Kids first, positively

In a social group, if a mom gets comfortable, she can spend years just chatting with those other moms without paying much attention to her own children other than keeping them fed, clothed and safe. If they're in school, that's not so bad.

If they're unschooled, though, the bulk of her time and energy should be with, on, about THEM, and the family, and the relationships. Unschooling should be better than school; if it's not, the kids would be better off in school.

Any unschooler who wants to do just the bare minimum of what she "has to do" to be considered (by whom!?) an unschooler is NOT unschooling well or right. It needs energy, activity, interactivity, flow, sparkle, joy.

People who come [to a discussion group] with ANY amount of Eeyore attitude, and those who defend that, are dragging people under and I don't want to condone that or provide a forum for anyone to drag potentially joyful people into a hole, justifying complaints, collecting negativity.

---

Please don't try to turn your unschooling into social groups. Don't look for "a tribe." Don't put your loyalty toward an unschooling group, or a conference. When that group becomes complacent, or negative, then you will, too.

Find a way to unschool confidently, even if all your other friends buy a curriculum or put their kids in school.

SandraDodd.com/positivity
photo by Annie Regan

(source, on facebook)

Bright and shiny things

Schuyler Waynforth wrote:

Often if I'm stuck not being able to see the positive in something, I need to quit looking at it. I need to look at other things. I need to find something to move forward to instead of whirling and twirling around the angsty thing. Make the angry thing small and insignificant, turn away from it, look for bright and shiny things to distract you, look at tiny things that give you pleasure, look at large things that you didn't appreciate fully the first time around. Turning toward joy will definitely make it harder to feel stymied in the negative.

—Schuyler Waynforth

SandraDodd.com/distraction
photo by Vlad Gurdiga

Finding depth and clarity

Pam Sorooshian wrote:

When we started unschooling, my mom kept saying that she was worried I would "lose myself" in it—that I wouldn't have time for myself. She was very very wrong. I found myself and very very deep meaning to life and a much more clear sense of what's important.

—Pam Sorooshian

SandraDodd.com/peace/mama
photo by Denaire Nixon

Dishes and clothes and food...

One time long ago Keith was cranky and told me that because of me he had to go to work every day, and make house payments.

I heard him, and I let him rant, and I said fairly calmly that I was pretty sure that if we hadn't gotten married he still would be living in a house and going to work. Even if he was single, and I named some friends of ours who were single, who had jobs, and paid rent or mortgages. 🙂

I think women do that too, thinking they wouldn't be doing dishes or laundry or cooking if they hadn't gotten married or had kids.

Avoiding the negative rants is a giant step in the right direction, for having a peaceful, contented life. Being glad to HAVE dishes and clothes and food and a pan and a fire, that's the way to be. 🙂

SandraDodd.com/50/50
photo by Cátia Maciel

Enrichment, love and happiness

"jbantau" wrote, in the midst of sharing how she changed her life to accommodate unschooling:

Doing things with my children that enrich their lives and make them feel loved is my true happiness.

—jbantau

Click here to go to the full story (right under "the little stick figure guy" photos) on the "me time" page, SandraDodd.com/metime
photo by Sandra Dodd

Manipulation vs. persuasion

In a 2005 discussion, someone asked:

Where is the line drawn? (Because of the inherent power difference between parents and children, when is a parent persuading instead of manipulating?)

I responded:

It's different every time in each dyad. Some parents manipulate all the time. It is neither ideal nor illegal. Some parents never manipulate nor even learn to persuade, to the point that they are what is called "walked on" and marginalized by even their own family.

In the middle is a balance point and that will be different in different circumstances.

If I see one of my boys getting emotionally involved with a girl who seems desperately needy to have a baby to get away from her family, that would call for more commentary and discouragement than if he's liking a girl who seems calm and thoughtful and balanced. To declare in advance a rule about how I will be in future unseen circumstances would be to turn off my own freedom and judgment.

Living by principles and not by rules, as I try to do, having a rule about what is and what isn't violates my principles.

Sandra

literal meaning of "manipulation"
photo by Rippy Dusseldorp

Understanding without pressure

Lyle Perry wrote:

Knowing facts and understanding facts are two very different things. School (for the most part) requires knowing facts and the ability to state those facts on demand, but doesn't necessarily require understanding the facts. I think most people make it through school memorizing enough facts to keep the teachers happy, but have very little understanding of those facts until much later in life, if ever. There's not enough time for understanding in school. The schedule doesn't allow for it.

Unschooling gives a person the time to understand, without the pressure of memorization and schedules. It's learning in an un-pressurized atmosphere.

—Lyle Perry

SandraDodd.com/lyle/definition
uncredited image, floating around
Facts about the YMCA (some of which you might already know)

Advice

Q/Kim:

What parenting advice would you give to those who are new to unschooling?

