Peace in the bank

Do what will help your baby. Be the gentlest, sweetest, most attentive mother you can possibly be, and you will be putting peace in the bank for you and your whole family.

Though that was written about infants, it could work with older kids, too!
SandraDodd.com/mentalhealth
photo by Lydia Koltai

Sit still

On bonding with babies:

"Sit still with them. And when they are still, sit still with yourself. Don't use so many moments of the day to do anything."

—Schuyler Waynforth

SandraDodd.com/bonding
photo of Sandra and Holly Dodd

Go for healthy.

There is a difference between lack-of-mental-illness and mental health. What I mean is that one is not right on the edge of the other. There is a large land between being incapacitated and being really healthy and energetic and usful to other people. Don't settle for barely-back. Go for healthy.

SandraDodd.com/mentalhealth
photo by Lydia Koltai

A tiny change of course

A different approach to life yields a very different set of results.

You don't have to turn 180 degrees from the way you would have lived before you decided to parent differently. At first it might seem pretty close. But as you move further from the starting point, you will see what a difference a tiny change of course made.

SandraDodd.com/quotes
image by Sandra Dodd

Better moments

It helps a lot to try for better moments not days. Don't judge a day by one upset, judge it as a bad moment and move forward. A little bit better each moment. A little bit more aware.

—Schuyler Waynforth

SandraDodd.com/parentingpeacefully
photo by Rippy Dusseldorp

Talking less

Karen James wrote:

It was nice to be more quiet—to let things go unsaid. Not talking automatically and at length gave me more time to think about what I really wanted to say, if anything at all. I found I had fewer regrets—wishing I'd said something different or not at all. By talking less, I became a better listener too, I think.

—Karen James

SandraDodd.com/quiet
photo by Sandra Dodd, outside a watermill

Comfort and strength

I have comforted my "inner child" by comforting my own children. I have felt like a stronger, better person by being a stronger, better mom. Then it's not imagination, it's reality.

Helping them grow up whole helped me feel more full and whole myself.

Changing the present, healing the past, hope for the future
(from a comment I made there)
photo by Sabrina Peng

The expectation of learning

It seems lately that more and more people want to know exactly HOW to unschool, but the answer is not what they expect.

Looking back at these stories, in light of others like them, the best recommendation I can make is to open up to the expectation of learning. It helps if the parent is willing for a conversation to last only fifteen seconds, or to go on for an hour.

Remember that if your “unit study” is the universe, everything will tie in to everything else, so you don’t need to categorize or be methodical to increase your understanding of the world. Each bit is added wherever it sticks, and the more you’ve seen and wondered and discussed, the more places you have inside for new ideas to stick.

A joyful attitude is your best tool. We’ve found that living busy lives with the expectation that everything is educational has made each morning, afternoon and evening prime learning time.

SandraDodd.com/nest
The "lately" in that quote was in 2002.
The photo is Holly's hand, in August 2017.
photo by Sandra Dodd

Abundant beauty

Listen, feel, look. Something will be beautiful, even just for a moment, if you are present and open.

How much beauty would make a beautiful moment?

What could be set aside so that beauty could fill its place?

Turn your face toward beauty.
Turn your heart toward beauty.

SandraDodd.com/angles
photo by Sandra Dodd

Just add peace and stir

"Reading 'Just Add Light & Stir', then the link-following that follows has saved me from negative-mind-spiraling quite often recently."

—Caren Knox

She wrote that after having quoted this:

"The more local and personal peace there is, the more peace there will be in the world."

—Sandra Dodd

Knowing Peace
photo by Sarah Dickinson

Sunny and dry

Look for usefulness.

Look for beauty.

Hang out, you and your laundry.



SandraDodd.com/howto
photo by Sandra Dodd

Choose to live lightly

I think to move toward humor, live lightly and not so ponderously.

Problems can be seen as temporary setbacks instead of life-ruining horrors, if you remember to choose to live lightly.

