Wonder, imagination and beauty

Karen James wrote:

Instead of being afraid of this and that in society, open your heart to wonder. Spend meaningful time with your kids doing the things that captivate their imagination. Don't talk too much. Listen more. Really look into their eyes, and see how they see the world. Listen to what they're sharing with you, and hear how they interpret the world. Support what they see, and hear, and come to define as their model of reality. The more you show your support, the more you'll be invited to be a part of their lives, and the more beautiful your mutual experience will be.

—Karen James

SandraDodd.com/karenjames/hindsight
photo by Cally Brown
in New Zealand

Philosophy of unschooling

Joyce Fetteroll wrote:

I guess I'd never really thought about the philosophy of unschooling specifically to write it out! A philosophy is sort of a package of principles. And principles are ideas that are accepted (hopefully because someone has experiences and thought deeply about the ideas!) as true.

The principles of unschooling are that humans are born learners. That children will learn best when given the freedom to learn what, when and how they want.

That doesn't, of course, tell anyone what to do. Principles are what help us decide which choices support our philosophy and which choices run counter to it.

. . . .
The principle that some are having problems with is that when children are treated with the same respect that we give to other human beings, life (and unschooling) is enhanced.

It's not a principle anyone should just accept. But those of us that are living it have experienced life with and without that kind of respect and know how wonderful the change can be. Those who have only experienced conventional parenting are only guessing at the effects it will have on children and family life and are rejecting the principle without experience.

—Joyce Fetteroll

Unschooling Philosophy, at Joyfully Rejoying
(an archived page, but even the randomizer still works there)
photo by Karen James

Fun shelter

Karen James wrote:

Don't shelter them from the world. Don't let them loose in it. Walk with them, paying attention to what it looks like they need to know (not what you think they should know). Partner with them in this real world we live in, so that they can learn, with your guidance and support, how to make the most of their explorations and their ever-growing experience.

—Karen James

SandraDodd.com/karenjames/deschooling
photo by Hinano

Courage (and real encouragement)

Changing and learning to be unschooling parents is a slow and gradual business, and there might be people trying to discourage you.

I saved these actual public comments; I hope you've never had any aimed at you.

• Some people take unschooling much too seriously.


• There really is no good definition of unschooling, you know.


• Whatever unschooling is for you, that's unschooling!


• Don't listen to those unschoolers.

There are many more, mostly of the "You are an amazing mom!" sort, at What support is and isn't. Don't read too much there. 🙂

If you're not feeling confident and would like some encouraging suggestions, maybe poke around this blog and follow some links to real encouragement and good ideas.

Click "view online" from an e-mail, to get to the randomizer. From phones, the randomizer is below; on computers, it's up to the right.

SandraDodd.com/help
photo by Holly Dodd

Comfort and support

I was planning to borrow an older post for today's post. Intending to see whether I had already repeated it, I accidentally put it into Google instead of Just Add Light and Stir's search bar.

The quote was this:

Taking food to someone who is reading or playing a game or watching a movie and just putting it where he or she can reach it without any instructions, warnings or reminders is a great gift. It is a simple gesture, and a profound service.

Those were my words, and they went with this photo, by Hinano:


The mistake triggered Google's AI to expand on the quote for me, and it was quite good:

---

This statement highlights a profound act of service: offering sustenance without disrupting someone's flow. By delivering food silently and without demands, you show care, respect their focus, and nurture them, turning a simple, quiet gesture into a meaningful gift of comfort and support.

Key Aspects of This Gesture:

• Respects Autonomy: It allows the person to consume the food at their own pace without interruption.


• Reduces Cognitive Load: It eliminates the need for conversation, instructions, or decisions.


• Provides Comfort: It demonstrates thoughtfulness and care for their physical well-being while they are engaged in an activity.


• Simple yet Profound: It shows that serving someone doesn't need to be elaborate to be deeply appreciated.

---

Original, 2016:
Small things are big
photo by Hinano

Kindness, grace and generosity

Meredith wrote:

Expecting human relationships—of any kind—to be fair and equitable is a set-up for cynicism and disappointment in the human race. Human beings are marvelously varied in their needs and capabilities. It helps a whole lot to think in terms of needs and capabilities rather than rights or fairness or equality. What more can you do to support the people you love—including yourself? Kindness, grace, and generosity go a lot further toward creating warm relationships and a joyfully harmonious home than measuring out equality.

—Meredith Novak

SandraDodd.com/50/50
photo by Cátia Maciel

New Year's Abundance

Nicole wrote:

Thank you for the ways you have helped me embrace abundance and the positive impact this has on my family. I am entering this next season with serenity and enthusiasm. Many Blessings on your New Year!

