Finding yourself with your children

Being where you are, in a mindful way, with the potential and the tools to be still and know it, is the portal to a better life. Call it what you want to, finding yourself with your children will put you in a good place.



Finding
yourself
with
✵

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SandraDodd.com/being/healing
photo by Sandra Dodd
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Into her world

Karen James wrote: Helping facilitate a good experience is different for each person. It depends on what they are interested in and why. It depends on how they want to explore whatever it is. Bring some of her interests into her world, not by suggestion, but by learning enough about her interests to be able to converse about whatever-it-is. Maybe even try it yourself. Find places or folks to visit where those interests are practiced, where she might have a dabble too. Maybe she'll want to dive deeper. Maybe not. —Karen James

Being your child's PARTNER, not his adversary
photo by Amber Ivey
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A better tongue twister

Any better's better than no better.


Ideas, Quotes and Affirmations
photo by Robin Bentley
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Familiar and unfamiliar

If everything is unfamiliar, it's hard to think about what it is at all. If everything is too familiar, it can escape notice and conscious thought.

Learning happens best at the edge, where something familiar has a difference. Something is not the same, in an otherwise understandable scene.



Angle
photo by Ester Siroky

What and Why?

The when is now, the who is you,
the where is where you are.

The remaining questions are
what are you doing, and why?

If you don't know what you're doing, it might be good to relax and reconsider. Start fresh, and with purpose.

If you don't know why you're doing what you're doing, that could be reason enough to take a break.

SandraDodd.com/5ws
photo by Lisa J Haugen

Side benefits

My world's pretty cool. It has become gradually cooler since I had kids and have tried to figure out how to make THEIR worlds cooler. Mine got the side benefit of what I learned about how to help keep them happy.


Shared fun
photo by Sarah S.
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Count slower

Someone said one time that she counts to ten and then she's still mad so what should she do, and a couple of people said "Count slower."

Angrily holding one's breath and counting to ten in a hostile fashion isn't the "count to ten" that's recommended. Breathing to ten is way better.

Breathing can be done in an overt, hostile "I'm breathing so I won't hurt you" passive-aggressive way, too. That cancels it right out.

The quote is from an online chat, but a good link is SandraDodd.com/breathing.
photo by Destiny Dodd, of sunlight coming in the top of a cavern

Roots might show

Conditions aren't always ideal. Parents have histories, kids have genetics, sometimes it's summer and sometimes it's winter. You might live in the desert, or a rainforest.

Where you are, when you can, do some cool things.

SandraDodd.com/appletree
(Apple Tree analogy, and the nature of wholeness)
photo by Joyce Fetteroll
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A little big deal

Perhaps you have seen lots of fireworks—professional, big shows that cost tens of thousands of dollars. If so, $20 worth of little fountain fireworks might seem lame.

Some people are newer to the world. A child who hasn't seen so many fireworks might be thrilled by a few fountains. Honor their excitement. Share it. You're creating a memory of peace and light, if you do it well.



SandraDodd.com/respect
photo by Sandra Dodd
(a lame photo of something that was making a nine-year-old girl very happy)

Steps toward "better"

By making the better choice, you step away from the worse choice.


SandraDodd.com/choicees
photo by Ester Siroky

Grace and joy

People who resist or reject joy will be rejecting the best tool they could have used to unschool well, to have longterm relationships with others, and to age gracefully.



Joy
photo by Amy Childs
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Those flowers bloomed.

I have saved this, text and images, from something Janine Davies posted:

Kes has loved the film Wall-E since he first saw it, age 3. ❤️

He has watched it over and over ✨

When his snow boots didn’t fit him this winter and we bought him new ones, he said, “I’m going to grow a flower in my boot just like in Wall-E.”

He planted seeds in both boots back in early spring and today those flowers bloomed. 🌼🌼💛💛

---

The plant from Wall-E

SandraDodd.com/peace
top photo by Janine Davies, 1 July 2018

Past voices

Let the past inform your decisions. Let the past be a little angel on your shoulder, but don't let the voices in your head tell you what to do. It might be time to tell the voices in your head "enough."


Voices in your head
photo by Karen James
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Generosity pays

I have known children with nearly nothing who suffer preventive deprivation by parents who don't want to spoil them, who are bullies away from home and always clamor to have their way, to be first, to have more. I have known children who are given their way, an opportunity to be first, and more than they ask for, and they are fine with going second, with sharing, or with giving up the best seat to someone who just really wants it.

There is no magical prevention for bad attitude, but if parents are modeling a bad attitude with their own unreasonable selfishness or arbitrary system of denying children, they should expect their children to show arbitrary selfishness to others.

SandraDodd.com/spoiled
photo by Sandra Dodd
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Touch and calm presence

The more touch and calm presence parents can give a baby, the better, and if they can maintain that as children get older, it might turn into unschooling.

