More careful than "authentic"

Once upon a time in 2007, I was responding to a mom who was being dismissive (of her children) and defensive (of the discussion):

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She:

I think that because of the tool we are using here to communicate that something is lost in translation.

I:

Don't try to use a saw as a hammer.

The tool we're using here can be used very well, but it takes thought and practice. No one is preventing reflection and proofreading. It's fine (and would be good) for you to hold a post and edit it carefully. Those who choose not to shouldn't complain about reactions.

She:

As powerful as words can be, the right attitude and heart behind the mistake can change how the words were perceived.

I:

Words can harm children forever. You're very unlikely to traumatize any of the moms reading here, but we can help you learn not to traumatize your children, and to think and write more clearly, if you want.

She:

Sandra also said, "Watch your thoughts, because without doing that you can't really learn to choose better reactions."
I agree with this in part.

I:

IN PART?

SandraDodd.com/authentic
photo by Rosie Moon

Deschooling and Games

Lyle Perry was one of my favorite unschooling-volunteer-helper writers, and the following were his responses to someone who shall remain nameless, who was complaining about Yu-Gi-Oh. The indented sections are Lyle's pull-punches-gently responses. —Sandra

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I wonder when he will ever learn anything!

Maybe he's wondering when you will ever SEE what he's learning. Maybe he's wondering when you will join him in what he's learning, or at least express some joy and satisfaction that he IS learning. (He IS learning, you know.)

That's all he talks about. Yu-Gi-Yo Cards

What do you talk about? Anything BUT Yu-Gi-Oh cards? It sounds like you're waiting for him to get through a "phase" or something so he can really get down to some serious learning. The problem is, he's already there, he's just waiting for you to catch up! You're the one that's behind. He's doing the learning, he's moved on, and you're still stuck on the same chapter. It's time to turn the page. Or better yet, put that book down, wrap it in some gasoline soaked newspapers, and offer it up as your last sacrifice to the School Gods. Their powers are obsolete now. Break free from the academic death grip they have on your mind and set yourself free!

And he doesn't know how to play the game, and I am so not interested in trying to teach the game.

Well, that's a pretty depressing attitude. Would you be interested in teaching him geography? Biology? Seismology? Are those the important things? Your things are important and his things are crap? If that's true, I don't blame him for not being interested in your stuff. Why should he get excited about your stuff when you look at his stuff with disdain and revulsion? Don't forget that he's learning something about the signals you're sending him too. He's learning ALL the time. Don't let him learn that his mom thinks what he does is stupid.

—Lyle Perry, the responses
(more here)

SandraDodd.com/focus
photo by Colleen Prieto

Kids first, positively

In a social group, if a mom gets comfortable, she can spend years just chatting with those other moms without paying much attention to her own children other than keeping them fed, clothed and safe. If they're in school, that's not so bad.

If they're unschooled, though, the bulk of her time and energy should be with, on, about THEM, and the family, and the relationships. Unschooling should be better than school; if it's not, the kids would be better off in school.

Any unschooler who wants to do just the bare minimum of what she "has to do" to be considered (by whom!?) an unschooler is NOT unschooling well or right. It needs energy, activity, interactivity, flow, sparkle, joy.

People who come [to a discussion group] with ANY amount of Eeyore attitude, and those who defend that, are dragging people under and I don't want to condone that or provide a forum for anyone to drag potentially joyful people into a hole, justifying complaints, collecting negativity.

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Please don't try to turn your unschooling into social groups. Don't look for "a tribe." Don't put your loyalty toward an unschooling group, or a conference. When that group becomes complacent, or negative, then you will, too.

Find a way to unschool confidently, even if all your other friends buy a curriculum or put their kids in school.

SandraDodd.com/positivity
photo by Annie Regan

(source, on facebook)

Seeing and living harmoniously

I don't really care as much about the definition of unschooling as I do about helping real individual families to unschool in a way that works, that can last, and not just be a temporary respite from school or curriculum, but that can be sustained and enlarging in and for their whole family. If learning stops where "parenting" starts, how will unschooling be "learning from life"? . . . .

It doesn't matter if no two families decide on a definition. But when I'm asked "How did you do that?" I'm going to be honest. It's not about academics. It's about having changed how I saw the world and children, and then living harmoniously with my children in a world I *know* to be filled with all the elements they need to thrive. I suppose someone could spend a lot of volunteer time telling people how to unschool without changing their attitude or parenting. I haven't seen that, though, because I don't know of any truly happy and successful unschoolers who have clung to traditional parenting. If it can work, no one who's doing it has come out and helped others do it that way too.


