Honoring needs

Nancy B. quoted from a poem by Ruth Hulburt Hamilton and Melissa responded (below):

Cleaning and scrubbing can wait till tomorrow
For children grow up, we've learned to our sorrow,
So quiet down cobwebs, dust go to sleep.
I'm rocking my baby, cause babies don't keep.

Melissa wrote:

I love this...I think it struck a cord with me because, earlier today my daughter asked me to play a computer game with her and I told her that I "had" to clean the kitchen first. I got halfway between the computer and the kitchen, stopped, turned around, went back, told her I was sorry that the kitchen could wait, and played her game with her. She was so happy that I didn't care if the dishes rotted in the sink! 🙂 She only played for about five minutes but, I know that it will stick with her, that I found HER more important than the housework.

— Melissa Raley

SandraDodd.com/chores/relationship
photo by someone with Julie's camera; maybe James the dad

Light show

Alex Polikowsky wrote, years ago:

We are all for fun stuff. We get to go to places with our homeschooling friends like theme parks and museums and have it all to ourselves. We get to play all day because for unschoolers playing and learning go hand in hand.

My kids are happy. They have fun. They learn everyday.

We have time to have many animals the kids want.

We have time to play games as a family.

We have time to run in the yard and explore places together. We have time to have fun.

Our lives are not separated between school life and home life. Most things we do, we do it because we like it and because we have fun doing them.

—Alex Polikowsky
(source / interview, 2009)

Alex's children are both at the University of Minnesota, studying engineering, so she had time to visit me and explore and play games. We had fun. She took the photo above on her way home.

Meanwhile, some of our other unschooling friends saw the northern lights, too, and shared images: Colleen Prieto, New Hampshire

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Gail Higgins, North Carolina

I slept through all of that, and failed to leave a post; sorry!

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More by Alex Polikowsky
top photo by Alex Polikowsky, from a plane, October 10, 2024—
wingtip light and slight reflection from the window

"I hope you don't mind"

Dylan isn't twelve anymore; Deb Lewis still writes beautifully.

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Yesterday was David's birthday and we had guests. I left dishes in the sink when I went to bed. I got up early with the dogs but then went back to bed. When I got up later Dylan had done the dishes. He said "I know you really like to do the dishes mom, so I hope you don't mind, but I just felt like doing them."

Dylan is twelve.

I *know* living life joyfully makes a difference in the way our kids see us and the way they see the little things that make life better.

—Deb Lewis

SandraDodd.com/chores/tales
photo by Janine Davies
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Another view

I was just as tall when I took a few steps over for a clearer view.

Young children are not as tall, and what they see won't be what we see, though it's easy to forget.

Some point-of-view considerations are physical. Others have to do with what we already know about what we're seeing. I know where that bear came from. I know the cat's name. I know it's Albuquerque.

Where you saw it, and whatever you saw, is just as real. Either it interested you or it didn't, which is fine.

When two people are having a conversation, or comparing or defining things, there are dozens of factoring differences. Life is fun, and funny, and angles and perceptions vary.

SandraDodd.com/angles
photos by Sandra Dodd

A Feast!

Dominique Trussler wrote, years ago:

This morning I brought my 8-year-old son a snack as he was busy playing on the computer, and he said "Wow! A feast! One, because it is big. And two because it has yummy things on it." And he carried on playing. And now I am smiling. 😊


Here is picture of the feast. (He is very tidy with his food, in case you are thinking wow hummus near a laptop!)

—Dominique Trussler

Something Surprising
photo by Dominique Trussler

Talking to strangers

Jo Isaac, when her son was seven years old:

Kai's self-confidence surprises me all the time. He is happy to go talk to strangers anywhere, and teenagers. On his first day signing up for soccer Kai took a ball to a teenager and asked him if he wanted to play with him and Brett (my husband). That totally floored my husband, who couldn't have imagined going up to a strange teenager when he was seven, let alone asking them to play soccer with them (the teenager did play with them, they had fun).

—Jo Isaac

Note from Sandra: As a "grown" teen himself, Kai travelled from Australia to Thailand for an explore, and came back safely.

SandraDodd.com/surprise
photo by... by elimination, perhaps by Huxley, or James.
Maybe by Sam.

Okay, I've named some NOT in the photo. I wasn't there, but here's who's in:
(standing:) Kai, Karl, Kes, Adam, Polly
(seated:) Jo, Julie and Janine.

