Without pressure, without shame

I believe that if children learn happily, without pressure and without shame, that they will continue to do so for the rest of their lives.

Why Radical Unschooling?
photo by Rippy Dusseldorp

Better, for your future children

If parents become complacent and don’t think that they need to do better and could do better, then they can’t do better, and they won’t do better. And if they’re ever going to get to be the unschooling parents that their future children need—their bigger, older children with bigger questions and problems—they need to keep getting better.

Changes in Parents
photo by Holly Dodd
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Shapes and meanings

Toddlers want to name things. They're learning words. This picture might show a circle and a square.

For an older child, thoughts might be about "window" or port hole or whether it's still a window if you can't see through it.

Some adults might think about materials or purposes, and others about what plant is portrayed and why.

Things are seen at different levels and depths by different people in different circumstances. Connections are made to prior imagery and knowledge in each viewer. Thoughts of what something is or isn't, and ideas about what it is like or unlike, are the thoughts learning is made of.

That's how learning works.

Connections: How Learning Works
photo by Sandra Dodd
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The balance point

Some parents label unschooling as "child-led learning," and so they think they're going from "parent led" life to "child led" life, but the balance point is that the family learns to live together harmoniously.

Harmony makes many things easier. When there is disharmony, everyone is affected. When there is harmony, everyone is affected, too.

SandraDodd.com/balance
photo by Renee Cabatic

Sharing contentment

The damage done by negativity is a knowable thing. If the mother can't find contentment, she has none to share with her children.

Sharing Negativity (how and why not to)
photo by Jo Isaac

Optimistic and involved

Deb Lewis:

There were times when things were really tight for us. I mean no gas money and beans and rice for dinner every night.

If I had it to do it again I would use the credit card more. Not go crazy but if twenty or thirty dollars made a big difference in the life of my kid then I’d do that. If you’re justifying coffee and makeup or other adult things that aren’t strictly necessary, then make that same effort to justify some things your kids might like, too. Don’t always sacrifice kid things because they seem less important or urgent.

But don’t underestimate how wonderful your happy presence can be for your kids. Be sweet and playful and optimistic and involved. Give them lots of your time.

—Deb Lewis

Quote edited slightly to make it more past tense
Original here: Suggestions for creating abundance when funds are low
photo by Jill Parmer
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"Why not?"

I've been saying "why not?" more often and it feels good! I think it's rubbing off on my husband.

—Tara

Always Say Yes   Say "Yes" More!
photo by Sarah Dickinson
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Easy cure

When a mom expressed that she felt guilty that she might not be doing enough, I wrote:

"If you don't feel like you're doing enough, do more. Easy cure. 🙂"

Jill Parmer quoted me, and added:

"As I paid closer attention to my kids, and less about what I should put into them, I found it easier to find ways to do more. Like lingering longer at an ethnic grocery so they could look around, and finding things that would relate to their favorite games, or their interests."

More, about 1/5 of the way down
Experiences / Building an Unschooling Nest (chat transcript)
photo by Sarah S

For now...

Laurie Wolfrum, on responding to critical questions about your parenting or unschooling:

Some phrases to keep in mind:

Periodically we evaluate how things are going.
Nothing is written in stone.
For now, this works for us.
We’ll see how things go.

—Laurie Wolfrum

Empowerment
photo by Daniel Moyer

Attitude: nature and nurture

My attitude is a big shaper of my childrens' attitude toward work AND toward me.

Living Better Without Requiring Chores
photo by Cathy Koetsier

What if a child says no?

This is my writing, in 2003, when my kids were 12, 14, 17 or so.

Sometimes one will say "I'm really not feeling good," as Holly did yesterday, and her need for juice, a blanket and some mom-comfort were real. She has a cold. So that was suddenly more important than her helping me get firewood, or whatever it was. I really don't remember anymore.

Nobody's ever said, "NO, I'm playing a video game, do it yourself." But they have said "When I get to a saving point."

The more we said yes to our children, the more willing they were to say yes to us. It worked like please and thank you did!

...on family life
photo by Holly Dodd

No substitute

Pam Sorooshian wrote:

There is no substitute for being authentically "there" for them—for genuinely trying to help them resolve problems. For putting your relationship with them at the forefront of every interaction, whether it is playing together or working together.

None of us are perfect—we'll all have some regrets. But with my kids 19, 16, and 13, I can now say that I will never say anything like, "I wish I'd let them fight it out more," or "I wish I'd punished them more," or "I wish I'd yelled at them more." I will only ever say that I wish I'd been more patient, more attentive, more calm and accepting of the normal stresses of having young children.

One interaction at a time. Just make the next interaction a relationship-building one. Don't worry about the one AFTER that, until IT becomes "the next one."

