Part of being human

Schuyler Waynforth wrote:

Unschooling is at its core an understanding that learning is a part of being human. It is a recognition that school undermines that by saying that learning needs to be organised, structured and handed down. School argues that certain things are so hard to learn that they must be taught. If you unschool partway you are mixing up your messages. If you unschool math and science and reading but structure nutrition and media studies you are arguing that while a rich and engaging life may make the three "r"s obvious they won't help you to deal with the difficult studies of food and televisions and video games and computers.

—Schuyler Waynforth

SandraDodd.com/unschool/marginal
photo by Sarah S.

Really being a partner

Someone made a side comment earlier: "I hadn't thought about the difference between 'treating someone as a partner' and really being their partner from one's core. Acting one way from a set of rules vs. working on oneself to be a better parent/partner/supporter."

That's what I meant. I'm sure I would feel nervous if someone I thought of as a friend said she was treating me as a friend. 🙂

But I do know that some people don't love words as much as I do, and aren't as analytical about words. I can watch athletes and think very little about the subtleties of what they're doing. Music, not so much. That I perceive in more detail.

SandraDodd.com/partners/examined
photo by Cecilie Conrad

Defending cartoons

I know my opinions won't match other peoples and that's fine. What I can defend isn't what other people can defend.

When there's someone who can defend NOTHING, though, who is so cynical or shut down that all movies seem lame and all cartoons seem mindless and all music is boring and all museums are irritating, I think there's a problem with that person's attitude and perceptions, rather than their stated opinion being damning evidence against movies, cartoons, music and museums.

SandraDodd.com/t/cartoons
In Defense of Cartoons
Image from a Warner Brothers Cartoon (click here)
Both characters voiced by Mel Blanc—singing and all.

Don't be arbitrary

Someone wrote that the best thing she had learned from me in unschooling discussions was "Don't be arbitrary."

The writing below came in my response to that.

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Consistency isn't magic. If a parent isn't using judgment in individual instances, but is just going by rules, it's not better than being arbitrary.

There SHOULD be times when kids can be louder and wilder, and times when parents are especially generous, and times when everyone should chill, and it's not a good time to spend money.

"It depends" is a good answer. Decision making based on the reality of the moment is more valuable than "consistency" or arbitrary decisions.

SandraDodd.com/depends
photo by Nina Haley

Sitting and being with

Let us assume (with my house as an example, at least) that hyperactivity runs in families and that like attracts like. With extra energy, people can do two things at once. If one of those things is pattern-building and physical, that whole verbal part of the brain is still available. Working on patterns in silence allows one’s mind to whirl and twirl.

Doing something non-verbal while talking has a special advantage: Silence is not awkward. Changing the subject temporarily to talk about the blocks or paints or puzzle is not really changing the subject. Fear and foreboding won’t cause people to leave the conversation or cry. It’s possible to pause, think, breathe, stall, collect oneself and come back to the topic in a minute.

I have a near-teen here who sometimes needs to be with me a while before he gets to what he needs to say. That puzzle didn’t really need to be worked, but perhaps that child needed to sit with that parent.

From "Leaning on a Truck," 1999
SandraDodd.com/truck
(with bonus paragraph breaks)
photo by Christine Milne

What helps?

In a sweet little side-exchange about unschooling working, and a child being 17, I wrote:

Parental hopes and worries don't help.

Parental support and smiles and snacks still help, even when the kids are on the cusp of being adults. 🙂

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Best wishes to all with teen and young-adult unschoolers. Being their whole selves on their own paths doesn't change with the calendar. Most of you know that already; my correspondent did, too.

SandraDodd.com/teen/
photo by Sarah S.

"Try not to learn"

I was once asked:

Since unschooling is a lifestyle, how can a family wanting to embrace these ideals begin the process? What encouragement would you offer?

Part of my 1998 response:

Play. Joke. Sing. Instead of turning inward and looking for the answer within the family, within the self, turn it all inside out. Get out of the house. Go somewhere you've never been, even a city park you're unfamiliar with, or a construction site, or a different grocery store. Try just being calm and happy together. For some families, that's simple. For others it's a frightening thought.

Try not to learn. Don't try to learn. Those two aren't the same thing but they're close enough for beginners. If you see something *educational* don't say a word. Practice letting exciting opportunities go by, or at least letting the kids get the first word about something interesting you're all seeing.

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The "Try not to learn" idea inspired Learn Nothing Day ten years afterwards (and 18 years ago, now).

SandraDodd.com/interview
photo by Holly Dodd

in French

What's the rush?

I saw an advertisement on the side of some webpage, aimed at me. "Homeschooling," I saw out the corner of my eye. It asked me whether I didn't want to make sure my child was ahead.

"Ahead" of what? Ahead of himself? That's considered a bad thing. "Don't get ahead of yourself," people say.

