"Prior"—what comes first?

Someone inquiring about unschooling once complained:

"You seem to be saying that the two priorities are mutually exclusive."

Joyce wrote:

When we're trying to achieve two goals there will be times when a decision will lead towards one but away from another.

I responded:

Priorities have literally to do with rankings. Two "priorities" can't be equal, or there is no "priority" (first-in-lineness, precedence). So if they are to be called "priorities" then I suppose one has to exclude the other at that point of decision making. But people can have two favorite causes or missions or concerns, and lots of times the precedence of them won't matter. When it does, that's when they learn their priorities.

Both of us wrote a bit more than that, at SandraDodd.com/priorities
photo by Drew

Older buildings are reflected in the window; Silver City, New Mexico, a few years ago.

Priorities, influence, reading

A story from when Kirby was in his late teens:

Kirby was reading aloud the other night from a gaming manual to that big batch of guys who went to see Pirates of Penzance with us. Kirby and Marty really wanted to go to the play. As things turned out, three unexpected others went with us. That was fine. They went because they were involved in a roleplaying game, and wanted to continue it later, and because they trust Kirby and Marty's judgement about what's cool.

They had fun, and came back and played several hours longer afterward. But Kirby, one of the youngest of the seven there, and one of the "least educated," was reading difficult material aloud to attentive others, one of whom... has a college degree, one of whom has two years of college, and none of whom had any reason to say, "Let me read that." He could've been reading it for taping, or radio. Expressive, clear, no hesitation.

He's confident in his skin, in his mind, and in his being.
He's not afraid of his parents.
He goes to sleep happy and he wakes up glad.

My priorities could have been different.

---

Kirby is in his 30s now, married, and reads each night to two little girls. I wish I could hear it sometimes.

SandraDodd.com/priorities
photo by Sandra Dodd— not of that night's game, but there's Kirby in black to the right, and Marty in green, with other unschoolers

Priorities among principles

In response to an inquiry about priorities among principles, and whether learning should come before safety, peace, kindness or a strong marriage:

For me, safety is big.

Peace doesn't conflict with learning; it aids it.

Kindness doesn't conflict with learning; it bolsters it.

Learning, peace and kindness make marriages better.

SandraDodd.com/priorities
photo by Karen James

Confident, happy and glad

When my oldest was 18, I was recounting some current doings, and concluded:

He's confident in his skin, in his mind, and in his being.
He's not afraid of his parents.
He goes to sleep happy and he wakes up glad.

My priorities could have been different.

Priorities
photo by Roya Dedeaux

Value and priorities

Size, age, volume, cost... Value and priorities, for unschoolers, might begin to surprise you and continue to do so. Don't judge importance too quickly. Learning is everywhere.

SandraDodd.com/mindfulparenting
photo by Lynda Rains

No conflict

In response to an inquiry about priorities among principles, and whether learning should come before safety, peace, kindness or a strong marriage:

For me, safety is big.

Peace doesn't conflict with learning; it aids it.

Kindness doesn't conflict with learning; it bolsters it.

Learning, peace and kindness make marriages better.

SandraDodd.com/priorities

Photo by Sandra Dodd, of a spider in a window of the Winchester City Mill, in Hampshire. I was glad their priority wasn't to vacuum constantly, because seeing that dead spider was one of the best things of the day.
We were in the room over the millstream.
It was raining.

The value of values

It will help unschooling for a family to accept the value of learning and of living peacefully. One family might value industry over music; one might value art over organization. But if they value their relationships and the comfort and safety of others in their family, they can thrive. As unschooling grows, you will find your priorities.

SandraDodd.com/priorities
photo by Sandra Dodd

Directions

Priorities are what will help one decide whether this moment's next step should be to the left, or the right, forward, or back, or just to stand and wait.

SandraDodd.com/priorities
photo by Chrissy Florence

Priorities

Parents who make meeting their children's needs a higher priority will find that life is good and they, often unexpectedly, find that they are, themselves, less needy when they feel like really good parents.

