Thoughtful and mindful

I don't like the term "authentic," of human behavior. It suggests that all those doing anything differently are false, inauthentic, wrong.

If it means being thoughtful and mindful, those are much better terms and concepts to use. If it means living by principles and making careful decisions rather than stumbling along following vague rules, then let's talk about living by principles. But "authenticity" is a false clarity. It's not as real as it sounds.

SandraDodd.com/issues/authenticity
photo by Karen James

Fun and learning

Robin wrote:

I'm sure on any given day I could look at what we're doing and say "We haven't done much today" and I could choose to freak out about it and panic. But when I look back over a week or a month I can see the rich tapestry of fun and learning that is our life.

—Robin ("Blue Skies")
Robin's Typical Days

SandraDodd.com/typical
photo by Sarah Dickinson

The Fabric of Life

When learning is recognized in the fabric of life and encouraged, when families make their decisions based on what leads to more interesting and educational ends, children learn without effort, often without even knowing it, and parents learn along with them.

SandraDodd.com/unschool/allkinds
scanner art by Sandra Dodd; click it for more info
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An important distinction

I remember being corrected on saying someone "taught themself" something and thinking it was bullshit semantics, needlessly picky, and a little snide. Now I understand that distinction so well and it's very important.

— Pamela C,
after a year or so
of unschooling

SandraDodd.com/teaching
photo by Cátia Maciel

Purely learning

Facebook Memories showed me that someone on another continent had quoted me, years ago:

Learning does not teach us, but from learning we learn.

I still haven't found her source, but in looking I found its "wordier" cousin posted here in 2011:

Mastering ideas about learning

As some of my articles are being translated (now into Japanese, French and Italian) I see how much of my writing and thinking is about language itself, and so some of these ideas won't translate. But sometimes, that fact is very good. Some of our confusion about teaching and students and study and learning, in English, has to do with the words we use, and if the problems don't exist in other languages, that's wonderful for them.

In Romance language (Italian, French, Spanish and so on) our "teacher" translates to something along the lines of "maestro," a word we have too in regards to music direction. And we have the English cognate "master" which is more currently left in "master of arts" and other college-degree titles. Once that meant a person was qualified to teach at the university level. That meaning is gone in the U.S., pretty much.

Considering the word family from which "maestro" comes (and not knowing all its connotations in other languages), the English verb "to master" means to learn. It means to become accomplished in the doing of something. Whether mastering horseback riding or blacksmithing or knowing and controlling one's own emotions, it's not something someone else does to you or for you.

So for any translators or bilinguals reading here, have sympathy for English speakers who can't get to natural learning without disentangling all the graspy words and ideas about teaching and education and their implications that learning is passive and teaching must be done to a person.

SandraDodd.com/wordswordsother
photo by Sandra Dodd
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Exploring interesting things

Joyce Fetteroll wrote:

What can we do to help natural learning along?

We can help our kids explore their interests. If they're exploring their interests, they're doing real world work that will provide feedback on how well they're putting their puzzles together. We can bring the world to them so they have access to new interests. They can't know they're interested in the Titanic or haiku poetry or sheep shearing if they don't know they exist.

—Joyce Fetteroll

SandraDodd.com/joyce/talk
photo by Sandra Dodd

Broadening horizons

From responses to a charge that unschooling couldn't broaden a child's horizons:

As to broadening horizons, sitting at a table with an assigned book is less likely to do that than a life filled with going, doing, seeing, touching, tasting, hearing and communicating honestly from inside while learning. Children DO have questions when they're in the process of learning things. It doesn't broaden horizons for a book to tell them which ten questions were the RIGHT ones to have at the end of each chapter.

—Sandra Dodd, 2004

Related ideas: SandraDodd.com/connections/
photo by Irene Adams, from her front yard

Dance around; save the world

by Deb Lewis, once upon a time:

I wrote once before about how dish washing has come to be my mental health moment. I light a candle, I make some tea or pour a glass of wine, turn on some music, take off my shoes, and do just the dishes I want to do. I use dish soap that smells great—LOVE that hot water...sigh. I never start out feeling like I *have to* do *all* the dishes. I think how I want to have clean dishes and do however many I feel like doing. I dance around a little. I plan my garden. I save the world. It's never just about doing dishes.

—Deb Lewis

Feeling "taken advantage of"
mostly-unrelated photo by Deb Lewis
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Thoughtfully and respectfully

Cara Potter wrote:

Having the concepts of authenticity and freedom foremost in your mind doesn't help unschooling - they're freighted with political meaning - actually, all sorts of meanings -that have little to do with unschooling. Better to instead think of helping your child make choices - choices that take others into consideration, (which is respect).

What we as unschoolers are doing is helping our children learn to make choices so that they can live and thrive in the world. You can do that without getting tied up in knots about authenticity and freedom.