"Ahead" of other people? What's the rush?

When the traffic is slow on the freeway, sometimes someone will zoom along the shoulder and try to squeeze in. Why? It's not helpful. It's not polite. It's not safe.

My children are grown. They grew slowly, safely, politely, and I've always tried to be helpful. They weren't ahead. They were right where they were, all day, every day. There they still are, where they're used to being. They are themselves, here and now.

SandraDodd.com/being
photo by Sandra Dodd

Limits? Focus elsewhere.

Carol Brown, responding to the comment "Not being able to read can limit them":

They are also limited by their lack of height—but I'm not going to stretch them on the rack each night, to try and fix that.🙂 They are limited by not being able to drive—but I wouldn't let a 6 yo drive my car to the library! Reading is just one of many things they are limited by. I have found it is better to focus on the things they can do, or can nearly do, and help where they want help, rather than try to make / bribe / tempt / cajole / whatever / them into trying to learn things they aren't ready for. And many kids, especially boys, but some girls too, simply aren't ready for reading until later.

The main problem for a late reader is the negative input from others. Homeschool kids can be protected from a lot of that—providing the parents aren't the ones exuding the negativity!

—Carol Brown

SandraDodd.com/r/carolbrown
photo by Rippy Dusseldorp/Ripandeep Saran
(her boy, not one of Carol's)

Service and nurturing

Service and nurturing can make parents better humans.

Not being served, or being nurtured, but being of service and being nurturing to others.

SandraDodd.com/service
photo by Chrissy Florence

Find things she CAN cut

Sometimes parents think unschooling means kids do anything they want anytime, anywhere, to anything and anybody, and the parent doesn’t have the right to an opinion. That makes no sense.

Be your child’s partner. Don’t let your team be a bad team.

Fitted sheets are expensive. Your team cut a sheet. You, the older, smarter, ranking team member, screwed up.

She had scissors around a sheet. Problem.

IF when she cut the sheet you “tried to talk to her about why it was not okay” instead of expressing honest surprise and frustration, you will lost trust by being dishonest.

How will she learn the difference between expensive sheets and clothes, and scrap crap, if the mom uses a sweetie-pop poodle voice both times?

The original is on Always Learning
where I had linked to the page about tone of voice:
SandraDodd.com/tone
photo by Sandra Dodd
(here, on facebook)

I had no photo of a young child cutting things she shouldn't but remembered a photo of a clean fitted sheet.

One seamless whole

Tina Bragdon wrote:

More and more I am beginning to understand what you say about the power of our words, the semantics of them, and what they reveal about our thoughts deep down. I used to think long ago this was a bit nitpicky, but really can see what you mean when I really stop and think about it.

I think that awareness (for me anyway) is easier to come by with some of our loaded words like "lazy", "she-he always/never.." and such, but most of us weren't homeschooled let alone unschooled and as such don't realize the impact of being graded, sorted, and categorized from the age of 2-3 or so (ie-being regarded as "toddler", preschooler" and so on).

The more I take the word "teach" out of my vocabulary and am conscious of it the better it is for me and the easier it is to see my children's lives as one seamless whole and not divided by subjects.

—Tina Bragdon

The School in my Head

Mindful of Words

SandraDodd.com/subjects
photo by Holly Dodd

Getting unschooling to thrive

There is no one single right way to unschool, but there are many paths that ultimately lead away from success, so I would like to outline a map to becoming a successful unschooling parent.

Unschooling is based on the school-reform movement and the research of the late 1960's and early 1970's. John Holt wrote, in those days, about school reform, but by the end of the 1970's, he was recommending that parents keep their children home.

In the United States, school at home came along in the 1980's, with fundamentalist Christians who thought schools didn't control children well enough, and gave them too much information. But unschooling was already being done by families who felt that schools were too controlling and gave too little information. So there is quite a dichotomy.

John Holt wrote:

To parents I say, above all else, don't let your home become some terrible miniature copy of the school. No lesson plans! No quizzes! No tests!

My definition for unschooling is "creating and maintaining an environment in which natural learning can thrive."


From "Doing Unschooling Right"
(part of a "Doing Life Right" series organized by
Lisa Cottrell-Bentley in 2012)
photo by Dan Vilter

Wonder, imagination and beauty

Karen James wrote:

Instead of being afraid of this and that in society, open your heart to wonder. Spend meaningful time with your kids doing the things that captivate their imagination. Don't talk too much. Listen more. Really look into their eyes, and see how they see the world. Listen to what they're sharing with you, and hear how they interpret the world. Support what they see, and hear, and come to define as their model of reality. The more you show your support, the more you'll be invited to be a part of their lives, and the more beautiful your mutual experience will be.

