Shine a light

"Shine a light ahead for them, and lend them a hand, but don't drag or push them."

—Pam Sorooshian

How to Be a Good Unschooler, by Pam Sorooshian
photo by Sandra Dodd

Trustworthy

As with so many other things (every other thing, maybe) in our lives, it wasn't that single slice that "worked," it was the whole set of everything. They trusted me because I had spent years being trustworthy.

SandraDodd.com/sharing
photo by Sandra Dodd

Quicker and sooner

\The more quickly you empty your cup and open yourself to new ideas uncritically, the sooner you will see natural learning blossom.

SandraDodd.com/deschooling
photo by Sandra Dodd
Yvoire, on Lake Geneva

How and what to change

Pam Sorooshian, eight years ago, on becoming the parent you want to be:

Stop thinking about changing "for good and not just for days or moments." That is just another thing to overwhelm you and you don't need that!

Just change the next interaction you have with the kids.

Stop reading email right now and do something "preventative"—'something that helps build your relationship with them. Fix them a little tray of cheese and crackers and take it to them, wherever they are, unasked. Sit down on the floor and play with them. If nothing else, just go and give each of them a little hug and a kiss and say, "I was just thinking about how much I love you."

Okay—so that is one good, positive interaction.

Again—just change the next interaction you have with the kids. Focus on making the next interaction another one that builds up your relationship.

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I appreciate that Pam Sorooshian has let me collect her writing and quote her for many years. There are others who have been similarly wise and generous. It is a gift I enjoy every time I come across their words. —Sandra

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Becoming the Parent you Want to Be
photo by Sandra Dodd, of a prairie dog a couple of miles from my house; behind him is the root of some old dead tree (in case you were trying to figure out what that was)

Words, ideas, pictures and knowledge

About words, and learning:

As they got older, and war games, movies about history, and international celebrities came over their intellectual horizon, so did trivia about the borders of countries.

What's with Tibet? Taiwan? When did Italy and France settle into their current borders? Why does Monaco have royalty? The Vatican really has cash machines in Latin? What's the difference between UK and Great Britain? Is Mexico in north or central America? Were Americans REALLY that afraid of and ignorant about the Soviet Union in the 60's?

In answering those questions, the terms and trivia of history, geography, philosophy, religion and political science come out. The words are immediately useful, and tied to ideas and pictures and knowledge the child has already absorbed, awaiting just the name, or the definitions, or the categories.

SandraDodd.com/words/words
photo by Sandra Dodd

Building trust

"Make a mental note of those times when you know in your soul that this is really working well. That act helps you gain understanding, confidence, and ultimately build trust in the process of unschooling, and in your children. The deepest trust happens when you see it in action for yourself, when your understanding meshes with your experiences—that's when you 'feel it in your bones'."

—Pam Laricchia

The quote is from the manuscript of Pam Laricchia's forthcoming book, Free to Live, which should be available by the beginning of 2013,
and is used with the author's permission.
photo by Sandra Dodd

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2020 update: That was Pam's second book and there are others now, too!
Pam Laricchia's Books
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Don't finish everything you start

The only things that should be finished are those things that seem worthwhile to do.

When I'm reading a book, I decide by the moment whether to keep reading or to stop. Even writing this post, I could easily click out of it and not finish, or I could finish it and decide not to post it. Choices, choices, choices.

SandraDodd.com/finishwhatyoustart
(There is new art there, by Karen James.)
photo by Sandra Dodd
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Aware and conscious

My children are mindful, thoughtful, aware and conscious of the choices they make.

Life is full of decisions.

SandraDodd.com/decisions
photo by Sandra Dodd

Busy

How might a parent act on a really busy day?

If the mom learns and then demonstrates that giving can make a person feel happy, *then* she might have children who are also generous and kind. If the mom acts pouty and whiney and martyrly, she will have children who are confused and needy and resentful.

Being a Happy Mom
photo by Sandra Dodd

Remembering negativity

When people are very cynical, they seem to imagine that if all the things they think are stupid are eliminated, what's left will be non-stupid. Smartness. Cleverness. Art. Good music. But once so many things are eliminated, what's left is a cynical person who has rejected half the world, and has the memories of all the details of that negativity.

SandraDodd.com/negativity
photo by Sandra Dodd
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Flowing clearly

Clarifying thought, it turns, out, is what unschooling is all about, for the parents. When the parents are clear, then learning can flow around them.


SandraDodd.com/clarity
photo by Sandra Dodd

Nice and often

Be as nice to your child as you can be, as often as you can be.

