Intentionally and carefully

For clarity of thought and for value of discussions about unschooling (or anything), it's important to use words intentionally and carefully. If a parent can't tell the difference between "consequences" and "punishment" and doesn't want to even try to, she'll probably keep punishing her children and telling herself it's not punishment, it's consequences. That muddled thinking can't lead to clarity nor to better parenting.

SandraDodd.com/semantics
Sandra and Kirby Dodd, under a sign at a barbecue place in Austin

Give it your all.

In an unschooling chat on March 12, Pam Sorooshian wrote:

I often think this way, "I've thought about this a lot and made my decision. Now I owe it to myself and my family to really truly embrace that decision and give it my all and not be wishy-washy about it."

Special Guest, Pam Sorooshian
photo by Sandra Dodd

Bright and happy eyes

[Of professionals who do research on children:]

They're looking at problems, and looking *for* problems.

If you turn and look the other way, you will see fewer problems, especially if you look at your own child's bright and happy eyes. And if your child has bright and happy eyes, do what you can to keep them that way.

SandraDodd.com/joy (the quote isn't there, but it's a good page)
photo by Sandra Dodd

Thoughtful and sweet

What you think you "have to" do makes you powerless and frustrated. What you choose to do is empowering, and should be done thoughtfully and sweetly.

SandraDodd.com/cairns
photo by Sandra Dodd
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Be, be, and you will be

Karen James (in part of something longer):

If parents wonder whether they should be more generous with their children, I would say yes. The more the better. Not in a give-them-everything-they-want kind of way. More in a give-them-as-much-of-yourself-as-you-can kind of way. Be open. Be generous. Be understanding. Be trusting and trustworthy. Be present. Be loving. Be compassionate. Be patient. Be helpful. Be kind.

You will be amazed at what you see.

—Karen James

SandraDodd.com/happy
photo by Sandra Dodd of Schuyler's family

See also Look

Curiosity and enthusiasm

"Develop your own sense of curiosity, wonder, fascination, and enthusiasm."

—Pam Sorooshian

SandraDodd.com/wonder
photo by Sandra Dodd

Seeing your roots

"Radical" means from the roots—radiating from the source. The knowledge that learning is natural to humans can radiate forth from that point in every direction.

SandraDodd.com/terminology
photo by Sandra Dodd
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Preventing regrets

Jenny Cyphers, quoting and commenting:
I ran across this little bit this morning, from Pam Sorooshian:

Self-recrimination is self-indulgent and not helpful to your children. Be fully present in the here and now. That's the antidote to regret.

Something I like about Pam is that she says so much in so few words! That one packs a punch! Or a soft hand on someone's shoulder, really.

When people talk about doing unschooling right, to me, this gets at the heart of it! Go and BE WITH your kids, don't let days go by in which regret happens, because the opposite of that is where the magic happens!

—Jenny Cyphers

More by
Jenny Cyphers and Pam Sorooshian
photo by Rippy Dusseldorp

Logic trumps reaction

Reactionary isn't always bad, unless someone moves in and lives there.

---

Do things that make sense.

Chat on Help has the first quote
and SandraDodd.com/readalittle is close to the second one.
photo by Gina Trujillo

Observation and more

"Wondering is what takes people—including children—from observation to something else, to asking questions and looking for answers."

—Meredith Novak

SandraDodd.com/meredithnovak
photo by Sandra Dodd

Change the way you see.

People don't become really good at unschooling without changing the way they see themselves and the world.

SandraDodd.com/radiotranscript
photo by Sandra Dodd
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Confident and independent children

Jihong Tang wrote:

I was told by being with them all the time, by saying yes most of the time, by not setting the boundary (in a traditional sense), by parenting without punishment, I would have clingy and spoiled kids. The reality is quite the opposite: they are very independent and well adjusted.

The simple truth: we just spend lots of time together and have lots of shared experience and memory. That makes big differences. It is 365x24x60x60 shared moments (31,536,000 seconds a year).

—Jihong Tang

SandraDodd.com/why
photo by Sandra Dodd

Learning

How will they learn to learn?

By learning.

SandraDodd.com/faq
photo by Sandra Dodd

Stop struggling

When someone says "I struggle with..." the answer is "stop struggling." Not to give up on change, but instead of struggling with the old thing, turn all the way away from it, and do the new thing. BE the new thing.

SandraDodd.com/decisions
photo by Dylan Lewis

There it is.

Robert Prieto wrote:

If strewing seems manipulative, think of Mother Nature. Nature has strewn a whole world out there, full of trees and people and birds and animals and rocks and shells and plants and bugs… We each get particular pieces of what she has to offer, based on where we live and how we live (urban/rural, traveler/homebody, etc.)—and those pieces are sitting right there for everyone to pick through, explore, enjoy, and learn from.

That is all strewing needs to be. Here's the world, kids—and here's a few things from that world that I think you in particular might like, or a few things that relate to you in some way. Have at it.

—Robert Prieto

I've changed this to past tense, later:Robert Prieto spoke at ALLive in Maine in September [2014].
There's a photo of him here: SandraDodd.com/strew/strew
photo by Sandra Dodd
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Do it

Do it,       and do it,             and quietly do it.

SandraDodd.com/doit
photo by Sandra Dodd

Produce happiness

Having a happy home comes from the creation and maintenance of happy conditions. Produce as much as you can. You'll fill yourself up and it will overflow, and your family might even have enough to share with friends and strangers!