—Karen James

SandraDodd.com/karenjames/hindsight
photo by Cally Brown
in New Zealand

Watch and learn

It is my long considered opinion, my eventual conviction, that trying to control TV based on the mother's judgment of what the child seems to be learning is

1) saying more about the mom than the TV or the child

2) putting a value on TV that treating it like any other book or toy or piece of furniture can never create

3) betraying the claim to believe learning is everywhere

4) usually indicative of the parent's NOT watching TV with the child.

I have watched Ninja Turtles cartoons, and movies. I have watched Power Rangers, and analyzed plots and characters with kids.

Power Rangers would not have been my first choice.

Being with my kids and seeing the world from their viewpoint and trying to help them figure it out was my first choice.

SandraDodd.com/t/debate
photo from a workshop Rose Sorooshian ran at an unschooling symposium where she let people choose TV shows, and put up what could be learned from them

Watching

Jenny Cyphers:

In the newer days years ago, what helped more than anything else was to actually see my kids and what they were actually doing. I would try to see the world from their eyes and see how they lit up and give them more of that. Just being with them and enjoying them for who they were regardless of what they were doing, watching tv, playing dress up, whatever helped keep my energy focused on them, rather than on fear of what they weren't or weren't doing.

—Jenny Cyphers
(original)

SandraDodd.com/jennycyphers
photo by Cátia Maciel

Safer safety

Mary Ellen (nellebelle) wrote, to a reporter:

I am writing as a parent who believes that the risk of my child being harmed by using the Internet is overblown.

Children are far more at risk from sexual predation by people known to the family than by strangers they meet on the Internet. Even if a predator does manage to contact a child via email or chatting, a lot would have to happen for that contact to lead to a physical meeting. Limiting children's use of the Internet is based on fear mongering and gives parents a false sense of security.

I monitor my children's Internet use by spending time with them while they are on-line. I encourage them to show me web sites they like to visit and how they use them. I show them web sites that I think they might enjoy. We speak about safety issues on an ongoing basis, just as we discuss safety in other areas of our lives.

—Mary Ellen (nellebelle)

SandraDodd.com/onlinesafety
photo by Holly Dodd

Breathe to think

Rachel S:

The hardest part for me is catching yourself in the moment and being aware enough to make the better choice that aligns with where you want to be. Luckily we have multiple opportunities daily to do so.😊

Sandra D:

If you didn't "catch yourself," that was one of those "acted thoughtlessly" moments.

Because you switched from "me" to "yourself/you," and talked about "catching yourself," I think you're seeing it as an outside influence—part of you is catching the other part of you. That's too much work and worry!

What helped me, when I had babies, was breathing before I spoke or before I decided, and eventually, taking a breath when I felt my thoughts get zippy-fast. I didn't always do it, but increasingly, many times a day, I did. Before long it was most of the time. That was growth. That was good.

Rachel S:

Yes I have started to try and stop and breath. It seems so foreign at times like I have to fill the space with something! The knee jerk conditioning is so strong at times but as you say it takes practice and eventually a new path will be laid. Thank you for replying. It has given me insight.

(original, in the comments at "Growth is good")
SandraDodd.com/breathing
photo by Nina Haley

More careful than "authentic"

Once upon a time in 2007, I was responding to a mom who was being dismissive (of her children) and defensive (of the discussion):

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She:

I think that because of the tool we are using here to communicate that something is lost in translation.

I:

Don't try to use a saw as a hammer.

The tool we're using here can be used very well, but it takes thought and practice. No one is preventing reflection and proofreading. It's fine (and would be good) for you to hold a post and edit it carefully. Those who choose not to shouldn't complain about reactions.

She:

As powerful as words can be, the right attitude and heart behind the mistake can change how the words were perceived.

I:

Words can harm children forever. You're very unlikely to traumatize any of the moms reading here, but we can help you learn not to traumatize your children, and to think and write more clearly, if you want.

She:

Sandra also said, "Watch your thoughts, because without doing that you can't really learn to choose better reactions."
I agree with this in part.

I:

IN PART?

SandraDodd.com/authentic
photo by Rosie Moon

Experiences and conversations

Pam Sorooshian wrote:

Unschooling is not leaving kids to their own devices until they show an interest in learning a given subject.

Unschoolers do not expect interests to arise out of nothing.

As an unschooling parent I offer ideas, information, activities, starting points, and material to my children as opportune moments arise, not out of nothing, but out of the experiences that are created by mindful living in the world—walking in the woods, visiting museums, watching movies, reading books, going to the theater, swimming in the ocean. Every moment in life offers opportunities for learning and investigation.

We went to the Rose Parade and my 12 yo daughter wondered aloud why it doesn't smell like roses even when you're right up close to the floats. There was a great opportunity to talk about plants being grown for various purposes—and how that is done—tomatoes raised for transportability rather than taste, flowers for longlastingness rather than aroma.

—Pam Sorooshian

SandraDodd.com/pam/learningworld
photo by Catherine Forest