Stories, music, light and movement

a mom named Lisa wrote:

There is plenty of value in TV/movies. It's as much of a dream world for kids as books (if not more). I know it can be frustrating when it's all new to you... I can't tell you how many times I wondered if I wasn't doing something horrible by letting my children watch as much TV as they wanted. I was sure it would backfire and that it would make my kids passive.

They're still lovely and beautiful and full of life....driven from the inside instead of following my lead so much.

Relax and enjoy the wonder of your child. 🙂

—Lisa

That's the end of something sweet, and longer, at SandraDodd.com/t/whatif

photos by Rosie Moon (stained glass)
and Kelly Halldorson (wood stove)

I brought these pictures to a TV post for being older versions of moving-light images. They are associated with stories, and with music, too. Television and film are related, culturally and historically.

Real learning is bigger

Pam Sorooshian wrote:

The idea that learning to read is learning to sound out or recognize words, that learning to write is learning to draw the letters correctly, that learning math is learning to carry out algorithms by rote—such ridiculously low goals. As if that is what kids are capable of. Those are not real reading, writing, or math.

—Pam Sorooshian

What Teaching Can Never Be (chat transcript)
photo by Cátia Maciel

Learning for fun

School and school-at-home sometimes teach people not to learn, or at least not to learn anything for fun without direction because "it won't count." I think everything counts. I think everything can be fun. When I say "I think," I very often mean "I am absolutely convinced after years of careful consideration and observation with no evidence to the contrary, and my original idea became a theory which has become a conviction."

SandraDodd.com/interview
photo by Rosie Moon

Not following a script

Sandra Dodd to Pam Sorooshian, in a sort of group interview:

You've been communicating closely with all kinds of homeschoolers, not just unschoolers, for a long time now. Thinking back to the best of them and the families in which things were strong and good, what traits in the parents or families do you think helped most?

Pam Sorooshian:

Hmmm - the best of them.... I think it is that they aren't treating their kids the way they think they are "supposed to," but are looking clear-eyed at their own real children and treating them as the individuals they are. I mean - they aren't following a script. They are authentic. They don't punish a kid because they have some idea that "kids need to be punished" - they think about what their own real standing-in-front-of-them kid is probably feeling and thinking and they respond to that reality. How many times have we seen a parent yell or be harsh with a kid that was already upset? Without regard to what was upsetting them.

Parents who get really in touch with their kids - who let themselves think what their kids are thinking - who aren't afraid to imagine what their kids are REALLY feeling and thinking...... those are the good ones.

Sometimes I'm amazed at what parents tell themselves that their own kids are thinking or feeling. The really awful ones make all kinds of terrible assumptions about kids' intentions.

—Pam Sorooshian
2009

Chat with Pam Sorooshian
photo by Cátia Maciel

Avoiding rebellion

For those who started a decade or so before the teen years, who conscientiously treated their children with respect and consideration, who gave them choices of all sizes and helped them figure out how to get along well and happily in the world, rebellion does not come.

SandraDodd.com/respect/
photo by Sandra Dodd, of volunteer golden columbine flowers we nurtured and appreciated, but did not create or "manage"

Respect makes sense

Joyce wrote::

When kids feel respected, when they've experienced a life time of their desires being respected and supported to find safe, respectful, doable ways to get what they want, kids won't push the envelope into craziness. That behavior just doesn't make sense to them.

Kids who've been controlled focus on pushing against that control, sometimes focus on the hurt of not being accepted for who they are, and do things just because they're not supposed to.

— Joyce Fetteroll

SandraDodd.com/partners/child
photo by Caren Knox

Another benefit of unschooling

Sandra Dodd, 15 November 2017

Grateful for not having needed to help kids with homework all those years.

Jen Keefe

We were out to dinner last night and the family seated behind us were trying to collectively complete the older daughter's algebra homework. It seemed stressful, but the dad was trying to make it better by ordering bottomless rootbeer floats and fries (which I thought was so nice). Still, I looked at my husband and said "November gratitude: no homework!"

