Impermanence

In New Mexico there's a kind of cool tradition, of having an old pickup in the back yard. We had this one.


Bonus points if it runs; this one usually did.

If it's turquoise? Jackpot. This one was.

Now, though, it's off to be used by an auto-shop class at Dulce Jr./Sr. High School. It was always a truck passed between Keith and his friend Bob, who was best man at our wedding.

Marty is getting married next month. His best man wasn't born yet when that truck was made. Neither of them went to school, as kids. The bride did. She was a cheerleader at Bernalillo High School.

My kids used to be together all the time, every day, feeling crowded, sometimes. Now they don't see each other for weeks or months.


Things change. Even in the best of peaceful circumstances, things change. Keep your balance, find gratitude and abundance, and accept changes gracefully when you can.

Images from the winter before Kirby moved away.
photos by Sandra Dodd

None of it and all of it

How much time does unschooling take?

It depends how you look at it. If you're looking for moments of one-on-one instruction or school work, it takes none of that. If you're looking for hours of mindful living with the hope and expectation of learning, then it will take all your time.

If you come to see and understand unschooling, then the question about how much time it takes will seem like asking "How many hours a day are you alive?"

Page 6 of The Big Book of Unschooling,
which leads to SandraDodd.com/howto
photo by Sandra Dodd

Listening and safety

"When kids know their parents are on their sides, when parents help them find safe ways to do what they want to do, then kids do listen when we help them be safe."

—Joyce Fetteroll

SandraDodd.com/partners/child
photo by Sandra Dodd

Love

Colleen Prieto wrote:

Look at your kids. Really look at them and see who *they* are and not who you want them to be. Get to know them. Be nice to them. Nicer than nice. Be kind to them. Love them and kiss them and hug them and Be with them. Play with them. Listen to them. Talk with them, not to them. Be patient and calm.

Love your spouse or partner, if you have one. Be kind and nice and patient with your spouse or partner too. Love them and hug them and see who they really are without trying to make them who you want them to be.

—Colleen Prieto

SandraDodd.com/colleenprieto
photo by Sandra Dodd
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Light on light

Sometimes light is from an Aha!! lightbulb moment.
Sometimes light is more information, or seeing from a new angle, "in a new light."
Sometimes light is from the sun, or the moon, or a fire.
Sometimes light comes from just lightening up. (Not "lightning up," or "lighting up," so spelling will make a big difference, in those lights.)

Live lightly.

Real Learning
photo by Rippy Dusseldorp

Laughter

"Laughter has helped my own family through hard times. Sure we would have come through the hard times anyway, but we came through them with less stress, fewer lasting scars, and lots of great one-liners."

—Deb Lewis

SandraDodd.com/deblewis/humor
photo by Sandra Dodd, candid still life in Laurie Wolfrun's kitchen

Things change; they learn

"Things change. Our kids get older. They outgrow stages we think they never will. They learn all they need to know, in their own time."

—Heather Booth

Overcoming Anxiety
photo by Sandra Dodd

The fullness within

"Sandra mentioned that her glass is not half empty, and that once she started looking at the fullness within, it overflowed. It is easy to end up in a morass of bitterness. It is so wonderful to have not done that."

—Schuyler Waynforth

SandraDodd.com/nest
photo by Sandra Dodd
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More violent than games

Playing a video game is not violent. Playing a game is sitting on a couch with a remote control.

Shaming a kid who wants to sit on the couch with a remote control, or somehow
preventing him from playing, is closer to violence than a kid causing the
character he's controlling to shoot an imaginary weapon at some pixels.

SandraDodd.com/violence
photo by Sandra Dodd
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Harvest

Fewer folks farm than used to. It's understandable.

Even without a farm, though, what's planted might grow. What is tended thrives.

Not everything can be controlled, but many things can be accepted and appreciated. Mentally gather up the positive results in your life and be grateful for your harvest.

SandraDodd.com/gratitude
photo by Sandra Dodd
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Connecting with Shakespeare

Pam Sorooshian, once upon a time:

Somebody once seemed concerned that my young kids loved to watch Much Ado About Nothing, over and over. They thought the subject matter was highly inappropriate for kids.

I asked Rosie, who was about 8 at the time, what the whole thing was about. She said, "Claudio thinks Hero kissed another guy."

—Pam Sorooshian

SandraDodd.com/strew/shakespeare
photo by Sandra Dodd (click to enlarge)

Victory

Janine Davies wrote:

Victory is what it feels like—the biggest victory in my life so far. I am my own healer and validator. Unschooling my every thought word and deed is my healer, my boys are the absolute proof of my victory and my healing. I am now a sweeter, kinder person—a less judgemental, critical and negative person. I have found again the joy, curiosity and fun that was squished (and often violently) out of my life so much as a child, and I can't get enough of it! Bring it on! Unschooling heals and rocks!

—Janine Davies
from a new page on healing

photo by Sandra Dodd

Share and revel

"Share your passions or interests with your kids and your partner, and revel in theirs."

