One step; another step...

How often do you make a choice? How often do you think "I have no choice"? How do decisions happen? How small a decision can you make?         to pause?         to smile?         to sign your name bigger and happier?         to open your windows and your thoughts?

Considering Decisions
photo by Nicole Kenyon

Confident, happy and glad

When my oldest was 18, I was recounting some current doings, and concluded:

He's confident in his skin, in his mind, and in his being.
He's not afraid of his parents.
He goes to sleep happy and he wakes up glad.

My priorities could have been different.

Priorities
photo by Roya Dedeaux

Parental passion

When someone wrote "With younger kids, there is no opportunity to pursue my own passions," Pam Sorooshian responded:

Make becoming a fantastic mom your passion. Make learning all about those kids of yours, your passion. Make having a peaceful and joyful home your passion.

Then you can pursue that while still being fully present with your kids.

—Pam Sorooshian

some commentary on Facebook
or you could read about "Me Time"
photo by Kinsey Norris

Backyard peace and beauty

This photo inspires me to remind people that there can be quiet contemplation next to silly play, and you might have brief solitude, even if someone sees you and takes a picture.

There can be peace in the backyard.

Even in the most candid of mom-photos, a kid's sleeves can impressively match the trampoline.

Observe, appreciate, slow down, accept.

Being Home: SandraDodd.com/being/home
photo by Sarah S.

Freedom and flexibility

Because I was able to be home with them, they didn't have to wait hours to consider whether to talk to me about something or to just share with school friends, as I usually did when I was a kid. Other kids don't always make the sagest of advisors.

We could watch movies together at leisure, and pause and come back to them, or watch the good parts over and over. Some families are trying to squeeze a movie in between "dinnertime" and "bedtime" and wouldn't even think of watching one in the morning or during lunch!

—SandraDodd, 2009

Two of several responses about the advantages of being home, at Homeschooling: Freedom and Fun For Your Family. Also on that page: Alex Polikowsky's answers to the same questions.

(studio photo)

Dance, sing, listen, play

Learning about music can be as happy as dancing in the back yard, singing in the car, or going to watch a bluegrass band at a street festival. Listen to different oldies stations. Play with online song sites. Rent videos of concerts or operas and musical theatre. Don't "make" anyone watch them. Watch them yourself, and others might come to join.

page 83 (or 92) of The Big Book of Unschooling
photo by Cátia Maciel

Real world

The thing I think I've seen more than anything else in some of the older unschoolers, the people who are teens who haven't been to school much or at all, is they are so whole. Their place in the world is real. They're not preparing for the possibility of applying to have a place in the world after they're grown. They are in the world. And there's something so different about that.

Unschooling and Real Learning
photo by Sarah Dickinson

"Truths" that aren't

If someone says "Without high school, one is doomed to poverty," that is a false statement. All of us probably know people who didn't graduate from high school (or its English-school-system or other equivalent) who are happy and maybe wealthy. All of us know (or have been) people who went to a university for four or ten years and ended up working side by side with people who maybe graduated from high school and maybe didn't.

SandraDodd.com/proof is a good continuation,
but the quote is from page 47 or 51 of The Big Book of Unschooling.

photo by Gail Higgins

Pleasant associations

Finding ways not to be grumpy about dishes is a good model and practice field for other choices in life.

We get our dishes from thrift stores, mostly. If one of them bugs me, it can go back to the thrift store.

Sometimes when a mom is really frustrated with doing the dishes, it can help to get rid of dishes with bad memories and connections, or put them in storage for a while. Happy, fun dishes with pleasant associations are easier to wash.

SandraDodd.com/dishes
photo by Gail Higgins

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Parts or versions of the text above have appeared in this blog five times before. It's simple, but people forget.

Adult decisions

When a young adult has been making real decisions for years, and what their parents want is to help them think clearly and to make careful decisions based on the preferences and beliefs of the young person himself, the same old world looks very different.

Young Adults: Partners
photo by Janine

Fuel and downtime

Connie/Otherstar wrote:

Whenever we go out, I make sure that we have lots of foods available so they don't get hungry. I watch for signs of being tired because I know that when my girls get tired, they seem to lose the ability to communicate. Letting them get overtired or over-hungry and then expecting them to communicate with you and negotiate with you isn't appropriate. For that matter, it isn't good for adults.

