Choices, for partners

When you choose to say something or to wait, think of which will be more patient, or less critical. If you decide to say something, think of two things and choose the one that is closer to the person you want to be. If you choose not to say anything, consider your posture and demeanor. Choose to be gentle, and not to express negative emotion.

Sometimes choose quiet space, but not hateful silence.

With practice, it gets easier.


SandraDodd.com/betterpartner
photo by Sandra Dodd
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Concerned and attentive

Just as being kinder and gentler with a child makes one a kinder, gentler parent, being more attentive and concerned about a spouse or partner makes that person, in turn, more attentive and concerned.

It doesn't happen all at once, and you can't send them the bill. You can't count or measure it. It has to be selfless and generous. Your kindness needs to be given because it makes you kinder, not because you want any further reward.


From The Big Book of Unschooling, page 270 (page 311, in 2nd edition)

Also see: SandraDodd.com/betterpartner
photo by Marin Holmes

Peace and happiness

The best unschooling parents aim to avoid punishments and shaming. They try to facilitate learning and joy, peace and happiness. They slowly and incrementally learn to make choices themselves and soon they can better assist their children in learning to make thoughtful choices. They try to nurture their children by creating a safe place, and time and space for them to play, to explore and to grow up whole and undamaged.

SandraDodd.com/betterpartner

photo by Karen James

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Time and space

When you find ways to offer your partner space and time to be alone, it will eventually benefit the whole family.

SandraDodd.com/betterpartner
photo by Shawn Smythe Haunschild
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Make the next moment better.

Moments, not days.

Don't think of "bad days." One terrible moment doesn't condemn the rest of the day. One bad moment? Recover. Apologize, smile, be sweet, and make the next moment better.

SandraDodd.com/betterpartner

SandraDodd.com/moment
photo by Karen James
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Remember "partnership"

Being patient and compassionate with a child who is sad or hungry or tired or maybe teething or frustrated with his friends is good. Feeling good makes you calmer and more confident. It will give you stores of calm and clarity so that you can remember that your spouse might be sad or hungry or tired, maybe aging, aching, or frustrated with his co-workers and friends.

If you have come to feel adversarial in any way toward your partner, remember "partnership." Help him or her follow interests or hobbies or to take care of collections, or to see a favorite TV show. Support his interests. Being nicer makes you a nicer person.
SandraDodd.com/betterpartner
photo by Joyce Fetteroll
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Gradually easier

When it starts to become a habit for a parent to consider peace, safety, acceptance, choices, service and gratitude in everyday decision making, parenting gradually becomes easier.



SandraDodd.com/betterpartner
photo by Colleen Prieto

Incremental change

Change takes time. Don't send the bill. Don't "be nice" for two months and then say "I was nice and you weren't any nicer to me!" Be nice because being nice is better than not being nice. Do it for yourself and your children.

SandraDodd.com/betterpartner
photo by Ester Siroky
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Helpful and supportive

I have suggested to parents of infants to imagine that a child comes with a book of coupons for saying "No" 200 times (pick a number; I've said 300 before, too). That is how many times a parent can say "No," and the child really listen.

So it's good not to use them all up in the first year or two, because the child won't hear you anymore. It's good to save a few dozen for when they're teens and it's crucial.

To extend that to marriage, how many hateful statements can a relationship endure? How many fights will crack the foundation? Keep hate out of your house. Only say helpful, supportive things.

Parents who wouldn't dream of telling a child he is stupid seem not to notice saying similar things to that child's other parent. Don't be hateful, and save your fights for very important things in the distant future. (If the rest of this goes well, you might never need those.)

SandraDodd.com/betterpartner
photo by Cátia Maciel

More accepting

Being with our children in direct and mindful ways made us kinder, gentler and more accepting. We were more playful and full of wonder, as we saw the world through their eyes.