—Colleen Prieto

SandraDodd.com/colleenprieto
photo by Sandra Dodd
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Like a dam bursting open

Once I started questioning those "have-to's", "shoulds" and "shouldn'ts" it was like a dam bursting open.

—Ren Allen

SandraDodd.com/rentalk
photo by Sandra Dodd
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The happiest days

"Funny how the happiest days are full of small joys instead of major undertakings."

—Ronnie Maier

SandraDodd.com/day/df
photo by Sandra Dodd
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In the moment

Pam Sorooshian wrote:

There are times in life that you won't feel like you can take care of others around you as well as you'd like. You need nurturing yourself and other people's neediness starts to be draining on you.

I've felt that, too.

But I've also found that if I focus more on "seeing" my kids with loving-eyes focus, consciously choose to pay attention to what I love about them, then I actually begin to feel more nourished and strengthened by them, and by the very acts of caring for them.

Partly what is so draining is that your mind is on other things while your kids want your attentiveness on them. So you feel pulled and that is stressful. If you can, try to stop thinking about the other stuff and focus on the little details of what you're doing at the moment. If your child wants pasta at midnight (just happened here), then you go put the water in the pot and put it on the stove. While you're doing that, concentrate on feeling the coldness of the water, the heaviness of the pot as it fills with water. Hear the sound of the water running.

It is late and I'm not being as articulate as I'd like—but what I'm saying is to practice being totally "in the moment" by noticing every sensation—sound, touch, smell, etc. Especially do this in regard to your children—touch them, smell them, listen to the sound of their voices, and so on.

Even if you only manage to get into this heightened state of mind for a minute or two at a time, do it as often as you think of it throughout your day. Each minute will be refreshing—it is a form of meditation that you can do while you're going about your daily activities.

—Pam Sorooshian

SandraDodd.com/breathing
photo by Janice Casamina Ancheta

Building or breaking

Every time you speak or act, you build or break. The softer you can be, the more whole they will be.


SandraDodd.com/direction
photo by Sandra Dodd

Mindful and thoughtful

Sylvia Woodman wrote:

I think people confuse "Say yes more" with "Never say no."

When you are moving toward unschooling it's important for parents to examine why they are saying "No" to their children. Is it for a good and real reason or is the parent saying no reflexively? I think it's an important mental exercise in creative thinking to examine "Why am I saying no?" There may actually be a good and real reason to say no. Maybe with a little creativity the answer can be yes. Maybe it can be "yes, but not now." Or "Yes, but not here."

To say "yes" reflexively is no more mindful than saying "no" thoughtlessly.

—Sylvia Woodman

SandraDodd.com/joyce/yes
photo by Rippy Dusseldorp

Something sweet

"Seeing your own child's bright eyes when you do something sweet can heal the child inside you who would have loved to have had someone do that to, for, with her, years ago."

—Sandra Dodd

SandraDodd.com/awareness
photo by Sandra Dodd

Thanks to Sara Vaz for saving and quoting this in public.

Human beings

Joyce Fetteroll wrote:

Most parenting approaches either treat kids like they're alien beings or like they're fellow adults.

Radical unschooling supports treating kids like human beings while taking into account their differences.

—Joyce Fetteroll

SandraDodd.com/joyce
photo by Karen James

Contrast

Sometimes it's the contrast that shows us clearly where we are now.


Reflections, Projections and Shadows
photo by Sandra Dodd
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Unexpected juxtaposition

The connection between humor and learning is well known. Unexpected juxtaposition is the basis of a lot of humor, and even more learning. It can be physical, musical, verbal, mathematical, but basically what it means is that unexpected combinations or outcomes can be funny. There are funny chemistry experiments, plays on words, math tricks, embarrassingly amusing stories from history, and there are parodies of famous pieces or styles of art and music.


SandraDodd.com/playing
La connexion entre l’humour et l’apprentissage est bien connue. Des juxtapositions inattendues sont la base d’un certain humour, et encore plus, de l’apprentissage. Cela peut être physique, musical, verbal, mathématique, mais au fond, ce que cela signifie, c’est que les combinaisons ou les résultats inattendus peuvent être amusants. Il y a des expériences chimiques amusantes, des jeux de mots, des jeux de maths, des textes historiques amusants et embarrassants, et il y a des parodies de pièces célèbres ou de styles artistiques et de musique.
SandraDodd.com/french/playing
photo by Sandra Dodd, of artsiness at Alex Polikowsky's house
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Direct and profound

Unschoolers are not sitting in the back corner of the homeschooling world doing nothing. We're doing something direct and profound.


SandraDodd.com/musicroom
photo by Sandra Dodd

Look around

You might be able to see a lot without moving.

photo by Deb Lewis

Tiny monsters

Parents would like to protect their children from all tiny monsters, but it can't be done. One of the greatest gifts you might give your child, your family and yourself is to learn to set an example of how to deal with surprise wounds and doubts, and to coach your children through their encounters with fear and disappointment with calming touch, cleansing breath, and shared hope.

