Thoughtful decisions

Joyce Fetteroll's response to a parenting question:

Should you teach your child to always tell the truth?

"Always" and "never" are rules meant to stop thinking. Support your child in becoming a thoughtful decision-maker, not a thoughtless rule-follower.

—Joyce Fetteroll

Original, and more, on Quora
photo by Daniel Moyer Artisan
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Leaning toward balance

On finding balance:

Lean by thoughts and decisions.
Lean toward what you understand, and what makes sense.

Too far? Lean back.
Just right? Do more with your children, while you're in that state.

SandraDodd.com/balance
photo by Sandra Dodd; Castle of the Moors, in Portugal

There y'go!

When you know how you want to be, the next step is to make conscious decisions in a "getting warm" or "getting cold" kind of way. Not all steps will be forward, but if the majority of steps are in your chosen direction, there y'go!

"Becoming the Parent you Want to Be," page 194, The Big Book of Unschooling
photo by Sandra Dodd
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Take a step thoughtfully

People can ruin their lives with unschooling if they don't know where they're going. If they just intend to make a bunch of wild decisions and mill around, it won't work. Their kids will end up needing to go back to school, and being clueless kids in school. So it's almost that big a project. You will have to take hundreds of thousands of steps. And so it's better to take a step thoughtfully, knowing what direction you're going, than to thunder around yelling, "I'm an unschooler! I'm an unschooler!"

Extras with Sandra Dodd
I was speaking, not writing. You can listen (at 15:27), or read the transcript.
photo by Brie Jontry

Choose more

Part of Pam Sorooshians's response to the idea that unschoolers are lazy:

Ask yourself really honestly, is there something more I could be doing for my child that would enhance my child's life? If the answer is yes, then make the choice to do it. Then ask this question of yourself again and again and, each time, make the life-enriching choice. Apply this to small things and to big momentous decisions. Small things—could I make something for dinner that would be special and interesting? Did I see a cool rock on the ground outside—could I bring it in and wash it and set it on the table for others to notice. Big things—would my child enjoy traveling? Can we take a family vacation that involves exploring things my child would find interesting?

In unschooling, 'lazy' means not thinking about enriching and enhancing your child's life. You change this by doing it—one choice at a time."

—Pam Sorooshian

SandraDodd.com/lazy/parents
photo by Sandra Dodd

The Fabric of Life

When learning is recognized in the fabric of life and encouraged, when families make their decisions based on what leads to more interesting and educational ends, children learn without effort, often without even knowing it, and parents learn along with them.

SandraDodd.com/unschool/allkinds
scanner art by Sandra Dodd; click it for more info
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The important things

Children can only hear "no" so many times before they start to ignore it, so we helped them make good decisions when they were young, and saved "no" for really important things.



SandraDodd.com/teenager
photo by Janine
and it's a link

How to Be a Better Parent

On patience:

Learning to think of two choices and make the better one is the best tool I've found and it works every time. If the two choices are "what was done to me" and "what I wish had been done to me instead," it's healing every time, too.


SandraDodd.com/decisions
photo by Sandra Dodd

Real and good

Every choice you make should be made consciously, thoughtfully, for real and good reasons.


SandraDodd.com/decisions
photo by Chrissy Florence

Look, now, today

Look at the immediate benefits of your decisions.

Look for the good parts of today.

Look for the value in this moment.

"Success"
photo by Sandra Dodd

The clock isn't hungry

Perhaps "eating by the clock" has roots in European manor houses filled with servants, where the lady of the house got to choose the times of meals (within the narrow window of what was considered right and proper). In more modern times, eating by the clock has to do with factory lunch breaks and with school bells.

Don't be the clock's mother. Don't watch the clock to see if it's time to eat. Watch your child. Or watch the clock to see if it's time to offer another snack, but don't let the clock say "not yet" or "Must EAT!"

It isn't good parenting or self control for an adult who has reproduced to be looking to a mechanical device to make decisions for her. Clocks are great for meeting people at a certain time, but they were never intended to be an oracle by which mothers would decide whether to pay attention to a child or not. Your child knows whether he's hungry. You don't. The clock doesn't either, never did, and never will.

from page 163 of The Big Book of Unschooling (page 182 of newer editions)
photo by Sandra Dodd

Everyday Art

Something you can see from your computer is at the point where art meets technology, or tradition meets function or something. Perhaps it's your computer, or phone. Chair. A nice felt-tip pen, or a lamp.

