Being more present will help.

When connection is good, parents see up close their children's needs, wishes, delights, hesitations, frustrations, joys, interests, ways, limitations and so on, and creatively support them there.

When connection is less good, parents sometimes see their children as needy, demanding or unreasonable, and focus on dealing with practicalities rather than on the child and her needs.

—Debbie Regan

SandraDodd.com/being
(but the quote is from an Always Learning post here)
photo by Colleen Prieto
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See the joy and learning

Look at your child directly, and not through the lens of other people's fears. See the joy and learning and doing and being. Be with your child in moments, not in hours or weeks or semesters.

Being Present in the Moment
photo by Sandra Dodd
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Doing and being

They don’t live to grow up. They’re living in the present. They don’t relate to questions about what they will do later or be when they’re grown. They’re doing and being now.

SandraDodd.com/sustainable
photo by Colleen Prieto

Happy mom

A mom was worried about intellectualizing too much, and not being fully present with her young child. I wrote:

Nobody's still and at kid-speed all the time. But if you can figure out how to do it sometimes, then you can choose to do it, or choose to go faster, but to bring him along in a happy way.

Instead of saying "Come on, let's go!" maybe you could have picked him up and twirled him around and said something sweet and by the time he knows it he's fifty yards from there, but happy to be with his happy mom.

From the "possibilities and joy" section of Parenting Peacefully
photo by Sandra Dodd
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Savor the present

Taste your food, or holiday sweets, and feel the familiarity that you might miss someday.


SandraDodd.com/being
clickable photo by Sandra Dodd
(well all photos are clickable, but this one leads somewhere)
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Parental improvement

Sometimes parents are needy, and unschooling can help. They can feel fulfilled by being a present, focused, direct parent.

I've gained a lot of happiness from being a good parent. Not "better than," but as good a parent as I could figure out how to be. Better than I would have been if I hadn't focussed on that.

SandraDodd.com/peace/becoming
photo by Holly Dodd
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Little adjustments

Solve problems before they become problems. (Part of being present!) Notice the direction things are heading and change things. Don't let them get hungry, tired, testy to the point where they're hitting or destroying things. Food. Naps. Go home. Put on a video. Draw one away to do something totally different.

—Joyce Fetteroll

SandraDodd.com/being/healing
photo by Sandra Dodd
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More time

The best thing that ever happened to me was that being a present, attentive, happy mother became one of my passions. When moms start sorting their "own time" from their children's time, their time as a mother from their time as a person, then they're going to be unhappy, or their children will be unhappy. If a mom can become a partner to her children, they are less needy and she will have more time. It seems crazy, but it works. 🙂

SandraDodd.com/peace/noisy
photo by Sandra Dodd
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The other things flow in around it.

(Below is most of my response to a complicated question about the balance of power and relationships, citing Bruno Bettelheim about A.S. Neill, and the assumption that unschoolers were libertarians:)

I've unschooled for over twenty years, and am not a "libertarian," and the unschooling ideals I've aimed for involved learning. They had little to do with Neill or Bettleheim (though I did like reading Bettleheim on fairy tales), but had to do with John Holt, attachment parenting, and observation of other families doing similar things.

Being a child's partner rather than his adversary makes the balance of knowledge unimportant. Nowadays my children drive me around, help me out, read small print and get things off high shelves. For many years, I did those things for them.

SandraDodd.com/partners

SandraDodd.com/balance

Learning first, and partnership and being present close after, and all the other things flow in around it.

photo by Sandra Dodd, of a well dressing in the village of Tissington
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Being in the world

Sometimes people ask how homeschooled children will move out into the world. Our children were never anywhere but in the world. They were present with us as much as they wanted to be. We let them be other places, without us, when they wanted to be. The world was always all around them, and they were always in their place in the world.

SandraDodd.com/interviews/bloggingboutboys
photo by Sandra Dodd
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Being the same

Even when it's not as clear as you're used to, the sun is as bright as can be behind the clouds.

It's the same sun.

Even when it's not as clear as you're used to, love is as bright as can be behind fear and frustration.

It's the same love.

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Today, be present and patient.


SandraDodd.com/being
photo by Beth Fuller
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Little things

Parents love big ideas, but one big idea is to go small. Sometimes go with one tiny change, in one small moment. Or pay attention to one small window of time. Once someone was asking how to peacefully move a child from one place to another, while being really present.

I wrote this:

Nobody's still and at kid-speed all the time. But if you can figure out how to do it sometimes, then you can choose to do it, or choose to go faster, but to bring him along in a happy way.

Instead of saying "Come on, let's go!" maybe you could have picked him up and twirled him around and said something sweet and by the time he knows it he's fifty yards from there, but happy to be with his happy mom.

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On the page linked below, Schuyler wrote about little things and little moments. Little moments make big differences.

SandraDodd.com/parentingpeacefully
photo by Holly Dodd