That was written in explanation of having shared a quote I got from watching "Being Erica," a Canadian TV series, in which Dr. Tom (one of the main characters) quoted George Bernard Shaw: "We have no more right to consume happiness without producing it than to consume wealth without producing it."

photo by Julie D

Doing and being

They don’t live to grow up. They’re living in the present. They don’t relate to questions about what they will do later or be when they’re grown. They’re doing and being now.

SandraDodd.com/sustainable
photo by Colleen Prieto

Acceptance

Unschooling and relationships work better when one partner accepts the other's interests, hobbies and ways of being.

SandraDodd.com/acceptance
photo by Karen James

Safe place, time and space

The best unschooling parents aim to avoid punishments and shaming. They try to facilitate learning and joy, peace and happiness. They slowly and incrementally learn to make choices themselves and soon they can better assist their children in learning to make thoughtful choices. They try to nurture their children by creating a safe place, and time and space for them to play, to explore and to grow up whole and undamaged.

SandraDodd.com/betterpartner
photo by Karen James
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Work hard and happily

When I was a child and was assigned chores, I learned to do the job in a rudimentary fashion as quickly as possible. My kids never learned any such thing, and when they work at jobs, they work hard and happily.

SandraDodd.com/teenager
photo by Jill Parmer

Deep and clear

Pam Sorooshian wrote:

When we started unschooling, my mom kept saying that she was worried I would "lose myself" in it—that I wouldn't have time for myself. She was very very wrong. I found myself and very very deep meaning to life and a much more clear sense of what's important.

—Pam Sorooshian

SandraDodd.com/peace/mama
photo by Sandra Dodd

Where are you living?

Don't live in fear when you can live in joy.

SandraDodd.com/beginning
photo by Colleen Prieto

This line has been quoted twice before but not so briefly:
Live in joy (June 2012) and Time, change, learning

Holly likes green chile

Green chile is a New Mexico staple. Ten or twelve years ago, I wrote this, in a discussion about reading:

We've used this "someday you will" or "you just don't yet" about all kinds of things, from reading to caring about the opposite sex to foods. Holly doesn't like green chile yet. She figures she will ("When my taste buds die" she jokes), because her brothers didn't used to and now they do. Kirby lately started liking mushrooms. Marty still doesn't like spinach yet, but we haven't branded him "a spinach hater," and I don't think anyone should consider a child "a non-reader," just one who "doesn't read yet."

SandraDodd.com/r/encouragement
photo by Sandra Dodd

Simply put...

When you are kind, it changes the kind of person you are. When you are patient, it makes you a better person.

More simply put, kind is kinder, patient is more patient and better is better.

SandraDodd.com/mentalhealth
photo by Bruno Machado

A happy little life

"I concluded a year or so ago that, if there is such a thing as reincarnation, I'd like to come back as a little flame on a birthday candle sometime. It would be a very short cycle, but man, it would be a happy one."

—Gina Trujillo

SandraDodd.com/cake
photo by SouleMama

Protection can backfire

Something Joyce Fetteroll wrote in September 2010:

What if you live your life fearing the worst and guarding against it? Your child will grow up immersed in the idea the world is scary and stronger than he is and he needs armor (or mom) to protect him. (As much as you might try, you won't be able to hide your fears from him.) Is that what you want?


Or he'll think you're full of baloney. He'll see people doing the things you fear—like drinking soda—and they're healthy and strong. He'll then realize you don't know what you're talking about and tune you out. That won't be so good when your fears are justified (like about unprotected sex and drinking and driving.)

Those are worst case scenarios but it's likely he'll have a bit of those if you live your life protecting him from the world.

—Joyce Fetteroll

Related ideas: SandraDodd.com/trust.html
photo by Sandra Dodd

Slow down

"The biggest thing that helped me with young kids was just to slow down."

—Jill Parmer

SandraDodd.com/youngchildren
photo by Sandra Dodd

Joy and service

When you do things, look for the joy and service in them, and your life will be softer and more meaningful.


SandraDodd.com/service

SandraDodd.com/chores/gift

photo by Sandra Dodd, of ice as a bathtub toy

Sweeter and easier

"Young children have limits and boundaries—there are sooooooo many things they can't do for themselves, yet! Their world is full of things that are too big and complex for them to deal with, including their own needs. It's a great gift for them to have a special grown-up friend making their lives sweeter and easier so they can put their energy into exploring the world, not fighting against it."

—Meredith Novak

SandraDodd.com/partners/child
photo by Sandra Dodd

Bigger and wiser

Lisa Haugen wrote:

As I learn about myself and move toward being a person who is confident and secure and happy with who I am, that need to define what I like or don't like or agree or don't agree with has lessened quite a bit. I don't feel like less of a defined person because I've stopped having firm, clear lines around what I like or don't; I feel like more of a person—like my brain and my heart and my soul are so much bigger and wiser than I ever thought they could be, and I know myself much better.

—Lisa J Haugen

Mental Health ideas and links for unschoolers
photo by Sandra Dodd

Open

When I reject something from my life, it closes doors, in my head, and in my soul. I can't make connections there anymore. I have eliminated it from active play. It's not good for unschoolers.

Open and unfold, enlarge and expand.

SandraDodd.com/halfempty
photo by Sandra Dodd
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Finding patterns

Look up. Trees? Clouds? Arches or ceiling joists? Textured ceiling?

Look down. Snow? Sand? Grass? Dirt? Concrete, tile or wood? Water, maybe, or carpet. (Both at once would be bad.)

Pretend to see your thoughts. Slow? Calm? Racing? Repetitive?

Different days are different ways. In a moment, it might be different. Find good patterns.

Patterns and Connections
photo by Sandra Dodd