Your own clear understanding

Pam Sorooshian wrote:

Unschooling happily and successfully requires clear thinking. I don't think it works as well when people just look at those with young adult kids who are happy and successful and try to copy them without doing the hard thinking and building their own clear understanding of unschooling. When they try to emulate, they are still following rules - unschooling rules. Unschoolers always say yes to everything. Unschoolers never make their kids do anything. Kids always decide everything for themselves. And so on. But those "rules" are not unschooling. Unschooling well requires understanding the underlying philosophy of how children learn, and the principles that guide us in our everyday lives arise from that philosophy. It isn't some new kind of parenting technique that can be observed and applied without understanding.

—Pam Sorooshian

SandraDodd.com/understanding
photo by Belinda Dutch
__

Integrity

Live your life in such a way that you're not ashamed if someone quotes what you said, or tells something you did.



SandraDodd.com/integrity
photo by Karen James
__

Considerations and credit

Consider ideas. If something makes sense, good. Use the idea. Remember where you got it. Be honest.

Growth is good
photo by Pushpa Ramachandran

A progression

Sylvia Woodman wrote:

One of the great gifts of reading in unschooling groups was learning to change my perspective. To stop writing off entire days. To recognize bad moments for what they were—just moments. Moments pass MUCH quicker than entire days.

I learned the value of taking a breath and making a better choice. Wouldn't you know it, our days became better, sweeter, more fun-filled.

Did I continue to mess up? Sure, but it got to be less and less. I was growing and learning right alongside my kids. I was learning to be a better parent to my unique kids.

The things I learned rippled out across my life. I became a better daughter, partner, sister, friend. Unschooling helped me become a better human.

—Sylvia Woodman

SandraDodd.com/moment
photo by Janine Davies
__

Sidetracked

Sometimes I think of things I wish I had done or said, or I wish I had been more attentive or patient and sometimes I see in that very moment that I'm sitting there thinking about myself instead of getting up and going and being with my husband or kids. It's weird, and people who come to it new think "martyrdom!?" or self sacrifice, but it's not that. It's investment.

Investing in relationships
photo by Sandra Dodd
__

Experiences

For good or ill, your experiences create you, change you, become part of you.

If a child will be molded or affected by his experiences, then unschooling parents need to provide great experiences. NEW experiences Repeat experiences. Surprising experiences. Comforting experiences.

SandraDodd.com/flow
photo by Sandra Dodd

Listening to your body

If food tastes like you should not eat it, don't eat it. If one bite makes you full, don't eat two. If one of your children balks at certain food, don't press him to eat it. Listen to your body's clear signals. If you get hungry, you'll FEEL hungry, and you might even know exactly what you would like to/should/can best eat, if you relax and pay attention. SandraDodd.com/instinct
photo by Jen Keefe
__

Hooks to hang ideas on

You have to know a lot to learn more, and if you know nothing, you can't learn anything.

SandraDodd.com/connections
photo by Dawn Todd
___

Choose to choose.

Once someone complained making choices was too hard. I wrote:

Making a choice is a matter of choice and just doing it.I don't think it requires willpower to realize that a person can make a choice.

Think of two choices. Choose the best one.

Next time think of two choices (maybe the choice from the time before and a better one). Choose the best one.

If you do that several times a day, soon you'll be doing it countless times a day.

---

Make choices. Make choices that move you toward being more at peace with your child.

"Getting irritated," Always Learning, 2007
photo by Jill Parmer
__

More valuable and less expensive

Becoming the sort of person you hope your child will be, or that your child will respect, is more valuable than years of therapy. And it’s cheaper.

SandraDodd.com/becoming

(source of quote)
photo by Gail Higgins
___

Seeing in an unschooling light

Before you can see anything in an unschooling light, you must have an unschooling light to see by.

from an Always Learning post, 29 Jan 2016
photo by Karen James

Be thoughtful.

Be careful what you get excited about or fearful of. Be thoughtful. Read a little. Try a little. Wait a while. Watch. Not just about unschooling.



Generous, thoughtful, considerate

[the quote is from here]
photo by Gail Higgins

The kinder thing, the better thing

The best problem-solving skills I can suggest are to live by principles and to base each tiny decision on those principles.