SandraDodd.com/betterpartner
photo by Allison Waters, who wrote
"My son and nephews, all unschoolers, watching
'Howl's Moving Castle' and waiting for tea!"

Shared joy

Happy memories are good glue.

The quote is from SandraDodd.com/betterpartner,
but it applies to kids' friendships, and to family memories.
photo by Sandra Dodd
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Gradually easier

When it starts to become a habit for a parent to consider peace, safety, acceptance, choices, service and gratitude in everyday decision making, parenting gradually becomes easier.



SandraDodd.com/betterpartner
photo by Colleen Prieto

To help a marriage

Karen James, posting on Always Learning:

Find things you both enjoy and try to make time and space for them. Include the kids or get a sitter. Chat while you're doing things together. Listen well when you have the opportunity. Learn more about your husband. Show him you're interested. Take steps to support him. Share a bit more of yourself—the positive things. The things you love. The things that inspire you. Laugh as often as you can. Smile more. Breathe deep and be present. Those things have all strengthened my marriage.

—Karen James

SandraDodd.com/betterpartner will match.
The original is here.
photo by Chrissy Florence
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Improving the flow

One of the nicest thing I do for my husband is to withhold criticism. I could (and used to, when we were younger) say too much, comment too much. Letting things go by lets peace and love flow in.

P.S. It works with children, too.

SandraDodd.com/betterpartner
or the same article in German: Bessere Partner werden
(though the quote is from a discussion)
photo by Sandra Dodd (it's a link)
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Remember "partnership"

Being patient and compassionate with a child who is sad or hungry or tired or maybe teething or frustrated with his friends is good. Feeling good makes you calmer and more confident. It will give you stores of calm and clarity so that you can remember that your spouse might be sad or hungry or tired, maybe aging, aching, or frustrated with his co-workers and friends.

If you have come to feel adversarial in any way toward your partner, remember "partnership." Help him or her follow interests or hobbies or to take care of collections, or to see a favorite TV show. Support his interests. Being nicer makes you a nicer person.
SandraDodd.com/betterpartner
photo by Joyce Fetteroll
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People change

Be generous with your patience. Life is long. People change, and more than once.

SandraDodd.com/betterpartner
photo by Sandra Dodd

Don't count, don't measure

Don't divide anything "fifty/fifty." Forget that concept. Give what you have. Do all you can do. Give/do 80% when you can, but only measure it vaguely, at a squint, and then forget about it. If you aim for half, there will be resentments. If you aim for 100%, small failures will seem larger than they need to be, so don't do that. You can succeed at "lots" without measuring.

If each of you gives as much as you can, your shared needs will be fulfilled more quickly, more easily, and more often.


That was advice sent to our friend Sadie, for her bridal shower. It works for roommates and other dyads, too. I quoted it here: SandraDodd.com/betterpartner
photo by Lisa Jonick

Be abundantly supportive.

It is possible for someone to see through a lens of negativity. Pessimism and cynicism can do irreversible damage to relationships, so dismantle those if you're living with them in you. In your choice making, in your moments, choose to see the good side of each coin. Decide to see what you have, with eyes of gratitude. See the abundance around you. Be abundantly supportive. Be someone another will be grateful for.

SandraDodd.com/betterpartner
photo by Janine (it's a link)
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Make the next moment better.

Moments, not days.

Don't think of "bad days." One terrible moment doesn't condemn the rest of the day. One bad moment? Recover. Apologize, smile, be sweet, and make the next moment better.

SandraDodd.com/betterpartner

SandraDodd.com/moment
photo by Karen James
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Choices, for partners

When you choose to say something or to wait, think of which will be more patient, or less critical. If you decide to say something, think of two things and choose the one that is closer to the person you want to be. If you choose not to say anything, consider your posture and demeanor. Choose to be gentle, and not to express negative emotion.

Sometimes choose quiet space, but not hateful silence.

With practice, it gets easier.


SandraDodd.com/betterpartner
photo by Sandra Dodd
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