Showing respect quietly

Some people confuse respect and courtesy. Some people confuse nicey-niceness with respect. But real respect changes action and affects decisions.
. . . . Respect can be shown sometimes by being quiet. Sometimes it can be shown by thinking about what someone says and not dismissing it half-heard.
Some problems with respect
photo by Karen James
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Real respect

Some people confuse respect and courtesy. Some people confuse nicey-niceness with respect. But real respect changes action and affects decisions. . . . . Respect can be shown sometimes by being quiet. Sometimes it can be shown by thinking about what someone says and not dismissing it half-heard.

SandraDodd.com/respect/problems
photo by Holly Dodd
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Abundance

Abundance in one person provides benefits for others. A child with all the trust he needs can trust others. A child with all the time he needs can share that time with others. One who has freedom won't begrudge freedom in others.

Most people have never known a kid who has experienced true abundance. Most have never met a child who had been given a full measure of respect, so that the child was respected (already) and full of respect (respectful). It is easy to respect someone who has that respect already, and who has so much that he can spread it around to others.

from "How to Raise a Respected Child"
https://sandradodd.com/respect/dodd

Lovable and respectable

(Warning people away from "unconditional love," I wrote:)

Probably the idea started, in the 1950’s, with Carl Rogers’ phrase “unconditional positive regard.”

If you’re a big fan of “unconditional love,” consider backing it back to “unconditional positive regard” to help clarify and ground you for the real world.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Unconditional_positive_regard

Also, try to respect your male partner if you have one. He’s probably doing some good for you even if it seems like he’s not giving you unconditional love. And the difference between “love” and “respect” is about language anyway. Try to be lovable AND respectable, whether or not you have a partner or an audience, because it makes you a better person. Try to be trustworthy and dependable.

Being a better person will make you a better parent.

“Deserve” is a problem.

The SandraDodd.com/deserve link followed that, but the quote is from a longer post, "Love and Respect," in the archives
photo by Janine Davies

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Note to clarify, years later: I think that in a long-established relationship with any other adult, raising children, that love and respect are intertwined. Biochemically, in more youthful people who are "in love," that has a reality beyond and apart from respect. In the context of the topic from which that was taken, it's clearer.

The Wikipedia article has been amended, in the past few years, to credit Stanley Standal with the concept, and the phrase "positive regard" (for therapists).

Respect

Karen James:    Your kids will learn to respect you    when they come to understand    from experience    what respect feels like to them. Sandra Dodd:    It can't happen all at once,    but without taking the first steps,    and the next,    it will never happen.

SandraDodd.com/respect
photo by Amber Ivey

Only a child?

"Respect" is not a light thing. It's not easy to respect your child, when it's new to you. There will be people encouraging you to see your child as "just a kid," and "only a child." Think of adults you respect, and think of them as ten years old, four years old, two, newborn. They were those people from birth. There was a newborn Mohandas Gandhi; a four-year-old Abraham Lincoln; an eight-year-old Oprah Winfrey; a twelve-year-old Winston Churchill.

SandraDodd.com/respect
photo by Sandra Dodd
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Respect your kids

"Respect your kids. Too many adults DEMAND respect from kids without showing any respect in return. Doesn't work." —Lyle Perry

How to NOT Screw Up your Kids
photo by Karen James

True freedom and snake oil

Freedom should involve a respect for others, and a respect for logic. And a family might not feel they "respect the law," but the laws still do apply to them, no matter how twinkly-eyed they have become in their newfound "freedom."

So if someone is selling you "True Freedom" (or snake oil, or the elixir of the fountain of life), have respect for yourself and your family and take a pass on it.


from page 220 (or 255) of The Big Book of Unschooling
photo by Sandra Dodd (click to enlarge)
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"Snake oil" might not be an internationally-known term, so here's this: Snake oil

Only a child?

"Respect" is not a light thing. It's not easy to respect your child, when it's new to you. There will be people encouraging you to see your child as "just a kid," and "only a child." Think of adults you respect, and think of them as ten years old, four years old, two, newborn. They were those people from birth. There was a newborn Mohandas Gandhi; a four-year-old Abraham Lincoln; an eight-year-old Oprah Winfrey; a twelve-year-old Winston Churchill.

SandraDodd.com/respect
photo by Sandra Dodd
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Respect and acceptance

Respect and acceptance are more important than test scores and "performance." Understanding is more important than recitation.