Partnerships and Teams in the Family
photo by Sandra Dodd

Beneath, around and beyond

Peace, in an exchange, has to do with tone of voice, eyes, posture, attitude, intention, compassion—all the non-verbal communications that go with words and actions. Don't underestimate your child's ability to read beneath and around and beyond your statements. You would do well to try to read behind his words, too.

page 209 (or 243) of The Big Book of Unschooling
photo by Marty Dodd, of Ashlee and himself

Don't do this at home

Almost any piece of routine damage school can do to a child, parents can do at home. Parents can make their kids hate math. They can make them never want to read a book again. They can make them want nothing more than to grow up and get away. So with unschooling, when people ask me what I think makes it work, I tell them the kids have to have a choice.

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from Living Unschooling with Sandra Dodd
photo by Sandra Dodd

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Note: I do avoid "have to" but in an if/then situation, sometimes there's something a person has to have to enable the desired condition. If unschooling is going to work, kids have to have choices. Parents do not "have to" give their children choices. Unschooling parents will find themselves choosing to do so.

Examined lives

Today I'm quoting Joyce Fetteroll:

If a parent has found something that works for their family without understanding why it worked and how much personality played in it, then for others it's little better than rolling dice and picking some technique at random.

On the other hand, those who are living examined lives. thinking about and discussing why something works in the context of growing relationships, that's way better than dice! And no one should swallow what's said uncritically. They should take it in, turn it over, ask questions and examine it for themselves.

Critical examination is better for reaching clear goals than pretty sentiments of "following the heart" and "mom knows best."

SandraDodd.com/joyce/followyourheart
photo by Sandra Dodd
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A collection of bad ideas: "Support"
A collection of good ideas: my Joyce page

Support children's interests

"A child can only be six for one year. And sometimes there is a small window of time where a child finds a thing intriguing and wonderful and if it's missed it can never be experienced again in quite the same stirring and magical way."

—Deb Lewis

Read what this was about here: SandraDodd.com/limits/listening
photo by Sandra Dodd

The quote was found and shared on facebook by Allison Hollis Batey. I fixed up its home page after she quoted it. Thanks, Allison!

Beautiful, fragile thoughts

Let your children make discoveries with their own new eyes. Don't show-and-tell them into a helpless stupor. Be with them, pay attention to what they're seeing for the first time and be poised to explain if they ask, or point out something interesting if they miss it, but try to learn to be patient and open to their first observations and thoughts. Like bubbles, or dandelion puffs, they are beautiful and fragile and if you even blow on it too hard, it will never be there again.

Practice being. Practice waiting. Practice watching.

Let them experience the world with you nearby keeping them safe and supported.

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from page 124 (or 136), "Experiences," in The Big Book of Unschooling

which leads to SandraDodd.com/peace/newview

photo by Sandra Dodd

Swirly World

Because of school, many people think of geography as maps and nothing more. There is a story in every line on every map. There's a story in the name of each nation and region, and in the difference between what they call themselves and what the neighbors call them. When a map is in a certain language, it affects the names of everything. The English word for "Germany" is not what will appear on a map in German, nor in French, nor in Icelandic. Looking at those names is a study in the history of Germany. People who speak any language in Europe have a relationship and history with what English speakers call "Germany" (which we have from the Roman "Germania").

The world is all a-swirl with music and maps and photographs of interesting architecture, costumes and ancient weaponry and technology. Gypsy carts and camel caravans and steam locomotives have their places on the planet, and nobody has to memorize anything to sort them out into their times and cultures.


The first paragraph is from page 81 (or 89) of The Big Book of Unschooling.
The second one is from SandraDodd.com/geography.
photo by Sandra Dodd, of a children's maze in Windsor U.K., and tennis courts, road markings, and hedges, taken from an observation wheel. Click it to enlarge. If you click that enlargement, you might see men playing bowls to the left.
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What are teens thinking?

Pam Sorooshian, on teens' natural fears:

Sometimes teens need a LOT of reassurance. So just keep showing him your confidence in him at the same time that you understand and sympathize with his fears. It is sometimes harder on our unschooled kids at this age than their schooled counterparts because our kids are entering adulthood eyes wide open—they "get it" that they are moving into adult responsibilities, etc., and they are (justifiably) sometimes freaked out by it all. The schooled kids more often don't really grasp what's coming—they're just following orders, going through the expected motions. Our unschooled kids are thinking—and their thoughts can be overwhelming and scary and they can easily feel inadequate to face the future.

—Pam Sorooshian

SandraDodd.com/teen/angst
photo by Sandra Dodd
of directional signals
on a retired London bus

Strong Wholeness

Integrity is a strong wholeness....

