Trusting and seeing

Joyce Fetteroll wrote:

Unschooling is trusting in a child's natural curiosity to teach them what they need to know. The parent is there to answer questions, talk, infect the kids by their own curiosity about life! (though curious about what you're interested rather in what you think would be good for the kids to be interested in!), bring in cool resources (that the kids can feel free to ignore if it just isn't the right moment for their interest to ignite).

The hard parts are:

trusting natural curiosity to draw your child to what they need to learn when. (Math is fascinating. Kids only get turned off to it by the boring way school approaches it.)

trusting a child's natural schedule rather than the school imposed one (eg, that the child will read eventually even if they aren't doing so at 7 because reading is always a pleasurable activity not an imposed tedious one, they will multiply even if they aren't doing it at 9)

trusting that it's okay for kids to learn things out of order! It doesn't bother kids at all to pick up interesting tidbits about Thomas Jefferson, knightly armor, Egyptian mummies, WW2 combat planes. They make their own connections as they get more and more things in place. (Later, an orderly approach will be fascinating to them as they can make even more connections.)

seeing real learning that is right there all around you, for example, the things that need sorted, the cookies to divide, the planning for a party that are all real live math. And it's especially tough to trust that those few minutes of real engaged figuring are worth 20 pages of worksheet practice.

—Joyce Fetteroll

SandraDodd.com/unschool/moredefinitions
photo by Sandra Dodd, in Liverpool

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Joyce and I got to visit Liverpool in 2013, thanks to Julie and Adam Daniel.

Bit by bit

Joyce Fetteroll wrote:

We all have issues about something. They go deep and are tangled up around other stuff but working at them bit by bit can make them better.

—Joyce Fetteroll

SandraDodd.com/issues
photo by Cátia Maciel

Facilitator and companion

I’ve been credited with the description below, but it was written by Joyce Fetteroll and tweaked by Pam Sorooshian and me before it was published at the UnschoolingDiscussion site, on googlegroups:

Although unschooling is often described as a homeschooling style, it is, in fact, much more than just another homeschool teaching method. Unschooling is both a philosophy of natural learning and the lifestyle that results from living according to the principles of that philosophy.

The most basic principle of unschooling is that children are born with an intrinsic urge to explore — for a moment or a lifetime – what intrigues them, as they seek to join the adult world in a personally satisfying way. