Hobbies and games and friendships

Parents who are afraid their unschooled children won't learn enough might have forgotten how little learning actually happens in school. Short-term test-taking "learning" isn't nearly the same as the kind of learning unschooled kids gain from their hobbies and games and friendships. Even though I had read John Holt in college, and studied "the open classroom," I was still pleasantly surprised at how much learning came so easily, to everyone in the family.

SandraDodd.com/reallearning
photo by Cátia Maciel

Be careful with "can't"

About reading:

English has one word that, unfortunately, helps charge this whole subject with emotion and doom. I learned this from an exchange with Marty, when he was four. I wrote it down at the time, and have quoted it a few times since, but I've never connected it with reading until now.

Wed, Jul 28, 1993
The first thing [Marty] said after “good morning” was “Mom, if you count to infinity, is it illegal?”

I explained to him about infinity, with a million plus one and a “gadillion” plus one. He was fine with the explanation, and I said, “Who told you you can’t count to infinity?” He said I did, so I explained the difference in things that are impossible and things that are illegal (have consequences)

"Can't" sounds pretty permanent. We were careful not to say, in our kids' hearing "Marty can't read." We would cheerfully say, "Marty doesn't read yet" (or Kirby, or Holly). With that, every time it was discussed we were clearly indicating that we thought the child WOULD read before long, and it was not a concern. They were certainly learning in many other ways, as anyone close enough to discuss their reading could see!

SandraDodd.com/r/persephonics
photo by Sandra Dodd

Life at home is blooming

A mom named Heather wrote:

Sandra Dodd & Joyce Kurtak Fetteroll, I came to unschooling to provide a better way to learn for my kids. Then I came to radical unschooling because I discovered it was about more than school. Now I'm discovering my hang-ups about food / nutrition / healthy food obsessions / weekend "junk" binges and controlling the groceries in our home and now radically unschooling (and your wisdom!) is helping me to unravel these problems and live wholly in the area of food too! Radical unschooling has SO MUCH been about me discovering issues I didn't even know I had, and life at home is blooming. I can't thank you enough for sharing your knowledge!

—Heather...

SandraDodd.com/change
photo by Sarah S, who took the photo in September 2023, of candy that's available for her kids anytime, and invites us to note there is still Easter candy in there

Maintain and replenish

If you think you haven't done enough for your children lately, do more. The richer and safer your children's environment,the more interesting and open to input and entertainment and encouragement, the more learning will happen, whether you're at home or in the car or on another continent.

Maintain and replenish your children's learning environment.

SandraDodd.com/nest
photo by Sandra Dodd
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Better than worrying...

Virginia Warren wrote:

Worrying feels like *doing something*, maybe because it is so time-consuming and exhausting.

Every moment we spend worrying about if we're doing "enough" is a moment in which we could be doing something to improve our relationships, even if it's nothing more than lifting our own mood.

—Virginia Warren

More here: SandraDodd.com/enough
photo by Chris Cabatic

What he learns

Don't look at what can be learned. Look at what IS learned. If the parents can change their point of view and expectations and understanding well enough, they will see learning all the time.

There's no advantage in looking at what you wish or hope a child will learn. Look at what he learns.

SandraDodd.com/gettingit
photo by Sandra Dodd
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Control, more or less

"Unfortunately most people are convinced that when control fails it's because they didn't control enough."

—Joyce Fetteroll
(original)

SandraDodd.com/control
photo by Roya Dedeaux

Children being themselves

Life will be better for all involved if you don't label your children's intelligence, or processing speed, or likelihood to reverse numbers, or ability to pay attention to something deadly boring. Don't drug your children into being still enough to sit on an assembly line. It has nothing on earth to do with natural learning or unschooling. Neither does "giftedness."

SandraDodd.com/giftedness

The quote is from The Big Book of Unschooling
photo by Gail Higgins

Conscious, continuous and mindful

In a partnership, be conscious, continuous and mindful.

It doesn't really do any good to be their partner once a week. If you're mean four times and nice one time, that's not enough.

Conscious, continuous and mindful.

Partnerships and Teams in the Family.
There's a sound file there. It's a good one.
photo by Sandra Dodd

Discovering resources

Meredith wrote:

Sometimes the money question is about fears of not having enough to make home rich and joyful - can we really afford to unschool? Is it expensive? And the answer is yes and no. It takes a lot of resources, but money is just one kind of resource. Time is another—and a big one. If you don't have time to spend with your kids, then unschooling might not be a good choice. Creativity is a useful resource, especially if you're short on money and/or time - you can get by with less creativity if you have more money, though. Adaptability is one of the most vital resources for unschooling - if you don't adapt well to new circumstances, then all the time, money and creativity in the world won't help if you have a child who can't meet all your expectations.

—Meredith Novak

SandraDodd.com/unschoolingcost
photo by Holly Dodd

Winding down and transitioning

By Meredith, at the end of a longer list of ideas for indoor play for children:

Party games like blind-mans-bluff and pin-the-tail can be played easily at home with one or two kids. Get a book of party games, or look some up on the web.

Wind down by transitioning to something else, rather than just "that's enough". A snack makes a good transition, or switch to video games or a movie.

—Meredith Novak

---

Also, there are newer ideas there, about video games that require indoor physicality. It might be a good page to revisit.

SandraDodd.com/physicality
photo by Kathryn Robles

Seeing enough

Don't assess "enough." Pay attention to your child and don't try to press him to do something he doesn't want to do, and don't try to make him stop doing something while he's still having fun.

See learning as your priority, and you will begin to see it more and more.

Seeing it
photo by Sandra Dodd

A peaceful family

Leah Rose wrote:

Turns out that peace isn't actually the absence of discord. It's the presence of trust, and it arises when every member of the family is able to relax into the experience of feeling seen and valued, into the knowledge that his or her needs matter and will be met as often as possible—not *never* denied, but not denied on a whim or without a thoughtful reason. Turns out a peaceful family isn't one in which there are no conflicts. It's one in which there is a solid enough foundation of trust and connection to allow for conflicts to arise and be resolved without injuring the relationships. It took me a long time to see that.

—Leah Rose

about halfway down SandraDodd.com/rules,
what Leah wrote above has paragraphs before and after.
photo by Roya Dedeaux

Good things swirl

Debbie Regan wrote:

Children prosper when parents are able to provide enough sense of safety, calmness and support, that feelings of peace and joy are close at hand. From there the business of childhood—exploring and learning about the world can progress unimpeded by stress. Stress is a distraction from the natural flow of curiosity, focus, joy, excitement, engagement, creativity, emotional awareness, learning...

The more peace and mindfulness I bring in my home, the more all those good things swirl around.

—Debbie Regan

The quote was in a passing discussion, but you might like this:
Becoming the Parent You Want to Be
photo by Julie D

Simple needs

Joyce Fetteroll, in helping others untangle ideas and prejudices about what children think they "need":

If someone needs three glasses of water a day and only gets two, they'll spend the rest of the day trying to get that third glass. So it will seem to others like this person's constantly thirsty and can never get enough. But if he gets three glasses and can have as many as he wants, he won't seem thirsty at all.

—Joyce Fetteroll

SandraDodd.com/needs
photo by Karen James

In full flow

Waterfalls are made of streams of water, made of drops, of molecules, that were up in clouds a week, a day, or a minute ago.

Confident parenting, in full flow, is made of courage born of successes of big choices and small decisions that were once tentative, and before that you hadn't even considered them.

Enough improvement and ease can cause good options to tumble and flow all around you.

Considering Decisions
photo by Rosie Moon

Physical interactions

I'm not "a hugger." I avoid hugs, because they're not usually comfortable for me. I don't like massages. I'm not the only person who is that way.

I have a granddaughter who doesn't love "touchy" stuff. Luckily for her, I totally understand it.

Some people don't get enough friendly touch in their lives, and what might look aggressive to one person might be fun to another—arm-punching, back-slapping, hand-holding, pushing back and forth while walking, arm-in-arm walking, playing slap games or thumb wrestling—those are all touching, and life can be warmer and better WITH those things than without.

It's good for parents (and grandparents, and friends) to be aware that different people are different ways.


The third paragraph is from SandraDodd.com/social
photo by Cátia Maciel

Reading minds; thinking thoughts

Sometimes I think I know what someone is thinking, or what my cat wants. Sometimes I'm right.

When someone, or my cat, thinks about something I don't know anything about, the eyes, face or posture can't give me any clues, and my guesses are all wrong.

People can think thoughts, but they can't really read minds very well.

Quiet enough to hear
photo by Gail Higgins

Healthier and happier

Not only are our food choices healthier but since I have stopped controlling sleep and chores and T.V. watching and video games our family is healthier and happier. It didn't happen overnight but it's been like this long enough that I can't imagine our lives any other way.

—Gail H.
years ago

That's the end of something longer, at
SandraDodd.com/eating/sweets
"True Tales of Kids Turning Down Sweets"
image by Jen Keefe

Joyous moments

Schuyler Waynforth wrote:

Right now, in front of the television, there are a slew of origami papers and markers and paper dolls and other bits and bobs from Linnaea crafting one or another thing. As I peer closer I can see a bird she made and drawings she's drawn and planes she designed as toys for the kittens. I will probably go over and tidy it up in a little bit, to keep the pieces safer from folks walking around and to make sure that there isn't food for the ants.

It takes only a moment to turn what you describe as rubble into a series of activities, of joyous moments. They are still-lifes waiting to be interpreted. I can see the shadow of her sitting there and doing and making and talking and turning to Simon to show him or running to fly the plane she made in the hallway to see if it would fly well enough to engage whichever kitten it was designed to amuse, or calling to me to come and interpret whichever fold the origami book was describing onto the paper she was folding.

It isn't rubble, it is her life.

—Schuyler Waynforth

The writing was saved and commented on by Renee Cabatic. An exchange between Renee and Schuyler is here:
Life is Good and the amazing Schuyler Waynforth
photo by Cátia Maciel

(I'm sorry not to have a photo of the original origami birds and planes, but I found some other kid-engineering evidence.)