Part of the integrity of some of the young adult and teen unschoolers I know comes from their having grown up relatively undamaged. They have a wholeness most young people are never allowed to have, or which is destroyed by the realities of school's grading system and its too-glorified "socialization."

SandraDodd.com/integrity
photo by Sandra Dodd

Shakespeare

A mom named Leonie once wrote:

My then-six-year-old once, when we were chatting to a priest friend over coffee, gave a quote from Shakespeare. The priest said he was impressed by our homeschool curriculum and a six year old knowing Shakespeare. I said so was I, since we didn't have a curriculum, and I wondered how my son knew the quote. I asked. "From reading Asterix comics" was his answer!

SandraDodd.com/strew/shakespeare
photo by Sandra Dodd, of ironwork on a gate at Windsor Castle
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Do it.

Until a person stops doing the things that keep unschooling from working,
unschooling can't begin to work.

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SandraDodd.com/doit
title art by Robert and Robbie Prieto

Balance

People can believe that there is centeredness, balance, and right-living without any belief in God.

SandraDodd.com/spirituality
photo by Sandra Dodd, Windsor UK
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Year Three Begins Today

I hope the ideas and links on this blog have helped you and your family live rich and peaceful lives. I am honored by the number of readers and by the positive feedback.

Thank you for reading, for trying these ideas at home, and for sharing them with your friends.

Through the month of September 2012, I am requesting assistance and will send gifts. If your life, learning or relationships benefit from this information, please consider participating. Gift Exchange Information: SandraDodd.com/giftExchange

photo by Sandra Dodd

Being means being

Pushpa Ramachandran wrote about being with her child:

“Being” with her means being mindful...

“Being” with her means being available to play...

“Being” with her means being emotionally available...

“Being” with her means being connected. In body, spirit and mind. Connection translates to being curious about something that she might have found. Connection translates to trying to find more things that might tie into something that she might have liked before. Connection could translate to being excited about a bug or a thread or a cartoon. It means creating a life that is full of rich experiences, some of which might be jumping in puddles, or holding a snake. Others might involve just going grocery shopping or scrubbing the kitchen floor. The idea of connection at the core, I think, is to feel alive, rejoice in her feeling alive and live those moments together.

—Pushpa Ramachandran

Estar con los hijos (translated by Ana Paulina Maya, in Colombia)

Being with my child
photo by Pushpa Ramachandran
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Goals and vehicles

Joyce Fetteroll wrote:

Unschooling shouldn't be a goal. It's a vehicle that's well suited for getting to particular goals. Some of those goals are joyful living, whole children, learning through interests ...Unschooling isn't the only vehicle that can get to those goals. And those aren't the only goals.


There's more of that, at this page: SandraDodd.com/singleparent
and the ideas are good for non-single parents, too.

photo by Sandra Dodd

Count to ten

About calming down by counting to ten...


Counting to ten only works if you're breathing slowly and deeply and looking at (or thinking of) the sky or something else airy and big and peaceful. The purpose of counting to ten is to let the adrenaline pass and to think of some good options from which you can choose. If you count to ten holding your breath, holding your frustration, with a roaring anger in your ears, the adrenaline isn't dissipating—it's just being focused into a beam of extraordinarily dangerous power.

While you're breathing, you might want to think, "I love these people," or "whatever I say could last forever." Think of what you want to be and what you want to create. See what you want, and what you don't want.
A Loud Peaceful Home
photo by Sandra Dodd, of a sun-show one day at a zoo in India

Accept contagion

Negativity is contagious. Joy can be contagious, unless one is wielding the sword of negativity, protected by the shield of cynicism.

Don't defend your negativity.

Allow yourself to be infected with other people's joy.

"Happiness Inside and Out"
photo by Sandra Dodd, of flowers growing on drainpipes and ledges in Staines, in Surrey, in 2012
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Who resists learning?

Pam Sorooshian, on her daughters' experiences in college:

Unschooling seemed to have given them HUGE advantages in college. They were, frankly, shocked at the poor preparation and attitudes of most other students. Other students seemed to them to be "going through the motions," but were not really interested in learning.

It is hard to explain, but all three of my kids and all of their unschooled friends who have gone to college have repeatedly tried to articulate that there seemed to be "something wrong" with so many of the other students and that they seemed actually resistant to learning. The unschooled kids were there because they wanted to be there, first of all. They knew they had a choice and that makes a big difference. A sense of coercion leads to either outright rebellion, passive resistance, or apathy and my kids saw all of those playing out among the majority of their fellow students.