Living by Principles

Do the more peaceful thing, the more learning-oriented thing, the more relationship-building thing, the kinder thing, the thing you wish someone had done for you when you were that age. If you don't think of two options before you act, you haven't made a decision at all.

Make the Better Choice
photo by Sarah Elizabeth
__

Actually doing it

Reading about unschooling without doing it is like reading a cookbook without making any food, or reading woodworking project books without owning a saw. Do it!

Help for getting it
photo by Cara Jones

A bigger big world

It is strangely possible to learn from the whole wide world without participating in its pervasive school aspects. It's a little like polarized glass—where you change the angle a little and it all looks CLEAR!! Tilt it back and it all looks dark.

It's a big world and school does not own it.

And the big world is not just right now, as is. It's all its history, all its future, all its imaginings and myths and fantasies and alternate endings. School presents a little package of one version of history, a little package of one summary of science, etc., and leaves all else out.

the whole wide world and what schooling isn't
photo by Sobia Itwaru
__

Lovable and respectable

Try to be lovable and respectable, whether or not you have a partner or an audience, because it makes you a better person. Try to be trustworthy and dependable.

Being a better person will make you a better parent.

Unconditional Love (was Love and Respect)
Better is better.
photo by Cally Brown
__

See what you have

The difference between poverty and abundance is sometimes the ability to see what one has. There have been times when I didn't have a car, we had a leaky roof, and the washing machine wasn't working. There have been more times that the car and washing machine were functioning, the house was solid, and I forgot to appreciate it.

from Gratitude, page 213 of The Big Book of Unschooling
(page 185, first edition)
photo by Elise Lauterbach

Know what you're asking

Joyce Fetteroll wrote:

It's said Alexander the Great founded at least 20 cities named Alexandria. So 2300 years ago if you were to ask someone for directions to Alexandria, you needed to know which you meant before following their directions!

Same with unschooling. To find ideas that will work for you, keep reassessing where you want to go, what you want for your family, what person you want to be rather than heading for "unschooling".

Ask yourself, "Will that idea move toward or away from helping my child explore his interests?" "Will that idea move me toward or away from being a kinder person?"

—Joyce Fetteroll

That is the middle of some longer writing, from a discussion here:
philosophical question on equality of ideas and learning
photo by Brie Jontry

Advice for a newlywed

To have a more peaceful, loving relationship that has the potential to last for a lifetime, don't count and don't measure.

Don't divide anything "fifty/fifty." Forget that concept. Give what you have. Do all you can do. Give/do 80% when you can, but only measure it vaguely, at a squint, and then forget about it. If you aim for half, there will be resentments. If you aim for 100%, small failures will seem larger than they need to be, so don't do that. You can succeed at "lots" without measuring.

If each of you gives as much as you can, your shared needs will be fulfilled more quickly, more easily, and more often.

Be generous with your patience. Life is long. People change, and more than once.
I wrote that for a young friend getting married, and I quoted it here:
Becoming a Better Partner
photo by Vlad Gurdiga
___

Sometimes, be still.

Sometimes, be still.


Don't be still all the time—kids and life are busy, busy, busy! Notice moments of stillness, and breathe there.

Doing it,   Still
photo by Gail Higgins

What it means

"Being there unconditionally for our children nurtures the beautiful side of the human spirit that resides in each one of us. It cleans it. Reveals it. Keeps it fresh. It feeds it. It brings it to life. Makes it grow and helps it thrive. It's a gift to the receiver and to the giver, and it leads both parties to a greater understanding of what it means to love."

—Karen James

SandraDodd.com/growth
photo by Sarah Dickinson

Love what you love

What one person fears, another might love.

Don't be afraid to like what others avoid or reject. There might be something in or about you, too, that seems irrational or wrong to someone. It's good to be different, but it's fine to like what most people like. Don't be afraid if your preferences change.

Feel your own feelings, and love what you love.

SandraDodd.com/parentingpeacefully
photo by Janine Davies
__

Playing with connections

I found something to share, but it seemed too long. While looking for a place to put it, I came upon a link to posts in this blog that are about play and playing.

These two images came up one after the other. They were posted seven years apart, but they're similar, and the posts they link to were called "Playing around" and "Play around." They're links here, and the quote follows.