A kindness and a gift

Rather than tell a child in advance what's about to be seen, it can be wonderful to let them feel they've discovered something on their own. A surprise can be so stimulating that the memories will be more vivid. And the discovery becomes a personal accomplishment.

If the parent is surprised too, that's a bonus, but if you can allow for someone else to be surprised, it can be a kindness and a gift.

SandraDodd.com/surprise/
photo by Lydia Koltai

Wisdom at its finest

Willow Lune wrote

The wisdom coming from these unschooled kids amazes (and surprises) me on a regular basis. The choices they make and the thoughtfulness they put into decisions. The in-depth discussions. Their take on the world. Their willingness to give feedback, knowing that their words matter. Wow—wisdom at its finest.

—Willow Lune

SandraDodd.com/surprise
photo by Rosie Moon

Climbing

Karen James wrote, in part:

A few weeks ago my husband, son and myself went for a bit of a hike. My son wanted to climb a big, steep hill that overlooked the ocean and had rocks at the top that he could climb and sit on. I looked up that hill and thought "Oh crikey! That's a steep hill." (I'm not in as good a shape I used to be.) But I could see that Ethan really wanted to climb it, and he really wanted us to join him, so I smiled and said "Let's go!" He's thirteen. I don't know how many more years I'll be invited (or have) to join him on his adventures. I choose to relish them now, while I still have the health and the opportunity to do so.

Ethan ran ahead, excited. My husband followed closer behind him. I took a deep breath and began walking too. Instead of looking all the way up the top of the hill, I looked at the ground as I climbed. I looked right and left and relished in the little details I found. Seeing the ground move steadily beneath my feet was encouraging, and made the climb seem not so steep. ....

It might not seem like it now, but those early years pass fast. I love all the happy memories I've made with Ethan these past 13 years. As he's growing more and more into his own interests, I can see the little boy he once was twirling on a trampoline for the twentieth or more time saying "Watch me now!" landing with pride every time. ...

Read the rest here:
Mindfulness in Unschooling
photo by Cátia Maciel

Be more

I closed a talk recently with this:

Be brave, be calm, be happy.

Be braver, be calmer, be happier.

The first line was written on my paper. The second one, I added just then.

SandraDodd.com/being
photo by Julie Daniel
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The link in yesterday's post didn't work, but it has been repaired here:
Accepting and Supporting**Sorry**

Accepting and Supporting

I think parents only have so many vetos they can use with their kids before the kids start ignoring them, and I think maybe those vetos should be saved for important things down the line, if they're used at all.

Every negative message to a child is a scar on that relationship. Not enjoying the same thing is fine, but HATING what they enjoy ("hating" much of anything) is a loss to joy, not an addition to joy.

Accepting and Supporting
photo by Colleen Prieto

All or nothing or...

Should people live in the water in the middle of the ocean, or should they live on land as far as possible away from an ocean?

Quickly! What's your answer?


This was a trick question just designed to make you think. But people really do ask the same kinds of questions of themselves sometimes. In some people's heads, "Don't believe everything you read" turns into "Don't believe anything you read."

In the middle are things like "Believe things that make sense and seem to work after you've thought about them and tried them out," and "Don't believe something just because you read it, but wait for it to be confirmed by other more trusted sources, or by your own research or observance."

By thinking in extremes, "There is more than one truth" becomes "All things are equally truthful." Just because there are many truths doesn't mean there's no such thing as nonsense.

SandraDodd.com/balance
The last bit was a paraphrase, to be courteous,
of the original statement from a few years before which was
"Just because there's more than one truth
doesn't mean there's no such thing as bullshit."

photo by Sandra Dodd

Easy generosity

"If he wants someone to butter his toast for him, buttering the toast is probably the easiest possible thing to do in that instance."

—Sandra Dodd

Quote saved by Christine Macdonald; thanks!
photo by Sandra Dodd

Gentle and sweet

Be as gentle and sweet as you can be. Practice breathing and making the better choice, so you will be confident that you are being thoughtful.

Those small tools can build strong relationships.

SandraDodd.com/parentingpeacefully

Quote is from an interview in 2023
photo by Roya Dedeaux

Open gates to peaceful places

Once when a mom wished her child didn't love "Barney," I said I didn't love "Rugrats," but I went on to write:

Any program can be the springboard for sincere and helpful exchanges between parents and children **unless** the mom condemns and rejects a program in such harsh terms that the children aren't even able to discuss it with her for fear of criticism or rejection. Then the mom has cut off her kids. And "I hate X" is not an open gate.