Humor (chat transcript)
photo by Julie D

Change in ourselves

"Unschooling is *much* harder than school at home because it takes a great deal of self examination and change in ourselves to help our kids and not get in their way!"

—Joyce Fetteroll

SandraDodd.com/quotes
photo by Megan Valnes

Two things, two words

I wrote "two things, two words" as a title but most things have more than one name, most words mean more than one thing, and "two" is too small a number for this. I've brought a photo by Lisa Jonick to help you consider this. If you try to say in one word, or two, what the photo shows, you will leave out three or four important parts. What is the glass? Mirror. Window. Barrier. What is the cloth? Backdrop. Projection screen. Drapery. Is the tree touching the cat? Not really, but it envelopes him and his eyes turn to tree. Behind the cat is the reflection of mountains. It seems to be a continuation of his back. And as this is not "a photo of the mountains," the mountain seems to be inside the house, with the cat. Lisa saw this, photographed it, saved it, shared it. There will be many things in your life that you see, or fail to see. Seeing, thinking, naming, all have to do with thought, and categorization, and learning. Take a moment to see what you see richly, and deeply.

SandraDodd.com/mindfulofwords
SandraDodd.com/wonder
photo by Lisa Jonick

Don't taint the ice cream.

It creates a trap, a trick question, an adversarial relationship, an opportunity for failure, if there is "a right answer" to the question "What do you want to eat?" Or if an overjoyed "can I have some ice cream?" is met with a sigh, and eyes rolling, and another sigh, and a dirty look, and a summary of what the child has already eaten that day, and a reminder of when the next meal is, and a head shake, and a mention of ingredients... or even ONE of those, it taints the ice cream. It harms the relationship. It makes the child smaller. It does not, correspondingly, though, make the parent larger.

SandraDodd.com/eating/peace
photo by Sandra Dodd

Thinking and wondering

"Sometimes people just want to wonder, rather than *know*. Or maybe they will want to know in the future, but right now they're just thinking on it and wondering." —Tam Palmer

SandraDodd.com/exploration
Laughing and wondering might help, too.
photo by Colleen Prieto
"Barn Swallow fledglings — Rye, NH"

Look for this!

"Don't look for 'behaviors.' Look for learning and thinking and pondering and excitement and happiness!"

—Robin Bentley

SandraDodd.com/exploration
photo by Sarah Clark

Closer and better

"The ONLY way I've learned how to be a more present, more caring, generous partner with my kids was by being with them, trying on choices closer and closer to radical unschooling, learning from those choices, then choosing again, better, each time (most times)."

—Caren Knox

SandraDodd.com/bonding
photo by Megan Valnes

Explore. Connect.

On a scale from dull and dusty to bright and shiny, where is your life? How much of the happy outside world is flowing in? How much are you and your children interacting with the bright, shiny parts of the world outside?

Unschooling should and can be bigger and better than school.

If it's smaller and quieter than school, more should be done to make life sparkly.

Let one thing lead to another for you. Explore. Not the parent pressing the kid to explore, but the parent exploring and connecting.

SandraDodd.com/strew/how
photo by Sandra Dodd
__

Exotic things

I can see mountains from my house.

Something where you are would be breathtaking to someone from a different part of the world.

Normal or exotic?
photo by Chrissy Florence, in Fiji

Real things

Life. People can live lives, even little kids live lives, without preparation, learning on the job, as they go. They can learn while doing real things with real happiness and real success.

SandraDodd.com/connections/cocktail
photo by Sandra Dodd

Happy wherever

When you get better at being happy wherever you are, you can worry less about where you go.

SandraDodd.com/unexpected
photo by Janine Davies

Quiet time for parents

Unschooling takes a long time to learn. Rushing a child to understand something complicated while the parent isn’t even looking in the right direction to see unschooling is a problem that’s easily solved. Stop pressuring the child. Stop “communicating” the confusion. Quietly empty yourself of much of what you think you know. If it were working, there would’ve been no reason to ask us for help.

With a mind open to change, then, go here: Read a little...

