Will they learn...

QUESTION: But I wonder how we are preparing them for adulthood then?

Joyce Fetteroll's
ANSWER: How did you prepare your newborn to be a toddler? How did you prepare your toddler to be a 6 yo?

They learn what they need now. The nows just naturally keep coming along and the kids end up where they are today already knowing what they needed last year and acquiring what they need for today.

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I love Joyce's answers. My own to such questions has usually been "Does high school prepare people for adulthood? Does a university degree teach them everything they need to know?"

Will they learn all they need to know?
photo by Karen James
(of water on an artichoke)

Light and kindness

Light can come from you, today, in small ways. If you are gentle and patient when you help a child, that creates peace and comfort. If you smile at a stranger, give someone a seat, or hold a door, you have transformed a moment. The light you add to their day can warm your own soul, too.

Kindness lights up the world.

SandraDodd.com/inspiration
photo by Sandra Dodd, in Australia, in 2014
I wrote at the time "The water was SO GREEN—green like light, like light through green-tinted glass."

Finding more excitement

A mom once wrote:

I am ready for his Obsession with these [Yu-Gi-Oh] cards to be gone.

A dad named Lyle responded:

He's learning about the cards. He wants to learn to duel. He's found something that fascinates him, and has a deep passion for, and you don't want to help. I think you're the one with the obsession.

The mom:

We all went to the [aquarium] over Valentines Weekend! Learned a lot about Fish and Water, and wildlife.

Lyle:

Cool! Sounds great! And when you can show the same excitement about every other thing he does, you will be officially deschooled!

You're still looking for the learning, and I know that's a tough habit to get out of. But you can do it, with a lot of conscious effort on your part. Going to the aquarium is not better than dueling or playing a GameBoy. Different, but not better. I'll bet that the kids he knows talk more about dueling or video games than they do about fish and wildlife. He's in touch with what goes on around him, the people he knows and the things that they do. Including you. He enjoys Yu-Gi-Oh AND the aquarium. If you try real hard, you can do that too!

🙂
Lyle

That's the end of something longer, and interesting, at Deschooling and Games

The image is from an "Aquarium" page on a large Yu-Gi-Oh wiki page, which probably didn't exist when Lyle was writing to the mom quoted above. You can see the word "aquarium" translated into several languages, and more, there.

Stages, and stars

The first stage is all the fear and uncertainty and angst.

Then comes deschooling and noticing how much of one's thoughts might be school-based and how easy it is for adults to belittle and discount children. That will take a year or so.


After school starts to recede it will be like the stars showing on a clear dark night in the country. They were always there, but you couldn’t see them for the glare of the sun or the city lights. So now you'll start to see that they're not all the same, and there are patterns, and a history, and there's science, mythology, art, and then the moon comes out! And then you hear coyotes and owls and water moving somewhere… what water?

It might be like that, or it might be exactly that. But until you stop doing what you were doing before, you will not see those stars.

After a few years of reveling in natural learning and the richness of the universe, if you or your children decide to take a class it will be an entirely different experience than you would have had when school loomed so large in your vision of the world.

That's all of page 37 (or 40) of The Big Book of Unschooling,
which leads to SandraDodd.com/stages
photo by Sandra Dodd
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This is repeated from a July 2012 post, to which someone responded "Beautiful. This is one of my all-time favorite pieces of writing on unschooling."

Happiness is helpful

Katy Jennings, when her son was twelve, about not requiring chores:

Another thing that was recommended that has really helped me is finding Joy in cleaning up.... Choosing to do housework with a positive attitude really helped me, my outlook, my happiness—and more importantly helped Richard be happier. And when he is happier, he helps me more🙂, though really wasn't my goal.

When the kitchen is clean, Richard is much more likely to rinse his plate, but if the sink is full of dishes, he just adds it to the pile. One trick for the kitchen that works in my house, keep a sink full of soapy water, it is ok if it gets cold. Dishes used throughout the day can just be tossed into the soapy water. Then when it is time to do the dishes they have already soaked and the job is easy. If the water gets too nasty that is ok too, make a new batch of soapy water or just use dishsoap on a cloth to wash then as you take them out of the water. I love paper plates too. I am kind of a tree hugger, so that used to bother me. Not anymore though. My son is more important. Also I live in a desert and doing dishes takes water that we need to conserve! 🙂

Katy Jennings
Alamogordo, New Mexico

SandraDodd.com/chores/shift
photo by Sandra Dodd

Learning All the Time

One of the filmmakers sent this to me in 2009, with this note:

I have recently made a film showing autonomous home ed in action.