There'a an Annie Dillard quotes that always makes me think of this process - "How we live our days is how we live our lives."

If you live your days being kind to your family and helping your child make choices that take other's feelings and expectations into consideration you'll be helping him learn how to have live thoughtfully and respectfully in the world.

—Cara Potter

SandraDodd.com/nest
photo by Colleen Prieto

What to wear...

If a parent tells a child "You can wear ANYTHING YOU WANT TO!" the parent isn't being honest, helpful or truthful, unless they're just going to be at home and no one is coming over, and they have all the choices in the whole world.

Depending on the destination or weather, there are many inappropriate clothing choices. The parent should be helping the child learn what's good, and when there are lots of options, and when there are fewer.

It's not oppressive to coach a child about what's appropriate to wear to a funeral (NOT a swimsuit and goggles, even if it's a burial at sea) or to a wedding (NOT a black dress and black veil).

SandraDodd.com/coaching
photo by Julie D

Ideas, changing, carefully

Take a little time to try out new ideas up next to your old ones. Thinking about why you are where you are, thoughtwise, is a good tool in deciding where you might rather be.

SandraDodd.com/better
photo by Jihong Tang

Clarity and choices

Karen James wrote:

Freedom is a lovely word. It’s a huge concept. It has a very meaningful place in our society. It is important to a lot of people for very honourable and very real reasons.

Freedom is too big a focal point for unschooling though. It’s not that it can’t be celebrated and talked about. I believe it can. But if our aim is to have clarity in unschooling, our focus seems better directed at more succinct and relevant concepts to grasp and implement. Concrete ideas that can carry us forward through all of the stages, through any situation, and into a healthy, productive adulthood.

—Karen James

SandraDodd.com/choices/
photo of an airplane by Sandra Dodd
(click the image and zoom a bit if you can't see the plane)

A wonderful collection

"The unschooling environment I create at home is just a wonderful collection of the best examples I have from the past and the present."

—Rippy Dusseldorp

SandraDodd.com/deschooling
photo by Sandra Dodd, at her own house
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Thinking and maybe rethinking

"Thoughts and opinions that don't match reality should be rethought."

—Joyce Fetteroll

SandraDodd.com/tvchoice
photo by Sandra Dodd

Going all in

Jen Keefe wrote:

I fought motherhood for a long time. What helped me settle in and fall in love with this life and in practical love with my kids was going all in.

—Jen Keefe

SandraDodd.com/being/allin
photo by Rosie Moon

A good contagion

Negativity is contagious. Joy can be contagious, unless one is wielding the sword of negativity, protected by the shield of cynicism.

Don't defend your negativity.

Allow yourself to be infected with other people's joy.

"Happiness Inside and Out"
photo by Sandra Dodd, of flowers growing on drainpipes and ledges in Staines, in Surrey, in 2012
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Commonplace, everyday things

I got to see both of those things. Both photos are by me. I love modern cameras.

The first was in Scotland, in 2013. The second was in New Mexico, in 2019. Those cows are not normal (in my personal experience), but the other is a plain-old view. Both sorts of conditions are there, for some people, every day, and have been for centuries.

Seeing with those thoughts in mind can help with gratitude and abundance. Think of people from other places who have never seen the plants or trees or animals you can easily see on an everyday day.

I hope you see beauty today.

Normal or exotic?
photos by Sandra Dodd
P.S. It can also be fun to imagine having time-traveling relatives visit and see your house and collections and gadgets. People from a hundred years ago would be as interested as people from the future. Appreciate your stuff!

Seeing learning

If beginners don't go through a phase in which they REALLY focus on seeing learning outside of academic formalities, they will not be able to see around academics.

SandraDodd.com/peace/newview
photo by Lisa Jonick
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Be very engaged

"I made my marriage very important to me. I chose to be very engaged in my marriage as a part of raising children."

—Schuyler Waynforth

SandraDodd.com/spouses
photo by Sandra Dodd

Connection and trust

Leah Rose wrote:

Unschooling, deschooling, parenting peacefully, all of it called to me, deeply, but it felt like a huge risk, a giant gamble. But I'm so glad we didn't pull back, that we continued down the path. ...

Learning to parent mindfully, keeping my focus in the present, making choices towards peace, towards help and support, is not, as it turns out, much of a gamble or a risk. It is the surest path to connection and trust.

—Leah Rose

SandraDodd.com/guarantee
photo by Marin Holmes

Pleasantly surprised

I was asked:

Did your kids have rules like bedtimes, no candy before dinner ... that sort of thing?

