules changes things.

SandraDodd.com/readalittle
photo by Sandra Dodd