Make Choices

People have thoughts and reactions every half a second. Question them all. Witness and consider them all. Make choices. Make choices that move you toward being more at peace with your child.

SandraDodd.com/choice       SandraDodd.com/ifonly

SandraDodd.com/mindfulness       Quote's source, on Always Learning

photo by Cátia Maciel

Intelligent choices

Unschooling parents who have spent years giving their children freedom and options have learned that limitations create need while freedom creates intelligent choices.

SandraDodd.com/myths

SandraDodd.com/choice
photo by Cátia Maciel

One peaceful choice

Lisa J Haugen wrote:

I make one peaceful choice, one bonding, relationship-building choice. Just one little choice.

Then it's easier to make the next one, and the next one, and sometimes there's wobble, but rebuilding peace and self esteem one choice, one moment at a time, is doable! When you do that you can get to really sweet, joyful, soul-warming places.

—Lisa J Haugen

SandraDodd.com/choices
photo by Sandra Dodd

One peaceful choice

Lisa J Haugen wrote:

I make one peaceful choice, one bonding, relationship-building choice. Just one little choice. Then it's easier to make the next one, and the next one, and sometimes there's wobble, but rebuilding peace and self esteem one choice, one moment at a time, is doable! When you do that you can get to really sweet, joyful, soul-warming places.

—Lisa J Haugen

SandraDodd.com/choices
photo by Sandra Dodd

The openers of doors

"The idea of Unschooling is for parents to be the facilitators of options, the openers of doors, the creators of environments of freedom, and the guardians of choice, not the installers of roadblocks and barriers. Unschoolers are making the huge and wonderful choice to renounce our legal entitlements to be the authoritarian controllers of our children's lives, and instead choose to be their partners." —Robyn Coburn

SandraDodd.com/choice
photo by Edith Chabot

Intentions matter.

Robyn Coburn wrote:

Intentions matter.

Guidance offered from the place of partnership and Trust has a different feeling, avoids rebellion, and is just plain less focused on the trivial. Guidance means optional acceptance instead of mandatory compliance. Guidance means parents being safety nets, not trap doors or examiners. Guidance facilitates mindfulness. Directives shut it down, and may even foster resentment instead.

The idea of Unschooling is for parents to be the facilitators of options, the openers of doors, the creators of environments of freedom, and the guardians of choice, not the installers of roadblocks and barriers. Unschoolers are making the huge and wonderful choice to renounce our legal entitlements to be the authoritarian controllers of our children's lives, and instead choose to be their partners.

SandraDodd.com/choice
photo by Sandra Dodd, inside a tile shop in Austin
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Choosing not to "have to"

Please don't think that you "have to." Then it won't be a fun choice you've made.

There are a few phrases that can keep parents from really relaxing into unschooling. Letting go of "teaching" and "have to" will go a long way toward seeing learning and choices. And not just seeing them, but feeling them comfortably, living with them, and with them in you.

SandraDodd.com/haveto and SandraDodd.com/wordswords
photo by Eva Witsel

Ought to "have to"

The phrases "ought to" and "supposed to" are so old, and have been recited for so many years (hundreds of years) without conscious thought that people don't even think about what they literally mean. "Supposed to" is kind of easy; you can deconstruct it, and it loses a lot of power. "Ought" is related to owing and debt. Obligation. No choice except dishonor.

"We're supposed to..."

"We ought to..."

"We have to..."

Use those with care, and thought.

SandraDodd.com/haveto

SandraDodd.com/mindfulofwords
photo by Ester Siroky
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Our own real thoughts

In your head, you have some repeating-loop messages. Some are telling you you're doing a good job, but I bet some of them are not. Some are telling you that you have no choice, but you do.

We can't really think until we think in our own words without the prejudicial labels and without mistaking the voices in our heads for our own real thoughts.

SandraDodd.com/voices

SandraDodd.com/witness
photo by Christine Milne

Learning not to "have to"

Please don't think that you "have to." Then it won't be a fun choice you've made.

There are a few phrases that can keep parents from really relaxing into unschooling. Letting go of "teaching" and "have to" will go a long way toward seeing learning and choices. And not just seeing them, but feeling them comfortably, living with them, and with them in you.

SandraDodd.com/haveto and SandraDodd.com/wordswords
photo by Eva Witsel

A better choice

Pam Sorooshian wrote:

My suggestion to you is to focus on making a "better" choice each time you can. I think that was the most helpful advice I got as a parent of younger kids—it was surprisingly practical and encouraging to simply consider at least two choices and pick the better one. The next time, try to think of the one you did choose and then one other—pick the better one. If you make a choice you're unhappy with, after the fact, think then about what would have been a better choice—have that one 'on hand' for next time.

Don't expect to be perfect, but expect yourself to be improving all the time.

—Pam Sorooshian

SandraDodd.com/betterchoice
photo by Sandra Dodd, of something Keith Dodd carved

Ought to "have to"?

The phrases "ought to" and "supposed to" are so old, and have been recited for so many years (hundreds of years) without conscious thought that people don't even think about what they literally mean. "Supposed to" is kind of easy; you can deconstruct it, and it loses a lot of power. "Ought" is related to owing and debt. Obligation. No choice except dishonor.

