Right for your child

Rather than look at labels that try to pigeonhole people into being this sort of parent or that sort of parent, be the parent that is right for your child in each moment.

—Laurie Wolfrum

SandraDodd.com/parents
photo by Sandra Dodd

Patterns and dots

Find, consider, value connections.

Notice, contemplate, appreciate patterns.

SandraDodd.com/connections
photo by Sandra Dodd
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Delight

"We're meant to be delighting in who they are, not just accepting."

—Karen Lee

The quote is from a presentation in Melbourne on March 23;
This page is about delight, too: SandraDodd.com/joyce/deschooling
photo by Bruno Machado
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Respect and acceptance

Respect and acceptance are more important than test scores and "performance." Understanding is more important than recitation.

SandraDodd.com/respect
photo by Sandra Dodd

Switching words around

Yesterday's quote had the phrase "playful and full of wonder." It seemed to me for a moment that "playful and full" was awkward. But it was a quote. I wrote it last year; it's published.

If it were math, we would make the phrases match—give them a common denominator, or base, or something. Or they would be commutative. Wonderful and full of play? Full of play and full of wonder?

I think words are wonderful, and it's good to play with them. Sometimes, take the words out of the air, off the page, out of your thoughts and turn them over. Feel how old they are, how solid, how useful. When it comes to language, be playful and full of wonder!

SandraDodd.com/wordswords
(The words above aren't at the link but other words are!)
photo by Karen James
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Playful and full of wonder

Being with our children in direct and mindful ways made us kinder, gentler and more accepting. We were more playful and full of wonder, as we saw the world through their eyes.

SandraDodd.com/betterpartner
photo by Sandra Dodd

Memories

"I am seven years old. I am sitting comfortably with a convenient, safe place to rest my face. Safe. On my father's lap. I can feel the heat from a fire. I can hear voices—I can recognize many of them. I hear singing. I feel singing. The vibrations of my dad's baritone voice through his wool clothing…"

—Holly Dodd

Read the rest at SandraDodd.com/sleep/memories
photo by Sandra Dodd

Nothing or something

Despite reports to the contrary, unschooling is not "doing nothing." There's a great deal of doing involved!

MomLogic interview, 2010
(the post title is vaguely Vicky Pollard-ish)
photo by Sandra Dodd
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See their wholeness

Sometimes people have a sort of social hypochondria—every problem that's described, they identify with, or fear the danger will get their children. They would do much better to spend more time and attention with and on their children so that they see their wholeness, rather than imagining their vulnerabilities.

SandraDodd.com/fear
photo by Colleen Prieto

Let joy replace fear

There is a kind of magic thinking that says television can rob people of their imagination, but that if parents sacrifice televisions, children will be more intelligent.


. . . .[A]mong unschoolers there are many who once prohibited or measured out TV time, and who changed their stance. Learning became a higher priority than control, and joy replaced fear in their lives. I can't quote all the accounts I have collected, but I invite you to read them.
SandraDodd.com/tv

The quote is from page 136 of The Big Book of Unschooling
photo of Holly and Orion by Sandra Dodd
This is a re-run from 12/31/10, when Holly was a teenager and Orion was a little boy.

Years or an hour

"Gauge how much to do and when by your child’s reactions. Let her say no thanks. Let her choose. Let her interest set the pace. If it takes years, let it take years. If it lasts an hour, let it last an hour."

—Joyce Fetteroll

Five Steps to Unschooling
photo by Sandra Dodd

Connections

Visiting a friend who moved to Australia led to a trip with new friends to Kuranda. Others showed me a local bird, and I showed someone the photo, and she identified the crank. Three days later, I saw a real one, and then looked it up, and it led to the Olympics, and the history of Australia, and post-WWII housing booms, and… those all connected to other things I knew.

You can do this, too. You might start with a bird and a clothesline, or it might be any other two things on this planet, or off.

Bush Stone-Curlew
photo by Sandra Dodd

Intentionally and carefully

For clarity of thought and for value of discussions about unschooling (or anything), it's important to use words intentionally and carefully. If a parent can't tell the difference between "consequences" and "punishment" and doesn't want to even try to, she'll probably keep punishing her children and telling herself it's not punishment, it's consequences. That muddled thinking can't lead to clarity nor to better parenting.

SandraDodd.com/semantics
Sandra and Kirby Dodd, under a sign at a barbecue place in Austin
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Give it your all.