There have been times that we have gone out and lost track of time and we have all ended up grumpy and hungry. My husband and I will stop and get food for us all. Until everybody is fed, we don't address anything. After we all eat, then we may talk. Usually, feeding everybody eliminates the problems though.

—Connie (Otherstar)

There is more. It was not easy to choose a small part
of the longer writing at Healing Presence
photo by Sarah S.

Choices add up

Small moments of peace and calm can add up to contentment. Gratitude and acceptance contribute to satisfaction. Having a warm home isn't an absolute, and it's not magic. It's the accumulation of positive choices that create a nest for humans (and their significant animal others).

SandraDodd.com/nest
photo by Roya Dedeaux

Peace and confidence

"If you answer every question with honesty you never have to be nervous about the next question because you already know the answer. Take the chance of being uncomfortable for those few minutes of honesty. It's worth the discomfort for the peace and confidence and integrity it will build in you."

—Deb Lewis

SandraDodd.com/integrity
photo by Belinda Dutch

Calmly confident

Stay at the playground. Play with sand and water. Find seeds. Sit in the shade, and in the sun. Set ice in the shade and in the sun. Write with ice on a sunny sidewalk. If there's a brass plaque at the park you can set a piece of ice on it when it's hot and get the letters in reverse, melted into the ice. Don't talk about WHY those things happen unless the kids ask. Just let it happen. They'll figure it out.

Once they get the hang of figuring those things out, they'll be able to figure out harder things. If they practice on cheap and easy stuff (ice is great—in the bathtub for floaty-toys, crushed ice for snacks...), they'll be calmly confident about figuring out increasingly harder things.

SandraDodd.com/substance
photo by Nina Haley

Richly and joyfully

Unschoolers don't "just live." They live large. They live expansively, and richly and joyfully. Those are the things that make it work.

SandraDodd.com/quotes
photo by Rippy Dusseldorp

Don't let this happen to you

When The Lego Movie was new, I was watching Australian TV in some public place and I wrote:

A movie reviewer on the Australia Broadcasting Company, giving a just so-so review of The Lego Movie, explained herself to the other reviewer by saying "My inner child was buried long ago."

Don't reject the playful, hopeful parts of you thinking that it's the mature thing to do. A person can't be whole if part of her was buried long ago.

SandraDodd.com/wonder can expand on that
(but here's the original, on my facebook page)
photo by Gail Higgins

Experiencing progress

In a longer description of her family's change from organized homeschooling to unschooling, a mom named Julie wrote:

I got angry about something and I yelled at one of the kids. I shocked myself!! It sounded so horrible, not to mention unnecessary. And weird. I realized it sounded weird because it isn't something I do very often and although I felt bad for yelling, it felt good to know that it was the first time in a long time.

—Julie

Enjoying My Kids
photo by Gail Higgins

Stepping outside

If you can leave the schoolish building your own mind has built, that has "academics" sorted and stacked against old walls with bad memories, you can see the light of the real world outside.

How Elvis Appears to Unschoolers
photo by Ester Siroky

Imaginary magical gifts

From an article about coming-out parties for unschoolers:

What if you could give magical gifts? How about the ability to change bodies long enough to see the world as your children see it? Perhaps just a few doses of magic to make time stand still, just a little while. More time and space? Unlimited patience! Friendly neighbors. A perepetually well-running van in the mom's favorite color. Intuitive knowledge of child development would be a good gift for homeschoolers and all their friends, neighbors and relatives. If you figure out how to produce such gifts, please remember me after your friends have all they need.

Unschoolers' Coming-Out Parties: Wishlists for Unschoolers
photo by Lydia Koltai

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The link above is full of of actual practical non-fantasy ideas, but it was written in 1999. If you read it, think of current and future supplies and gifts for children.

Bonus link: Abundance

Many things

Few things are just one thing. Most things are many things.

Karen James is doing ceramics these days, and so her bowls are a hobby, a collection, a puzzle to fit safely into the cabinet, or efficiently into the dishwasher. They are also dishes, and bowls.