From a 2004 discussion on why unschooling isn't 'just' unschooling, or something
photo by Cátia Maciel

Atmosphere and attitude

Joyce Fetteroll, in an interview:

"A rich environment" is everything, not just what’s in the house, but the stuff that families do outside the house, the opportunities available, and the parents’ own attitude. It’s the parents’ attitude that creates the atmosphere, the attitude toward curiosity, play, and towards the kids. A rich environment lets kids explore their interests while also swirling opportunities through their lives to discover new interests.

—Joyce Fetteroll

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That is the middle of five paragraphs, in which Joyce describes unschooling. I've saved it at "What is Unschooling?" (linked below).

SandraDodd.com/definitions
photo by Holly Dodd

One tricky moment

Deb wrote:

If we recognize a difficult moment as one tricky moment in a day of potential great moments we're more likely to have a better attitude all day long.

—Deb Lewis

SandraDodd.com/mistakes
photo by Irene Adams

Love. Generosity. Simple and kind.

Over the years when people have said, "But I have to wash the dishes," people such as Deb Lewis and Joyce Fetteroll have made many sensible and sometimes shocking suggestions. People could get cheap dishes at garage sales and throw them away. They could use paper plates and burn them for fuel, or throw them away or compost them. They could eat over the sink or stove. They could make food that doesn't need plates, and use paper towels, or newspaper or printer paper. They could eat out.

Some people say "But cockroaches will come," or "our house has ants" or "mice."

Submerge the dishes in water until morning, and they'll be easy to wash. Get a dishwasher.

But the attitude that someone has to wash the dishes gets in the way of seeing options.

Wash dishes because you want to. What would make you want to? Love. Generosity. A desire to have an available kitchen, a clean slate, a fresh canvas. The wish to do something simple and kind for yourself and others. The wish to keep peace in your house. ...

There's more before that, and after that:
Washing Dishes
photo by Sandra Dodd

other dishes, from around the world,
in photos on Just Add Light and Stir

Kindness and a joyous attitude

Hema Bharadwaj, in an interview:

Sandra:
If you could give all unschoolers something by magic to help them succeed, what would it be?

Hema:
Kindness and a joyous attitude in the face of any adversity, small or large. This is what I wish for myself too.

"India, New Jersey,and the Civil War"
photo by Ravi Bharadwaj

Happiness is helpful

Katy Jennings, when her son was twelve, about not requiring chores:

Another thing that was recommended that has really helped me is finding Joy in cleaning up.... Choosing to do housework with a positive attitude really helped me, my outlook, my happiness—and more importantly helped Richard be happier. And when he is happier, he helps me more🙂, though really wasn't my goal.

When the kitchen is clean, Richard is much more likely to rinse his plate, but if the sink is full of dishes, he just adds it to the pile. One trick for the kitchen that works in my house, keep a sink full of soapy water, it is ok if it gets cold. Dishes used throughout the day can just be tossed into the soapy water. Then when it is time to do the dishes they have already soaked and the job is easy. If the water gets too nasty that is ok too, make a new batch of soapy water or just use dishsoap on a cloth to wash then as you take them out of the water. I love paper plates too. I am kind of a tree hugger, so that used to bother me. Not anymore though. My son is more important. Also I live in a desert and doing dishes takes water that we need to conserve! 🙂

Katy Jennings
Alamogordo, New Mexico

SandraDodd.com/chores/shift
photo by Sandra Dodd

Negotiations, commerce (not bribery)

I think we were discussing offering an older child money to read to a younger child, or to play with them at their level; kind of an occasional in-house mother's helper situation. Someone asked about bribery; my response follows. —Sandra

How do you go about it without it feeling like/being bribery? I'm guessing it is in attitude and wording, but I can't imagine a way to word it that it doesn't sound like bribery to me...? Thanks for the idea!

How do places of business get people to go to work without "bribery"?
How do you get an auto dealer to give you a car without bribery?

If someone's supposed to do something anyway and holds out on you until you pay them or give them something, that's a bribe. If something is not someone's job or someone's property and they negotiate for an exchange, that's commerce, not bribery.