"Hate" is a set of biochemicals that will not let love and open acceptance in until hate settles down, so moms hoping to build a peaceful learning nest for children should be using the best materials they have, physical or emotional or otherwise. Hate, jealousy, resentment and those sharp and separating emotions are not nesting materials.

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I'll leave links to the original writing, to a newer page on positivity, and on "Building an Unschooling Nest."

"I hate to play!"

SandraDodd.com/positivity

SandraDodd.com/nest
photo by Sandra Dodd

Learning from life

Me, interviewed, answering this question:

Q: If you were to define unschooling in three words, what would they be?

A: I wouldn’t. It’s too easy to mislead. Too often, people grab a phrase or idea and run off and make a mess with it. If it’s used lightly though, I don’t mind “learning from life”.

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The interviewer said I had been writing about unschooling online since Yahoogroups days, but I was on in 1993, even before the AOL message boards came and went. 🙂

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Sandra Dodd—30 years of Unschooling
photo by Holly Dodd

Better ways to be

This is post #5004!
#5003, yesterday's, had links that didn't work, so I'm back with a thank you for reading, an apology for yesterday's problem (my fault completely), and a repeat, with working links (I HOPE!).

If you usually read from e-mail or on a phone, maybe visit from a computer or iPad so you can play with the randomizer and "Themes in the Images" (tags of photo elements). I'm not sure how it shows from other tablets, but the iPad works.

Thank you for reading!

(I had intended to make a big deal of the 5,000th post, but it came in the midst of me keeping grandkids for five days while their parents were out of state, so this is a small deal, about #5004.)


"Being there for and with the family" seems so simple and yet many parents miss out on it without even leaving the house. Maybe it's because of English. Maybe we think we're "being there with our family" just because we can hear them in the other room. There is a special kind of "being" and a thoughtful kind of "with" that are necessary for unschooling and mindful parenting to work.

Being an unschooling parent Being flexible and creative and patient Being a mindful parent Being supportive Being at peace Being with... Being aware Being fun Being as

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SandraDodd.com/being
photo by Sandra Dodd

Being all the good ways

"Being there for and with the family" seems so simple and yet many parents miss out on it without even leaving the house. Maybe it's because of English. Maybe we think we're "being there with our family" just because we can hear them in the other room. There is a special kind of "being" and a thoughtful kind of "with" that are necessary for unschooling and mindful parenting to work.

Being an unschooling parent Being flexible and creative and patient Being a mindful parent Being supportive Being at peace Being with... Being aware Being fun Being as

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SandraDodd.com/being
photo by Sandra Dodd

The sky stays up

This is from a discussion of speech therapy, once upon a time:

I think the hurry on the part of the therapist is based on school- based assumptions—that his age means being in a certain grade, and that not "catching up" fast means a life of failure and working bringing in the carts at WalMart. It's simple, in this culture, and common, for people to chart a course to a failed future on the basis of ditching school one day, or of a kid getting drunk and missing a football practice, or not studying for a math test one time, or of missing more than some number of days of school in one year because of illness.

The sky is ALWAYS falling for professionals associated with the schools. . . . .
The sky doesn't need to be falling on unschoolers.

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SandraDodd.com/being

Original, on Always Learning
photo by Amy Milstein

Carefully-thought-out ideas

It's easy for people to "yeah, but..." themselves way off track. It's harder to relax into considering that maybe those who did successfully deschool, and who unschooled well for years, are offering carefully-thought-out ideas for very good reasons.

SandraDodd.com/stages/materials
photo by Karen James

Growing and thriving

Joyce Fetteroll, from an interview:

Unschooling is creating a rich environment where natural learning flourishes....
. . . . "Flourishes" is not merely existing, but growing and thriving. If the kids are ignored, they’ll learn. If the kids are given loving support and a rich stimulating environment, they will learn. But the two learns are universes apart. Unschooling focuses on learning that flourishes.

—Joyce Fetteroll

SandraDodd.com/definitions
(longer writing, and a link to the interview)
photo by Rosie Moon

Negotiations, commerce (not bribery)

I think we were discussing offering an older child money to read to a younger child, or to play with them at their level; kind of an occasional in-house mother's helper situation. Someone asked about bribery; my response follows. —Sandra

How do you go about it without it feeling like/being bribery? I'm guessing it is in attitude and wording, but I can't imagine a way to word it that it doesn't sound like bribery to me...? Thanks for the idea!

How do places of business get people to go to work without "bribery"?
How do you get an auto dealer to give you a car without bribery?

