Loving and patient

In families in which parents have considered themselves partners in their children's rich lives, teens don't have the desperate urge to leave. A natural desire to leave the nest does kick in, as it does for many mammals. It might have kicked in sooner if the culture didn't require parents to take care of their children and be responsible for them until they were 18 years old. I know dozens of teens up close, by name, who are loving and patient with their parents even though the parents are getting old and forgetful. Teens can be helpful and generous with parents and siblings when they themselves have been generously helped up to that point.

from "Saying Yes to Teens" in The Big Book of Unschooling (page 252 or 293)
which links to
SandraDodd.com/yes

photo by Belinda Dutch

Easy cure

When a mom expressed that she felt guilty that she might not be doing enough, I wrote:

"If you don't feel like you're doing enough, do more. Easy cure. 🙂"

Jill Parmer quoted me, and added:

"As I paid closer attention to my kids, and less about what I should put into them, I found it easier to find ways to do more. Like lingering longer at an ethnic grocery so they could look around, and finding things that would relate to their favorite games, or their interests."

More, about 1/5 of the way down
Experiences / Building an Unschooling Nest (chat transcript)
photo by Sarah S
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Building an epic nest

If you want to unschool, there's no curriculum to buy and you and your children will be discovering the secret passages and magical destinations without a schedule or a map.

To help you prepare for or strengthen your own heroic adventure, there are three tools you need, and a checklist of seven nest-building items for you to collect and protect.

Equip yourself with: confidence experience good examples Build your nest with food shelter love patience enthusiasm curiosity joy

Building an Unschooling Nest
photo by Sandra Dodd

Belief, values, atmosphere

"Be who you believe it's best to be. Act according to your own values. Create an atmosphere where making a kind choice is easier than making a hurtful choice. Create an atmosphere where everyone feels safe."

—Joyce Fetteroll

Joyce Fetteroll, at Always Learning in 2013
A good link to go with it might be Building an Unschooling Nest
photo by Sarah Dickinson

Don't hackle or vex

Good policy for the treatment of children, too! Keep all those things in the "bad idea" column, and choose their opposites whenever you can.

SandraDodd.com/nest
photo by Sandra Dodd

Food and shelter

Seasons change, and creatures look for a place to be, near something to eat.

If you're providing food and shelter for your children, good job! If you can look cool while doing it, with a bit of style and pizzazz, bonus for everyone.

Fill your shelter with peace and patience.

Building an Unschooling Nest
photo by Karen James

What's important?

Debbie Regan wrote:

What is important for your family—peace? joy? doing fun things? well-being? growing and learning? comfort? delight?...

What can you do to enhance what's important—more flexibility? more listening? more engagement? more calm? more kindness? more fun ideas? more soft places? more interesting/happy options? more generosity? more creativity?...

—Debbie Regan

SandraDodd.com/nest
photo by Eleanor Chong
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Practical and philosophical peace

I've learned to find peace, practically and philosophically. I started to see my kids as humans learning important things in unique ways, and as people I wanted to be close to—instead of seeing them as little to-do lists for myself. —Sarah Peshek

Building an Unschooling Nest
photo by Roya Dedeaux

Peace is primary

Tara Joe Farrell wrote:

Peace is THE priority in unschooling. It's primary. No amount of dropping bedtimes or food/media restrictions, no finding the yeses, no rich environment can get a family to unschooling well until someone (the at-home parent, the keeper of the nest, usually the mom) understands how to scan for peace, see where it's missing, and then find a way to let peace grow in that space. That could mean simply planting peace, but it can also mean clearing obstacles (including ourselves). Learning only, ever, thrives where there is peace.

—Tara Joe Farrell

Becoming the Parent You Want to Be
photo by Gail Higgins—rainbow on a waterfall
(click to enlarge)
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Active participants

"Unschooling is not child-led or child-directed learning — that makes it sound like the parent should just be a 'follower.' Not so — parents are active participants and part of the job of an unschooling parent is to keep the child in mind and to fill his/her life with just the right amount of interesting new experience, chances to repeat experiences, down time, and so on."

—Pam Sorooshian

SandraDodd.com/nest—Building an Unschooling Nest
photo by Nina Haley
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Safe and lively

"Some kids need school more than they need their dangerous or lifeless home environments."

I wrote that in 2009. School was good for me. If you keep your kids out of school, create an environment that is safe and lively.

If you can't do better than school, let them go to school.


Building an unschooling nest
photo by Manessah Ellender Garcia
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Happy, safe and comfortable

Jenny Cyphers wrote:

There are so many small generous happy-making things that parents can do for their kids throughout the day, and week, and month and year.

When kids are accustomed to feeling happy and safe and comfortable, they can move through life knowing that life is happy, safe, and comfortable, and that even when it sometimes isn't, they can always come home to find it and feel it again.

—Jenny Cyphers

Building an Unschooling Nest
photo by Elise Lauterbach
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Interesting information

Pam Sorooshian wrote:

Take them to the grocery store.

