Tone matters

When you say something to your child, remember to feel it and believe it, or you'll be sending mixed messages, and the tone might be louder than the words. And with babies and toddlers, the tone might be the entirety of the communication.

The quote is from page 208 (or 241) of The Big Book of Unschooling,
which references this webpage:
Tone of Voice and Joy.
photo by Sandra Dodd, in Amsterdam

Feel it; believe it

When you say something to your child, remember to feel it and believe it, or you'll be sending mixed messages, and the tone might be louder than the words. And with babies and toddlers, the tone might be the entirety of the communication.

The quote is from page 208 (or 241) of The Big Book of Unschooling
SandraDodd.com/tone
photo by Sarah S.

Feel it and believe it

When you say something to your child, remember to feel it and believe it, or you'll be sending mixed messages, and the tone might be louder than the words. And with babies and toddlers, the tone might be the entirety of the communication.

The quote is from page 208 (or 241) of The Big Book of Unschooling,
which references this webpage:
Tone of Voice and Joy.
photo by Sandra Dodd, in Amsterdam

Pollution you might not notice

This was written and first published in 2011; there are more readers now.

---

Someone wrote elsewhere, about Just Add Light and Stir:

I really didn’t like Sandra’s blog, sure there is a lot of useful information, but the “cheerful” tone creeps me out!

A lot of useful information would be sufficient, I think, for a daily blog with over 800 subscribers. But I'm creeping someone out with a "'cheerful' tone"?! First, it's not "cheerful" in quotes, not allegedly cheerful. It actually *is* cheerful. 🙂

Cynicism is poison. It erodes relationships. It saps one's spirit and dissolves faith and hope. I will choose cheeriness over pissiness anytime I can manage to do it, and I hope most of those reading here are able to make that choice too, for the sake of themselves and their families. For their neighbors, for their dogs. For safety while operating motor vehicles and other machinery. For success at work, and joy while grocery shopping.

Negativity sucks. It sucks the possibility of a joyful life directly out of a person, and if it's not stopped, it will spread to others.

Smiles can spread, too, though. Kindness can be contagious. You choose a hundred times a day to smile or to frown, to breathe in joy or to suck in resentment.

Live responsibly, especially while you have children in your home.

SandraDodd.com/negativity
photo by Sandra Dodd, in the alley behind the house, in 2011

Find things she CAN cut

Sometimes parents think unschooling means kids do anything they want anytime, anywhere, to anything and anybody, and the parent doesn’t have the right to an opinion. That makes no sense.

Be your child’s partner. Don’t let your team be a bad team.

Fitted sheets are expensive. Your team cut a sheet. You, the older, smarter, ranking team member, screwed up.

She had scissors around a sheet. Problem.

IF when she cut the sheet you “tried to talk to her about why it was not okay” instead of expressing honest surprise and frustration, you will lost trust by being dishonest.

How will she learn the difference between expensive sheets and clothes, and scrap crap, if the mom uses a sweetie-pop poodle voice both times?

The original is on Always Learning
where I had linked to the page about tone of voice:
SandraDodd.com/tone
photo by Sandra Dodd
(here, on facebook)

I had no photo of a young child cutting things she shouldn't but remembered a photo of a clean fitted sheet.

Choose your Contagion

Someone wrote elsewhere, about Just Add Light and Stir:

I really didn’t like Sandra’s blog, sure there is a lot of useful information, but the “cheerful” tone creeps me out!

A lot of useful information would be sufficient, I think, for a daily blog with over 800 subscribers. But I'm creeping someone out with a "'cheerful' tone"?! First, it's not "cheerful" in quotes, not allegedly cheerful. It actually *is* cheerful. 🙂

Cynicism is poison. It erodes relationships. It saps one's spirit and dissolves faith and hope. I will choose cheeriness over pissiness anytime I can manage to do it, and I hope most of those reading here are able to make that choice too, for the sake of themselves and their families. For their neighbors, for their dogs. For safety while operating motor vehicles and other machinery. For success at work, and joy while grocery shopping.

Negativity sucks. It sucks the possibility of a joyful life directly out of a person, and if it's not stopped, it will spread to others.