Sandra Kardaras-Flick

Until now, I hadn’t considered the whole homework thing. Wow, something else to be grateful for. So cool!

SandraDodd.com/homework
Art by Dave Coverly
Speedbump.com

They will do it

Q: How will you know if they can read?

How did you know they could ride a bike?
How do parents know when a baby can walk? Talk?

MANY families' reading stories,
and gathered stats by Jo Isaac, PhD

Quote from SandraDodd.com/faq
photo by Michelle Tovaas Huelle

Parents know...because

Q: How will you know if they're learning?

A: Teachers need to measure and document because they need to show progress so they can get paid, and keep their jobs. They test and measure because they don't always know each child well.

Parents know a child is learning because they're seeing and discussing and doing things together every day. Not five days a week, or most of the year, but all of the days of their whole lives.

SandraDodd.com/faq
photo by Sarah Lawson

Focus on others

Joyce Fetteroll wrote:

Wanting your family to be happy, joyful and learning seems a perfectly fine goal! But you won't get there by focusing on what you want. You'll get there by focusing on what they want.

What are your kids interested in? What do they want? How can you support that?

—Joyce Fetteroll

SandraDodd.com/deschooling has a bit more of that, near the bottom
photo by Sandra Dodd

What if....

What if.... you dig a hole in your back yard? What if you leave laundry in the washing machine? What if you think dangerous thoughts?

What if you keep your child home from school for one year?
What if you keep him home longer?

What if you create such a rich life that not only is your child learning, but so are the parents? So are visitors to your house?

What if you click the link below, and read more about all of that?

SandraDodd.com/whatif
photo by Karen James

Happiness, harmony and joy

Nicole Kenyon wrote:

When I first talked to Jo Isaac I was like "that sounds nuts" but some of the things she said made me realise that my perception or ideas were copied and not mine. It made me stop and look at things from different angles.

I changed, became softer and let go of a belief system that wasn't mine while observing my son and our family. Are we happy? Do we live in harmony? What can I do to bring more joy?

—Nicole Kenyon

Not so crazy after all
SandraDodd.com/crazy
photo by Nicole Kenyon

Atmosphere and attitude

Joyce Fetteroll, in an interview:

"A rich environment" is everything, not just what’s in the house, but the stuff that families do outside the house, the opportunities available, and the parents’ own attitude. It’s the parents’ attitude that creates the atmosphere, the attitude toward curiosity, play, and towards the kids. A rich environment lets kids explore their interests while also swirling opportunities through their lives to discover new interests.

—Joyce Fetteroll

---

That is the middle of five paragraphs, in which Joyce describes unschooling. I've saved it at "What is Unschooling?" (linked below).

SandraDodd.com/definitions
photo by Holly Dodd

A little trust, one step

Someone had written, of unschooling:

It sounds like it takes an enormous amount of trust in everything to allow this process to happen.

I responded:

It takes a little trust, and desire, and willingness, to take one step. It gets easier as you go. No one can take all of the steps at once.

---

No one can, or should, have trust in everything. Try things out. Think carefully, and observe directly. Practice!

Read a little, try a little, wait a while, watch.
photo by Sarah Dickinson

How to be

Deb Lewis wrote:

Unschooling works well when parents are interesting, positive, thoughtful, considerate, generous, passionate, honest, respectful individuals.

—Deb Lewis

SandraDodd.com/nest
photo by Sandra Dodd, of some cows just being

Fun (learning opportunity)

A homeschooler wrote and asked how I fit learning opportunities into our lives. At first I had that feeling that I didn't understand the question, and then I thought of it another way. Can I describe how our lives are lived so that learning happens so effortlessly? I can try, and the first answer is simple. We just have fun.

