Some good comparisons

It can be healing for parents to think back to their own sorrows and then to their own children's freedom from those experiences.

SandraDodd.com/freedom/from (What unschooled children will not know)
photo by Sandra Dodd
of a sculpture in Old Town
Albuquerque

Stir up some peace

Sandra Dodd (in 2017—general discussion, not unschooling):

There is a natural need in people to know the "us" and the "them." Those who want an inclusive, multicultural, liberal, accepting life will still have a "them." It's easy to revile "the enemy." It might be impossible NOT to have the idea of "other." But creating a "culture" or nation that is created of a combination of others won't save any individual from their own instincts.

Deb Lewis wrote (in the midst of other things):

You can't clean up a pile of shit by shitting on it.

Sandra Dodd, to that:

The people who are cleaning up can feel hatred for those who keep shitting on it (whatever the "it" is they're cleaning up).. . . . Hating those other people makes you hateful.

There isn't a final solution, but there are things to make it (the big pile of shit) worse, and ways to make our own moment in time better. Enough good moments might make a good day. Don't collect shit unless you want a shitty day.

Back to nowadays...
I know it's not the most uplifting quote, but a reminder that negativity is negative might help parents of children who are still at home to be positively sweet and present. Stir up some peace.

SandraDodd.com/antagonism
photo by Holly Dodd

Sensible, good and generous

FIRST read and understand and have a realistic grasp of the principles and start saying yes to your children for sensible and good and generous reasons you understand.
SandraDodd.com/yes

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SandraDodd.com/gradualchange
photo by Sarah S.

History

Museums and historical markers can be fun, but most of the history around us is unmarked and undocumented.

Every little bit of trivia gives you a hook to hang more history on.

SandraDodd.com/history
photo by Sandra Dodd

Find the joy in it!

In 2012, I responded to a mom's frustration about how to limit, or not, TV and computer use.

There are many benefits to letting them choose their own input, and a world of disadvantages to controlling it. Find the joy in it!

Here are some ideas that might be helpful:

SandraDodd.com/control

SandraDodd.com/t/economics

SandraDodd.com/being/

SandraDodd.com/videogames/

Original in comments on a post called "Sharing"
photo by Janine Davies

The whole set of everything

We didn't have problems with our unlimited turns, but it's because nobody ever played longer than he really wanted to just to keep another kid from getting on. Not even nearly. If Kirby knew he wanted to play for a really long time, he would offer Marty a turn, knowing Marty couldn't last so long. Sometimes I would appeal to one of them to trade out, but it was for real reasons every single time. "Kirby has to go to karate, so can he go now and you can play all the time he's gone?" or "Holly's pretty sleepy anyway, and wanted to play Zoombinis. Can she have her turn soon?"

As with so many other things (every other thing, maybe) in our lives, though, it wasn't that single slice that "worked," it was the whole set of everything. They trusted me because I had spent years being trustworthy. They knew there was no secret agenda, and that I really did want them to all have fun things to do, and that they WOULD get to be on the computer uninterrupted, soon.

---

That was in the dial-up days. The world is better now, with more computers in homes, with wifi, with tablets. At the link below you can also read how Pam Sorooshian handled sharing a different way, when she had three children at home.

SandraDodd.com/sharing
Helping Children Share
photo by Sandra Dodd
(re-used, because it's from the days of the writing)
___

What you can see

What someone can see outside in Hawaii won't be the same as in Morocco, or Japan, but luckily this blog gets photos from all over the world—inside houses and out.

I appreciate people's beautiful (or funny, or kid-capturing) photos, and their willingness to share them, for the inspiration of readers who hope to improve their family's peace and learning.

Exotic-themed posts
photo by Stacie Mahoe

Safe, supported and believed in

Karen James, January 3, 2017
(Ethan was 14 in that story)

Last night, I went downstairs where Ethan has his computer room set up. I asked if I could try the new VR set we got for him over the holidays. He set it up for me. He turned off all the lights, moved the cord out of my path, put the headset over my eyes, put the paddles on the floor behind me and said, "There you go. Now find the paddles. They're behind you." Then he went upstairs to make himself a burrito.

Frozen in place, I called out, "Don't leave me! I don't know what to do!" but he was already gone. I'm sure he heard me, but he knew I was safe and trusted I would discover what to do. I soon did. I slowly turned around, surveying my new environment. I looked down, and there were the paddles in my view! I picked them up. Now what? I started clicking and pulling and jabbing air. I began walking carefully around. I found the walls. I found out how to move beyond them. I discovered how to open new programs—new worlds and new things to explore.

Ethan returned with his burrito, and ate it far enough to not interfere with my play, but close enough to be able to watch and listen to me. I could hear him. I told him how excited I was. I played for a good long time. I tossed a stick to a robot dog in a meadow in Iceland. I caught planets in their orbits around the sun, looked at them, then tossed them into the surrounding stars. It was magical.