Quote matches Infants, Babies, Toddlers—source material for German translation of some of my writing published March 2018 as Sei ihr Partner, nicht ihr Gegner

photo by Ashlee Dodd
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Maintain and replenish

If you think you haven't done enough for your children lately, do more. The richer and safer your children's environment,the more interesting and open to input and entertainment and encouragement, the more learning will happen, whether you're at home or in the car or on another continent.

Maintain and replenish your children's learning environment.

SandraDodd.com/nest
photo by Sandra Dodd
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Brighter than I am

One time my neighbor's tree was brighter than the sky.

Sometimes my kids are brighter than I am. The older they get, and the older I get, the more often they outshine me in many ways. I do not mind one bit.

SandraDodd.com/abundance
Photo by Sandra Dodd, in November 2010

What is not a clock?

I do love clocks and calendars and the history of time measurement, but it is good to remember that we are not clocks, and our children are not clocks.


The clock is not hungry
photo by Sandra Dodd, of a sundial in Chichester

Artsy imaginings

Art, arrangements, sculpture—any art—is based on a vision or a mental image. Viewers interpret that, and respond, sometimes with thought, words, or responsorial art of some sort. Then someone will see that art, or comment, or review, and reference it somehow.

These are connections, sometimes wordless, and that is learning, even when it's far from facts and figures.

Writey-Drawey
Art about Art
photo by Heather Booth
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Hearing yourself think

Hearing what I say as a mom is crucial to mindfulness.

If I don't notice what I say, if I don't even hear myself, how can I expect my kids to hear me?

If I say things without having carefully chosen each word, am I really communicating?

SandraDodd.com/mindfulofwords
photo by Eileen Mahowald
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One layer, and another....

Like layers of an onion someone can understand unschooling, and be calm, and then discover... Oh! I could extend these principles to my spouse.

For people with young children, it will be about just the surface of an onion. Maybe that's the concreteness of it. "How can you recognize an onion when you see one?"


Text is a smoothed-out quote from Becoming an Unschooler
photo by Ester Siroky

Power

"I want my kids to feel empowered, so I empower them."

—Jenny Cyphers

SandraDodd.com/jennycyphers/
photo by Rippy Dusseldorp

Different and better

The change you need is to live a different way. Step out of the grumpy dark into the calm decision-making choose-joy light.
. . . .

Leave the old habit to wither. Don't try to break it. Move to making better choices so that what you used to do and used to think will be left in the "choices I don't consider anymore" category.

SandraDodd.com/change/
photo by Ester Siroky

Women, mummies, Abe Lincoln

Lyle Perry, who unschooled two boys, wrote:

While watching a movie, a Kotex commercial came on and spawned a lengthy discussion on menstruation, and how all the different methods of protection work, or don't work, the reasons why women pick one method over another, and what did women do back before companies like Kotex existed. Then the discussion moved to the different methods of birth control, then to birth itself, and C-sections, natural childbirth, etc. All from one little Kotex commercial.

While watching The Mummy (cartoon), we talked about Egypt and the pharoahs, and then slavery, which eventually led to the civil war and Abe Lincoln, and then on to other presidents that had done "great" things.

That's just a few off the top of my head, but the main thing to remember is that none of these discussions were planned, and it's always the kids that initiate the talks, and when they stop asking "why, when, how, who and where" the talk is over. They may come back at a later date and want more information to add to what they know, or they may be satisfied and leave it at that.

TV is not a "bad" thing. TV can be very, very cool.

SandraDodd.com/t/learning or (bonus link):
SandraDodd.com/presidents
photo by EsterSiroky

Not what, but why?

When someone expressed shock that unschoolers felt TV was okay in any amount, Joyce Fetteroll wrote:

I wouldn't say that books are ok in any amount because it isn't *what* a child is doing that's important, it's *why* the child is doing it. A child who reads all day long because he has many options and his parents appreciate the value in choosing what you want to do is in a good place. A child who reads all day because his mother picks at him constantly when he's in her presence isn't in a good place.

I feel that TV is a resource like any other and that given the freedom to do so kids will use it when they need it and not use it when they don't, just like any other resource.

—Joyce Fetteroll

["TV" could be video, games, YouTube...]
SandraDodd.com/tvchoice
photo by Heather Booth

Grow into learning

In the middle of something a little longer, about becoming an unschooling parent, Pam Sorooshian wrote:

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Overly self-centered people can't do it because it requires a lot of empathy. People with too many personal problems that they haven't addressed in their own lives probably can't do it because they are too distracted by those.

People who are too negative or cynical can't do it because they tend to crush interest and joy, not build it up. People who lack curiosity and a certain amount of gusto for life can't really do it.

On the other hand, we grow into it. Turns out that we parents learn, too.

So—when we are making moves, taking steps, in the direction of unschooling, turns out the trail starts to open up in front of us and we get more and more sure-footed as we travel the unschooling path.

