Calm and thoughtful

"Rebellion for the sake of rebellion is as bad as conformity for the sake of conformity."

—Sandra, 2011

Live in the middle. A life of calm, thoughtful choice-making is more relaxing.

SandraDodd.com/balance
photo by Brie Jontry
(there's a moose)

Escape, relaxation, stories

Escapism isn't a bad thing.

Relaxation is a great thing.

Taking in stories and ideas is a healthy human thing that's been happening since cavemen sat around fires (or since Adam and Eve started comparing notes about what they might've seen or eaten that day, if you prefer that).


When I came to see whether the quote above had been used,
I searched for "cavemen" and found
Elvis, Barbie and Rebellion.
The quote above is from "Safe on the Couch"
photo by Jo Isaac

Avoiding rebellion

For those who started a decade or so before the teen years, who conscientiously treated their children with respect and consideration, who gave them choices of all sizes and helped them figure out how to get along well and happily in the world, rebellion does not come.

SandraDodd.com/respect/
photo by Sandra Dodd, of volunteer golden columbine flowers we nurtured and appreciated, but did not create or "manage"

Persuasion and explanations

A person can only "refuse" what is demanded, maybe, the same way a child can only rebel against something that is required arbitrarily. Because if the mom can explain persuasively why she thinks something should be a certain way, the others might understand, and choose that for the reasons stated, not because the mom said so.

SandraDodd.com/rebellion
photo by Elise Lauterbach

Guidance and options

Robyn Coburn wrote:

Intentions matter. Guidance offered from the place of partnership and trust has a different feeling, avoids rebellion, and is just plain less focused on the trivial. Guidance means optional acceptance instead of mandatory compliance. Guidance means parents being safety nets, not trap doors or examiners. Guidance facilitates mindfulness. Directives shut it down, and may even foster resentment instead.

The idea of Unschooling is for parents to be the facilitators of options, the openers of doors, the creators of environments of freedom, and the guardians of choice, not the installers of roadblocks and barriers. Unschoolers are making the huge and wonderful choice to renounce our legal entitlements to be the authoritarian controllers of our children's lives, and instead choose to be their partners.

—Robyn Coburn

SandraDodd.com/choicerobyn
photo by Tara Joe Farrell

Part of the solution

Joyce wrote:

If we're creating an atmosphere of power struggle, the kids will fight back to win. If we're creating an atmosphere of problem solving, the kids will feel part of the solution rather than part of the problem.

—Joyce Fetteroll

SandraDodd.com/rebellion
photo by Julie D

Inside choices

Someone wrote, of a six-year-old, once:

She's currently refusing to go outside.

I responded:

She can't refuse if no one is pressuring or demanding.

SandraDodd.com/rebellion
photo by Deb Lewis

Constant flow of thoughts

Rebellion for the sake of rebellion is as bad as conformity for the sake of conformity.


SandraDodd.com/issues
photo by Karen James

Escape, Relaxation, Stories

Escapism isn't a bad thing.

Relaxation is a great thing.

Taking in stories and ideas is a healthy human thing that's been happening since cavemen sat around fires (or since Adam and Eve started comparing notes about what they might've seen or eaten that day, if you prefer that).


When I came to see whether the quote above had been used,
I searched for "cavemen" and found
Elvis, Barbie and Rebellion.
The quote above is from "Safe on the Couch"
photo by Jo Isaac

Guidance means...

Robyn Coburn wrote:

Every time you feel the urge to control a choice, you can ask yourself "why?" and begin to question the assumptions (or fears) about children, parenting, learning and living joyfully that you are holding on to.

Intentions matter. Guidance offered from the place of partnership and Trust has a different feeling, avoids rebellion, and is just plain less focused on the trivial. Guidance means optional acceptance instead of mandatory compliance. Guidance means parents being safety nets, not trap doors or examiners. Guidance facilitates mindfulness. Directives shut it down, and may even foster resentment instead.