In an unschooling chat on March 12, Pam Sorooshian wrote:

I often think this way, "I've thought about this a lot and made my decision. Now I owe it to myself and my family to really truly embrace that decision and give it my all and not be wishy-washy about it."

Special Guest, Pam Sorooshian
photo by Sandra Dodd

Bright and happy eyes

[Of professionals who do research on children:] They're looking at problems, and looking *for* problems. If you turn and look the other way, you will see fewer problems, especially if you look at your own child's bright and happy eyes. And if your child has bright and happy eyes, do what you can to keep them that way.

SandraDodd.com/joy (the quote isn't there, but it's a good page)
photo by Sandra Dodd

Thoughtful and sweet

What you think you "have to" do makes you powerless and frustrated. What you choose to do is empowering, and should be done thoughtfully and sweetly.

SandraDodd.com/cairns
photo by Sandra Dodd
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Be, be, and you will be

Karen James (in part of something longer):

If parents wonder whether they should be more generous with their children, I would say yes. The more the better. Not in a give-them-everything-they-want kind of way. More in a give-them-as-much-of-yourself-as-you-can kind of way. Be open. Be generous. Be understanding. Be trusting and trustworthy. Be present. Be loving. Be compassionate. Be patient. Be helpful. Be kind. You will be amazed at what you see. —Karen James

SandraDodd.com/happy
photo by Sandra Dodd

See also Look
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Curiosity and enthusiasm

"Develop your own sense of curiosity, wonder, fascination, and enthusiasm."

—Pam Sorooshian

SandraDodd.com/wonder
photo by Sandra Dodd

Seeing your roots

"Radical" means from the roots—radiating from the source. The knowledge that learning is natural to humans can radiate forth from that point in every direction.

SandraDodd.com/terminology
photo by Sandra Dodd
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Preventing regrets

Jenny Cyphers, quoting and commenting:
I ran across this little bit this morning, from Pam Sorooshian:

Self-recrimination is self-indulgent and not helpful to your children. Be fully present in the here and now. That's the antidote to regret.

Something I like about Pam is that she says so much in so few words! That one packs a punch! Or a soft hand on someone's shoulder, really.

When people talk about doing unschooling right, to me, this gets at the heart of it! Go and BE WITH your kids, don't let days go by in which regret happens, because the opposite of that is where the magic happens!

—Jenny Cyphers

More by
Jenny Cyphers and Pam Sorooshian
photo by Rippy Dusseldorp

Logic trumps reaction

Reactionary isn't always bad, unless someone moves in and lives there.

---

Do things that make sense.

Chat on Help has the first quote
and SandraDodd.com/readalittle is close to the second one.
photo by Gina Trujillo

Observation and more

"Wondering is what takes people—including children—from observation to something else, to asking questions and looking for answers."

—Meredith Novak

SandraDodd.com/meredithnovak
photo by Sandra Dodd

Change the way you see.

People don't become really good at unschooling without changing the way they see themselves and the world.

SandraDodd.com/radiotranscript
photo by Sandra Dodd
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Confident and independent children

Jihong Tang wrote:

I was told by being with them all the time, by saying yes most of the time, by not setting the boundary (in a traditional sense), by parenting without punishment, I would have clingy and spoiled kids. The reality is quite the opposite: they are very independent and well adjusted.

The simple truth: we just spend lots of time together and have lots of shared experience and memory. That makes big differences. It is 365x24x60x60 shared moments (31,536,000 seconds a year).

—Jihong Tang

SandraDodd.com/why
photo by Sandra Dodd

Learning

How will they learn to learn?

By learning.

SandraDodd.com/faq
photo by Sandra Dodd

Stop struggling

When someone says "I struggle with..." the answer is "stop struggling." Not to give up on change, but instead of struggling with the old thing, turn all the way away from it, and do the new thing. BE the new thing.

SandraDodd.com/decisions
photo by Dylan Lewis

There it is.

Robert Prieto wrote:

If strewing seems manipulative, think of Mother Nature. Nature has strewn a whole world out there, full of trees and people and birds and animals and rocks and shells and plants and bugs… We each get particular pieces of what she has to offer, based on where we live and how we live (urban/rural, traveler/homebody, etc.)—and those pieces are sitting right there for everyone to pick through, explore, enjoy, and learn from.

That is all strewing needs to be. Here's the world, kids—and here's a few things from that world that I think you in particular might like, or a few things that relate to you in some way. Have at it.

