It's time to pay attention to your child.

Don't be the clock's mother. Don't watch the clock to see if it's time to eat.

Watch your child.
. . . .Clocks are great for meeting people at a certain time, but they were never intended to be an oracle by which mothers would decide whether to pay attention to a child or not. Your child knows whether he's hungry. You don't. The clock doesn't either, never did, and never will.

The Big Book of Unschooling, page 163

SandraDodd.com/eating/peace
photo by Sandra Dodd
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Peace and love and health

Things get done, and there's no benefit to stressing out. If dinner's going to be late, a late dinner after some calm sweet mom-time is going to taste WAY, way better than a late dinner after an hour of mom-screech and accusations and whining and crying (regardless of who's making the noise). Be as sweet and as peaceful as you can be. It will make a difference to you and to the kids and your husband and your dog (rat, cat, horse, neighbors).

Whatever negativity is put into the house affects everyone.
Whatever peace and smiles are put into the house affect people too.

So you can take an hour to make dinner, and that hour might not start until 7:00, or you can take two or three crazy hours to make dinner, and the dinner won't be any better.

Ramen in a happy environment is better than four dishes and a dessert in anger and sorrow.

original; Sandra Dodd, 2006

Advantages of Eating in Peace
SandraDodd.com/eating/peace
photo by Sandra Dodd

Peace RIGHT NOW

Here is how to make yourself a safer, more peaceful person, before you even finish reading this post:

Just let your breath out, and don't breath back in right away. Empty out.
You can't talk without any air in you.

That will seem like five seconds, if you're full of adrenaline. But it will be one second or less.


Then your body will naturally fill back up, whether you want it to or not.

And the breath you breathe in will be all new oxygen. Not that dirty used adrenaline cloud you had built up before that. It might not totally dissipate in one breath; it might take three.

Hold it in. Top it off. Hold it. Let it out slowly—all the way out. Huff out the rest. Hold it out. Breathe in slowly...

There are a lot of people in prison for life who wouldn't be if they had known they could let all their breath out, breath back in, hold it.

And there are parents who swat their kids, or yell at them, or tell them something the kid might remember for life, when they could have breathed out, huffed out the rest, breathed in a deep breath.

Deep breaths will probably help. You don't have to do it formally, and nobody even needs to know you're doing it.

Quotes and paraphrases lifted from SandraDodd.com/chats/breathing
photo by Sandra Dodd, of one part of Norwich Cathedral, from one angle, one moment

Noisy peace

There is a phrase you should break up, in your head: "peace and quiet." Sometimes things seem chaotic that aren't. Sometimes peace can be noisy. Those toys in the photo were making zero noise.

SandraDodd.com/peace/noisy
photo by Sandra Dodd
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Nearly ten years of this

When I started Just Add Light and Stir, I didn't think "And I'll still be doing this in ten years!" In two days, September 2, year 11 begins. I suppose there's a possibility I'll still be doing it for another ten. 🙂

The past six months have been awkward and unsettling. After years and years of others looking askance at unschooling, though, and asking questions like "Don't you get tired of being together so much?" and "How can they learn without a lot of other kids around?" then all this happened. ALL the families were sent home to stay and learn.

Unforeseen benefits of unschooling are fun to collect, but I did not see this one coming. Unschoolers seemed to find that the transition from choosing to stay home to being told to stay home a while wasn't very difficult. Others, used to recitations about the crucial importance of school, of being around other people, and of scattering out every day, didn't slip as smoothly into being home.

Thank you for reading here, and for being examples others might be comforted or inspired by. Calm and peace are valuable resources.

This is my quieter-than-usual annual request for financial assistance. The main page of SandraDodd.com has a donation link at the bottom, but ignore this if you're not flush and comfortable these days. If money is short, put it toward your children's ease and stability.

photo by Jo Fielding

Keep the peace

How NOT to watch movies:

Don't be cynical and critical and dismissive. Find the good acting, the good sets, the good props. Don't say "OH BROTHER." If there's a movie you really don't like, don't watch it with your kids.


This link has a new list. While I was in there editing,
I saw the note above, by me, from 2010.
Movies for Unschoolers
photo by Janine
(not of a movie; sorry)
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Just enough peace

Can there be too much peace? For learning, yes. Learning requires mental arousal. If an environment is so still and barren that one's curiosity isn't sparked, then people might be closer to a state of sleep than of excited curiosity. Life can be too dull and quiet for learning to spontaneously happen.

Can there be too little peace? Yes, and in many ways. There can be too much noise, stimulation and chaos. So finding the balance place and the comfort level is part of creating a peaceful home.

SandraDodd.com/peace/noisy
photo by Andrea Justice
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Comforts

Being comfortable is part of being at peace. Perhaps they are the same thing.


Learning can't happen well without peace, so provide the elements of a peaceful life as often as you can, in all sorts of ways. Become comfortable with peace.

SandraDodd.com/peace
photo by Jessica Sexton
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Too much peace?

Can there be too much peace? For learning, yes. Learning requires mental arousal. If an environment is so still and barren that one's curiosity isn't sparked, then people might be closer to a state of sleep than of excited curiosity. Life can be too dull and quiet for learning to spontaneously happen.

Can there be too little peace? Yes, and in many ways. There can be too much noise, stimulation and chaos. So finding the balance place and the comfort level is part of creating a peaceful home.