Smiles can spread, too, though. Kindness can be contagious. You choose a hundred times a day to smile or to frown, to breathe in joy or to suck in resentment.

Live responsibly, especially while you have children in your home.

SandraDodd.com/negativity
photo by Sandra Dodd, in the alley behind the house

Posture, tone, words and action

Peace, in an exchange, has to do with tone of voice, eyes, posture, attitude, intention, compassion—all the non-verbal communications that go with words and actions. Don't underestimate your child's ability to read beneath and around and beyond your statements. You would do well to try to read behind his words, too.

Parenting Peacefully page of The Big Book of Unschooling
(Page 243 of new edition; 209 of older version)
photo by Sandra Dodd, at an old house in France

Still cheerful

Five years ago, someone wrote, of Just Add Light and Stir:

I really didn’t like Sandra’s blog, sure there is a lot of useful information, but the “cheerful” tone creeps me out!

Below was my response at the time. Nothing has happened in five years to make me doubt my stance. There are twice as many subscribers now.

---

A lot of useful information would be sufficient, I think, for a daily blog with over 800 subscribers. But I'm creeping someone out with a "'cheerful' tone"?! First, it's not "cheerful" in quotes, not allegedly cheerful. It actually *is* cheerful. 🙂

Cynicism is poison. It erodes relationships. It saps one's spirit and dissolves faith and hope. I will choose cheeriness over pissiness anytime I can manage to do it, and I hope most of those reading here are able to make that choice too, for the sake of themselves and their families. For their neighbors, for their dogs. For safety while operating motor vehicles and other machinery. For success at work, and joy while grocery shopping.

Negativity sucks. It sucks the possibility of a joyful life directly out of a person, and if it's not stopped, it will spread to others.

Smiles can spread, too, though. Kindness can be contagious. You choose a hundred times a day to smile or to frown, to breathe in joy or to suck in resentment.

Live responsibly, especially while you have children in your home.

SandraDodd.com/negativity
photo by Chrissy Florence
___

Learning how

Sara P. wrote:

This is still an ongoing process for me. I had to re-train myself in a lot of ways. I had to learn a new language. I had to learn to SEE again. I had to learn how to communicate. I had to learn patience. I had to learn how to put others first. .....WOW! Sometimes an old thought will creep in. Sometimes I find myself answering a question in *teacher tone*...but it is so few and far between, and I am so quick to catch it that nobody ever notices except me! LOL!

—Sara P.

SandraDodd.com/change/stories
photo by Denaire Nixon

Wonderful wonder

Pam Sorooshian, of something she learned before she was unschooling:

It really makes a huge difference how the parent is feeling about what the kids are doing.

My sister inadvertently taught me this when her now-24 yo son was only about 4 years old. They had old very beat-up furniture and her son, Alex, was standing next to a couch with holes in it. He was pulling out little bits of stuffing and rolling it in his fingers, feeling the texture, stuffing it back in, pulling out another tuft, feeling it, and so on. He had a faraway look in his eyes and was clearly really focused on experiencing the sensation of the texture of those tufts of couch stuffing.

She and I walked in and saw him at the same moment. MY reaction would have been to stop him from pulling stuffing out of the old couch. Julie stopped and smiled and said, quietly to me, "Look at that — he is having such a deep sensual experience just with a bit of stuffing from an old couch. How wonderful!"

Another parent might have complained, "My kid is so bored he's literally pulling the stuffing out of our old couch. That's the best thing he can find to do?"

This might sound sort of phony or silly and unimportant - I'm just recommending that people look at what their kids ARE doing and see if they can change their own thinking about it - see it in the best possible way. It doesn't change what they're doing, but it changes the "tone" in the home and that is so all-important it can't be overemphasized.

—Pam Sorooshian

SandraDodd.com/wonder
photo by Belinda Dutch

See, touch, hear

Let [babies] hear you speak, and find opportunities for them to hear others speak. Although there are justifications and theories about what babies like and respond to (high voices and sing-songy voices seem to appeal to babies), don't revert to a whole babytalk language with them. Some is fine, but talk to them about real things, too. Tell them what you're doing with them, and what they're seeing, when they're out and about. Don't quiz them, just talk. It's fine if they can't understand you for months and months. They'll be learning your tone and your moods and the speech patterns of the language even before they have vocabulary. You will be building a relationship that is not based on the meaning of the words, but on the sharing of the time and attention. You're paying attention to what the baby sees and touches and hears. The baby is paying attention to you.