A good part of the magic was in what I learned along the way and the confidence that grew from each new discovery. The fact that Ethan left that magic intact by not telling me everything ahead of time struck me as thoughtful, insightful and trusting. I felt it was significant how certain Ethan seems that a person will learn what they need to know when they're safe, supported and believed in. His understanding of and respect for the personal nature of that learning moved me too. This is an interesting journey.

—Karen James

SandraDodd.com/learning
photo by Karen James
I couldn't show anything like what Karen saw, but this might be the dark room.

Various doorways

Joyce Fetteroll wrote:

Learning is defined not just as sucking in information about something the child is interested in. Learning is also figuring out the big picture and how things connect. Figuring out how stuff works, figuring out how people work, making connections, seeing patterns. This is a mechanical, biological process. It's how humans—all learning animals really—naturally learn, how kids are born learning.

Natural learning is like a doorway. We can't change the doorway but we can change the outside world so kids can more easily reach what intrigues them.

—Joyce Fetteroll
(original)

SandraDodd.com/joycefetteroll
photo by Sandra Dodd, in Pérouges, France

Experiences flowing over

Me, a few hours ago, to a longtime unschooling mom, and friend, across the world:

When people say I don't know anything about unschooling except my own kids and my own family, a flood of families flow over my memories, of people who have shared with me and (often) the whole world how things were unfolding, in small moments and over years. 🙂

Without the internet, we couldn't have zoomed along on that flow of encouraging information.

—Sandra Dodd

SandraDodd.com/learning
photo by Jihong Tang

Thoughtful and mindful

I don't like the term "authentic," of human behavior. It suggests that all those doing anything differently are false, inauthentic, wrong.

If it means being thoughtful and mindful, those are much better terms and concepts to use. If it means living by principles and making careful decisions rather than stumbling along following vague rules, then let's talk about living by principles. But "authenticity" is a false clarity. It's not as real as it sounds.

SandraDodd.com/issues/authenticity
photo by Karen James

Fun and learning

Robin wrote:

I'm sure on any given day I could look at what we're doing and say "We haven't done much today" and I could choose to freak out about it and panic. But when I look back over a week or a month I can see the rich tapestry of fun and learning that is our life.

—Robin ("Blue Skies")
Robin's Typical Days

SandraDodd.com/typical
photo by Sarah Dickinson

The Fabric of Life

When learning is recognized in the fabric of life and encouraged, when families make their decisions based on what leads to more interesting and educational ends, children learn without effort, often without even knowing it, and parents learn along with them.

SandraDodd.com/unschool/allkinds
scanner art by Sandra Dodd; click it for more info

An important distinction

I remember being corrected on saying someone "taught themself" something and thinking it was bullshit semantics, needlessly picky, and a little snide. Now I understand that distinction so well and it's very important.

— Pamela C,
after a year or so
of unschooling

SandraDodd.com/teaching
photo by Cátia Maciel

Purely learning

Facebook Memories showed me that someone on another continent had quoted me, years ago:

Learning does not teach us, but from learning we learn.

I still haven't found her source, but in looking I found its "wordier" cousin posted here in 2011:

Mastering ideas about learning

As some of my articles are being translated (now into Japanese, French and Italian) I see how much of my writing and thinking is about language itself, and so some of these ideas won't translate. But sometimes, that fact is very good. Some of our confusion about teaching and students and study and learning, in English, has to do with the words we use, and if the problems don't exist in other languages, that's wonderful for them.

In Romance language (Italian, French, Spanish and so on) our "teacher" translates to something along the lines of "maestro," a word we have too in regards to music direction. And we have the English cognate "master" which is more currently left in "master of arts" and other college-degree titles. Once that meant a person was qualified to teach at the university level. That meaning is gone in the U.S., pretty much.

Considering the word family from which "maestro" comes (and not knowing all its connotations in other languages), the English verb "to master" means to learn. It means to become accomplished in the doing of something. Whether mastering horseback riding or blacksmithing or knowing and controlling one's own emotions, it's not something someone else does to you or for you.

So for any translators or bilinguals reading here, have sympathy for English speakers who can't get to natural learning without disentangling all the graspy words and ideas about teaching and education and their implications that learning is passive and teaching must be done to a person.

SandraDodd.com/wordswordsother
photo by Sandra Dodd

Exploring interesting things

Joyce Fetteroll wrote:

What can we do to help natural learning along?

We can help our kids explore their interests. If they're exploring their interests, they're doing real world work that will provide feedback on how well they're putting their puzzles together. We can bring the world to them so they have access to new interests. They can't know they're interested in the Titanic or haiku poetry or sheep shearing if they don't know they exist.

