Love; generosity; a haven

Wash dishes because you want to. What would make you want to? Love. Generosity. A desire to have an available kitchen, a clean slate, a fresh canvas. The wish to do something simple and kind for yourself and others. The wish to keep peace in your house. The preference of singing and feeling warm soapy water over accusations and threats and tears. The intention to build loving relationships rather than antagonism. The hope to make a haven of your home, rather than a dangerous trap everyone would love to escape.

from page 201 of The Big Book of Unschooling (page 177 of the older edition)
related ideas online: Serving Others as a Gift
photo by Colleen Paeff

Two things at once

Here's a confession. While advice to focus and concentrate on doing one thing without distraction—singlemindedly performing a task in and of itself—seems very spiritual and clear, in my own real life I don't like it. Maybe it's because I can't succeed there.

I like to have conversations during video games, and sing while I'm driving, listen to audiobooks while I'm doing dishes, and that's probably why I like this picture of kids interacting just some, while also doing other things. I see evidence of activity and of choices made, and nothing taken too seriously. There can be clear and spiritual advantages to accepting that some people are that two-for-one way.

Doing Two Things at Once or, Leaning on a Truck and other parallel play
photo by Kinsey Norris

Same old appreciation

Same old sink, same old dishes. Same house, day after day.

But look how, randomly, the spoon and fork handles all pointed in different directions. Look how the light hits things. The sky reflected down into my sink!

I am grateful to have that sink and those dishes. My house keeps us safer, cooler in summer, warmer in winter, day after day.

A dirty pot means we had food, and a stove to cook it over. Dirty bowls mean people ate. That is something to be happy about.

SandraDodd.com/dishes
photo by Sandra Dodd

Exploring, playing, relationships

Schuyler Waynforth wrote:

We have chosen to listen to our children, to pay attention to their needs and their wants instead of telling them that they must conform to our needs and our wants.


It means that for me if Simon (my 8 year old son) asks me to help him play Tales of Symphonia on the gamecube and I happen to be doing the dishes I may ask that he wait the 10 minutes or more likely than not I may just let the dishes soak and come and play with him. The dishes will be easier to clean when I empty the sink and refill it with warm water and I will have gotten to spend an hour with my son talking and exploring and playing and continuing to forge a relationship that makes me so happy I cannot begin to express my joy.

SandraDodd.com/schuyler/rant
That was from an unusual (for Schuyler) rant in 2007.

Here are some newer words from this ever-thoughtful unschooling mom:
Schuyler Waynforth Interview

photo by Sandra Dodd, of Schuyler's cat in 2009
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Many homey, happy things

Part of what makes a house a home is the familiarity of the dishes, towels, tools and chairs. Easily, we can forget to look, but in memories of childhood homes and grandparents' and friends' homes, you might recall things that seemed special to you as a guest. Sometimes I'll see a bowl, or pot-holder, or cheese grater that reminds me of my granny's house, or my mamaw's. One of my aunts had house plants and photos of Elvis, intermingled on shelves.

Some things about your house will be memories for your children and grandchildren, but you can't know which things those will be.

Dishes (and peace)
photo by Karen James

Viewpoint

The camper from which this photo was taken has been moving around Europe extensively, so the view changes, but the doorway stays about the same. This day, they were in Turkey.

What we perceive is seen through our own eyes. Even looking at a photo, we see what WE see, of what the photographer saw. Our thoughts can't be theirs. What it smelled like can't be conveyed, or how it sounded.

Some scenes and places and stories, dishes, houses, I have shared with my husband and children, but still their perceptions and memories can only be their own. This is a good thing, and good to remember.

Center of the Universe
photo by Ester Siroky

The river of newness

Emily Strength wrote:

"The pop culture of today is the history of tomorrow."

I responded:

This is true of music, clothing, food, hairstyles, slang, cars, kitchen design, dishes, shoes, musical instruments (think of pianos or guitars you have known—which were from the 19th century, maybe, or early 20th, or 1970's, or recently made by Yamaha which kicks musical... butt).

Any of those topics could lead to very many trails involving technology, international trade, cultural borrowings, religion (why didn't I say "kicks ass" above? It would have disturbed some people, and now it still can; sorry), superstition, money...

The science of today is the "What were they THINKING!?" of tomorrow [as we shake our heads and roll our eyes about scientific fallacies of the past, until they are (many of them, individually, sometimes randomly) shown to have been fact after all].

The proper language and punctuation of today will irritate those not yet born, in 35 years.

Find this river of newness becoming history that's flowing right around and through us all, and learn to ride it openly and happily if you can!

—Sandra Dodd

History and Unschooling
photo by Amy Milstein

The good stuff

There are probably things in your house that would fascinate your children but you haven't thought to offer or they haven't found the good stuff yet. Consider interesting things you have that might be of interest for being old, foreign, specially made or obtained under special circumstances:

ornaments
dishes / pots /molds
silverware—even one old piece you know something about
egg beater
flour sifter
can openers (“church keys”)
old bottles or other containers
old clothes from the 60's or 70's
recordings—reel to reel, 45's, 78's, 8-tracks
manual typewriter
push mower
pre-transistor radio

More of that list, and the parent article are at SandraDodd.com/museum
photo by Holly Dodd
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The history of tomorrow

Emily Strength wrote:

"The pop culture of today is the history of tomorrow."

I responded:

This is true of music, clothing, food, hairstyles, slang, cars, kitchen design, dishes, shoes, musical instruments.... . . .Find this river of newness becoming history that's flowing right around and through us all, and learn to ride it openly and happily if you can!