—Pam Sorooshian

SandraDodd.com/priorities
photo by Sandra Dodd

Confident, happy, glad

I wrote this of Kirby, in 2005 when he was 18 years old:

He's confident in his skin, in his mind, and in his being.
He's not afraid of his parents.
He goes to sleep happy and he wakes up glad.

My priorities could have been different.

---

Kirby is 30 now. Yesterday he contacted me about plans for adopting his wife's daughter, who is eight, so her name will be Dodd, too. They recently signed a mortgage on the house where she has her own beautiful room.


Context for the top quote about Kirby is in a story here:
SandraDodd.com/priorities
photo by Rachael Rodgers

Choices, priorities and locations

Laying "have to" on our kids, or on ourselves or on outsiders is less useful and healthy than looking at rights and choices and priorities and locations.

Can you jump on the bed?

Depends whose bed, which bed, where, when. Is someone sleeping? Is it an antique? Who owns this bed?


SandraDodd.com/etiquette
(original, in a discussion on facebook)
photo by some realtor, once,
in a house that's now Holly Dodd's

Happy and Glad

I wrote this of Kirby, in 2005 when he was 18 years old:

He's confident in his skin, in his mind, and in his being.
He's not afraid of his parents.
He goes to sleep happy and he wakes up glad.

My priorities could have been different.

SandraDodd.com/priorities
photo by Sandra Dodd

Beliefs and priorities

Principles instead of rules means not to decide in advance what you're going to do, but to know what you believe and what your priorities are, and then to make decisions based on that. Not to behave arbitrarily, but thoughtfully.

Principles of Learimg (chat transcript)
photo by Holly Dodd, 2014, India

Good life; less needy

"Parents who do make meeting their children's needs a higher priority will find that life is good and they, often unexpectedly, find that they are, themselves, less needy when they feel like really good parents."

—Pam Sorooshian

SandraDodd.com/priorities
Halloween photo by Lydia Koltai

How Important is your child?

If your child is more important than your vision of your child, life becomes easier.


SandraDodd.com/priorities
photo by Sandra Dodd of Marty (in front) and Kirby (in red)

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2019 Update:
A newer edition of The Big Book of Unschooling is available.
A wedge of the photo above appeared on the cover of the first edition.

Thinking more clearly

This picks up in the midst of something, but endure the first two sentences and it will make sense.

'How do "we"' is a problem. The person is asking (I think) whether WE will support HER limiting her child. Each of us acts after consideration of what we know and believe, what our priorities are, what other factors (partners, grandparents, home-owner/landlord, religion, local laws)... But I acted with and toward my children as a partner in the way, in each moment, that seemed sensible and helpful to me, as much as was in my power in that moment. If I didn't do great, I would plan to do better in future moments. If I was happy with my actions, I'd try to remember what I was thinking so I could do that again in the future. But there wasn't a "we" except me and the child I was dealing with.

SandraDodd.com/radiation
photo by Colleen Prieto

Life becomes easier

If your child is more important than your vision of your child, life becomes easier.

SandraDodd.com/priorities
photo by Sandra Dodd

Watch your step!

Meredith Novak wrote:

I don't think too much focus on either rights or liberty is good for unschooling. When parents are invested in their rights, it's easy to step on kids' liberty. Worse, it's easy to step on kids' hearts."

—Meredith Novak

(I dropped one clause, above, because
it referred to someone else's quote. —Sandra *)
SandraDodd.com/priorities
photo by Sandra Dodd

Theoretical peace

For a single person to dedicate himself or herself to "a cause" is all well and good, but for a parent to take one moment from his child's peaceful life to try to make theoretical peace 10,000 miles away is bad.

I know the argument, that there is no peace until all have peace, but that is a big old fallacy and foolishness. There never has been universal peace and never, ever could be.

Priorities
photo by Sandra Dodd
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Safety and communication

My children have no reason to dodge or manipulate..., because Keith and I haven't concocted any made-up arbitrary rules and their accompanying punishments. With safety and communication as principles and priorities, we've had safe, communicative kids.

page 46 (or 50) of The Big Book of Unschooling
photo by Sandra Dodd

P.S.: That probably only works only if you begin very early.
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