We can't have safety but we can have peace and joy despite the tiny monsters.

SandraDodd.com/TinyMonsters
photo by Sandra Dodd
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Let them show you!

Unless your children are given a real opportunity to show you how children learn, to show you that it works, you will not see it.

SandraDodd.com/seeingit
photo by Rippy Dusseldorp

Make the next moment better.

Moments, not days.

Don't think of "bad days." One terrible moment doesn't condemn the rest of the day. One bad moment? Recover. Apologize, smile, be sweet, and make the next moment better.

SandraDodd.com/betterpartner

SandraDodd.com/moment
photo by Karen James

The little things

"Most of all listen and watch when they want to show you something. It might seem like a little thing to watch what your child wants to show you, but it’s important to them and it matters to them! The little things are the big things!"

—Laurie Wolfrum

SandraDodd.com/being
photo by Sandra Dodd

Becoming lighter

"Once I turned my head around and realized the wonder in me and curiosity that I felt for learning with my children a huge weight lifted off of me."

—Phoebe Wyllyamz

SandraDodd.com/wonder
photo by Sandra Dodd

Different food, future food

"When I think about the food I make for my daughter (if it's different from what I've made for my husband and myself), I think ahead to when she might be making me food because I am unable to."

—Robin Bentley

SandraDodd.com/food
photo by Sandra Dodd

Good to have

WHAT UNSCHOOLING PARENTS NEED patience enthusiasm joy curiosity ability to follow disjoint ideas and conversations willingness to come back to a topic willingness to let a topic drop

SandraDodd.com/beginning
photo by Sandra Dodd

So butter the toast!

"If he wants someone to butter his toast for him, buttering the toast is probably the easiest possible thing to do in that instance."

—Sandra Dodd

Quote saved by Christine Macdonald; thanks!
photo by Sandra Dodd

A spiritual gift

"I choose to be positive and to take every opportunity as a gift. So serving others becomes a great spiritual endeavor."

—Manuela Jaramillo

Part of something longer at SandraDodd.com/service
photo (a link) by Sandra Dodd

Good and right

Deb Lewis wrote:

A principle internally motivates you to do the things that seem good and right. People develop principles by living with people with principles and seeing the real benefits of such a life.

A rule externally compels you, through force, threat or punishment, to do the things someone else has deemed good or right. People follow or break rules.

Which is the hope most parents have for their kids? Do they hope their kids will comply with and follow rules, or do they hope their kids will live their lives making choices that are good and right?

—Deb Lewis

SandraDodd.com/rules
photo by Rippy Dusseldorp

Sort through as you go

Everyone can, should, sort through the bad examples and good examples around them and move choice by choice toward whatever their own images of "better" might be.

SandraDodd.com/choices
photo by Sandra Dodd

Close up

What's near seems Big! Stay close to your children so they will be big in your life.

SandraDodd.com/priorities
photo by Lisa Jonick

Bright and confident

I couldn't have predicted how easy it would be for them to learn to read starting with huge vocabularies, and without pressure and tests and measures. When they could read, they knew it because they started reading.

The symbols turned to language. When I started reading my vocabulary was very small, and the books we were reading didn't help that. I couldn't read anything outside of that first grade "reader," but the teacher told me I was reading.

Most people have never known a later reader who was bright and confident. I hadn't before I met unschoolers. Three fifths of my family now consists of people whose late reading was not detrimental, and I have made the acquaintance of many others like them.

SandraDodd.com/persephonics
photo by Sandra Dodd

The path to unschooling

It's the path to unschooling—to go toward the better things and away from the worse things.

Deschooling... "Like what?!" (chat transcript)
photo by Sandra Dodd

Don't use up all your tickets!

Sometimes I've advised people to pretend they only have three hundred "no's"—they have a little ticket they have to spend every time they say no. And they better save some because some people use them up before the kid’s three. What if your child grows up and you still have 150 tickets left that you can chuck in the trash? That’s pretty cool.

Improving Unschooling (radio interview, recording and transcript)
photo by Sandra Dodd

It's all around us.

Once there was heavy fog at our house. Kirby was four or five. He had never seen it at all, and this was as thick as I have ever seen fog. He wanted to go and touch it. I yelled "Let's go!" and we ran up the road, and ran, and ran. About seven houses up we got tired, and I said "Look" and pointed back toward our house, which was gone in the fog.

I did not say "See? You can't touch it, really, it's touching us, it's all around us."
I didn't say "Let's don't bother, it's just the same wherever in there you are."

I let him experience the fog. He learned by running in fog and smelling it, and losing his house in it.



Learning to See Differently
photo by Sandra Dodd

BE better

In the same time and with the same energy one might think "I plan to do better," or "I intend to be better in the future," one could *be* better right then, right there.

No planning or intentions are necessary to be better, in this moment, than one might otherwise have been. Each decision to make a better choice in thought, word or deed is what "better" is made of.

SandraDodd.com/being
photo by Sandra Dodd
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