—Pam Sorooshian

Becoming the Parent You Want to Be
photo by Roya Dedeaux


Pam's offspring are all in their 30s now, and being kind to Pam's grandchildren.

Being WITH; being aware

This is about BEING with your child. Being WITH your child. Being with YOUR child. If I emphasize all the words at once, the emphasis goes away again. Very much, though, it's about how the parent is being, and that the being should match the child's being, for a moment.

BE with your child's being.

Emotional Perspective
photo by Rippy Dusseldorp
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Words and history in charity shops

Digital cameras have been very good for me. I've always been a collector, a saver. "A pack rat," said my Mamaw.

Modern cameras have allowed me to collect without weight or bulk, without shipping costs. But digital photos can be fragile, hard to find, and easy to lose.

In 2013, I went to a shop selling used things, in Scotland, and I saw this tie. It says "Trusty and Leal." I didn't know the word "leal," so I took a photo. Looking at it later, I wish I had bought the India-print looking black and yellow cloth behind it, but I didn't.

click for a close-up

In 2021, when I had some time to look at the photos in a more leisurely way, I found that "leal" means loyal and true. The word is archaic (out of style and use) and Scottish.

So in Selkirk, or somewhere around there, maybe, is (or used to be) a school with the motto "Trusty and Leal." That dates the school to the very early 20th century, or earlier, probably.

I love this stuff. Connect what you know to what you can find, and you will have more and more hooks on which future thoughts can hang.

"Leal"
photo by Sandra Dodd

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FOUND IT just before this post was to launch. I had failed to discover it while I was writing the post last week.

The tie and its motto are associated with Selkirk High School, founded in 1897. Two guesses right. What I didn't know is that "trusty and leal" comes from a song. This link should take you right to that part of the song. Up wi the Souters O Selkirk

Another recording: Ross Kennedy. Seeing there that Robert Burns wrote it, one more search got me the poem, from 1796.

A little more interesting

Instead of feeling like you need to struggle, just stop and look at your son and think, "Right now what can I do to make his life a little more interesting?"

—Pam Sorooshian

SandraDodd.com/struggle
photo by Belinda Dutch
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Windows, and grown children

The pandemic made me appreciate the views from windows. I loved seeing so many exotic window views shared on facebook.

My youngest has her own house now. For a few months, she had a housemate, who is pregnant. The baby's father died, during the pregnancy. Holly had known the friend years ago, and invited her in to rest and recover.

A few days ago, Holly let me know she had been 200 miles away, overnight, helping the roommate move to another town to be with her mom, in a new place. This view is from that new window.

I brought that story to let you know that someday those little children at your house will grow up, and you might find them being compassionate and generous in ways you will only learn about after the fact. They will see beauty, out windows in other places, and might send you a photo.

SandraDodd.com/generosity
photo by Holly Dodd

Symbolism

An angel, holding an image of dice, in a church in Wales, in reference to a story about Roman soldiers near Jerusalem, long before that.

Light from the same sun.

Connections!

SandraDodd.com/connections
photo by Sandra Dodd, St. Teilo’s church at St. Fagans Museum

Memory

I took this photo in 2014, on a beach on the east coast of Australia. A man walking his dog told me what caused those tiny sandballs that were here and there. I remembered, for a while, but I don't know now.

It was an interesting mystery at first, and now it is again! I would love to blame over-activity or aging for this, but it's just the way I am. My oldest said once that it must be great for me to be able to see movies again and still be surprised by the ending.

Some things I remember well, and some I don't. Some recipes I look up every time. Some spellings I double check. Names and faces elude me the first several times; it takes a while.

Be patient with yourself and others, about details. Discovering something the second time can be fun, too. Some people are aging, and over-active. Stress never helps. Be kind. Repeat yourself with a smile.

SandraDodd.com/memories
photo by Sandra Dodd

Fear itself

Clare Kirkpatrick wrote:

"I always find it helpful to really pick apart my fears and compare them to other fears I could have and I usually come to the conclusion that I really should just chill out about it all and look for joy, not fear. Fear just gets in the way of everything. And fear itself is bad for you anyway—worrying about this or that all the time just means you have some nasty, harmful hormones floating round your body. You can find reasons to worry about everything but all those things will get in your way."

—Clare Kirkpatrick
(original)

Better Biochemicals
photo by Sandra Dodd

Safety and welcome

This gate was made for an open-air museum in The Netherlands, in a style that's called "wattle," in England. I like it.

I love gates, especially when you can see through them, but they keep children, animals and gardens safe. Though they might keep strangers out, they can welcome friends in!

I hope you have a gate or two you use, or see, or like, in your life.

Other gates
photo by Sandra Dodd
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Museum tea

Have you ever been "museum sick"? Sometimes a museum is so large and overwhelming that my thought is "Do they have a good cafeteria? A cafe?"