What Marty Really Needed
SandraDodd.com/martymap
photo by Cátia Maciel

Powerful trust

Jenny Cyphers wrote:

The striking difference for me, and the real beauty of unschooling compared to school at home and school is the fact that my kids trust themselves.

They trust themselves to know how and what to do. They trust themselves to do what is best for them. This is largely due to the fact that they are trusted. That trust gives them power over their own beings and the decisions they make.

—JennyCyphers

Sparkly Unschooling
photo by Roya Dedeaux

On a busy day

How might a parent act on a really busy day?

If the mom learns and then demonstrates that giving can make a person feel happy, *then* she might have children who are also generous and kind. If the mom acts pouty and whiney and martyrly, she will have children who are confused and needy and resentful.

Being a Happy Mom
photo by Sandra Dodd

Who's asking, and why?

When questions come up about what to say to others who ask about what we're doing with our children, the answer is going to depend on who's asking and why. No one has an obligation to give a long defense of homeschooling to strangers in planes or elevators. Short answers can be the greatest. But because questions are phrased differently different times, and the relationships between the people vary, I'm going to provide several responses collected over the years. It might help to read them and adopt the best parts for your own purposes.

Sometimes it's a stranger, and sometimes it's a structured homeschoolers wanting to know why you're not using a curriculum.

Here is the collection of people's ideas:
SandraDodd.com/response
photo by Cathy Koetsier

Gently and peacefully helpful

Everyone who helps others unschool or to live peacefully with their children is contributing more to the peace of the world than anyone who is sorting through fine print to try to boycott a company as a punishment for something someone did, or didn't do, years ago, while their children are saying, "Please, mom, please?"

Those who help others live more gently and peacefully help more (here and anywhere) than those who are collecting up political causes and posting about their indignation.

SandraDodd.com/politics
photo by Manisha K.

(see also: Toy Guns / SandraDodd.com/peace/guns)

Keep it clean

Unschooling works best in a peaceful nest.

from a page on how much, if any, political angst/indignation a parent should collect and share—part of my response to a question, but there are others there:

If the parent can't solve the problem, it doesn't seem productive to me for "the problem" to be brought into the unschooling nest, as it were. Because negative emotions (fear, guilt, sorrow, helplessness) can prevent or hamper learning. Unschooling works best in an atmosphere of contentment and hopefulness.

There are thousands of sad stories and unfair situations, and botched court cases, and accidental deaths, and suicides and thefts and dognappings in the world every year. How many should you share with your children? I vote zero.

SandraDodd.com/politics
photo by Mary Lewis

Decisions

Think about what you think you "have to" do.

Choose to do something good, for sensible reasons.

SandraDodd.com/decisions
photo by Sandra Dodd

---

I'm glad that truck was left there to rust. They could have "sensibly" taken it to a dump or a scrapyard, but it's not hurting anything, sitting out in West Texas for people to admire.

Seasons, days and moments

Most things are temporary. Appreciate beauty, artistry, whimsy, and the seasons.

Things and people and memories will age and fade. Enjoy your seasons, and days, and moments.

SandraDodd.com/impermanence
photo by Holly Dodd

Light art (and spooky)

For young children, costumes and decorations can make them feel powerful, or beautiful, and a little afraid—in a fun way, if the adults and older kids help keep that fairly balanced.

I have candy to hand out when the time comes. We have some decorations. I have a lifetime of memories of trick-or-treating when I was little, seeing or being a little way into houses I might never be in again, getting candy and treats from strangers—some of them dressed up, too, and smiling at me.

I have memories of taking my own young children door-to-door, and of driving them to a special place or two beyond walking distance some years.

Young families will be welcome here this year, and older kids and teens, too.

Airy and bright
photo by Janine Davies

Less methodical

If there is a method to unschooling it's certainly not a simple one. It involves changing one's stance and viewpoint on just about everything concerning children and learning. That's not "a method." That's a life change.