—Robyn Coburn

SandraDodd.com/option
photo by Janine Davies

Creating rebellion

In response to someone who described her child as "a rebellion factory":

The conditions required to create rebellion don't exist at my house. I don't think unschooling provides a good environment for a rebellion factory to emerge.

SandraDodd.com/rebellion
photo by Rippy Dusseldorp
___

Huge and wonderful choice

Robyn Coburn wrote:

Intentions matter. Guidance offered from the place of partnership and trust has a different feeling, avoids rebellion, and is just plain less focused on the trivial. Guidance means optional acceptance instead of mandatory compliance. Guidance means parents being safety nets, not trap doors or examiners. Guidance facilitates mindfulness. Directives shut it down, and may even foster resentment instead.

The idea of Unschooling is for parents to be the facilitators of options, the openers of doors, the creators of environments of freedom, and the guardians of choice, not the installers of roadblocks and barriers. Unschoolers are making the huge and wonderful choice to renounce our legal entitlements to be the authoritarian controllers of our children's lives, and instead choose to be their partners.

—Robyn Coburn

SandraDodd.com/choicerobyn
photo by Sandra Dodd, of a long-ago Kirby

Do the best you can.

When rules are shaken off and principles are in play, it wouldn't make sense for a teen to think and then choose something really horrible. If the parents were saying "Consider all the factors you know and do the best you can," why would someone "rebel" against that?

SandraDodd.com/rebellion
photo by Sandra Dodd

Who resists learning?

Pam Sorooshian, on her daughters' experiences in college:

Unschooling seemed to have given them HUGE advantages in college. They were, frankly, shocked at the poor preparation and attitudes of most other students. Other students seemed to them to be "going through the motions," but were not really interested in learning.

It is hard to explain, but all three of my kids and all of their unschooled friends who have gone to college have repeatedly tried to articulate that there seemed to be "something wrong" with so many of the other students and that they seemed actually resistant to learning. The unschooled kids were there because they wanted to be there, first of all. They knew they had a choice and that makes a big difference. A sense of coercion leads to either outright rebellion, passive resistance, or apathy and my kids saw all of those playing out among the majority of their fellow students.

That quote is the middle of something longer that's here: SandraDodd.com/college
The photo is of Roya Sorooshian, and I don't know who took it.

---

Notes:
1) Pam Sorooshian has been a college economics professor longer than she has been a mother.
2) "College," in American terminology, is the early years of what is called elsewhere "university." Sorry for the difference in English-speaking-countries' disconnect on this. In the British system, "college" is what would be our last two years of high school, in a way, sort of; sorry.

Intentions matter.

Robyn Coburn wrote:

Intentions matter.

Guidance offered from the place of partnership and Trust has a different feeling, avoids rebellion, and is just plain less focused on the trivial. Guidance means optional acceptance instead of mandatory compliance. Guidance means parents being safety nets, not trap doors or examiners. Guidance facilitates mindfulness. Directives shut it down, and may even foster resentment instead.

The idea of Unschooling is for parents to be the facilitators of options, the openers of doors, the creators of environments of freedom, and the guardians of choice, not the installers of roadblocks and barriers. Unschoolers are making the huge and wonderful choice to renounce our legal entitlements to be the authoritarian controllers of our children's lives, and instead choose to be their partners.

SandraDodd.com/choice
photo by Sandra Dodd, inside a tile shop in Austin

Elvis, Barbie and Rebellion

I started to name this post "Elvis," but up popped "Elvis, Barbie and Rebellion." When I went to search my other blogs to see why that was happening, I found "Elvis, Battle of New Orleans, Pinky and the Brain, Cavemen."

Those two sets of words, separated from their origins, are more interesting than what I had originally intended to write about Elvis. I invite you ponder for a moment what I might have been thinking.

If you get tired of that, you are welcome to explore the first one and the other one, at your leisure.
photo by Holly Dodd herself