Someone wrote in 2011:

I do worry about my boys playing computer all day.

I responded:

I have three kids who have played hundreds of games among and between them--Holly learned two new card games just this month that nobody else in the family knows, even her dad who has been a big games guy all his life. There is no game called "computer." I think you mean playing ON the computer. HUGE difference.

We have dozens of nice board games here, and table games (games involving cards or other pieces, to be laid out on a table as play proceeds), but those aren't referred to as kids playing board, or kids playing table.

The computer is not itself the game. There are games on the computer. There is information on the computer. It's not really a net. It's not really a web. It's millions of ideas, words, jokes, pictures, games, a ton of music and videos and.... But you know that, right?

Clarity can begin with being careful with the words you use. Thinking about what you write will help you think about what you think!

(The quote is from halfway down here.)
photos by Sandra Dodd and Karen James

Looking back

I think every moment an unschooling parent spends reflecting on what
and how
and where
she learned things is time well invested.

Reflection/Unschooling (in a discussion from 2005)
photo by Nicole Novakovics
__

Little surprises

If it happened when you expected it, it wouldn't be surprising.

Be open to finding joy in the unexpected.

Something Surprising
photo by Jo Fielding

Simple and beautiful

"I think unschooling has done as much for me as it has and will have for my son. When you get down to it it's just so simple and so beautiful. It's helped me to reconnect with my older kids too and make amends for all the times that I made mistakes. So many things that you don't even know will be changed when you start living that different kind of way."

—Jessica Sutton

Unforeseen Benefits of Unschooling
photo by Karen James
__

Stand up tall

People don't bend to become unschoolers. They stand up tall enough to look all around.

That was in response to a put-down of unschoolers, years ago.
photo by Heather Booth

Fill yourself up

Generosity makes you generous. Kindness makes you kind. Respecting others, and their ideas and their interests, makes you full of respect—respectful. These are little things that build up quickly.


SandraDodd.com/becoming
photo by Janine Davies

Generalizations and exceptions

How easy would it be to define dogs as four-legged animals?

Yet there are three-legged dogs. Many. Some people have never seen them. I knew one personally, and have seen three others closely.

My children learned to read without being taught.

If my children were the only children in the history of the world who learned without being taught, it would still be a fact that some children have learned to read without lessons—that a child can learn to read without lessons.

But my children are not the only ones. There are many. There were many even before schools existed, though it was harder without being surrounded by talking video games and movies with subtitles and printed boxes all over the kitchen, and signs on every street and building and shelf.


(The quote is from this topic, about 4/5 of the way down.)
photo by Sara McGrath

It's this:

Being a good parent is not martyrdom. It's this: Being (in essence, in life, in thought, in action) a good (not bad, not average, but quality/careful/positive) parent.

---

I don't know where I first wrote it, but Karen James saved and shared it in 2012.
Becoming the Parent You Want to Be is a fair match.
photo by Belinda Dutch
__

Wrapped in comfort

"Being the parent to my kids that I needed when I was younger has wrapped my own self in a comfort I never got to have before."

—Jen Keefe (here)

SandraDodd.com/healing
photo by Kinsey Norris
__

If/then do more

Anytime an unschooling mother thinks she's not doing enough, the simple solution is for her to do more.

Here are some ideas: SandraDodd.com/checklists
photo by Kinsey Norris
___

Nothing you "have to" hate

Try not to hate anything more than you "have to," and once you get to thinking more positively, you might find there's is nothing you have to hate.

SandraDodd.com/negativity
SandraDodd.com/haveto
photo by Lydia Koltai

Warmer and more comfortable

Make conscious choices, in little ways, in ways that make your family warmer and more comfortable. Not a few big decisions, but a hundred of little decisions in the next 20 hours. Tone of voice. Smile/no-smile. Patience/rush. Gentle/jerky.

about stepping up and getting calmer
photo by Jo Fielding
__

Night lights

Small kindnesses are the best kind.



photo by Heather Booth

Let it be

Let it be what it is.



photo by Janine Davies

Even little lights shine

photo by Sandra Dodd

Warm, glowing traditions

A pretty thing, about New Mexico...



photo by Sandra Dodd

Be cool! Be brave.

photo by Karen James

Minor and temporary problems

SandraDodd.com has been moved to a new server, and minor problems are being dealt with. Unrelated to that, the site where many of my older photos are stored is having problems, and that affects my website and hundreds of older posts in this blog. Things will be back to normal, but it's not happening today!

Please don't forget me if things are glitchy and incomplete for a litle while. I will share some happy wintery photos for a few days, and I hope those of you with holidays to celebrate this week have many smiles and joys.



photo by Sandra Dodd, of an "adobe" gingerbread house
created by a happy committee of kids, teens and parents
at Kim Archuleta's house in 2007.

Sharing life

I expected unschooling to cause me to be closer to my kids, when they were young, than I might otherwise have been. As time went by, though, I found that I was being kinder to my husband and nicer to my pets.

Others have reported this effect, and their surprise. As unschooling principles became a deeper part of their lives, they discovered a gentler homelife, and an expectation of kindness.

Unforeseen Benefits of Unschooling
photo by Meredith Dew

Is learning fun?

Kathryn Baptista wrote, in a discussion about formerly-schooled kids who assert that learning is not fun:

Playing games is fun. Watching tv is fun. Reading can be fun (if it's something you like and you're doing it for...well...fun.) Playing with (and maybe even taking care of) the dog is fun, pretending to be a pirate, making things, using the computer, maybe cooking... Fun.

You get the idea. And most people who are here, even the beginners, will recognize that for any and all of these things that kids choose to do for fun during the day can be a source of remarkable learning.

—Kathryn Baptista
2006

CONNECTIONS: How Learning Works
photo by Lourdes Garcia

A place to rest and dream

I believe there is a sacredness in sacrifice.

People are embarrassed by the idea of "the sacred" in everyday life. They reject it, often, unless it's part of a specific, brief ceremony (grace before a meal; Friday night candles and formal meal; bowing to a family altar). The idea that making a bed for someone could be about love and preparation of a special place to rest and dream seems too mushy, I think.

From this page which was following on some discussion of sacrifice.
Two words were added to the top line, above,
but the topic was understood in context.
photo by Whitney DiFalco

Limited and limiting

It is very common for people to see school as the center of life, the universe and everything. That's the way the world looks when one sees it mostly in textbook photos, or through whatever classroom windows haven't been papered over or painted out, and from the windows of a schoolbus on the way home to finish homework before going to sleep early because it's a schoolnight. That world is limited and limiting.

the whole wide world and what schooling isn't
photo by Pushpa Ramachandran

Accept contagion

Negativity is contagious. Joy can be contagious, unless one is wielding the sword of negativity, protected by the shield of cynicism.

Don't defend your negativity.

Allow yourself to be infected with other people's joy.

"Happiness Inside and Out"
photo by Sandra Dodd, of flowers growing on drainpipes and ledges
in Staines, in Surrey, in 2012
__

Real decisions

I think it's as important to turn away from "self control" and "self regulation" as it is to turn away from schoolishness itself.

When people have the opportunity and encouragement to make real decisions for real reasons, and they know why the're doing what they're doing, and they're not doing things that don't seem to have a purpose, then "control" and "regulation" don't factor in at all.

I know it sounds crazy, and I also know a LOT of families who thought it sounded crazy and now have that same feeling about serious discussions of "self control" or "impulse control."

Choices, choices!!!!
photo by KathrynRobles
__

Resource Treasures

Written at "Always Learning," by Megan Valnes in August 2018:

"Mostly our unschooling journey is unfolding beautifully using the guiding principles I learned from this group. Just Add Light and Joyce’s unschooling cards are my daily resource treasures."

—Megan Valnes *

the Always Learning discussion has moved to groups.io
photo by Joyce Fetteroll

Interesting choices

Joyce Fetteroll, on choices:

When kids are given the choice between doing things they like and things they don't like, they choose things they like. When kids are give the choice between things they are allowed to do and things they aren't allowed to do, "aren't allowed" looks intriguing.

Have you ever seen a sign on a boring door that says "No Admittance" and felt the urge to open it? If there were no sign you'd not give the door a second glance. But that "No Admittance" sign makes it intriguing, like there's something special back there that you can't have.

—Joyce Fetteroll, 2004

Choose a point...
photo by Lydia Koltai