And I mean abundance in so many ways. An abundance of ways I caught myself and made a more peaceful or joyful choice, an abundance of laughter. An abundance of forgiveness, for myself, my husband, my kids, the world. An abundance of times I stopped and was attentive to the subtle signs in my kids or myself and acted on them. An abundance of times I actually listened to my children's voices instead of mowing them over with my own way of seeing things without even noticing I was doing it. Like when my daughter quietly said, "I don't want a wooden guitar with strings, I want one of those pink ones with the flashing lights so I can rock out." And even though I could still hear the old voices and objections in my head, the superior ones, the critical ones, I recognized them and chose to support her instead (and she sure does rock out). In a thousand big and little shifts, the choice to open up, to believe I can receive goodness and share this with my children.

—Nicole
in comments on Doors
December 31, 2013

SandraDodd.com/abundance
photo by Cátia Maciel

Like Riding a Bicycle

Vickie Bergman, some of her nice analogy about unschooling being like riding bikes:

Your own bicycle is powered by your own legs, steered by your own hands. It stops when you stop, goes where you want to go. But it's not that you are always responsible for your own movement. You are not just left to figure it out for yourself. When you prefer to have some level of assistance getting where you want to go, you also have tandem bicycles and bike trailers available to you. You get to choose if you want help and what kind and how much. And your parents are ready to help whenever and however you want them to.

No matter which kind of bicycle you are on, there is no separation between you and the outside world. No window to look out. You can smell the real world, hear the real world, stop and touch the real world. You are part of the real world. There are paths to follow if you want to, but your rides are not limited to the paths.
. . . .

That is unschooling. It is not a model of education, but a way of life. It is recognizing that people learn from living, and there is no need to separate learning from living. Unschooling lets a family live together, learn together. It is built on trust among family members, and trust in human nature. Trust that children have a strong desire to learn about things, even if those things may not be on the short list of school subjects. Trust that, with your acceptance and support, your child will follow his own path, leading exactly where he wants to go.

—Vickie Bergman

More at: SandraDodd.com/bicycle
photo by Vickie Bergman

Focus on others

Joyce Fetteroll wrote:

Wanting your family to be happy, joyful and learning seems a perfectly fine goal! But you won't get there by focusing on what you want. You'll get there by focusing on what they want.

What are your kids interested in? What do they want? How can you support that?

—Joyce Fetteroll

SandraDodd.com/deschooling has a bit more of that, near the bottom
photo by Sandra Dodd

Quickly but gradually...

Instead of just going from lots of control to "do whatever you want," a really sweet way to do it is quickly but gradually. Quickly in your head, but not all of a sudden in theirs. Just allow yourself to say "okay" or "sure!" anytime it's not really going to be a problem.

If something isn't going to hurt anything (going barefoot, wearing the orange jacket with the pink dress, eating a donut, not coming to dinner because it's the good part of a game/show/movie, staying up later, dancing) you can just say "Okay."

And then later instead of "aren't you glad I let you do that? Don't expect it every time," you could say something reinforcing for both of you, like "That really looked like fun," or "It felt better for me to say yes than to say no. I should say 'yes' more," or something conversational but real.

The purpose of that is to help ease them from the controlling patterns to a more moment-based and support-based decision making mindset. If they want to do something and you say yes in an unusual way (unusual to them), communication will help. That way they'll know you really meant to say yes, that it wasn't a fluke, or you just being too distracted to notice what they were doing.

SandraDodd.com/eating/control.html
photo by Cátia Maciel

"It seems miraculous."

Sandra Dodd:

One of my favorite pages, on my site, is my collection of people saying they felt like they were unschooling and then something changed and they "got it." (sandradodd.com/gettingit)

People are saying things like "It seems miraculous" and "It is amazing how far reaching the effect was."

So this is part of why I'm uncompromising in my position about what does and what doesn't help.

When people want to dilute unschooling, I object.

Marta Pires:

I'm glad you're not willing to compromise.

Sandra Dodd:

When people want to devalue, granulate and scatter unschooling, they will keep people from reaching those miraculous-seeming and far-reaching results.

Alex Polikowsky:

And even more important is for those who think just doing nothing is the same as unschooling. I am talking disconnected, somewhat neglectful parents who may be sweet and all but still have not gotten it and that leaves kids without a real present partner they can rely on for support and guidance.

"Getting It" (chat transcript, 2014)
photo by Theresa Larson

Gently untangling "kind and gentle"

Part of something longer (linked below):

If your childhood abuse and neglect have left a lot of closed-off areas inside you, it would help to get therapy—even light help, to get you started on looking, a bit at a time, at what happened, and looking with a compassionate eye—compassion for the child you were, compassion for the adults who might have done better if they could have, if they knew more, if they had support for being kind and gentle. Then that would help you spread "kind and gentle" into the present, while you were gently untangling the snarls of your childhood memories.

The clearer your mind is of trauma and fear, the more easily your thoughts can flow, and connections can be made.

SandraDodd.com/awareness
photo by Sandra Dodd

Connection and trust

Leah Rose wrote:

Unschooling, deschooling, parenting peacefully, all of it called to me, deeply, but it felt like a huge risk, a giant gamble. But I'm so glad we didn't pull back, that we continued down the path. ...