—Robert Prieto

I've changed this to past tense, later:Robert Prieto spoke at ALLive in Maine in September [2014].
There's a photo of him here: SandraDodd.com/strew/strew
photo by Sandra Dodd
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Do it

Do it,       and do it,             and quietly do it.

SandraDodd.com/doit
photo by Sandra Dodd

Produce happiness

Having a happy home comes from the creation and maintenance of happy conditions. Produce as much as you can. You'll fill yourself up and it will overflow, and your family might even have enough to share with friends and strangers!


That was written in explanation of having shared a quote I got from watching "Being Erica," a Canadian TV series, in which Dr. Tom (one of the main characters) quoted George Bernard Shaw: "We have no more right to consume happiness without producing it than to consume wealth without producing it."

photo by Julie D
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Doing and being

They don’t live to grow up. They’re living in the present. They don’t relate to questions about what they will do later or be when they’re grown. They’re doing and being now.

SandraDodd.com/sustainable
photo by Colleen Prieto

Acceptance

Unschooling and relationships work better when one partner accepts the other's interests, hobbies and ways of being.

SandraDodd.com/acceptance
photo by Karen James
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Safe place, time and space

The best unschooling parents aim to avoid punishments and shaming. They try to facilitate learning and joy, peace and happiness. They slowly and incrementally learn to make choices themselves and soon they can better assist their children in learning to make thoughtful choices. They try to nurture their children by creating a safe place, and time and space for them to play, to explore and to grow up whole and undamaged.

SandraDodd.com/betterpartner
photo by Karen James
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Work hard and happily

When I was a child and was assigned chores, I learned to do the job in a rudimentary fashion as quickly as possible. My kids never learned any such thing, and when they work at jobs, they work hard and happily.

SandraDodd.com/teenager
photo by Jill Parmer
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Deep and clear

Pam Sorooshian wrote:

When we started unschooling, my mom kept saying that she was worried I would "lose myself" in it—that I wouldn't have time for myself. She was very very wrong. I found myself and very very deep meaning to life and a much more clear sense of what's important.

—Pam Sorooshian

SandraDodd.com/peace/mama
photo by Sandra Dodd

Where are you living?

Don't live in fear when you can live in joy.

SandraDodd.com/beginning
photo by Colleen Prieto

This line has been quoted twice before but not so briefly:
Live in joy (June 2012) and Time, change, learning

Holly likes green chile

Green chile is a New Mexico staple. Ten or twelve years ago, I wrote this, in a discussion about reading:

We've used this "someday you will" or "you just don't yet" about all kinds of things, from reading to caring about the opposite sex to foods. Holly doesn't like green chile yet. She figures she will ("When my taste buds die" she jokes), because her brothers didn't used to and now they do. Kirby lately started liking mushrooms. Marty still doesn't like spinach yet, but we haven't branded him "a spinach hater," and I don't think anyone should consider a child "a non-reader," just one who "doesn't read yet."

SandraDodd.com/r/encouragement
photo by Sandra Dodd

Simply put...

When you are kind, it changes the kind of person you are. When you are patient, it makes you a better person.

More simply put, kind is kinder, patient is more patient and better is better.

SandraDodd.com/mentalhealth
photo by Bruno Machado

A happy little life

"I concluded a year or so ago that, if there is such a thing as reincarnation, I'd like to come back as a little flame on a birthday candle sometime. It would be a very short cycle, but man, it would be a happy one."

—Gina Trujillo

SandraDodd.com/cake
photo by SouleMama

Protection can backfire

Something Joyce Fetteroll wrote in September 2010:

What if you live your life fearing the worst and guarding against it? Your child will grow up immersed in the idea the world is scary and stronger than he is and he needs armor (or mom) to protect him. (As much as you might try, you won't be able to hide your fears from him.) Is that what you want?


Or he'll think you're full of baloney. He'll see people doing the things you fear—like drinking soda—and they're healthy and strong. He'll then realize you don't know what you're talking about and tune you out. That won't be so good when your fears are justified (like about unprotected sex and drinking and driving.)

Those are worst case scenarios but it's likely he'll have a bit of those if you live your life protecting him from the world.

—Joyce Fetteroll

Related ideas: SandraDodd.com/trust.html
photo by Sandra Dodd
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Slow down

"The biggest thing that helped me with young kids was just to slow down."

—Jill Parmer

SandraDodd.com/youngchildren
photo by Sandra Dodd