SandraDodd.com/respect
photo by Sandra Dodd

Respect and admiration

On the topic of learning courtesy and responsibility from video games:

When a more experienced player helps a newer player, that rarely has to do with age. When an adult can take advice and assistance from a kid, or a teen can take advice from a young child, that's an all-new opportunity for humility, respect and courtesy, all three of which are lacking in many lives.

People have long valued the character-building sportsmanship and integrity involved in athletic games. "You never really know a man until you've played golf with him," I've heard. Tennis courts, swimming pools, public greens and sports fields all have rules and traditions.

Multi-player games provide opportunities to practice, improve and use one's interpersonal skills in many ways, with a chance to earn real-world respect and admiration.
from page 55 of The Big Book of Unschooling
photo by Sandra Dodd

Perspective, attitude, emotion

I love my children and think they're really important, and that it is part of my privilege to be their mom and to introduce them to the fun and interesting parts of the world, and I hold them in esteem. They are of higher value to me than other things and other people. That isn't respect they had to earn. But it's emotional and it's attitudinal, and it's relative to me. —Sandra Dodd, in 2010

This and a bit more, near the bottom of a page on respect.
photo by Sandra Dodd (sprouts growing in my kitchen recently)

Listen, honestly

Robyn Coburn wrote:

How do we as parents show that we respect our children, that we are parenting respectfully? One big way is by genuinely listening to them. One way is by being honest with them about our own feelings, and telling the truth about events, or unexaggerated truthful reasons about why things can or cannot occur. —Robyn Coburn

Thoughts on Respect
photo by Cass Kotrba

Honest, attentive and reliable

Quote & reply quote:

Trust is a more useful word. Over time, kids develop a sense of whether or not parents are trustworthy sources of information and assistance." —Meredith Meredith "Good point. And very often, parents 'demand respect' without any idea that they need to earn it. For a child to trust a parent, the parent needs to be worthy of trust—trustworthy. Trustable. Then after many years of being honest and attentive and reliable, the children will respect them. Because they're respectable." —Sandra Dodd

The originals are here, a few comments down, in a brief, good discussion on facebook. De Flowers saved and shared the part above in 2014.
photo by Tessa Onderwater

Trust and respect

I hope you find some unschoolers you can trust and respect to help you through the rough spots if you have any, and to share your joys and successes. I know that some of you will become trusted and respected helpers for future unschoolers.

Thank you for the honesty and clarity you might bring to the lives of others now and in years to come.

The Big Book of Unschooling, page 242 (or 282),
which links to SandraDodd.com/integrity

photo by Holly Dodd

Listen, advise, love, laugh

Marina DeLuca-Howard wrote, regarding a teenager:

In the past when someone with a younger child in tow has asked for "the secret" to all this respect I seem to receive I notice they can't *hear* the answer. I gave a lot of respect, choices and did a lot of trusting. I didn't ignore him. I was the resource. I listened, advised, and loved and laughed and supported.

—Marina DeLuca-Howard

A teen boy out with his mom—what's "the secret"?
photo by Tara Joe Farrell
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Trust and respect

Trust and respect go together. Someone who is trustworthy will be respected.

SandraDodd.com/trust
photo by Julie D.

Love and respect

"Start with love and respect and all the good things follow—it is not magic, and it is a lot of hard work especially at the beginning."

—Marina DeLuca-Howard

(one day on Always Learning)
photo by Chrissy Florence
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Who will your children follow?

If parents set a good example, it's easier for kids to learn. It's good for the relationship.

If parents set a bad example, children can still learn better habits, but they might learn by deciding NOT to be like the parent, but rather to be like another adult they respect more. It might be a karate teacher, or a friend's parent. That is NOT good for the relationship, and can affect the parent/child relations for decades.

The above was written in a longer discussion, where I didn't mention that the children might not learn better habits, but might settle for behaving as badly as the parents.

Be the way you hope your children will be.

Similar, but without the quote above:
Thoughts on Respect, by Robyn Coburn
photo by Rippy Dusseldorp

Connections, respect and learning

Kristiva once wrote:

I was very prejudiced and fearful when my son (12) first started spending lots of time playing (FPS) games on the xbox and minecraft on the computer. Long story short, I realized that everytime I rejected his interests I was missing an opportunity to connect with him. And connection became my priority. Even before I understood anything about video games besides my shallow observations and judgements. As soon as I shifted to respect, a whole new world opened for me. I also learned some amazing things about my son.

—Kristiva Stack

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Nicole Richard wrote, of photos she sent:

I love this. Estrella built a block tower and the boys honored it in Minecraft."

  
Embracing Minecraft
photos (links to larger images) by Nicole Richard, of her children's art
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