The first time I used this quote, in 2011,
Karen James responded:

It really is a life change, that keeps changing and evolving. Actually, I find, the less methodical I am, the more fluent the learning and living become.

SandraDodd.com/unschool/definition
photo of "the rock house", from Sandia Tram, by Sandra Dodd
(The rock layers really are at that angle,
at the top of the Sandia Mountains.)

Immersion

Robin Bentley wrote:

Seeing kids immerse themselves and being okay with their immersion can be enlightening for a parent!

—Robin
(original)

SandraDodd.com/focus
photo by Rosie Moon

Unique and interesting

Learning to respect that people are different makes us better people.

Assuming a child will (if you don't screw him all up) grow into a unique and interesting person with a lifetime of connections is a cornerstone of really successful unschooling.

Focus, Hobbies, Obsessions (chat transcript)
https://sandradodd.com/chats/bigbook/page186-191_focusHobbie.html

photo by Roya Dedeaux

"We’ll see how things go."

Laurie Wolfrum, the beginning of a presentation, and the end of the handout for it:

Sometimes parents, relatives, friends (even strangers!) may not agree with homeschooling, unschooling, how we choose to parent or meet our children’s needs.

How do we do what we feel is best for our families when others, especially those we love and care about, share their criticisms and well-meaning advice?
. . . .
Some phrases to keep in mind:

Periodically we evaluate how things are going.
Nothing is written in stone.
For now, this works for us.
We’ll see how things go.

—Laurie Wolfrum

"Pass the Bean Dip"
SandraDodd.com/beandip
photo by Cathy Koetsier

Together, happily

Amy Kidwell wrote:

I had always wanted to learn to live in the moment, but it seemed a great mystery. Having my daughter and becoming an unschooler, I finally get it! Most days, anyway... I'm not worried about the future, or fussing over the past. We are living together, happily, every day. What a nice way to be."

—Amy Kidwell

SandraDodd.com/feedback
photo by Sandra Dodd

Don't trivialize "trivia"

What is trivia? For school kids, trivia is (by definition) a waste of time. It’s something that will not be on the test. It’s “extra” stuff. For unschoolers, though, in the wide new world in which EVERYTHING counts, there can be no trivia in that sense.

SandraDodd.com/trivia
photo by Tara Joe Farrell,
in Cerillos, New Mexico

We really like it.

Paula L, in a brainstorming discussion about jobs:

And the list didn't mention cleaning and organizing businesses! My husband and I started our business, Simple Solutions, 16 months ago. You can do very well financially if you want to push the hours and even maybe hire employees. Right now we work a combined total of 40 hours a week—we take turns working so one of us is with Andy. We have no desire to make this a big venture. It's just the two of us. We will be raising our rate soon. We are not rich, but we are getting by just fine, better than ever before. And we have virtually NO overhead expenses, which is awesome. We're even getting a pretty good tax return.

Best of all, we really like it. 🙂

—Paula L

Stories about Jobs
photo by Karen James, of her workspace,
new wallpaint, her own organization

One tricky moment

Deb wrote:

If we recognize a difficult moment as one tricky moment in a day of potential great moments we're more likely to have a better attitude all day long.

—Deb Lewis

SandraDodd.com/mistakes
photo by Irene Adams

Hold on

Kelli Traaseth wrote:

Hold onto each day, know how quickly they pass. Kiss those tiny heads of toddlers and babies; smell their heads, as my friend Sandra says. Before you know it, they'll be playing a game together and you won't even need to explain the rules to them. In fact you'll have a hard time comprehending the game.

Time... must you keep marching on? by Kelli Traaseth
photo by Sandra Dodd

Don't make it weird.

For unschooling to work in that solid, twelve-or-twenty-year way, it should be about kids, and learning, and relationships and peace, not about being weird for the sake of weird, or being anti-government.

SandraDodd.com/nest
photo by Cass Kotrba

Principles, rules, and coaching

Sandra Dodd:

Principles produce all kinds of answers where rules fail.