If someone's supposed to do something anyway and holds out on you until you pay them or give them something, that's a bribe. If something is not someone's job or someone's property and they negotiate for an exchange, that's commerce, not bribery.

There are some truisms that are spoken without real examination and I think the very vague rules against bribery of children are right up top there.

SandraDodd.com/bribery
photo by Cátia Maciel

Choices and learning

Each child is an individual. If you let them choose from many foods, they won't eat things that make them sick, or make them feel bad.

If you tell them in advance what "will" make them feel better and what "will" make them feel bad, #1 you could be very wrong, and #2 they are NOT learning on their own about food. They're learning how to appease mom.

SandraDodd.com/food
photo by Kirby Dodd

Quote is from an online text chat on food and eating.

Up, up!

Up seems better than down in many ways—mythologically, linguistically, psychologically. Birds are up. Sun is up. Perk up. Cheer up.

Things are looking up.

A happy spiral upward
photo by Megan Valnes
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Another space

Brie wrote, when a mom felt inadequate for not having her kids outside more:

I suggest making "outside" simply another space in a rich and engaging life. "Outside" is a part of the world we live in. "Outside" can be many places - parks, your backyard, a forest, the beach, a concert lawn, a hot air balloon fiesta, a carnival, a party with pleasant spaces set up outdoors ..... there's no one way to have meaningful time outdoors. Thinking about "outside" as some kind of monolith, like some people think about "screens," isn't useful.

—Brie Jontry
(ideas and cautions followed)

SandraDodd.com/briejontry
photo by Cathy Koetsier

Better expectations

Joyce Fetteroll wrote:

What gets in the way of so many new unschooling parents is unreasonable expectations. They think kids must learn to read, spell, do math by a certain age, do chores, do what they're told, not eat more sugar than Mom thinks is right, bathe and sleep when Mom wants... They think unschooling parents have a magical way of getting kids to do those.

Some parent expectations come from how they were parented. Some come from school. Some come from friends and other parents. Some are accepted as truths just because the message is ubiquitous.

For unschooling to flourish, parents need to look directly at their kids. What does *this* child need? What is *this* child reaching for? If a resource helps a parent let go of unreasonable expectations and look directly at their child, then that's supportive of creating a learning environment. If a resource helps a parent understand their child better, that's a good thing *if* it removed a barrier to directly looking at their child. It's not a good thing if it puts a new filter between parent and child. (It's funny how parents who fear TV see addiction in their children. When they let go of their fear, they see engagement.)

—Joyce Fetteroll

SandraDodd.com/waldorf
photo by Sarah Peshek

More

Alex Polikowsky wrote: Unschooling takes more, more presence, more guidance, more attention, more mindfulness, more connection, more thinking and questioning, more choices and better choices. —Alex Polikowsky

SandraDodd.com/misconceptions
photo by Sandra Dodd

Interesting things

Strew their paths with interesting things. SandraDodd.com/strewing photo by Cathy Koetsier __

A little success story

Kerryn wrote:

There have been fleeting moments of seeing unschooling at work in our house. I would love to share them with you all.

Just this evening the children were watching a Fred Astaire movie (we'd been talking about dancing/old movies etc for a while and happened upon a dvd yesterday) and a scene was showing a college student talking about 'passing'. My 9 year old said "What's passing?" My 5 year old said, "Silly, it's passing, you know, going past something."

I see this as a little success story. They've forgotten or have become unaware of grades, tests, and performance. Another step in our deschooling journey.

—Kerryn
Australia

Reports of "Seeing It"
SandraDodd.com/seeingitcomments
Photographer unknown; adults looking at a musician, child dancing, at an Always Learning Live event in Albuquerque. Perhaps this is one of Lydia Koltai's children. I'm sorry I don't know who took it.

Where do you look?

How do you apportion your patience, attention, courtesy, time, money, material help, respect?

Those sorts of decisions make you who you are.


SandraDodd.com/eyecontact
photo by Sandra Dodd
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Look around

You might be able to see a lot without moving.

SandraDodd.com/look
photo by Deb Lewis

An element of peace

Peace is not an element "that can neither be created nor destroyed." Peace is entirely a condition and a mood. It's very, very fragile. It has to be created and maintained and protected.

from "A Loud Peaceful Home"
SandraDodd.com/peace/noisy
photo by Jihong Tang

Dinosaurs, tortillas, The Tick

Deb Lewis wrote:

We played at the river yesterday. We threw rocks at floating ice chunks until we couldn't feel our fingers anymore. We had a snowball fight. We went sledding. We watched "Attack of the Crab Monsters" and read about dinosaurs. We played Master Labyrinth and chess. We stood on our heads. We made peanut butter and bird seed surprise for the flickers.