Learning to parent mindfully, keeping my focus in the present, making choices towards peace, towards help and support, is not, as it turns out, much of a gamble or a risk. It is the surest path to connection and trust.

—Leah Rose

SandraDodd.com/guarantee
photo by Marin Holmes

Judging others "bad"

In a discussion of something else, regarding an actress, someone wrote:

I admit I love her on [a series she was on]. But oh, how I wish she was anti-circumcision, too.

That was WAY off topic.
I/Sandra reponded:

It might be worth considering not wanting any one person to provide everything for any other one person. By that I mean if you like something she does and benefit from watching a show she's on (or whatever it might be) it seems wrong to criticize her for not agreeing with everything.

It happens to me. People want me to support/do/be EVERYthing they themselves like/do/want, and complain if I am not vegan or protest-marching or religious or petitioning to change homeschooling laws in some particular country in another hemisphere. Maybe it should be enough that they like Just Add Light and Stir, without then telling me what I should think and do (and write and spend time on) about other issues.

Maybe there's something natural about it, but it's not logical or fair.

SandraDodd.com/judgment
photo by Gail Higgins

Support

Supporting someone or something requires strength and confidence.

Support is holding something up.
Support is upholding something.

Support your child. Lift him up above you.

New words, relating to older ideas:
SandraDodd.com/partners/child
photo by Sandra Dodd

Changing, building, and understanding

JoyfullyRejoycing

SandraDodd.com/unschooling

Those sites exist so that people can explore unschooling, but reading those pages doesn't make anyone an unschooler. Only changing one's own thoughts and beliefs and actions and reactions, and building a relationship with one's children based on those understandings can make unschooling work in a family.

There is a "there there" tradition among women. I've referred to it as "teaparty" talk in the past, and then made a page to illustrate what I was talking about. It *sounds* like support, but it's really more like "let's all avoid real thought together!" Unschooling takes real thought, and a desire to change. Any desire to be supported in staying the same will be a problem.

SandraDodd.com/support

Less entertaining, but easier to read from a phone:
"Support" messages all in one list
photo by Jo Isaac
❖

Figuring out what helps

Pam Sorooshian wrote:

Think about how you feel when you are "out of sorts." What will help you? What do you want from your family? I doubt it would help you for your husband to threaten, "If you behave badly again I'm going to take away your cell phone." You WANT to feel better, happier, nicer, right? What you need is support for doing what you, deep down, want for yourself.

Same with your kids. Lots of times that means to help them have the chance to be alone to recenter themselves.... Your kids don't KNOW yet what helps them—your role is to help them figure it out.

—Pam Sorooshian

Attentive parenting
photo by Julie Daniel

An aha! moment

Sylvia Woodman wrote:

When I first started going to LLL (La Leche League) meetings there was one mom (not a leader) in the group who was very gung-ho about boycotting Nestle and other companies who were connected with evil formula companies.

And I remember so vividly the leader very gently saying something to the effect that she could never keep track of all the companies she was not supposed to support and she found it much simpler to just spend time every day supporting moms who wanted to breastfeed and that eventually that would have a greater and more positive effect on the world she lived in.

It was an aha! moment—don't focus on the negative or how awful the situation is—take small steps toward positive change. Denying my kids Nestle chocolate isn't going to bring the formula industry to its knees. But helping my neighbor who just had a new baby, bringing her a meal or unloading her dishwasher are small things that I can do that will make a huge difference for my neighbor.

—Sylvia Woodman

SandraDodd.com/factors
photo by Sandra Dodd

Philosophy and principles

Joyce Fetteroll wrote:

The core idea of the unschooling philosophy is that humans are born learners. That's what John Holt observed over and over. Children will learn best when allowed to learn what, when and how they want.

That doesn't, of course, tell anyone what to do. The philosophy helps you make choices. The principles -- such as peace, trust, respect, support, helpfulness -- help you stay on course when situations make it difficult to.

—Joyce Fetteroll

The unschooling philosophy
photo by Christine Milne

Sleep, choices, jobs

[A] common question is whether someone who grew up without a schedule and a bed time and could ever hold "a real job." The assumption, I think, is that "real jobs" require getting up very early and at the same time every day. Marty did that for over a year when he worked at the grocery store near us. He worked Monday through Friday at 6:30 a.m. He had no problem with that schedule.

Looking up through the list of jobs, I will give as many shift-starting-times as I can remember, and you might wonder if someone who had grown up with a bed time and a regular schedule could ever hold a job.

AM

6:30 8:00 9:00 10:00 11:00

PM

1:00 3:00 4:30 5:00 6:00

---

Since this was written, the starting-times of jobs for my kids has gone around the clock, with Kirby starting sometimes at 11:00 at night (at Blizzard, like a hospital graveyard shift), and beginning at 5:00 a.m. (one of his computer support jobs when he moved back to Albuquerque). When Marty worked stocking shelves at Target, at Christmas season, he was there at 4:00 a.m. a time or two. Probably more.

SandraDodd.com/jobs/bigbook
photo by Janine Davies