"We're supposed to..."

"We ought to..."

"We have to..."

Use those with care, and thought.

SandraDodd.com/haveto

SandraDodd.com/mindfulofwords
photo by Ester Siroky
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Realizing you have a choice

I accidentally deleted a post, and am replacing it. I also fixed a typo. It might go out by e-mail again, and I'm sorry! At least you have a photo of me dressed as a tree, and I hope that will make you feel better. —Sandra

A mom named Cat wrote:

There seem to be some people in the world who do not believe that they have choices—instead feeling that there are some number of things that they *have* to do. (And that their children will *have* to do).

The same people seem to me to tend not to think of "joy" as a sufficient goal, either—maybe the two attitudes are related?

Maybe until people realize that they CAN choose, they are already constrained and stopped—without even the benefit of having made the conscious choice to stop. I am coming to think that realizing that *one has a choice* a necessary prerequisite to ever "getting it" about radical unschooling.

—Cat

SandraDodd.com/gettingit
photo by photo by Ravi B., of Hema and Sandra

Choose not to snark

When I'm tired or hungry or don't feel well, I have to be more thoughtful about how I talk to my husband and how I think about him, because it's easy for me to slip into a negative place and to focus on the things he didn't do that I wish he had or the things he did that annoyed me.

One of the best things I've done for our marriage is to be more quiet when I'm tired/hungry/not feeling well. In those instances, I'm more prone to feel like snarking at my husband, or commenting on something he did / didn't do, or otherwise saying something that would be hurtful to him.

What goes along with that, for me, is to remind myself of the things he *does* do. And also to remind myself that "it's not all about ME!!" If the trash is full and he doesn't take it out when he heads outside, him not taking it has nothing whatsoever to do with me, in spite of what my tired/hungry/cranky brain may want to think in that moment. 😉

When you're feeling competitive with your husband, be aware of what you're thinking and be aware of how easy it could be, in that moment, to snark at him. Then make the choice to not snark at him. And make the choice to think nice thoughts about him, to think about the nice things he does for you and your daughters. Be the one to make the better choice in that moment, to not say or do something that contributes to the competitiveness.

—Glenda (wtexan)

SandraDodd.com/change/
photo by Cátia Maciel

That voice

"Be their support system. I want so much for my kids to grow up and hear that mommy voice in their head saying positive supportive things, not tearing them down, but encouraging them—and especially not a voice to be resisted." —Pam Sorooshian

SandraDodd.com/choice
photo by Sandra Dodd

What is choice?

Someone was writing about what she "had to" do.

My response (saved by Schuyler Waynforth; thanks!):

You are inviting powerlessness into your life and keeping it there by using that phrase.

You wrote -=-how freeing it was to realize we didn't have to KEEP UP-=-

How much more freeing to think "we can choose not to keep up." It might seem to you the same thing, or the other side of the same coin. But coins' sides are NOT the same.

Choice is not the other side of a "have to" coin. It is the antidote to a have-to poison. Choice dissolves the roof and ceiling of a have-to cell.

SandraDodd.com/haveto
photo by Sandra Dodd
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Choose more

Part of Pam Sorooshians's response to the idea that unschoolers are lazy:

Ask yourself really honestly, is there something more I could be doing for my child that would enhance my child's life? If the answer is yes, then make the choice to do it. Then ask this question of yourself again and again and, each time, make the life-enriching choice. Apply this to small things and to big momentous decisions. Small things—could I make something for dinner that would be special and interesting? Did I see a cool rock on the ground outside—could I bring it in and wash it and set it on the table for others to notice. Big things—would my child enjoy traveling? Can we take a family vacation that involves exploring things my child would find interesting?

In unschooling, 'lazy' means not thinking about enriching and enhancing your child's life. You change this by doing it—one choice at a time."

—Pam Sorooshian

SandraDodd.com/lazy/parents
photo by Sandra Dodd

Choosing freely

Wanting to learn, and making the choice to be in a school when one has the choice to leave without shame or punishment is a world apart from "no choice" and "have to."

SandraDodd.com/teen/college
(the quote is from page 262 (or 303) of The Big Book of Unschooling)
photo by Sandra Dodd
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Choose more

Part of Pam Sorooshians's response to the idea that unschoolers are lazy:

Ask yourself really honestly, is there something more I could be doing for my child that would enhance my child's life? If the answer is yes, then make the choice to do it. Then ask this question of yourself again and again and, each time, make the life-enriching choice. Apply this to small things and to big momentous decisions. Small things—could I make something for dinner that would be special and interesting? Did I see a cool rock on the ground outside—could I bring it in and wash it and set it on the table for others to notice. Big things—would my child enjoy traveling? Can we take a family vacation that involves exploring things my child would find interesting?

In unschooling, 'lazy' means not thinking about enriching and enhancing your child's life. You change this by doing it—one choice at a time."

—Pam Sorooshian

SandraDodd.com/lazy/parents
photo by Sandra Dodd
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Work can be fun

When the adults are happy and the children have choices, work can be fun.

SandraDodd.com/choice
photo by Sabine Mellinger