My own son and a friend's son have an interest in movie making and wanted to do a free course which became available locally. As part of their learning they learned how to conduct interviews (which you will see on film) and which were totally unscripted. The children interviewed each other and us. I was also involved in filming and took responsibility for the editing which created the finished product. You see me on film talking about the dilemma of filming a process which is internal and which goes on all the time anyway! Other footage was filmed at a couple of home ed meets where, again, nothing scripted or staged took place, I simply filmed the children being their natural selves. I think what comes through is a strong sense of freedom and joy. Reactions over here have been very positive and I would like, if possible, for the film to be seen by unschoolers across the water.


SandraDodd.com/learningallthetime
The filmmakers and families, in South Wales, preferred to be nameless

All or nothing or...

Should people live in the water in the middle of the ocean, or should they live on land as far as possible away from an ocean?

Quickly! What's your answer?


This was a trick question just designed to make you think. But people really do ask the same kinds of questions of themselves sometimes. In some people's heads, "Don't believe everything you read" turns into "Don't believe anything you read."

In the middle are things like "Believe things that make sense and seem to work after you've thought about them and tried them out," and "Don't believe something just because you read it, but wait for it to be confirmed by other more trusted sources, or by your own research or observance."

By thinking in extremes, "There is more than one truth" becomes "All things are equally truthful." Just because there are many truths doesn't mean there's no such thing as nonsense.

SandraDodd.com/balance
The last bit was a paraphrase, to be courteous,
of the original statement from a few years before which was
"Just because there's more than one truth
doesn't mean there's no such thing as bullshit."

photo by Sandra Dodd

Calmly and peacefully

What I...do, is to help people live calmly and peacefully. It always interests me when people want me to stop doing that, to take it back, to say that indignation and fear are as good as joy and a feeling of abundance.

And it's not just my opinion, that anger and stress are unhealthy for people biologically, and socially. And it's not escapism or irresponsibility for me to say that when people feel grateful for things in their lives (food, running water, safety, roofs that don't leak) that they will have a happier moment, hour, day, sleep. I didn't make that up. It's self-evident AND backed up by even the slightest knowledge of biology and psychology.

SandraDodd.com/news
photo by Cátia Maciel

Try joy.

Perhaps happiness shouldn't be the primary goal. Try joy.
....
Enjoyment—that word itself is hardly used. Enjoyment is seen nearly as a sin for some people. "You're not here to have fun, you're here to work." Why can't work bring joy? Any tiny moment can be enjoyed: the feel of warm running water when you wash your hands; light and shadow on the floor; pictures in the clouds; the feel of an old book. If you see an old friend, that can bring pure, tingly joy for which there are no words.

SandraDodd.com/joy
photo by Theresa Larson

Spiritual growth

Where the spirituality comes in that, I think partly is the trust that your child is an organism that wants to learn—that that’s how people grow. There is physical growth that takes water food and rest, there’s mental growth which takes input—ideas, things to think about, things to try, things to touch. And then there’s spiritual growth, which takes more and more understanding—an awareness that it’s better to be sweet to other people than not, it’s better to be generous with your neighbours than hateful, better to pet your cat nicely than to throw it around.

At first it’s a practical consideration but later on, as the children are looking at the world through older eyes, they start to see that no matter whether the neighbour noticed or not, it made you a better person. No matter whether your cat would have done your stuff damage or not, it made you a better person. So I think there’s a spirituality there of respect given to the children being passed on.

Improving Unschooling
SandraDodd.com/radiotranscript
photo by Brie Jontry

Be more involved

Joyce Fetteroll wrote:

Unschooling is the opposite of both authoritarian and hands-off parenting. It's neither about creating rules to remote parent nor about letting kids jump off cliffs. It's about being more involved in kids lives. It's about accompanying them as they explore, helping them find safe, respectful and empowering ways to tackle what intrigues them.

—Joyce Fetteroll
2009

SandraDodd.com/balance
photo by Eleanor Chong

This image might be hard to interpret. It's wintry yard art. A forked branch was stuck in a container of water, and when the top layer froze, it was pulled out and hung up as a temporary decoration.

One quiet, loving thought

Different families have different resources, but here are two gifts any of us could give to someone today:

1. A glass of water, to someone who is working, or playing, or just got home, or just woke up. A favorite glass, or a pretty one, or a special one, maybe. Perhaps with ice, or a slice of lemon. Present it with a smile or a kind word.

2. A gentle touch, for a child or partner. Fingertips on an arm, or brushed down the back, or a hand held for a second longer than you might have otherwise. Sit close and lean softly for a couple of seconds. Think one quiet, loving thought while you touch this important person.