I left some out, above. So history goes. SandraDodd.com/history
photo by Megan Valnes

Enjoy it!

Pam Sorooshian wrote:

What do I regret? EVERY minute that I spent worrying over whether the house was clean. That would be my biggest regret. THAT was wasted worry.
. . . .
I have learned to LOVE doing the dishes. I don't DO them without enjoying it. I either enjoy it or don't do it. Appreciate or enjoy or at least feel pleasant&mdashI don't have to be deliriously happy. So sometimes they don't get done. But usually they do. And nobody in my house ever has bad feelings about dishes anymore.

—Pam Sorooshian

Quote from Chat with Pam Sorooshian

Ideas match Dishes
photo by Sandra Dodd

Worth the work

Pam Sorooshian, in 2007:

I never "got it" about chores until it was really almost too late. My own issues about housework, etc., kept me from being able to embrace whole-heartedly the idea that any kid would ever actually step up and help out without it being required.

I see a HUGE difference, now, though, since I stopped demanding housework a few years ago.. . . .

What I regret is that I didn't figure out ways to do stuff like this when the kids were younger. I wish I'd made housework entirely optional, but then made it enticing for them to do it with me or with each other, so that they'd have still helped out, but without the tone of it being demanded. These days, when one of my daughters and I wash dishes together, it is fun, because they really know that they have a choice, that I won't be annoyed if they turn me down, so no resentment on their part. Very very worth the extra work I had and often still have to do.

—Pam Sorooshian

SandraDodd.com/chores/shift
photo by Janine Davies

Peace and health

"Candy fed with love beats the heck out of broccoli eaten out of fear."

—Schuyler Waynforth

"Ramen in a happy environment is better than four dishes and a dessert in anger and sorrow."

—Sandra Dodd

Turns out it had been said before. See other quotes about eating a dinner of herbs, or a dry crust, or Twinkies and a Red Bull, here:
SandraDodd.com/eating/peace
photo by Janet Rohde Buzit

Purposes and principles

Something that inspired me to choose principles over rules:

We were at my mother-in-law's house and I offered to help with dishes, so she set me to dry, as she washed. The dish towel got so wet it wasn't doing any good, so I asked for a dry one. She said "Just use that one."

I continued to "help," but it was NOT helping. I was just wiping a wet cloth on already-wet dishes, which wasn't drying them at all.

If the principle of helping is to make things better, and if the principle of drying dishes is to wipe them dry, I was twice removed from what I had intended to do.

SandraDodd.com/rulebound
photo by Sandra Dodd
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Dividing is divisive

Collen Prieto wrote:

I was thinking the other day about husbands and chores and how many people I've heard say that it shouldn't be their job to pick up after their husband. I never thought of picking up my husband's things as being my cleaning up after him—I've only thought of it as cleaning our house. Does it matter whose laundry or dishes they are? Does he shovel only his own side of the driveway and leave me to climb snowbanks to get to my side of the car? Dividing things yours-and-mine, even socks, in one's internal thoughts doesn't seem to add much happiness.

—Colleen Prieto

Chores, Serving others as a gift, tales of kids helping out voluntarily
(a chat transcript)
photo by Janine
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"I hope you don't mind"

Dylan isn't twelve anymore; Deb Lewis still writes beautifully.

---

Yesterday was David's birthday and we had guests. I left dishes in the sink when I went to bed. I got up early with the dogs but then went back to bed. When I got up later Dylan had done the dishes.He said "I know you really like to do the dishes mom, so I hope you don't mind, but I just felt like doing them."

Dylan is twelve.

I *know* living life joyfully makes a difference in the way our kids see us and the way they see the little things that make life better.

—Deb Lewis

SandraDodd.com/chores/tales
photo by Janine Davies
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Familiar things

Favorite tools, stored in the same old way, make your home special, and will be part of a child's memories. Love your normal stuff.

SandraDodd.com/dishes
photo by Sandra Dodd of some familiar things at Polly's house

Food and art

Food can be art, and there is art about food.

Some thing are obvious, like cake decoration, or piemaking. But even when you make a sandwich, it can be cut artfully and arranged nicely on a plate. You could use matching dishes, even if you're only feeding one child.

Aesthetics! Look for beauty, and create a bit of it.

SandraDodd.com/foodfun
photo by Jacki, Hannah's mom, long ago
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A peaceful, homey home

One small tip for a peaceful, homey home:

Sometimes when a mom is really frustrated with doing the dishes, it can help to get rid of dishes with bad memories and connections, or put them in storage for a while. Happy, fun dishes with pleasant associations are easier to wash.

SandraDodd.com/dishes
photo by Sandra Dodd
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Slightly new is new

Change one thing: timing, route, store, choices, order, station, dishes... One change affects other perceptions and connections.

Normal or exotic?
photo by Sandra Dodd

Dance around; save the world

by Deb Lewis, once upon a time:

I wrote once before about how dish washing has come to be my mental health moment. I light a candle, I make some tea or pour a glass of wine, turn on some music, take off my shoes, and do just the dishes I want to do. I use dish soap that smells great—LOVE that hot water...sigh. I never start out feeling like I *have to* do *all* the dishes. I think how I want to have clean dishes and do however many I feel like doing. I dance around a little. I plan my garden. I save the world. It's never just about doing dishes.

—Deb Lewis

Feeling "taken advantage of"
mostly-unrelated photo by Deb Lewis
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