—Joyce Fetteroll

SandraDodd.com/joyce/talk
photo by Sandra Dodd

Broadening horizons

From responses to a charge that unschooling couldn't broaden a child's horizons:

As to broadening horizons, sitting at a table with an assigned book is less likely to do that than a life filled with going, doing, seeing, touching, tasting, hearing and communicating honestly from inside while learning. Children DO have questions when they're in the process of learning things. It doesn't broaden horizons for a book to tell them which ten questions were the RIGHT ones to have at the end of each chapter.

—Sandra Dodd, 2004

Related ideas: SandraDodd.com/connections/
photo by Irene Adams, from her front yard

Dance around; save the world

Deb Lewis, once upon a time:

I wrote once before about how dish washing has come to be my mental health moment. I light a candle, I make some tea or pour a glass of wine, turn on some music, take off my shoes, and do just the dishes I want to do. I use dish soap that smells great—LOVE that hot water...sigh. I never start out feeling like I *have to* do *all* the dishes. I think how I want to have clean dishes and do however many I feel like doing. I dance around a little. I plan my garden. I save the world. It's never just about doing dishes.

—Deb Lewis

Feeling "taken advantage of"
mostly-unrelated photo by Deb Lewis

Thoughtfully and respectfully

Cara Potter wrote:

Having the concepts of authenticity and freedom foremost in your mind doesn't help unschooling - they're freighted with political meaning - actually, all sorts of meanings -that have little to do with unschooling. Better to instead think of helping your child make choices - choices that take others into consideration, (which is respect).

What we as unschoolers are doing is helping our children learn to make choices so that they can live and thrive in the world. You can do that without getting tied up in knots about authenticity and freedom.

There'a an Annie Dillard quotes that always makes me think of this process - "How we live our days is how we live our lives."

If you live your days being kind to your family and helping your child make choices that take other's feelings and expectations into consideration you'll be helping him learn how to have live thoughtfully and respectfully in the world.

—Cara Potter

SandraDodd.com/nest
photo by Colleen Prieto

What to wear...

If a parent tells a child "You can wear ANYTHING YOU WANT TO!" the parent isn't being honest, helpful or truthful, unless they're just going to be at home and no one is coming over, and they have all the choices in the whole world.

Depending on the destination or weather, there are many inappropriate clothing choices. The parent should be helping the child learn what's good, and when there are lots of options, and when there are fewer.

It's not oppressive to coach a child about what's appropriate to wear to a funeral (NOT a swimsuit and goggles, even if it's a burial at sea) or to a wedding (NOT a black dress and black veil).

SandraDodd.com/coaching
photo by Julie D

Ideas, changing, carefully

Take a little time to try out new ideas up next to your old ones. Thinking about why you are where you are, thoughtwise, is a good tool in deciding where you might rather be.

SandraDodd.com/better
photo by Jihong Tang

Clarity and choices

Karen James wrote:

Freedom is a lovely word. It’s a huge concept. It has a very meaningful place in our society. It is important to a lot of people for very honourable and very real reasons.

Freedom is too big a focal point for unschooling though. It’s not that it can’t be celebrated and talked about. I believe it can. But if our aim is to have clarity in unschooling, our focus seems better directed at more succinct and relevant concepts to grasp and implement. Concrete ideas that can carry us forward through all of the stages, through any situation, and into a healthy, productive adulthood.

—Karen James

SandraDodd.com/choices/
photo of an airplane by Sandra Dodd
(click the image and zoom a bit if you can't see the plane)

A wonderful collection

"The unschooling environment I create at home is just a wonderful collection of the best examples I have from the past and the present."

—Rippy Dusseldorp

SandraDodd.com/deschooling
photo by Sandra Dodd, at her own house

Thinking and maybe rethinking

"Thoughts and opinions that don't match reality should be rethought."

—Joyce Fetteroll

SandraDodd.com/tvchoice
photo by Sandra Dodd

Going all in

Jen Keefe wrote:

I fought motherhood for a long time. What helped me settle in and fall in love with this life and in practical love with my kids was going all in.

—Jen Keefe

SandraDodd.com/being/allin
photo by Rosie Moon

A good contagion

Negativity is contagious. Joy can be contagious, unless one is wielding the sword of negativity, protected by the shield of cynicism.

Don't defend your negativity.

Allow yourself to be infected with other people's joy.

"Happiness Inside and Out"
photo by Sandra Dodd, of flowers growing on drainpipes and ledges in Staines, in Surrey, in 2012

Commonplace, everyday things

I got to see both of those things. Both photos are by me. I love modern cameras.

The first was in Scotland, in 2013. The second was in New Mexico, in 2019. Those cows are not normal (in my personal experience), but the other is a plain-old view. Both sorts of conditions are there, for some people, every day, and have been for centuries.

