Showing posts sorted by date for query /better. Sort by relevance Show all posts
Showing posts sorted by date for query /better. Sort by relevance Show all posts

Thursday, October 23, 2025

We really like it.

Paula L, in a brainstorming discussion about jobs:

And the list didn't mention cleaning and organizing businesses! My husband and I started our business, Simple Solutions, 16 months ago. You can do very well financially if you want to push the hours and even maybe hire employees. Right now we work a combined total of 40 hours a week—we take turns working so one of us is with Andy. We have no desire to make this a big venture. It's just the two of us. We will be raising our rate soon. We are not rich, but we are getting by just fine, better than ever before. And we have virtually NO overhead expenses, which is awesome. We're even getting a pretty good tax return.

Best of all, we really like it. 🙂
—Paula L

Stories about Jobs
photo by Karen James, of her workspace,
new wallpaint, her own organization

Wednesday, October 22, 2025

One tricky moment

Deb wrote:

If we recognize a difficult moment as one tricky moment in a day of potential great moments we're more likely to have a better attitude all day long.
—Deb Lewis

SandraDodd.com/mistakes
photo by Irene Adams

Saturday, October 18, 2025

Deciding what's good

People can say "no judgment" but people cannot think without making judgments. People can't make any choices without deciding moment to moment what's good, what's better, what's a bad choice.

SandraDodd.com/judgment
photo by Colleen Prieto

Monday, October 13, 2025

A bond of inquiry

A mom named Sandy:
To most children or people it is apparent and that is only one of MANY examples of simple things that he questions.
A mom named Sandra:
If it wasn't apparent to him, so what? He asked you a question that had a simple answer. If you expect him to be other than who he is, or if you withhold simple answers, he'll learn to stop asking you. Not good.

Questions are gloriously good for unschooling. And it's possible that he understands some situations better than you do and his questions are deeper than you think they are. Try asking him a question in return. Give a simple answer and then ask a question to help him clarify what he really wants to know. It will help both of you learn to think analytically, and create a bond of inquiry and shared experience between you.

Same old link as yesterday
a good, short discussion in which the original poster untangles and rethinks
photo by Nicole Kenyon

Thursday, October 9, 2025

What John Holt didn't know

NOTE FROM SANDRA: I was speaking, not writing, so when you get past that stuttery beginning, it might flow.


One thing that John Holt, when he was writing about Teach Your Own, he, too, had a curriculum in mind. He, too, was thinking, not "Teach a curriculum," but "Do this, instead of school, until school is out, and then you will be done, and it will be cool, you will have dodged the bullet, you will have missed out on the damage of school." That’s worthy all by itself.

But John Holt didn’t have any children. He didn’t actually do what he was writing about people doing. I respect him, I love his books, I am glad he did what he did. But then people come along, after that, and they do it. And then they shared that with each other, and then people did it better than they saw their families do it. Other families say, “Well, I wish I hadn’t done this; it was all right, but oh, I wish we had done this." And so entire lives of young people have been lived now since John Holt died, who didn’t go to school. And what those families discovered, that John Holt could not have known, is that if you live your life receptive to the learning around you, accepting of input, appreciative of the other people around you who know things, and of the resources around you, and trying not to be prejudiced against input like television and videogame and comic book, then what happens is, the parents' learning kicks back in. The parents, who probably had sort of calcified because of school, they soften back up, and they start to want to learn. And so they are learning along with their children, or in a parallel-play kind of way. They might all be in the same place all learning different things, sharing the good parts.

Family Bonding (recorded interview and transcript)
SandraDodd.com/familybonding
photo by Sandra Dodd
of Keith and Holly, 2015

Monday, October 6, 2025

Quickly but gradually...

Instead of just going from lots of control to "do whatever you want," a really sweet way to do it is quickly but gradually. Quickly in your head, but not all of a sudden in theirs. Just allow yourself to say "okay" or "sure!" anytime it's not really going to be a problem.
If something isn't going to hurt anything (going barefoot, wearing the orange jacket with the pink dress, eating a donut, not coming to dinner because it's the good part of a game/show/movie, staying up later, dancing) you can just say "Okay."

And then later instead of "aren't you glad I let you do that? Don't expect it every time," you could say something reinforcing for both of you, like "That really looked like fun," or "It felt better for me to say yes than to say no. I should say 'yes' more," or something conversational but real.

The purpose of that is to help ease them from the controlling patterns to a more moment-based and support-based decision making mindset. If they want to do something and you say yes in an unusual way (unusual to them), communication will help. That way they'll know you really meant to say yes, that it wasn't a fluke, or you just being too distracted to notice what they were doing.