A/Sandra:

Read a little, try a little, wait a while, watch. That's my new improved advice for anyone about anything. Some people think they can read their way to a change, or discuss themselves into unschooling.

(That was new improved advice in 2010; it's regular old advice now.)
Q/Kim:

Yes, I think I was one of those people to begin with. It's only time and experience that has given me way more understanding. Oh and being a part of Always Learning!

A/Sandra:

It's important to find out what others have discovered and done, but nothing will change until the parents change the way they respond to the child. But if the parents change EVERYthing about the way they respond to the child, that creates chaos, and doesn't engender confidence. The child might just think the parents have gone crazy or don't love him anymore.

"An unschooling surprise: Sandra Dodd is in the house!"
Interview by Kim Houssenloge
photo by Karen James

The gentle way

Sue Elvis wrote:

Gradually I was discovering what was really important. And bit by bit, I rejected anything that led us away from that close and happy relationship that I knew was the most important thing in the world. I realised that a lot of what was causing our conflict was other people’s expectations and timetables: My children had to do this, that, and the other, not because it fulfilled their needs, but because someone (not very important) expected them to achieve this or that. Worse, sometimes this or that had to be achieved by a particular age. And sometimes I brought trouble upon myself: I simply wanted my children to do certain things to impress certain (not very important) people. . . . .
Eventually, I let go of all those expectations imposed on us from outside. I learnt to listen to my children. And trust. Now we are homeschooling the gentle way, the unschooling way. Our children are learning but not at the expense of our family relationships.

—Sue Elvis

Time to Unschool
You can hear Sue read the longer version aloud,
near the end here: Our Unschooling Story
Photo... maybe by Sandra Dodd, but I didn't note that.
The art is in Old Town, Albuquerque, near San Felipe church.

Slowly, all of a sudden

Sandra Dodd:

Move gradually into unschooling ideas—VERY gradually if your partner isn't interested.

Until you understand it better yourself, you can't explain it to anyone. And until someone is interested, he can't hear an explanation. Same as with kids. It needs to be related to an actual curiosity or interest for it to make any sense at all.

Karen James:

I didn't try to explain unschooling to Doug (my husband). I did a good variety of things with Ethan, and shared the cool connections I saw happening.

For example, when Ethan drew a self portrait with three rows of three stick figures and said, "Nine Ethans! Three threes are nine," I simply shared with Doug how cool it was that Ethan discovered multiplication through drawing self portraits.

I didn't need to explain how that worked. In time, by sharing these kinds of experiences, the benefits of learning naturally became clear and cool and convincing all on their own. (I framed that drawing. It was a big a-ha moment for me too!)

SandraDodd.com/gradualchange

Original, on facebook (where not everyone goes, I know)
art by Ethan, photographed by Karen James

Structure

In 1992, someone asked:

How do I structure our days
and how do I structure our learning time?

I think it should be "Woke up, got dressed, ate, played, ate, played, etc." In other words, I don’t think there should or can be any “days off” from child-centered "education."

If this seems wrong, try this experiment: Keep your child from learning anything for a few days. Make sure that from the first waking moment there is nothing learned, no new material, no original thoughts to ponder, etc. The only problem is that you would have to keep the children from playing, talking, reading, cleaning or repairing anything, etc.

from page 1 of Moving a Puddle

see also SandraDodd.com/structure
photo by Sandra Dodd

Higher level considerations

Someone wrote:

I just really wish I could be confident that I'm making the right choices for my children.

I responded:

Nobody can be confident that she's making "the right choices."

The best you can do is to gain courage in your own judgment and in making good choices given what you knew and what was available to you at the time. There aren't single "right" answers to life situations. There are ranges of options, and better and worse answers.

It helps to always consider an option or two when you make any decision. It's not a choice if you didn't consider two or more paths and then choose the one that seemed best. Gradually as you do gain strength of conviction and the ease of experience, the choices will come more easily and be of higher level considerations.

SandraDodd.com/betterchoice
photo by Cátia Maciel

Seeing and living harmoniously

I don't really care as much about the definition of unschooling as I do about helping real individual families to unschool in a way that works, that can last, and not just be a temporary respite from school or curriculum, but that can be sustained and enlarging in and for their whole family. If learning stops where "parenting" starts, how will unschooling be "learning from life"? . . . .

It doesn't matter if no two families decide on a definition. But when I'm asked "How did you do that?" I'm going to be honest. It's not about academics. It's about having changed how I saw the world and children, and then living harmoniously with my children in a world I *know* to be filled with all the elements they need to thrive. I suppose someone could spend a lot of volunteer time telling people how to unschool without changing their attitude or parenting. I haven't seen that, though, because I don't know of any truly happy and successful unschoolers who have clung to traditional parenting. If it can work, no one who's doing it has come out and helped others do it that way too.