Seeing with those thoughts in mind can help with gratitude and abundance. Think of people from other places who have never seen the plants or trees or animals you can easily see on an everyday day.

I hope you see beauty today.

Normal or exotic?
photos by Sandra Dodd
P.S. It can also be fun to imagine having time-traveling relatives visit and see your house and collections and gadgets. People from a hundred years ago would be as interested as people from the future. Appreciate your stuff!

Seeing learning

If beginners don't go through a phase in which they REALLY focus on seeing learning outside of academic formalities, they will not be able to see around academics.

SandraDodd.com/peace/newview
photo by Lisa Jonick

Be very engaged

"I made my marriage very important to me. I chose to be very engaged in my marriage as a part of raising children."

—Schuyler Waynforth

SandraDodd.com/spouses
photo by Sandra Dodd

Connection and trust

Leah Rose wrote:

Unschooling, deschooling, parenting peacefully, all of it called to me, deeply, but it felt like a huge risk, a giant gamble. But I'm so glad we didn't pull back, that we continued down the path. ...

Learning to parent mindfully, keeping my focus in the present, making choices towards peace, towards help and support, is not, as it turns out, much of a gamble or a risk. It is the surest path to connection and trust.

—Leah Rose

SandraDodd.com/guarantee
photo by Marin Holmes

Pleasantly surprised

I was asked:

Did your kids have rules like bedtimes, no candy before dinner ... that sort of thing?

I wrote:

We didn't have those rules, but our kids went to bed every night and didn't eat candy before dinner. It seems crazy to people who believe that the only options are rules or chaos, but our children slept when they were sleepy, and ate when they were hungry (or when something smelled really good, or others were eating), and I was pleasantly surprised to learn that they were able to know what their bodies needed. I grew up by the clock, up at 6:30, eat quickly, bus stop, school, wait until lunch, eat, wait until dinner, go to bed. I had no idea that sleep and food could be separated from a schedule like that, but they can be.

Not so crazy after all
photo by Sandra Dodd

The World as a Museum

Be willing to be surprised where you are, to appreciate the unexpected, and to stop and notice something old or artsy.

What's familiar to you might be brand new to a child.

SandraDodd.com/learning
photo by Sandra Dodd

Healing and validating

Janine Davies wrote:

Victory is what it feels like—the biggest victory in my life so far. I am my own healer and validator. Unschooling my every thought word and deed is my healer, my boys are the absolute proof of my victory and my healing. I am now a sweeter, kinder person—a less judgemental, critical and negative person. I have found again the joy, curiosity and fun that was squished (and often violently) out of my life so much as a child, and I can't get enough of it! Bring it on! Unschooling heals and rocks!

—Janine Davies
SandraDodd.com/healing
(there are two sound files there, in addition
to more writing by Janine and others)

SandraDodd.com/proof
photo by Jihong Tang

Calm and thoughtful joy

What advice do you have for families who are new to homeschooling?

Don't spend money at first. Read, meet other families, let your children have time to do what they're interested in, or what they weren't allowed to do before because of school. If they want to read or play in the yard or ride bikes or watch movies or draw or paint or play games, make that possible for them.

While the children are recovering, the parents can learn about what they want to do and why, and how. There is more online about homeschooling than anyone could ever read. Find the writers and ideas that make sense to you, and pursue that. Don't rush into anything. Parents should learn to be calm and thoughtful instead of panicky and reactionary. It's better for health and decision-making, and it sets a good example for the children. Don't live in fear when you can live in joy.

SandraDodd.com/beginning
photo by Cátia Maciel

Very random

Try to embrace "very random" so unschooling will work optimally! 🙂

Even for kids who are in school, the more parents talk and joke and wonder with them, the more learning will happen, and the better relationships will be.

Webs, nets, connections
photo by Cátia Maciel

Dangerous thoughts

The words of Pam Sorooshian:

People should shush the tapes in their heads and think for themselves. Be brave.

The VERY first thing that really shook me up in listening to unschoolers was at a talk Sandra gave—she said it was okay to think dangerous thoughts. I decided to try it.

I've been thinking, "What if....." ever since. I'm addicted to thinking dangerous thoughts.

From a 2009 chat/interview with Pam Sorooshian;
transcript: SandraDodd.com/chats/pamsorooshian
photo by Marty Dodd
___

Peace and optimism

Jenny Cyphers wrote:

While I don't deny that money can make an unschooling life easier, and that affording opportunities can contribute to a rich full unschooling life, it isn't everything. It can be worked around. Creating peace and optimism and comfort and trusting relationships are bigger and it shows through in times when things are less than ideal.

—Jenny Cyphers

SandraDodd.com/teen/people
photo by Gail Higgins