Children need time to heal. Quiet time is probably better than constant noise, no matter how much the noise is intended to express love and reassurance.

SandraDodd.com/quiet
photo by Hinano

Sleepy feels good

When there are options, feeling sleepy and choosing to go to bed can be warm, wonderful feelings. How sweet, to have a clean bed waiting, and to want to get into it.

On one small bit of gratitude, one can step up and see another one, and another.

SandraDodd.com/angles
photo by Sarah Dickinson

Sky

"Be thankful. Notice little things throughout the day that are simply good. The health of your children. The pattern on the soap bubbles in your kitchen sink. How perfect a favourite mug feels in your hand or looks on a shelf. A laugh. An easy moment. The breeze. The sunshine. A connection with a loved one. A touch in passing. A deep breath. A full moon. A cat purr. A hole-free sock. 😉 "

—Karen James

Deschooling (by Karen James)
photo by Gail Higgins

Changing the world

"It's human nature to justify and explain why loving parents did what they did to us. It's also human nature to try to do better for our children than our parents did for us. So those two things together create a tension (like cables on a bridge, holding it in place) that keeps the world from changing so quickly that it's unrecognizeable, but keeps it improving."

—Sandra Dodd

The quote was saved and shared by Susan May on facebook,
from a comment I wrote on a blogpost: "I turned out fine"
photo by Shonna Morgan

Ate, played, ate, played...

I think it should be “Woke up, got dressed, ate, played, ate, played, etc.”...

If this seems wrong, try this experiment: Keep your child from learning anything for a few days. Make sure that from the first waking moment there is nothing learned, no new material, no original thoughts to ponder, etc. The only problem is that you would have to keep the children from playing, talking, reading, cleaning or repairing anything, etc.

from something I wrote in 1992, newly here: SandraDodd.com/structure
photo by Sandra Dodd

Joyous and hopeful

Deb wrote:

I don't remember when I first read Sandra's writings but I do remember what I felt when I first read them. Hopeful, inspired, hungry....

She has this big idea that the lives of children can be joyous and hopeful and that's a remarkable thing.

—Deb Lewis

Request for Assistance 2017
photo by Janine Davies

Helping someone get going

If you're trying to help push someone's car and it's not going anywhere, sometimes pushing harder helps. Occasionally, though, you just have to say, "Is it in neutral or not?" If they say, "No, it's in first gear, push harder," what are you going to say? You stop pushing and say "You have to put it in neutral first."

So before anyone can enjoy the benefits of unschooling they have to "put it in neutral." They have to take off the emergency brake. Otherwise the car won't move. Too many people say "We tried pushing the car, it didn't move, we bought a new one. Pushing cars never works."

An analogy from 1997, with notes on the "have to" parts here:
SandraDodd.com/parentalauthority
photo by Sandra Dodd

Flow far and near

Let your thoughts wander far and near. Let connections flow.

Nicest History and Review Ever
photo by Gail Higgins


(backup of that review, for the distant future, just in case)

All the sugar

If a child has "all the sugar he wants" when he's little, I'm pretty certain that his total will be smaller over the course of his life than someone who is deprived and measured and shamed.

The quote is from Food, eating (transcript of a discussion)
but this might be a better next read: Natural Balance
photo by Celeste Burke

Too far, too fast

Gradual is better, but when people jump, the reaction of the children to that is really a reaction to all of the controls from the past. And though it's difficult for the parents, it's a crop they planted.

Gradual is better. Pass on to anyone who listens to any of you about unschooling to change gradually and not to jump far.

SandraDodd.com/problems/toofar
photo by Sandra Dodd

Relationships are better

"I wish I had known about unschooling from the start, and never done anything else.

"The net effect is (with unschooling), we're all happier. We're less stressed. We have our own schedule - or lack of schedule - not one imposed on us by school, or even homeschooling. The kids' relationship with their dad is better. MY relationship with their dad is better."

A now-anonymous part of the collection "If Only I'd Started Sooner..."
SandraDodd.com/ifonly
photo by Megan Valnes