I wrote:

We didn't have those rules, but our kids went to bed every night and didn't eat candy before dinner. It seems crazy to people who believe that the only options are rules or chaos, but our children slept when they were sleepy, and ate when they were hungry (or when something smelled really good, or others were eating), and I was pleasantly surprised to learn that they were able to know what their bodies needed. I grew up by the clock, up at 6:30, eat quickly, bus stop, school, wait until lunch, eat, wait until dinner, go to bed. I had no idea that sleep and food could be separated from a schedule like that, but they can be.

Not so crazy after all
photo by Sandra Dodd

The World as a Museum

Be willing to be surprised where you are, to appreciate the unexpected, and to stop and notice something old or artsy.

What's familiar to you might be brand new to a child.

SandraDodd.com/learning
photo by Sandra Dodd
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Healing and validating

Janine Davies wrote:

Victory is what it feels like—the biggest victory in my life so far. I am my own healer and validator. Unschooling my every thought word and deed is my healer, my boys are the absolute proof of my victory and my healing. I am now a sweeter, kinder person—a less judgemental, critical and negative person. I have found again the joy, curiosity and fun that was squished (and often violently) out of my life so much as a child, and I can't get enough of it! Bring it on! Unschooling heals and rocks!

—Janine Davies
SandraDodd.com/healing
(there are two sound files there, in addition
to more writing by Janine and others)

SandraDodd.com/proof
photo by Jihong Tang

Calm and thoughtful joy

What advice do you have for families who are new to homeschooling?

Don't spend money at first. Read, meet other families, let your children have time to do what they're interested in, or what they weren't allowed to do before because of school. If they want to read or play in the yard or ride bikes or watch movies or draw or paint or play games, make that possible for them.

While the children are recovering, the parents can learn about what they want to do and why, and how. There is more online about homeschooling than anyone could ever read. Find the writers and ideas that make sense to you, and pursue that. Don't rush into anything. Parents should learn to be calm and thoughtful instead of panicky and reactionary. It's better for health and decision-making, and it sets a good example for the children. Don't live in fear when you can live in joy.

SandraDodd.com/beginning
photo by Cátia Maciel

Very random

Try to embrace "very random" so unschooling will work optimally! 🙂

Even for kids who are in school, the more parents talk and joke and wonder with them, the more learning will happen, and the better relationships will be.

Webs, nets, connections
photo by Cátia Maciel

Dangerous thoughts

The words of Pam Sorooshian:

People should shush the tapes in their heads and think for themselves. Be brave.

The VERY first thing that really shook me up in listening to unschoolers was at a talk Sandra gave—she said it was okay to think dangerous thoughts. I decided to try it.

I've been thinking, "What if....." ever since. I'm addicted to thinking dangerous thoughts.

From a 2009 chat/interview with Pam Sorooshian;
transcript: SandraDodd.com/chats/pamsorooshian
photo by Marty Dodd
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Peace and optimism

Jenny Cyphers wrote:

While I don't deny that money can make an unschooling life easier, and that affording opportunities can contribute to a rich full unschooling life, it isn't everything. It can be worked around. Creating peace and optimism and comfort and trusting relationships are bigger and it shows through in times when things are less than ideal.

—Jenny Cyphers

SandraDodd.com/teen/people
photo by Gail Higgins

Things some people know

Teens who were always unschooled *know* things that other people don't know. My children, for example, know one can learn to read without being taught. They don't think it, kind of believe it, or have a theory about it. They know that it's possible to be honest and trust your parents. They know it's possible for a fourteen year old girl to hang out with her older brothers pleasantly and at their request. They understand why those with unlimited TV in their own rooms can go a long time without turning it on, or why they might want to leave it on to sleep. They have years of experience with the fact that someone with the freedom to choose to stay awake will get sleepy at some point and want to go to bed and sleep. They all understand when it's worth going to sleep even though fun things are going on, and they know how to decide when it's worth setting an alarm to get up.

There are many adults who don't know those things.

All three were teens when I wrote that; they're in their thirties now.

SandraDodd.com/teen/people
photo by Monica Molinar

Love. Generosity. Simple and kind.

Over the years when people have said, "But I have to wash the dishes," people such as Deb Lewis and Joyce Fetteroll have made many sensible and sometimes shocking suggestions. People could get cheap dishes at garage sales and throw them away. They could use paper plates and burn them for fuel, or throw them away or compost them. They could eat over the sink or stove. They could make food that doesn't need plates, and use paper towels, or newspaper or printer paper. They could eat out.

Some people say "But cockroaches will come," or "our house has ants" or "mice."

Submerge the dishes in water until morning, and they'll be easy to wash. Get a dishwasher.

But the attitude that someone has to wash the dishes gets in the way of seeing options.

Wash dishes because you want to. What would make you want to? Love. Generosity. A desire to have an available kitchen, a clean slate, a fresh canvas. The wish to do something simple and kind for yourself and others. The wish to keep peace in your house. ...