Alex Polikowsky:

Some people come to unschooling and in the beginning of their journey they ditch rules but try to replace them with unschooling "rules". Replace them with principles.

When you do, most of your questions and doubts will no longer be there.

Michele James-Parham:

Another common "unschooling rule" or frame of mind due to misinterpretation: We're unschoolers and don't have rules, so we don't have to follow your rules (in-laws, restaurant, museum, etc.).

Just because you allow jumping on your couch at home, doesn't mean that Grandma has to allow jumping on her couch or that the museum has to allow jumping on its couch in the lobby.

SandraDodd.com/coaching
photo by Belinda Dutch

Deciding what's good

People can say "no judgment" but people cannot think without making judgments. People can't make any choices without deciding moment to moment what's good, what's better, what's a bad choice.

SandraDodd.com/judgment
photo by Colleen Prieto

The Past, the Future and Now

If you're living in the past, that's a problem for now.

If you're living in the future too much—
       in the future that you're imagining,
       in the future that you're predicting,
       in the future that you would like to imagine you can control,
       in the future that you'd like to imagine you can even imagine,
              that's a problem.

So it's good to aim for living in the moment in a whole way—your whole self, not separated from your past or your future, but also not really over-focussed on it.

If you bank on the future, literally, that's a good idea. Savings is a good idea. I'm not saying not to have life insurance or things like that—that's great. But banking on it figuratively can be a big problem.

SandraDodd.com/listen/london2011
(at 10:15 in the sound file)
photo by Sandra Dodd of layers of ice that formed in buckets of collected rainwater in which hulls of bird seed had fallen, pulled out of the buckets, for fun

When to say no

Sandra Dodd, response in 2000 to: Can anyone explain to me "unschooling"?

It's like "just say no."

Just say no to school years and school schedules and school expectations, school habits and fears and terminology. Just say no to separating the world into important and unimportant things, into separating knowledge into math, science, history and language arts, with music, art and "PE" set in their less important little places.

Most of unschooling has to happen inside the parents. They need to spend some time sorting out what is real from what is construct, and what occurs in nature from what only occurs in school (and then in the minds of those who were told school was real life, school was a kid's fulltime job, school was more important than anything, school would keep them from being ignorant, school would make them happy and rich and right).

It's what happens after all that school stuff is banished from your life.

Several Definitions of Unschooling
photo by Rosie Moon

Teaching is a problem.

"Teaching" is a problem, in an unschooling light. Learning is the goal, and teaching gets in the way.

SandraDodd.com/teaching
photo by Leon McNeill, of Holly Dodd looking at the original Bayeux Tapestry,
in France in 2005

Instead of schoolish ideas...

Rebeccas Justus, when she was new to unschooling, created an inspired and inspiring list of the differences between schoolishness and unschooling. There are two dozen sets. Here are a few to make your day lighter:

---

instead of "Instill knowledge" :

Trust that learning is natural; trust that children are interested in life

instead of "Follow a schedule" :

Flow with the moment, with the inspiration

instead of "Memorize facts" :

Understand stories

SandraDodd.com/unschool/difference
photo by Jo Isaac

A bond of inquiry

A mom named Sandy:

To most children or people it is apparent and that is only one of MANY examples of simple things that he questions.

A mom named Sandra:

If it wasn't apparent to him, so what? He asked you a question that had a simple answer. If you expect him to be other than who he is, or if you withhold simple answers, he'll learn to stop asking you. Not good.

Questions are gloriously good for unschooling. And it's possible that he understands some situations better than you do and his questions are deeper than you think they are. Try asking him a question in return. Give a simple answer and then ask a question to help him clarify what he really wants to know. It will help both of you learn to think analytically, and create a bond of inquiry and shared experience between you.

Same old link as yesterday
a good, short discussion in which the original poster untangles and rethinks
photo by Nicole Kenyon