If you can keep that up for eighteen years, you've got unschooling!

SandraDodd.com/babies
photo by Sandra Dodd, up into a little tree I sat under, in a gully;
a banana blossom, in Maui!
(touch/click to enlarge)

Credit

Every little thing a parent does goes into the plus column or the minus column. Each parent is gaining credit or losing credit. Everything counts—words, tone, patience, generosity, interest, kindnesses and thoughts. It takes more to build your credit back up than it does to waste it, so be careful.

You might like to read about respect,
though the quote was from a facebook discussion in 2013
photo by Sandra Dodd, of a kinetic sculpture a person can affect,
at ¡Explora! ("Ballnasium," by George Rhoads)

Peaceful communication

Peace, in an exchange, has to do with tone of voice, eyes, posture, attitude, intention, compassion—all the non-verbal communications that go with words and actions. Don't underestimate your child's ability to read beneath and around and beyond your statements. You would do well to try to read behind his words, too.

SandraDodd.com/parentingpeacefully
photo by Sandra Dodd

Peace, joy and learning

It’s not so simple and straightforward as any one educational or parenting or political theory would like people to believe. But still, no matter what else the parents believe or deny, the tone and mood they set make a difference, for good or ill. . . . .
It will come back to peace, joy, learning, and parenting as directly and as sweetly as possible.

Natural patterns
The quotes are lifted out of context from SandraDodd.com/nature.
photo by Gail Higgins, in the southeastern U.S.

Too busy or too quiet?

No human in all the history of the world has, or could have guessed right every time, about what to say, how much to say, how quickly, in what tone.

Most humans can get a bit better at it, as time goes on.

Gaze without speaking and/or explore connections
photo by Gail Higgins

Plus or minus

Every little thing a parent does goes into the plus column or the minus column. Each parent is gaining credit or losing credit.

Everything counts—words, tone, patience, generosity, interest, kindnesses and thoughts. It takes more to build your credit back up than it does to waste it, so be careful.

Credit
photo by Sandra Dodd

Beneath, around and beyond

Peace, in an exchange, has to do with tone of voice, eyes, posture, attitude, intention, compassion—all the non-verbal communications that go with words and actions. Don't underestimate your child's ability to read beneath and around and beyond your statements. You would do well to try to read behind his words, too.

page 209 (or 243) of The Big Book of Unschooling
photo by Marty Dodd, of Ashlee and himself

Maybe not too late

Pam Sorooshian wrote in 2007:

I never "got it" about chores until it was really almost too late....

What I regret is that I didn't figure out ways to do stuff like this when the kids were younger. I wish I'd made housework entirely optional, but then made it enticing for them to do it with me or with each other, so that they'd have still helped out, but without the tone of it being demanded. These days, when one of my daughters and I wash dishes together, it is fun, because they really know that they have a choice, that I won't be annoyed if they turn me down, so no resentment on their part. Very very worth the extra work I had and often still have to do.

—Pam Sorooshian

Making the Shift!
photo by Sandra Dodd

Peaceful communication

Peace, in an exchange, has to do with tone of voice, eyes, posture, attitude, intention, compassion—all the non-verbal communications that go with words and actions. Don't underestimate your child's ability to read beneath and around and beyond your statements. You would do well to try to read behind his words, too.

Parenting Peacefully page of The Big Book of Unschooling
(Page 243 of new edition; 209 of older version)
photo by Sandra Dodd, at an old house in France

Smiling, patient, gentle

If you feel helpless, you are.
If you feel powerless, you are.

Make conscious choices, in little ways, in ways that make your family warmer and more comfortable. Not a few big decisions, but a hundred little decisions in the next 20 hours. Tone of voice. Smile/no-smile. Patience/rush. Gentle/jerky.

Help yourself find the power to make your family's moments better.

SandraDodd.com/choices
photo by Elise Lauterbach