This teabag was at the Escher Museum, in The Hague, when Joyce and I went to speak in 2013, and Rippy took us touristing


Photos are good for memories and ideas.

I miss museums, and I miss being able to travel and meet up with unschoolers.

I hope everyone who reads this will still, someday, get a chance to see so much museum that all you can think about is sitting down with some tea or food.

Museum Sickness
photo by Sandra Dodd

If nobody makes you...

Sadie Brown, now a veterinarian in her 30s (once Sadie Yurista, unschooled in Northern New Mexico) sent this a few years ago, writing, "It made me think of you and learn nothing day."

Calvin and Hobbes online
art and concept by Bill Watterson; read more at the link above!

Sent by Sadie Brown; rescued by facebook memories.
Sadie had sent a photo of a page from a book at her house. I found a flatter, lighter version online. Bill Watterson's work is wonderful, and I hope any of you who don't know those characters will spend some time with them.

Plain everyday exotica

Where you live is different. It might not seem different to you, but it's not like all the rest of the world.

Manhole covers are different in different places. The default surfaces of streets, and the way they are repaired and refinished vary. Whether the pedestrian part of the road (if there is one) is called "sidewalk" or "pavement" or something else... I grew up where there were few surfaced walkways. We had "side of the road."

Try to look through the eyes of young children, or of foreign visitors.

Wonder
photo by Sandra Dodd
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Choosing paths

Jen, who took this beautiful photo of outdoor steps, sent a note with the image:

"Thanks so much for all you’ve done to show us a different path to choose. ❤️"

I like that phrasing, and I appreciated the message. I've thought about it for a couple of days. Unschooling is a different path, for sure. Being present and as patient and as peaceful with children as one can manage to be is a path to choose, too. Neither of those is one path to a shared destination, though. None of us can even see what's at the top of that hill.

Making choices as we go, we can opt out of attractive stairs, or we can come back to them later. Let your path meander. The way is clearer behind than in front, because every day we make many choices.

The trail starts to open up
photo by Jen Fletcher

Passages

Passageways through, between, under, within buildings can be fun, like secret portals.

There are passageways otherwise, too—in the connections among friends, in jobs and hobbies, in forests and gardens, and once in a while within a home. If you have a house with a fun door, back stairs, or hidden room, be glad! I've visited two places with secret doors, and one with back stairs that only showed if you knew.

Learn to love surprising trails.

SandraDodd.com/trails
photo by Sandra Dodd
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Following different kinds of trails

I took this photo in a history museum called Archeon, in The Netherlands. They have sections portraying different historical periods, with full-size buildings, and with guides in costume, making things, playing instruments, cooking, training birds, and many other things. There are gardens growing. There are chickens.

When I decided to use the photo, I googled "Roman hopscotch" to see whether there was documentation for that, and found this quote: (source)

Hopscotch began in ancient Britain during the early Roman Empire. The original hopscotch courts were over 100 feet long and used for military training exercises. ... Roman children drew their own smaller courts in imitation of the soldiers, added a scoring system and "Hopscotch" spread throughout Europe.

This is a kind of history about which more is known as time passes, rather than less. More may yet be discovered. Whether the diagram in the photo is historical or not, maybe people at the museum know. Either way is fine.

Learn history lightly, because new things will be learned, a new focus will come, and if you live long enough, it will change again. Collect ideas and information so that connections will continue to form, your whole life long.

Many images of hopscotch layouts, and many lead to more info
photo by Sandra Dodd
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Truth and kindness

Some things I've said when others were critical or questioning, about unschooling:

"This is working for now. If it stops working, we'll do something else."

"Thanks. I'll think about that." (Or you could say "We thought about that," or "I think about that all the time.")

Mostly people want to know you heard what they said, and that you have thought about what they're suggesting. It doesn't hurt to say that you have, or that you will.

—Sandra Dodd

What Can I Say to Doubters and Critics?
photo by Julie D
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Understanding and experience

"There are many things one can trust as one begins unschooling. Draw on what you know about your child, your partner and yourself to nurture confidence. Trust in unschooling will deepen and grow as one gains understanding and experience."

—Karen James

Trust
photo by Gail Higgins
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The next interaction

Pam Sorooshian, on becoming the parent you want to be:

Stop thinking about changing "for good and not just for days or moments." That is just another thing to overwhelm you and you don't need that!

Just change the next interaction you have with the kids.

Stop reading email right now and do something "preventative"—'something that helps build your relationship with them.

Fix them a little tray of cheese and crackers and take it to them, wherever they are, unasked. Sit down on the floor and play with them. If nothing else, just go and give each of them a little hug and a kiss and say, "I was just thinking about how much I love you."

Okay—so that is one good, positive interaction.

Again—just change the next interaction you have with the kids. Focus on making the next interaction another one that builds up your relationship.