Thinking about what things are is philosophy, and language, and a puzzle.

Liking your dishes is good for your mental health. Liking hobbies, collections and puzzles will make life better.

SandraDodd.com/dishes
photo by Karen James

Safety and peace

Brie Jontry wrote:

There's the misguided idea sometimes that unschooling means hands-off, but it doesn't. You, as the adult, need to make sure everyone is safe, and that there's as much peace as possible. Leaving kids to work through problems on their own isn't partnership and it doesn't strengthen relationships. Your kids need you to help them sort through problems.

—Brie Jontry

SandraDodd.com/social
photo by Cátia Maciel

Regrets

I regret some times I spoke without thinking first, without breathing first.

Live (think, breathe) as well as you can now so your own list of regrets will be as short as it can be. You will sleep better in future years if you breathe before you speak today.

SandraDodd.com/breathing
photo by Sandra Dodd

Successful unschooling

Unschooling might not look like a big deal when people are thinking "School? Curriculum? Unschooling?"

School or a curriculum can be picked up or put down. Unschooling, to succeed, needs to be lived, as a family.

SandraDodd.com/yacht
photo by Holly Dodd (it's called "Reach")

Becoming unschooling parents

In order for parents to unschool, they need to become unschooling parents.

Saying "we're unschoolers now" isn't enough.

There are changes that need to take place.

the quote is from Who can Unschool?
but this will help: Becoming Solid
photo by Ester Siroky

A message to your grandchildren

Your children are developing a holographic internal image of you, complete with voice and emotion. The things you do and say are being recorded for posterity; make them sweet and good. What you choose to say and do now will affect what your children say to their children, and what your great grandchildren will hear after you're long gone.

Live like you're their last hope.

SandraDodd.com/phrases
photo by Julie D

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(translated by J'OSE la vie in 2013)
« Vos enfants sont l'élaboration d'une image holographique interne de vous toute entière, avec la voix et l'émotion. Les choses que vous faites et dites sont enregistrées pour la postérité, faites-les douces et bonnes. Ce que vous choisissez de dire et de faire maintenant aura une incidence sur ce que vos enfants diront à leurs enfants, et ce que vos petits-enfants entendront après que vous soyez partis depuis longtemps. Vivez comme si vous étiez leur dernier espoir. » ~ Sandra Dodd

Acceptance and sharing

The more accepting you are when they share with you, the more they will share.

From a 2013 discussion of Focus, Hobbies, Obsessions
photo by Gail Higgins

Helping as a good partner

Joanna Murphy wrote:

Think of yourself as creating a partnership with your son. See your son as whole and healthy and desirous of being in a state of rest and vibrancy but maybe just not knowing at this moment how to get there on his own.

If he's not able to make certain decisions for himself yet (like reading his tired signals), then you can be the part of the team that can make that decision and explain it to the other half—it's not him or you—it's both of you working together to make a healthy and happy child.

This is the moment when his bed is made, the lights are low, the music is on (or whatever he has identified as aids to his sleep). Your certainty about what he's needing at that moment (sleep), combined with the quality of the connection and trust you have with him will determine what will happen next.


Original on Always Learning
(I added some paragraph breaks for today.)
photo by Cátia Maciel

Invisible and personal

We cannot see what our children are learning, and to some extent it's none of our business.

Hobbies and interests lead to learning
photo by Roya Dedeaux

A peaceful day

I think it's harmful to stir up outrage in and among parents of young children. It's okay for unschooled children to have a peaceful day even though there are others outraged elsewhere.

Outrage is not a virtue. Donald Duck should not be your role model.

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Later note: In a larger context, peace shouldn't be limited to only unschooled children. And it shouldn't be limited to children.

SandraDodd.com/peace
photo by Kirby Dodd

Sparkly and wonderful newness

Part of what makes something sparkly and wonderful is the observer being new to it and seeing it as a giant wall of glory and potential.

Be patient and understanding if your child is growing tired or more cynical about an interest or pursuit.

When unschooling isn't as new, it can begin to dull for the parent. Find what you can see as new and sparkly, in your child and his interests.