Is there a certain spoon or knife or mug that people in your family especially like because it feels good in your hand, has a good balance or something? What about favorite towels or sheets? Pillows? Maybe discuss where these things came from, who made what kinds of decisions about them, and how rich the world is in design artistry of all sorts.

Everyday Art (on the Thinking Sticks blog)
photo by Sandra Dodd

It depends

It's hard to explain unschooling, partly because the best answers are "it depends," followed by questions for the parents to consider while they're making their decisions.

It depends on time available, time of day, safety, resources, the effect on other people, need for food or rest, and other factors I can't think of right now. . . . .Getting unschooling is a process. There will be more to get once you're comfortable with the new understandings and behaviors.

SandraDodd.com/depends
photo by Janine Davies
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Shimmery reflections

It can't be helped, and it's really fine, that different people in a family remember things a bit differently, or have different emotions around a situation. Something might be a big deal to one or two family members, and not even be remembered by others.

My sister and I learned, when my dad died, that our relationships with him were very different, and both true and valid. We were in our early 20s, and each of us had fond memories of our dad that didn't involve the other at all, and some frustrations, similarly unrelated.

Even self-reflection can be different at different times. Things I used to be proud of look different, years later. Some decisions I was stressed about and unsure of as they unfolded look quite noble, now, from a distance.

SandraDodd.com/perspective
photo by Gail Higgins

Makes sense

When the parents are curious and can find joy in exploring and discussing common interesting things in the everyday world, unschooling can make a lot of sense very easily. Optimism and positive attitudes help. If the children's comfort and joy can be a high priority and the parents can see the value of letting even young children begin to make choices, by the time the kids are teens they'll have had a great deal of real-world experience in making thoughtful decisions.

Sandra Dodd in a 2009 interview
photo by Susan Gaissert

Other factors

It's hard to explain unschooling, partly because the best answers are "it depends," followed by questions for the parents to consider while they're making their decisions.

It depends on time available, time of day, safety, resources, the effect on other people, need for food or rest, and other factors I can't think of right now.

Some days a certain request would be just perfectly WONDERful to do/pursue, and the same request on another day might be a total flat-out "no" (or a "maybe later, but not during a funeral," or whatever it is).

Getting unschooling is a process. There will be more to get once you're comfortable with the new understandings and behaviors.


SandraDodd.com/depends
photo by Sandra Dodd
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Leaning toward balance

On finding balance:

Lean by thoughts and decisions.
Lean toward what you understand, and what makes sense.

Too far? Lean back.
Just right? Do more with your children, while you're in that state.

SandraDodd.com/balance
photo by Sandra Dodd; Castle of the Moors, in Portugal

Choose more

Part of Pam Sorooshians's response to the idea that unschoolers are lazy:

Ask yourself really honestly, is there something more I could be doing for my child that would enhance my child's life? If the answer is yes, then make the choice to do it. Then ask this question of yourself again and again and, each time, make the life-enriching choice. Apply this to small things and to big momentous decisions. Small things—could I make something for dinner that would be special and interesting? Did I see a cool rock on the ground outside—could I bring it in and wash it and set it on the table for others to notice. Big things—would my child enjoy traveling? Can we take a family vacation that involves exploring things my child would find interesting?

In unschooling, 'lazy' means not thinking about enriching and enhancing your child's life. You change this by doing it—one choice at a time."

—Pam Sorooshian

SandraDodd.com/lazy/parents
photo by Sandra Dodd
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Past voices

Let the past inform your decisions. Let the past be a little angel on your shoulder, but don't let the voices in your head tell you what to do. It might be time to tell the voices in your head "enough."


Voices in your head
photo by Karen James
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Helping as a good partner

Joanna Murphy wrote:

Think of yourself as creating a partnership with your son. See your son as whole and healthy and desirous of being in a state of rest and vibrancy but maybe just not knowing at this moment how to get there on his own.

If he's not able to make certain decisions for himself yet (like reading his tired signals), then you can be the part of the team that can make that decision and explain it to the other half—it's not him or you—it's both of you working together to make a healthy and happy child.

This is the moment when his bed is made, the lights are low, the music is on (or whatever he has identified as aids to his sleep). Your certainty about what he's needing at that moment (sleep), combined with the quality of the connection and trust you have with him will determine what will happen next.


Original on Always Learning
(I added some paragraph breaks for today.)
photo by Cátia Maciel