SandraDodd.com/peace/noisy
photo by Sandra Dodd
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Looking at whole lives

People live all over the world, and each life is different. Some people have horses, while others don't. Some can see the ocean every day; some never will. Some know all about snow, and others can't really imagine it.

We don't know in advance how lives will flow and grow, even while we're living in that flow.

Looking too closely for too long can bring frustration. "We had a meal today without vegetables, Oh NO!" or "This toddler didn't nap, and so Oh NO!" Look back at those in a week or a year, or in thirty years, and the diet will have averaged out, and the toddler will have slept.

Looking at details is good, but once in a while, take a long view of the lives of your grandparents, neighbors, friends, even maybe fictional characters. Sometimes the details dissolve into history, or are fleeting, or can be smiled away.

Find peace and hope in everyday ways.

Perspective
photo by Cathy Koetsier

Priorities among principles

In response to an inquiry about priorities among principles, and whether learning should come before safety, peace, kindness or a strong marriage:

For me, safety is big.

Peace doesn't conflict with learning; it aids it.

Kindness doesn't conflict with learning; it bolsters it.

Learning, peace and kindness make marriages better.

SandraDodd.com/priorities
photo by Karen James

Looking, reading and logic

To say peace doesn't need quiet doesn't mean that all noise is peace. Quite a bit of understanding unschooling is looking at all your thoughts, and the things you read, with as much logic as you can gather up.

SandraDodd.com/peace/noisy
photo by Janine Davies

Safety and peace

Brie Jontry wrote:

There's the misguided idea sometimes that unschooling means hands-off, but it doesn't. You, as the adult, need to make sure everyone is safe, and that there's as much peace as possible. Leaving kids to work through problems on their own isn't partnership and it doesn't strengthen relationships. Your kids need you to help them sort through problems.

—Brie Jontry

SandraDodd.com/social
photo by Cátia Maciel

Invest in your future grandchildren

Every negative word, thought or deed takes peace and positivity out of your account. Cynicism, sarcasm—which some people enjoy and defend—are costly, if your goal is peace.

Biochemically / emotionally (those two are separate in language, but physically they are the same), calmer is healthier. I don't know of any physical condition that is made better by freaking out or crying hard or losing sleep or reciting fears. I know LOTS of things that are made better—entire lives, and lives of grandchildren not yet born—by thoughtful, mindful clarity.

It's okay for mothers to be calm. There are plenty of childless people to flip out. Peek out every few days, from your calm place, and check whether their ranting freak-out is making the world a more peaceful place. If not, be grateful you weren't out there ignoring (or frightening) your children helping them fail to create peace from chaos.

A message to your grandchildren
photo by Jo Isaac

Distance and perspective

If people learn to use "learn" instead of "teach," it helps them move to another angle, to see things through a different lens.

Some people see experienced unschoolers ("experienced" meaning in this context people who have done it well and effortlessly for years, who aren't afraid anymore, who have seen inspiring results) mention classes, and they think "Ah, well if the experienced unschoolers' kids take classes, then classes are good/necessary/no problem."

But if beginners don't go through a phase in which they REALLY focus on seeing learning outside of academic formalities, they will not be able to see around academics. If you turn away from the academics and truly, really, calmly and fully believe that there is a world that doesn't revolve around or even require or even benefit from academic traditions, *then* after a while you can see academics (research into education, or classes, or college) from another perspective.

SandraDodd.com/peace/newview
photo by Heather Booth
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Adults, not children

Don't worry about them. Delete "socialization" from your vocabulary. Give your kids so much love and self-confidence that peer pressure will mean nothing to them. They will be pressure-proof.

You want to aim toward a happy, balanced, confident adult, not "a successful third grader." You're raising adults, not children. You're keeping them warm and alive and happy until they become adults, because they will, with or without you in the picture. We have the power to screw them up to the point of life-scarring, or to just give them some room and peace and security to grow well in. We can't very well make them be what they aren't.

SandraDodd.com/friend
photo by Sandra Dodd, of Kerrin Koetsier
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Peace and Joy

Life isn't all peace and joy. Many people will say that, and it's true.

With hopeful, positive intentions and with ever more mindful choices, there can be more peace, and more joy.

Being a Happy Mom

photo by Lydia Koltai

A little peace

It doesn't take much to create a little peace, and then some more.

SandraDodd.com/peace/
photo by Ester Siroky

Peace and quiet

Inventory your own tools. What do you already know that can make you a more peaceful parent? What tricks and skills can you bring into your relationships with members of your family?
. . . .

As you move toward peace, remember you can't have all of anything in one move. Each thought or action can move you nearer, though (or further).

SandraDodd.com/peace/noisy
photo by Holly Dodd
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Fears

New unschoolers are often afraid. They're afraid to keep doing what they're doing; they're afraid to change. Sometimes to calm someone I have said "It's not like moving to Mars. You will still live in the same house. You'll still be sitting in that same chair."

Something that allayed my fears when I had babies still works years later. When I'm fearful or worried, it helps to smell the top of my child's head. If you find a natural opportunity to hold or hug or bend over your child, inhale the scent of his head, slowly. Don't worry if it's an unbathed eleven year old. Just do it with love and gratitude, and you might find yourself in that moment, touching your child gently, remembering who you are and where you are.



I don't have a page on fears. This one mentions the benefit of smelling a child's head, though: SandraDodd.com/peace/noisy

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2020 update:
Ten years have passed since I said I didn't have a page on fears. There are four, now, and all created to help people step past and rise above their fears.
Overcoming Fear / SandraDodd.com/fear will lead to the others.