Today we're going to Grandma's house. She's making fresh tortillas and we'll visit with Dylan's uncle because he's flying back to Anchorage on Monday. We'll probably watch a movie there, too. I'll make a pan of fudge to take along.

My real and happy kid says a lot more about unschooling than I could ever convey by analyzing human nature. If I'm afraid to talk about my real unschooling life, how will I single-handedly change the world for the better? I've printed out my super hero license and I've sewn my Tick suit. Now, Evildoers, Eat My Justice!

—Deb Lewis

and there was more: SandraDodd.com/day/debl
photo by Rosie Moon

That bird is not a flicker in Montana; it's a robin in Yorkshire. There's some brown, some red, some snow; slightly close.

Beautiful, fragile thoughts

Let your children make discoveries with their own new eyes. Don't show-and-tell them into a helpless stupor. Be with them, pay attention to what they're seeing for the first time and be poised to explain if they ask, or point out something interesting if they miss it, but try to learn to be patient and open to their first observations and thoughts. Like bubbles, or dandelion puffs, they are beautiful and fragile and if you even blow on it too hard, it will never be there again.

Practice being. Practice waiting. Practice watching.

Let them experience the world with you nearby keeping them safe and supported.

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from page 124 (or 136), "Experiences," in The Big Book of Unschooling

which leads to SandraDodd.com/peace/newview

photo by Sandra Dodd

Lessons and pressure won't help.

Each person who learns to read learns almost suddenly, at some point. It happens whether he's in school or not. Before that point, the words are scribbles. After that point, he sees a word and knows what it means, without sounding it out, without looking it up. The scribbles turn to words. . . . .
Before a child can read, He Cannot Read. Lessons and pressure won't help. It's not making sense yet. One day the marks become words, IF he has not been pressured and shamed, rushed and blamed.

Some Thoughts About Later Reading
photo by Andrea Quenneville

Talking, laughing, doing, watching...

Sylvia Woodman wrote:

One of the most frequent questions I hear is, "What does a typical day look like in your house?" It's hard to know how to answer since what we are doing is what we have always done. We live our life, have fun, try new things, talk about them. Mostly, the learning happens almost "under the radar"—people talking, laughing, doing stuff, watching things, tasting things, and making connections that make sense to them.

—Sylvia Woodman, 2014

SandraDodd.com/sylviawoodman/learning
photo by Sylvia Woodman

Many small adjustments

Renee Cabatic wrote, years ago:

I place toothpaste on Xander's toothbrush at night. One night he said it was too much toothpaste so the next night I put much less on. He then told me it was too little toothpaste.

Exasperated, I said, "I can't win for losing."

He said, "You can win. With many small adjustments!"

Do not be overwhelmed.

YOU can unschool with many small adjustments!

—Renee Cabatic

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Xander is grown now. Because of him and his mom, MANY people learned to consider making small adjustments toward more peaceful living and learning.

Clarity, by Renee Cabatic
photo by Vlad Gurdiga

The heart and mind of the parent

Robin Bentley wrote:

Radical unschooling (and the "radical" means "from the root") is all about mindset and changing beliefs and relationships for the better. Some people approach it from letting go of "academics" first, trying to see learning in everything. But if beliefs about learning and kids and partnership are changed first, then unschooling will proceed more smoothly. The real work is done in the heart and mind of the parent.

—Robin Bentley

SandraDodd.com/change
photo by Sandra Dodd
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Enemies and monsters

Once I commented on one from a list of "truths" on a correspondent's blog:

This is not at all true. It has been claimed for years, but it’s nonsense.

18. Television turns you into a hypnotic state where the viewer switches off completely and is drawn into the world of the idiot box (well, that’s why it’s called that – an idiot box) for it doesn’t enable a two-way communication. Not even a silent one because you go numb.

If that were true, how much worse would books be? Plays?

I have collected accounts for twenty years of the learning that comes from television and video. People like to have enemies and monsters, sometimes, and “Screentime” is an easy boogey-man. SandraDodd.com/screentime/

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The blogger had already changed her mind about it before I commented, after having discovered my site, she said. I believe her. The post was a few years old when I objected.

SandraDodd.com/clarity
photo by Sara McGrath