There are some truisms that are spoken without real examination and I think the very vague rules against bribery of children are right up top there.

SandraDodd.com/bribery
photo by Cátia Maciel

Light and playful

Some people think of play as frolicking, or as make-believe, but it can be a pervasive mood and include the way people bring groceries in, and watch movies, and sort laundry and sing in the shower.

A light and playful attitude changes everything.


"Mindful Parenting" - Ren Allen with Sandra Dodd
(written exchange in advance of a conference presentation; sound file there)
photo by Sadie Bugni

Access to tools

Karen James wrote:

Cultivating an attitude of gratitude for the many gifts in my life has taken me from a place of hopelessness in my mind, to one of abundant possibilities. Because my life *looks* more abundant to me, every moment holds more potential. That doesn't mean my life is all wonderful and easy. It does mean that I have access to more emotional, creative, and intellectual tools to help me move toward the kind of life I want for myself and my family.

—Karen James

SandraDodd.com/gratitude
photo by Amy Milstein

More happiness

It's easy to say if there's not an objective measure of happiness that it's not worth talking about, but each person knows when she's happier and when she wishes things were a little better. If small changes of attitude can make more happy moments than before, that benefits everyone involved.

No one can have perfect happiness, but *more* happiness is easy to come by. It doesn't cost any more than less happiness, but it's much healthier and better for the whole family and the neighbors and relatives.

SandraDodd.com/happy
photo by Gail Higgins

Better now

The second you have a positive attitude, even fleetingly, your life is better, right then.

SandraDodd.com, any page
photo by Sandra Dodd, a library in Bangalore

Simply good

Karen James, on deschooling:

Think creatively. Think joyfully. Cultivate an attitude of enthusiasm and awe at as many things you can find in a day, especially the ordinary things or those things you've looked upon with skepticism and fear.

Be thankful. Notice little things throughout the day that are simply good. The health of your children. The pattern on the soap bubbles in your kitchen sink. How perfect a favourite mug feels in your hand or looks on a shelf. A laugh. An easy moment. The breeze. The sunshine. A connection with a loved one. A touch in passing. A deep breath. A full moon. A cat purr. A hole-free sock. 😉

—Karen James

SandraDodd.com/karenjames/deschooling
photo by Ester Siroky

Healthy attitudes

"I don't believe sugar is addictive. I believe some people naturally like sweets more than others and I believe our attitude about sugar, about any food, creates more problems than the food itself. I think one of the best things we can do to ensure a healthy attitude about foods for our kids is to not screw up their psychology with fear and guilt and dire warnings."

—Deb Lewis

The quote is the conclusion of a longer story by Deb Lewis here: SandraDodd.com/eating/sugar
photo by Sandra Dodd, of cupcakes by Julie Anne Koetsier

In 2011, when the quote was posted, there were two good comments you can see here.

Small changes

Each person knows when she's happier and when she wishes things were a little better. If small changes of attitude can make more happy moments than before, that benefits everyone involved.

SandraDodd.com/happy
photo by Roya Dedeaux

Service and abundance

Service is an expression of love for me. It really depends on the attitude, doesn't it? Like the half full or half empty cup....although for me it is neither but plenty in it to go around.

— Nicole Kenyon

Responses to the Question about Service
photo by Cathy Koetsier

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Yesterday's link to SandraDodd.com/abundance didn't work, but it's fixed now, and is related to today's quote, too.

Soft, peaceful, relaxed mom

Sylvia Woodman, responding to a mom who had written:

"I'd just like to share that I have also relaxed my militant attitude..."

I'm glad to hear that you are relaxing! I bet if your daughter could choose between a Militant Mom and a Soft, Peaceful, Relaxed Mom she would prefer the latter over the former. 🙂

—Sylvia Woodman

Soft and Sweet
photo by Rippy Dusseldorp

Phrases to avoid

"Have to…"

"I was forced to…" or "We forced him to…"

No choice but to…

Your thoughts affect your body. Your moods change your health. Your attitude shows in your face. Negativity will be contagious and harmful to your children.

When you speak or write or hear the words that paint your life as powerless and harsh, rephrase. If you have time, think about where those things came from. If you can trace them back to a certain voice or incident in your memory, remember that, and be prepared the next time.

SandraDodd's Big Book of Unschooling
page 196, or 226 in 2019 edition
photo by Holly Dodd

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Good online matches are Choices and the page on Negativity.