—Pam Sorooshian

SandraDodd.com/lazy/parents
photo by Amy Childs
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Mindful enrichment

When people ask about unschooling "success stories," perhaps we should ask them to define "success" rather than simply name unschoolers who have gone to college or who have impressive (or just sturdy and steady) jobs. Treating that as a simple, sensible question channels attention away from the broader, deeper benefits of unschooling and of living a life of mindful enrichment.

SandraDodd.com/success
photo by Karen James

Right and good

Deb Lewis wrote:

"There is a moral and ethical foundation to radical unschooling. It's right and good to help, support and partner with people we care about, to help them navigate the world, to give them security. It's right and good to not injure them, frighten them or shame them. Those are the things that lead to learning and emotional growth and well being."

—Deb Lewis

The quote is from SandraDodd.com/otherideas

More by Deb Lewis
photo by Eva Witsel
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Still growing

I can't really speak to any "end results," because they're still growing and experiencing the newness of many firsts in their lives. If there is ever an "end," the results won't matter anymore. But as long as life continues, the results unfold.

SandraDodd.com/magicwindow
photo by Amber Ivey

See their wholeness

Sometimes people have a sort of social hypochondria—every problem that's described, they identify with, or fear the danger will get their children. They would do much better to spend more time and attention with and on their children so that they see their wholeness, rather than imagining their vulnerabilities.

SandraDodd.com/fear
photo by Colleen Prieto
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A new understanding of service

Clare Kirkpatrick wrote:

One of the things that has enabled me to really begin to understand unschooling has been a new understanding of the word 'service'.
. . . .
Now the word 'service' has only positive associations for me and is linked with the words 'honour' and 'privilege' and 'joy'. And I think also 'gratitude'. There is nothing richer than making someone's life more joyful and I get to do that at home and at work for the people in our society who need it the most.

—Clare Kirkpatrick

Longer original (you'll see what I slightly changed), lower right:
SandraDodd.com/service
photo by Sandra Dodd
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Bigger, friendlier world

Karen James wrote:

Unschooling, done with too much attention on the one way of living being the only right way, can make the world seem smaller, scarier and full of confrontation.

Unschooling done with the understanding it's one choice among many, makes the world a bigger, friendlier, more dynamic place.

—Karen James

Find your options
photo by Hinano
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Little lightshow

Somewhere in your house is a little lightshow. Be ready to appreciate it.

SandraDodd.com/light
photo by Brie Jontry

Choices, and benefits

Once upon a time, someone complained about me in a discussion: "I am quite sure you have nothing better to do."

What would be better for me to do than helping people who honestly want the help?

That day I responded:

"Nothing better to do" was intended to be an insult, surely, but choosing what to do in any given moment is part of living a mindful life. Some people choose to insult. Some people choose to explain. Some choose to leave. Some choose to stay. But THIS isn't where unschooling is. Unschooling is in the relationships between parents and children. That should be the topic of every post—what will help parents find ways to be unschooling parents for the benefit of their children and of the family as a whole. Because there can be secondary benefits.
And, that day, I linked to this entry in Just Add Light and Stir:
Good person, good parent
photo by Ester Siroky

Scary?

"It's *hard* to shift your thinking from the answers that are easier for you to the answers that are harmonious and respectful and fun for everyone. It takes more work and energy for sure.. . . ."Scary? Yep. Worth it? Beyond yes!"

—Michelle Thedaker

The longer quote is at SandraDodd.com/scary
photo by Lisa Jonick
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Not just the world....

If by "change the world" a person means "make the world better," then step #1 must be to decide right then not to make the world worse.

If you replace "world" with "marriage," that idea could still change the world.
Other words you could use insead of "world":

• party
  
• road trip
  
• dinner
  
• visit
  
• camp-out
  
• bathtime
  
• grocery shopping...

SandraDodd.com/philosophy
photo by Ester Siroky
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Are you positive?

Everyone has the freedom to be negative. Not everyone has thought of good reasons to be more positive.

SandraDodd.com/open
photo by Gwen Montoya

A safer, softer parent

There's something about patience that's biochemical. Some people are more naturally patient than others. When an impatient person has a child, though, and especially if that impatient person wants to be an unschooler, it's good to look at ways to become a safer, softer parent. It's win-win, if stress is minimized and life is smoother.

SandraDodd.com/patience
photo by Marji Zintz (click to enlarge)

Live here and now

[Historically...]

Nobody kept their kids home for 18 or 20 years just discussing life with them, hanging out, playing games.

We probably wouldn't be either, if it weren't that we're biding time until the clock runs out on compulsory education.

So even as we unschool now (and I'm not talking about people with toddlers who aspire to become unschoolers over the years), it's in reaction to the culture around us, it's finding a way to live in an alternative fashion within this culture.

People can't actually leave the planet and can't actually go back in time. The only place we can live is the here and now.

SandraDodd.com/reality
photo by Ester Siroky
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P.S. A few people have left the planet for a while, but they don't get very far, and no unschooling family has yet done so.