From a 2004 discussion on why unschooling isn't 'just' unschooling, or something
photo by Cátia Maciel

More peaceful

Someone on unschooling-[dot]-info (now defunct) was frustrated with advice that she be more gentle with her daughter and wrote:

You guys do it your way, let your kids run wild, let them curse, let them do every little thing they want to do.

arcarpenter/Amy responded:

That's really not how my house looks or feels—not wild, not out-of-control. There is something in-between the extremes of demanding obedience and having children feel and act out-of-control all the time. The something in-between is giving feedback about how a behavior is affecting me and others, while also being understanding that the behavior is coming from a valid need. The something in-between often takes more time and attention than either of the extremes, but it is worth it, because my children get a chance to problem-solve and to grow in their own emotional awareness now, when they're young, instead of trying to figure it all out on their own when they're older.

. . . .
The more we practice these principles, the more peaceful our house becomes. *That* is what our house looks like—not what you described above.

Peace,
Amy

What I left out was a story with examples of how unschooling was creating peace at their house. It's here: SandraDodd.com/peace/fighting
photo by Gail Higgins

Not following a script

Sandra Dodd to Pam Sorooshian, in a sort of group interview:

You've been communicating closely with all kinds of homeschoolers, not just unschoolers, for a long time now. Thinking back to the best of them and the families in which things were strong and good, what traits in the parents or families do you think helped most?

Pam Sorooshian:

Hmmm - the best of them.... I think it is that they aren't treating their kids the way they think they are "supposed to," but are looking clear-eyed at their own real children and treating them as the individuals they are. I mean - they aren't following a script. They are authentic. They don't punish a kid because they have some idea that "kids need to be punished" - they think about what their own real standing-in-front-of-them kid is probably feeling and thinking and they respond to that reality. How many times have we seen a parent yell or be harsh with a kid that was already upset? Without regard to what was upsetting them.

Parents who get really in touch with their kids - who let themselves think what their kids are thinking - who aren't afraid to imagine what their kids are REALLY feeling and thinking...... those are the good ones.

Sometimes I'm amazed at what parents tell themselves that their own kids are thinking or feeling. The really awful ones make all kinds of terrible assumptions about kids' intentions.

—Pam Sorooshian
2009

Chat with Pam Sorooshian
photo by Cátia Maciel

Respect makes sense

Joyce wrote::

When kids feel respected, when they've experienced a life time of their desires being respected and supported to find safe, respectful, doable ways to get what they want, kids won't push the envelope into craziness. That behavior just doesn't make sense to them.

Kids who've been controlled focus on pushing against that control, sometimes focus on the hurt of not being accepted for who they are, and do things just because they're not supposed to.

— Joyce Fetteroll

SandraDodd.com/partners/child
photo by Caren Knox

Light art (and spooky)

For young children, costumes and decorations can make them feel powerful, or beautiful, and a little afraid—in a fun way, if the adults and older kids help keep that fairly balanced.

I have candy to hand out when the time comes. We have some decorations. I have a lifetime of memories of trick-or-treating when I was little, seeing or being a little way into houses I might never be in again, getting candy and treats from strangers—some of them dressed up, too, and smiling at me.

I have memories of taking my own young children door-to-door, and of driving them to a special place or two beyond walking distance some years.

Young families will be welcome here this year, and older kids and teens, too.

Airy and bright
photo by Janine Davies

Less methodical

If there is a method to unschooling it's certainly not a simple one. It involves changing one's stance and viewpoint on just about everything concerning children and learning. That's not "a method." That's a life change.

The first time I used this quote, in 2011,
Karen James responded:

It really is a life change, that keeps changing and evolving. Actually, I find, the less methodical I am, the more fluent the learning and living become.

SandraDodd.com/unschool/definition
photo of "the rock house", from Sandia Tram, by Sandra Dodd
(The rock layers really are at that angle,
at the top of the Sandia Mountains.)

Don't trivialize "trivia"

What is trivia? For school kids, trivia is (by definition) a waste of time. It’s something that will not be on the test. It’s “extra” stuff. For unschoolers, though, in the wide new world in which EVERYTHING counts, there can be no trivia in that sense.

SandraDodd.com/trivia
photo by Tara Joe Farrell,
in Cerillos, New Mexico

Hold on

Kelli Traaseth wrote:

Hold onto each day, know how quickly they pass. Kiss those tiny heads of toddlers and babies; smell their heads, as my friend Sandra says. Before you know it, they'll be playing a game together and you won't even need to explain the rules to them. In fact you'll have a hard time comprehending the game.

Time... must you keep marching on? by Kelli Traaseth
photo by Sandra Dodd