—Pam Sorooshian

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I appreciate that Pam Sorooshian has let me collect her writing and quote her for many years. There are others who have been similarly wise and generous. It is a gift I enjoy every time I come across their words. —Sandra

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Becoming the Parent you Want to Be
photo by Elaine Santana

Gratitude and joy

If you don't feel you will be happy, then you won't be. The largest part of happiness has to do with gratitude and joy. Either of those can be snuffed out by the recitation of ills.

Discussion of the Gratitude page from The Big Book of Unschooling
photo by Gail Higgins

Bad ideas, but funny

Holly is smart and funny. She showed me a question (in art/meme form) asking "If you could delete one thing from Earth, what would it be?"

So one person wrote "The stupid people. All of them."

Holly doesn't know her, but said "That would make her the stupidest person on Earth."

If someone could remove everybody who is stupider than they were, they would, by default, become the dumbest person left, as she explained it.

It's like the opposite of "Idiocracy," where a guy became the smartest person.

Anyone who thought deleting all the stupid people was a good idea would happily delete her next. 🙂 So I said "ants." But I wasted my wish. I should've said "mosquitos."

I read this tonight, after getting a serious mosquito bite from being outside talking with Brie about the movie Idiocracy, and about Holly being smart and funny. All coincidence, because I hadn't remembered the post or conversation. Stupid mosquito. My ankle itches.

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August 12, 2017 on my facebook page, where I apologize, explain, and endure assurances that ants and mosquitos are important (other animals eat them), and agree with the idea that maybe humans are not necessary to the survival of Earth.
image by Scott Nickel (I don't know him.)

Joy and Eternity

The better we handle the trust given us by a child, the better people we are, and the better the child's young life, adulthood and old age will be. We're not just dealing with little children. We're dealing with the whole of life itself, which will outlast us all. We are dealing with joy and with eternity.

link to musical original,
and to another post celebrating small but profound changes
photo by Sandra Dodd (a grandchild in the arms of her Dodd-Dad)
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Quizzes can fizzle

This story has just been added to my site. It was told in 2003, when Marty was fourteen and Holly was twelve or so.

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My husband's oldest brother came to visit and [Holly] and Marty discussed how to deal with his quizzy questions, usually math. She told me a story from when she was littler, maybe eight. Uncle Gerry had been here, and Holly was brushing her teeth. He stood watching her, and started in about how important it is to brush teeth and floss, because (as Holly reported, he said in a teacherly voice) "Do you know how many sets of teeth you have in this lifetime?"

Holly said, "Two?" (in a kind of "is this a trick question" tone) and she said he was already holding up his index finger as the "one" of the coming "right answer," and he added another finger and sheepishly said, "That's right. Two."

So Holly won a big point and never even told us about it at the time. Cool story. I don't think he quizzed them this time.

Better Answers
photo by Sarah Dickinson

Balance

Words and image by Pati Nagle, a longtime friend, former housemate, author.
Shared on facebook 9 August 2021.

"Same-old" can be new

There are things that most kids do, that most adults have done, that can seem ho-hum and same-old.

Don't be bored and boring! Look for joy in moments. Shine your own light on things.


Turning point
photo by Sarah Dickinson
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Don't worry.

Don't worry if kids don't eat much. Don't worry if kids eat lots.

Try to give them lots of choices in small amounts, and try not to worry!

Monkey Platters
photo by Sandra Dodd, of apples drying

Small wins you can choose

You could be the best part of someone else's day.

Be careful not to be the worst.


You can choose your goals, and practice to win.


Remember to think of moments, more than days, too.
Slowly Becoming Wise
photo by Sandra Dodd

Building an epic nest

If you want to unschool, there's no curriculum to buy and you and your children will be discovering the secret passages and magical destinations without a schedule or a map.

To help you prepare for or strengthen your own heroic adventure, there are three tools you need, and a checklist of seven nest-building items for you to collect and protect.

Equip yourself with: confidence experience good examples Build your nest with food shelter love patience enthusiasm curiosity joy

Building an Unschooling Nest
photo by Sandra Dodd

Quick! They're gone!

Older moms say "Appreciate your kids. They'll be grown before you know it."

Younger moms think it's rude, and wrong, and can hardly endure the endless days of damp, stinky babies and toddlers, and messy, destructive, needy three and four year olds, and...

Life is made of stages that can seem long. I've had young children and felt sticky and crowded and exhausted. I've had teens I started to miss before they were gone.

Wherever you are, breathe and be patient and loving.

SandraDodd.com/patience
photo by Ester Siroky

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This is a re-run from only a year ago. I usually wait longer, but I feel that this could help some parent (or many) every month. Please continue to be as kind and as appreciative as you can be, even when the world outside isn't helping. You could be the best part of someone else's day.