The first paragraph is a quote from the Focus, Hobbies, Obsessions chat.
photo by Kinsey Norris

Kind and patient

When you are kind, it changes the kind of person you are. When you are patient, it makes you a better person.

SandraDodd.com/mentalhealth
photo by Sarah S.

Closer, sooner, sweeter

No volume of parental talk will help as much as it will help for the parent to be closer, sooner, sweeter.
Practice being quiet
photo by Sarah S.


(source of quote)

Better right now, today

from a discussion about preventing hitting

Something that makes the situation better right now, today should be the first step, for sure! Be nearer, be attentive, improve conditions, make sure kids aren't hungry.

SandraDodd.com/eating/monkeyplatter
photo by Sarah S.

Stock market and yoga poses

Renee Cabatic wrote, in 2013:

As Xander has been playing Grand Theft Auto 5, I've written down some of the things he's been learning:

1) choose your friends, co-workers carefully
2) how to buy and sell stocks
3) some yoga poses
4) new vocabulary

That's doesn't include the conversations brought up by the talk radio playing in the stolen vehicles.

—Renee Cabatic

Safe on the Couch
photo by Sandra Dodd (not of Xander, but of my husband, Keith)

Staying home in modern times

Below is something I wrote in December 2020.
I'm sharing it because it has been two years since the covid shut-down changed my plans. I was to have stayed with a grandson while his younger sibling was born. That little girl has turned two years old now. Because I have an undiagnosed chronic cough, I fear to become sick, so I stay home, still, usually.

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I could be sad at home, or I can be happy. I have years of practice at conjuring and sharing happiness. Keith knows that sometimes I fail. I get scared, or have a bad dream, or feel sorry for myself, but I revive and recover and put out one more “Just Add Light and Stir,” where people can peek into moments in other families, viewpoints of other people, and sightings of birds or lizards on other continents, in other seasons. There are words and ideas people can take in for a moment, or an hour, or to keep. Then I feel better.

I hope next year is easier and sweeter for all of us. If it is, your memories of an expansive world should allow you to jump on and ride it.

SandraDodd.com/2020
photo by Sandra Dodd

Kind and safe

Parents get pretty good at noticing when a child is tired, hungry or frustrated. It's important to see those things in yourself. Keep your family safe from your more dangerous moods and states. If you're too hungry or too tired to be kind and safe, ask for help. Or admit you're feeling stressed, and be more careful. Don't use your mood as an excuse to be harsh or dangerous. Learn to do what you need to do to stay in a workable, safe zone.

SandraDodd.com/mentalhealth
photo by Destiny Dodd

Quoting "science"

"Scientists" say whatever they want to say. Scientists say the Grand Canyon was created suddenly by a flood. Scientists say the world is only 6,000 years old. Scientists say body fat is not bad. Scientists say it's terribly deadly. Scientists say a species is extinct, and then scientists say they were wrong.

Facts change.

SandraDodd.com/facts
photo by Cass Kotrba

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The text aboved was part of a rant. Sometimes when I rant, it's fun to read later, but the context was (as usual) unschooling, within the world of homeschooling.

Learning is natural and personal

Meredith Novak wrote:

"Unschooling stems from the premise that learning is natural and personal - and as such it depends utterly on the individual's perceptions and perspectives. It is not something that can be given or created from the outside. There is no way to guarantee what another person will learn. From that perspective, teaching isn't so much bad as superstitious."

—Meredith

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Learning, or maybe Curiosity
photo by Laura Zurro

Helping grown kids

Holly gets her firewood from our house. Her dad splits wood for fun and for exercise. He enjoys organizing his woodpile as a hobby. In addition to the split wood, she takes kindling, and I make "waxy wood" a time or two a year, by splitting short sections of straight cedar and dipping each stick in melted wax.

If Holly got cold, she could come to our house, or I would lend her blankets, or make corn bags for her to heat up in her microwave. We would pay her gas bill if she needed that sort of help. But for now, we share our fireplace know-how and the by-products of Keith's wood-processing hobby.

Share what you can share. Do what you can do.

SandraDodd.com/abundance
photo by Holly Dodd