That quote is the middle of something longer that's here: SandraDodd.com/college
The photo is of Roya Sorooshian, and I don't know who took it.

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Notes:
1) Pam Sorooshian has been a college economics professor longer than she has been a mother.
2) "College," in American terminology, is the early years of what is called elsewhere "university." Sorry for the difference in English-speaking-countries' disconnect on this. In the British system, "college" is what would be our last two years of high school, in a way, sort of; sorry.

Parental improvement

Sometimes parents are needy, and unschooling can help. They can feel fulfilled by being a present, focused, direct parent.

I've gained a lot of happiness from being a good parent. Not "better than," but as good a parent as I could figure out how to be. Better than I would have been if I hadn't focussed on that.

SandraDodd.com/peace/becoming
photo by Holly Dodd
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Happiness helps

Happiness helps learning. Biochemically, joy is better than dismay. Optimism is better than negativity.
SandraDodd.com/negativity
photo by Sandra Dodd

Pleasant and safe

I think putting a child out for turning 18, or 20, or 21 is as arbitrary as putting a child in school for turning five.

If home isn't pleasant and safe, a young adult will leave with just anybody. If "anything is better than home," that creates a dangerous situation.

The quote is from a discussion on facebook,
but here's a cousin-link: SandraDodd.com/youngadults
photo by Sandra Dodd

Ouija Book

In The Big Book of Unschooling I mentioned on one page that if someone had randomly opened the book to that page, that...

Well there are two such mentions:

If you've turned to this page in random Ouija-Book fashion, welcome! If you arrived here methodically, page-by-page, you won't be surprised at what I'm about to say.

and on another page

Or maybe you've turned randomly to this page without reading anything else and you don't know what I'm talking about. This wasn't a good first-random-page. Maybe flip again, and come back to this page later.

One of the moms who bought the book that first day said she had randomly turned to one of those pages, and was amused by seeing that note.

Don't stay too long.

     Read a little.
           Try a little.
               Wait a while.
                    Watch.

SandraDodd.com/bigbook/random
photo by Sandra Dodd

New life

When a child’s life is full of sights, sounds, tastes, smells, textures, people and places, he will learn. When he feels safe and loved, he will learn. When parents begin to recover from their own ideas of what learning should look like (what they remember from school), then they begin a new life of natural learning, too.

Interview published 8/22/12
photo by Sandra Dodd of backyard birdfeeders
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Glean

English has an old word people don't use much anymore which is also used of a person learning on his own. "Glean."

If I read a book and glean something from it, it means I myself took something, a little, that wasn't entirely intended for me to get.

SandraDodd.com/wordswordsother
photo by Sandra Dodd, of a volunteer sunflower in the compost bin

Allowed to learn

Pam Sorooshian wrote:

Surround your child with text of all kinds and he/she will learn to read. Read to them, read in front of them, help them, don't push them. Children allowed to learn on their own timetable do learn to read at widely divergent times—there is NO right time for all children. Some learn to read at three years old and others at 12 or even older. It doesn't matter. Children who are not yet reading are STILL learning—support their learning in their own way. Pushing children to try to learn to read before they are developmentally ready is probably a major cause of long-term antipathy toward reading, at best, and reading disabilities, at worst.

—Pam Sorooshian

SandraDodd.com/pam/howto
which has been translated into Portuguese by Marta Pires:
Como Ser um Bom "Unschooler"
photo by Sandra Dodd

Wonder and flow

Without wonder—a combination of curiosity and acceptance of the unknown as a potential friend—natural learning won't flow.


SandraDodd.com/wonder
photo by Sandra Dodd

Normal for unschoolers

"I tell people that I'm amazed every day by what my kids know and learn. It seems miraculous. It's not, really. It's normal. I see it as miraculous because I was indoctrinated to believe that none of this could happen outside of school and without teachers."

—Alysia Berman

SandraDodd.com/gettingit
photo by Sandra Dodd
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A small decision

Joyce Fetteroll wrote:

The best way for introverts to learn to socialize is with the people they're comfortable with: their family. And then whatever friends they feel comfortable with.

Then when they're older and their desire to get something from a group is greater than their discomfort of being in a group, they'll have the skills they picked up from people they trust.

—Joyce Fetteroll

SandraDodd.com/introvert
photo by Janine Davies

Protect the peace

One of my main principles has been that it's my job to protect the peace of each of my children in his or her own home insofar as I can. I'm not just here to protect them from outsiders, axe-murderers and boogie-men of whatever real or imagined sort, but from each other as well.

SandraDodd.com/peace/fightingcomments
photo by Sandra Dodd