...While you're there, look at the weirdest thing in the produce department. Bright orange cactus? BUY one. Go home and get online and try to figure out what to do with it. Or just slice it open to see what is inside.

Or buy a coconut—shake it to see if it has liquid inside. Let the kid pound on it with a hammer until it cracks open. While they're doing that, do a quick google on coconuts so you have some background knowledge. Don't "teach" them—but if something seems cool, just say it as an interesting, cool thing to know, "Wow, coconuts are SEEDS! And, oh my gosh, they sometimes float in the ocean for years before washing up on some island and sprouting into a coconut tree."

How about a pineapple—bought one fresh, lately? Talked about Hawaii? Just say, "Aloha," while handing the kids a slice. Or, maybe you'll get really into the whole idea of Hawaii and you'll see connections everywhere—Hawaiian shirts at the thrift store, flowers to me leis, someone playing a ukelele, a video of a volcano exploding (maybe that will inspire you to want to make your own volcano with baking soda and vinegar).

I'm not saying to prepare a lesson on cactus or coconuts or pineapples. I'm saying that if you're not already an interesting person with interesting information to share with your children, then you'll have to make an effort to be more interesting. The way to do that is to develop your own sense of curiosity, wonder, fascination, and enthusiasm.

—Pam Sorooshian

Building an Unschooling Nest
photo by Sandra Dodd

Just right

This was originally written in 2010,
so "recently" and "new" are nine years old now.

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When I was little, I always liked the musicality of the story of The Three Bears, with its "too hot, too cold, just right" and "too hard, too soft, just right."

Recently I was interviewed and responded to a question about what can be a hurdle for new unschoolers, and what advice I would give to beginners:

"Read a little, try a little, wait a while, watch." That's my new improved advice for anyone about anything. Some people think they can read their way to a change, or discuss themselves into unschooling.

It's important to find out what others have discovered and done, but nothing will change until the parents change the way they respond to the child. But if the parents change EVERYthing about the way they respond to the child, that creates chaos, and doesn't engender confidence. The child might just think the parents have gone crazy or don't love him anymore.

One solid step in the direction a parent intends to go is better than a wild dance back and forth. And if that solid step feels right, they can take another solid step.

the full interview, by Kim Houssenloge, of Feather and Nest
Photo by Linnea, with Holly's camera

Visible joy

Make home a place the child is always safe, secure, loved, and respected. Model empathy, kindness, and take visible joy in good things. Bring more good things into the home for the family to take joy in.

—Jessica Hughes

Building an Unschooling Nest
photo by Roya Dedeaux
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Sweet and supportive

The parents' job is to create and maintain a rich environment, and to be attentive to the child, and sweet and supportive.

SandraDodd.com/nest.html
photo by Nicole Kenyon

What is "natural"?

The other day on facebook, someone asked friends to share their most recent photo of nature. I looked through my photos, back two months, and though some were of the sky or mountains, there were buildings in the foreground. Those of plants were plants in the yards of humans.

Is a photo of a bird playing in a puddle more natural than a bird in a human-built birdbath? Is a bird's nest or a beaver dam more natural than a human's home?

For a long time, and still, some people have wanted to keep human life and thought far away and separate from animals, and to deny that we are related to other mammals, to other primates. I suppose it's human, and natural, to wonder where the line is between what is natural, and what is human.

SandraDodd.com/instinct
photo by Amy Milstein

How will their learning be used?

Pam Sorooshian wrote this:

The time spent mothering and playing is not time away from real learning—not to be rushed through to get to "the good stuff" as some may think of it. It is essential to real learning and, really, to allowing the child to grow up as a whole, integrated human being.

Homeschoolers think a lot about learning—but they often focus on learning to read, write, do math, or learning science or history, etc. Unschoolers tend to take that kind of learning for granted, it happens along the way. Instead, as we get more and more into unschooling, we tend to focus on things like kindness and creativity and honesty—all those character traits that will determine "how" their learning will be used in their lives.

—Pam Sorooshian

SandraDodd.com/nest
photo by Sandra Dodd

Peaceful and stable

Jen Keefe wrote:

Every day my husband and I understand better how to create an environment so that our kids can learn. This involves making our home more peaceful and stable, making sure our kids have food, water, comfortable clothes, and good places to sit, work and sleep. It involves paying attention so that we can find resources to offer to support whatever thing they are currently learning about. It requires that they feel safe, respected, valued, appreciated, and loved.

—Jen Keefe

Jen, on facebook
(If you don't have facebook, look at Building an Unschooling Nest, maybe.)
photo by Renee Cabatic
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Be the calming comfort

Sometimes life is spooky and frightening. Sometimes children are afraid.

Be the comforting, safe partner. Don't be another source of spooky discomfort.

Practice being braver and calmer so that when life is scary you have enough courage and confidence to share.

SandraDodd.com/nest/
photo by Karen James
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