Other easy gifts
photo by Karen James

In a drop of water

Universe-in-a-Drop-of-Water Method:

Can one intense interest come to represent or lead to all others? A mom once complained that her son was interested in nothing but World War II. There are college professors and historians who are interested in nothing but World War II. It can become a life’s work. But even a passing interest can touch just about everything—geography, politics, the history and current events of Europe and parts of the Pacific, social history of the 20th century in the United States, military technology, tactics, recruitment and propaganda, poster art/production/distribution, advances in communications, transport of troops and food and supplies, espionage, prejudices, interment camps, segregation, patriotism, music, uniforms, insignia, religion....

from "Disposable Checklists for Unschoolers"
photo by Roya Dedeaux

States of being

Sometimes wind is blowing and sometimes it's still. Usually water is wet, but in some times and places it can be ice.

I have vivid memories of being childless. I had babies, and children, and teens (not all at the same time). Now I'm a grandmother.

May your status and your transitions be peaceful and calm, with joys to discover.

SandraDodd.com/calm
photo by Tessa Onderwater

Natural forces

With the right set-up, wind or water or sun can create power. Natural things can cause big changes.

When unschooling is working well, questions, conversations, jokes or songs bring powerful thoughts and profound changes.

With the right set-up everyday life can create power.

SandraDodd.com/t/learning
photo by Shawn Smythe Haunschild

Social obligations

Probably in every culture there are ceremonial and social meals. There are times when eating food with other people creates or strengthens bonds, or when sharing bread or a drink has spiritual significance. One taste of a wedding cake is better than turning down wedding cake altogether, because it's the ceremonial blessing of a marriage. If people are toasting with alcohol and you don't or can't drink alcohol (ever, or at that time), at least join the toast with water. To refrain from joining a toast is worse than an insult; it's like a public curse. One who pointedly fails to toast is standing up against the crowd and saying "I hope your project fails horribly" (or whatever it might be). So let your children know those things.

In the absence of a social obligation to eat at least a token amount, let your children choose not to eat if they don't want to. If the purpose of food is the sustenance of the body and the mind, then let that principle override schedules and expectations and traditions, most of the time. Your children will be more willing to eat to be polite if you only press it on rare occasions.


From "Social Obligations and Oddities," page 168 (or 190)
of The Big Book of Unschooling
which recommends SandraDodd.com/eating/humor
photo by Cátia Maciel

Provide more

Joyce Fetteroll, to someone fearful about not having started sooner:

How could doing better be worse?

You won't help yourself and your family be happy if you keep looking at what you *imagine* life could have been had you been mindfully parenting all along. You are where you are and right this moment you have the opportunity and a growing box of tools to be better. 🙂

When buckets have been empty for so long they've developed holes, it takes a lot of filling before those holes can start closing. But in the meantime having their buckets as full as you can make them will be better than empty. Maybe they won't ever be as full or lacking in holes as they could have been, but what's the alternative you have available right now?

—Joyce Fetteroll

Success with Later Unschooling?
with more, and follow-up

photo by Sandra Dodd
I used this photo once before,
but it IS bucket-shaped lacy water (with flowers), and seemed appropriate today.

Swimming in that water

It's fun to watch a fish. It might stay right where it is, however they do that, for a long time. It might change directions. It might dart away.

Try to see your child similarly. He's living in his own environment, in air, maybe walking on the floor or on the ground. He's there whether you're looking or not. He might stay in one place for a long time, or dart off somewhere.

Be at peace with small choices children make. See the beauty of them.

(Be at peace, but be ready to dart after them!)
Desire to learn
photo by Heather Burditt

Using tools

When I was a kid, humans used tools and that made us human, but that's no longer "the truth." Chimpanzees can use a leaf as a sponge to gather water out of a hole. They will lick a stick and put it down a hole to collect insects (termites? ants? I don't know what). They will move things to climb up on to get something they can't reach.

Marty says he thinks maybe elephants will pick up a stick to knock something down that's higher than their trunks. If they haven't, they should.

So what, these days, are "tools"? My computer? Google? Wikipedia? Blogger.com? My new glasses? That electric teakettle I'm about to go and heat water with?

We talk about parenting tools, and people adding to their toolboxes, and those are all in the realm of thought (and action proceeding from thought, but without physical tools).

"Tools" (on the Thinking Sticks blog)

Little Tools for an Epic Life
photo by Amy Milstein

Please and thank you

This was written in 2005, so note the update below.

My husband and I always said please and thank you to each other, and friends would comment on it, when were were dating and first living together. They said they don't say "please" for a glass of water or "thank you" for a kleenex. We always did, though, and still do. The kids picked it up easily because they heard it all the time.

Today's our 21st wedding anniversary.
We were together for six years before that.
We still say please and thank you, and we say it to the kids, too.

(original)

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Later this month we will have our 39th anniversary.

When Keith thanks me for making a meal, I thank him for having bought the groceries. Tonight he thanked me for making a fire, and I thanked him for the firewood.

Experiments and experiences
photo by Rachael Rodgers, in 2016
when we'd been married 32 years