SandraDodd.com/eating/control.html
photo by Cátia Maciel

Wednesday, October 1, 2025

Words might kinda hurt you


Heather Booth wrote:

One of the things that helped when I started unschooling was becoming aware of the words I used. The clearer I became in my thoughts and the more aware of the impact of my words, the better I was at being an unschooling parent. I want to discuss with my group the power of words. "Read a little, try a little, wait a while, watch" and "Say yes more" are great phrases to get you going in the right direction but if you are still saying "have to" or "junk food " or "screen time" then you're stuck in negative thoughts.
—Heather Booth

Weed Away Words
photo by Sandra Dodd
___


To any non-English speakers who don't get the title, we have an old saying that "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me." The post's name is in the rhythm of the end of that; it has scansion.

Monday, September 29, 2025

Small steps

Good bits lifted from a 2015 post:

Too often “do the best you can” is used to excuse letting things slide.
Think more about the children than about how you feel about thinking about them. It will help you when they feel better.

...read a little, try a little, wait a while and watch...

Don’t think you can change all at once, but if you see how much difference small steps can make, perhaps you can focus on not making anything worse, and stepping gently but steadily toward a more confident presence.
—Sandra
(original)

Small, simple steps
photo by Janine Davies
___

Sunday, September 14, 2025

Ultimately...

If parents want to be unschoolers, they need to figure out how to be better parents, because it's the relationship between the parents and children that ultimately makes unschooling work.

SandraDodd.com/peace/becoming
photo by Roya Dedeaux

Saturday, September 13, 2025

As understanding grows

Joyce Fetteroll wrote:

It usually takes a long time before people new to unschooling stop looking for new rules to replace old ones. The more people are discouraged from skimming a surface understanding of unschooling, discouraged from relying on meaningless reassurances that going through the motions of unschooling with crossed fingers and assurances everything will be fine, the better for their kids.

Unschooling is a paradigm shift for most everyone. That shift doesn't happen by acting like other unschoolers. It comes slowly, bit by bit, as understanding of what unschooling is grows.
—Joyce Fetteroll

From Always Learning; third post down

or at the current groups.io site
photo by Jihong Tang

Friday, September 5, 2025

Valuing Scooby-Doo

Colleen Prieto was talking to her son Robbie, who was nine, about "Frankenstorm." Below is Colleen's account:

He thought for no more than a second, and then very excitedly told me:

"Mom, Frankenstein is not evil. People just think he's evil but he's not - he's just trying to be good even though he's failing. Even though I haven't read the book or saw the movie if they made one, I know that pretty much from Scooby Doo. So we have nothing to worry about with the hurricane if now it's Frankenstorm because Frankenstein is good. If we were supposed to be scared, then they should have picked a better name!"

Many, many times in my daily life with my son, I am reminded that there is value in so very many things—be those things Scooby Doo or Pokemon or Star Wars or Harry Potter or 1,000 other "easy to criticize" forms of media or entertainment. Life is so much more fun when you look to the happy parts, look for the good, and keep an open mind.

Scooby-Doo, Frankenstein, and a Big Storm
photo by Sandra Dodd
__

Monday, August 18, 2025

TV, games, or any video media

Years back, a group of families traded babysitting. Kirby had a favorite family to visit, where there were several kids who knew and liked him. When interviewed ten years later, I responded:

When Kirby was four or five, they had a Nintendo and we didn't, but [they] kept it up in the closet. Once Kirby played it, he always wanted to play it when he went over. Our simple solution to that was to buy him a Nintendo. After that, when he went to their house, he played in the yard.

They only used their TV for the Nintendo (when it was out, for a measured session) or for videos (sometimes, not much). When those kids came to our house, they only wanted to watch TV.... If TV has never been limited or demonized, it will never be so mesmerizing.

There is another factor that will make it mesmerizing for children: depression and a need to escape. Kids who hate their lives are better off focusing on the TV so strongly that they don't even see the wall behind it. Sometimes it's their only way out of the room. ... But if the TV is just one of a myriad of interesting things, and the room is a happy place, and there are others watching TV and it will lead to conversations, singing, research, drawing, play-acting and dress-up, it's not so mesmerizing.

SandraDodd.com/screentime.html
photo by Sandra Dodd, of Kirby (middle)
playing with a five-year-old, in 2014 or so




That day, what came out to the interviewer was "Kids who hate their lives..." but any kid who is stressed and stuck might need such an escape; it's not unhealthy.

Saturday, August 16, 2025

More than one chair

Deb Lewis wrote:

If your daughter doesn't want to leave something interesting to go to the table to eat, take food to her. Sit with her and eat together. That's the same kind of sharing you could do at a table. Food eaten in front of the TV or computer with a happy mom who is interested in you is much better than food shared in grudging silence and anger. Wouldn't you be grateful to a friend who brought you food if you were in the middle of something important? I'm always grateful when my husband brings home a pizza or Chinese food when I'm having a really busy day.