There's more before that, and after that:
Washing Dishes
photo by Sandra Dodd

other dishes, from around the world,
in photos on Just Add Light and Stir

Seeing and doing better

Deb Lewis wrote (in 2008 or so):

We have all made mistakes. I still make mistakes despite trying really hard not to and my kid is almost sixteen and always unschooled. I don't see any value in beating myself up over mistakes and *I don't see any value in comforting myself about them either*. They are mistakes, things to be avoided in the future if I want to continue to have this great relationship with my kid. I can *always* do better.

—Deb Lewis

SandraDodd.com/mistakes
photo by Ester Siroky

Unschooling, Time and Energy

Someone asked:

Is Unschooling Exhausting?

My first thought is "compared to what?"

Is unschooling more exhausting than having a child in school?

Is unschooling more exhausting than doing school at home?



SandraDodd.com/unschoolingtime
photo by Sandra Dodd

Sounding off

Patti Schmidt wrote:

It seems to me that "phonics" essentially serves the purpose of "teaching" a child to read before he's ready and fully grasps context and meaning. I know that I can read Spanish, which is a much more consistently phonetic language than English, complete with accent and everything, and literally not understand one bit of what I'm saying.

I remember being tested separately for "reading" and reading comprehension. If one can't understand the words and phrases, then isn't it just decoding with an internalized phonics decoder ring?

Turning script to sound is one trick, but the reading that people want will turn marks to meaning. The same way that musical notation (and a musician who can decipher and play or sing it) can bring music into the air, so can the written word becoming lively language again.

Patti discovered, as many unschooling parents have, that while some children appreciate phonics hints, or figure phonics out on their own, others learn to read in their own other ways.

More of Patti's story of children learning differently:
SandraDodd.com/r/patti
photo by Sandra Dodd

The photo was taken of the insde of a church door in Durham, in England. "The draught is dreadful" cannot be read easily with American phonics (or sight reading, or look-say). But it's cute, and it's alliterative, which is an ancient tradition in the English language, and in the naming of the alter-egos of comic-book super heroes.

Judging others "bad"

In a discussion of something else, regarding an actress, someone wrote:

I admit I love her on [a series she was on]. But oh, how I wish she was anti-circumcision, too.

That was WAY off topic.
I/Sandra reponded:

It might be worth considering not wanting any one person to provide everything for any other one person. By that I mean if you like something she does and benefit from watching a show she's on (or whatever it might be) it seems wrong to criticize her for not agreeing with everything.

It happens to me. People want me to support/do/be EVERYthing they themselves like/do/want, and complain if I am not vegan or protest-marching or religious or petitioning to change homeschooling laws in some particular country in another hemisphere. Maybe it should be enough that they like Just Add Light and Stir, without then telling me what I should think and do (and write and spend time on) about other issues.

Maybe there's something natural about it, but it's not logical or fair.

SandraDodd.com/judgment
photo by Gail Higgins

Learning with and from kids

from a set of questions going around in 2009:

Question:

What ways have you found to continue your own learning? What kinds of things have you gotten interested in since having kids?

Sandra Dodd's response:

My kids have introduced me to music, movies, games and humor I wouldn't have known otherwise. It's been wonderful. Kirby moved nearly two years ago, but he still sends me recommendations for things to see and hear. I've met lots of unschoolers and their children, and corresponded with 20 times as many; from them I've learned more and more about unschooling.

SandraDodd.com/learning
photo by Janine Davies
(or a camera in a theatre lobby)

---

I tagged it "costumes, but it was a board with cutouts for them to stick their faces in, so... not sure how to tag it. I first learned about the musical "Cats" from Roxana Sorooshian, and then Holly Dodd, different aspects.

What could be better?

Being the sort of parent you wish you had had, and providing an environment you would like to have had as a child, is probably the easiest and most direct way to move toward being a good unschooler.

Becoming the Parent You Want to Be
photo by Karen James

Sorting real from construct

Most of unschooling has to happen inside the parents. They need to spend some time sorting out what is real from what is construct, and what occurs in nature from what only occurs in school.

Unschooling and Yoga Philosophy – An Interview with Sandra Dodd
photo by Cally Brown

Balancing on changes

Things change. Even in the best of peaceful circumstances, things change. Keep your balance, find gratitude and abundance, and accept changes gracefully when you can.

Impermanence
photo by Colleen Prieto
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Learning, input—living there

a mom wrote:
Having the television on all day is not something I want and I live here too.

Sandra Dodd's response:

We don't have the television on all day.

You live there too, but if your priority is your children's learning, then limiting input is going to make that more difficult.

Other unschoolers responded, too, in that discussion:
SandraDodd.com/bookworship
photo by Jen

Choose to have choices

A person can choose to have choices. A person can choose not to choose; still a choice, but they think of it as "no choice" or "have to."

Make the better choice
photo by Sandra Dodd