Get another computer as soon as you can. If you had only one plate wouldn't you get another? If you had only one chair, wouldn't you get another? Don't fight over life's conveniences. What a terrible waste of time.
—Deb Lewis

That's the end of something good, and longer, at
SandraDodd.com/deblewis.
photo by Jihong Tang

Wednesday, August 13, 2025

Thinking and choosing


If you think of two things and choose the better one, then you've made a choice.

If you act without thinking first, you have acted thoughtlessly.

SandraDodd.com/cairns
photo by Sandra Dodd
and it's upside-down, as they were hanging
in a gift shop in Kuranda

Tuesday, August 5, 2025

Gently untangling "kind and gentle"

Part of something longer (linked below):

If your childhood abuse and neglect have left a lot of closed-off areas inside you, it would help to get therapy—even light help, to get you started on looking, a bit at a time, at what happened, and looking with a compassionate eye—compassion for the child you were, compassion for the adults who might have done better if they could have, if they knew more, if they had support for being kind and gentle. Then that would help you spread "kind and gentle" into the present, while you were gently untangling the snarls of your childhood memories.

The clearer your mind is of trauma and fear, the more easily your thoughts can flow, and connections can be made.

SandraDodd.com/awareness
photo by Sandra Dodd

Friday, August 1, 2025

Open, joyful, fearless

If you want to unschool, life is better lived around learning, and relationships. Living in a relaxed home, where at least one parent is open to and joyful about all the world has to offer, will do more for a child's well-being than any amount of fear or control of foods a parent perceives as harmful.
—Lisa J Haugen

SandraDodd.com/food
photo by Sandra Dodd (in India, a while back)

Monday, July 28, 2025

Responding directly

If we wait to see where a child's gaze falls, and wait a while for a question or comment to form, our observation and readiness to assist if needed, or to converse casually will be better than any pre-scripted lesson could ever be.

It will be personal, and real, and at exactly the right moment.

SandraDodd.com/wonder
photo by Chrissy Florence



The post was used six years ago, too, but here is a new link to go with it:
SandraDodd.com/conversation

Sunday, July 20, 2025

Stir up some peace


Sandra Dodd (in 2017—general discussion, not unschooling):
There is a natural need in people to know the "us" and the "them." Those who want an inclusive, multicultural, liberal, accepting life will still have a "them." It's easy to revile "the enemy." It might be impossible NOT to have the idea of "other." But creating a "culture" or nation that is created of a combination of others won't save any individual from their own instincts.

Deb Lewis wrote (in the midst of other things):
You can't clean up a pile of shit by shitting on it.

Sandra Dodd, to that:
The people who are cleaning up can feel hatred for those who keep shitting on it (whatever the "it" is they're cleaning up).
. . . .
Hating those other people makes you hateful.

There isn't a final solution, but there are things to make it (the big pile of shit) worse, and ways to make our own moment in time better. Enough good moments might make a good day. Don't collect shit unless you want a shitty day.

Back to nowadays...
I know it's not the most uplifting quote, but a reminder that negativity is negative might help parents of children who are still at home to be positively sweet and present. Stir up some peace.

SandraDodd.com/antagonism
photo by Holly Dodd

Wednesday, July 16, 2025

The whole set of everything


We didn't have problems with our unlimited turns, but it's because nobody ever played longer than he really wanted to just to keep another kid from getting on. Not even nearly. If Kirby knew he wanted to play for a really long time, he would offer Marty a turn, knowing Marty couldn't last so long. Sometimes I would appeal to one of them to trade out, but it was for real reasons every single time. "Kirby has to go to karate, so can he go now and you can play all the time he's gone?" or "Holly's pretty sleepy anyway, and wanted to play Zoombinis. Can she have her turn soon?"

As with so many other things (every other thing, maybe) in our lives, though, it wasn't that single slice that "worked," it was the whole set of everything. They trusted me because I had spent years being trustworthy. They knew there was no secret agenda, and that I really did want them to all have fun things to do, and that they WOULD get to be on the computer uninterrupted, soon.



That was in the dial-up days. The world is better now, with more computers in homes, with wifi, with tablets. At the link below you can also read how Pam Sorooshian handled sharing a different way, when she had three children at home.

SandraDodd.com/sharing
Helping Children Share

photo by Sandra Dodd
(re-used, because it's from the days of the writing)
___

Friday, July 11, 2025

Thoughtful and mindful

I don't like the term "authentic," of human behavior. It suggests that all those doing anything differently are false, inauthentic, wrong.

If it means being thoughtful and mindful, those are much better terms and concepts to use. If it means living by principles and making careful decisions rather than stumbling along following vague rules, then let's talk about living by principles. But "authenticity" is a false clarity. It's not as real as it sounds.

SandraDodd.com/issues/authenticity
photo by Karen James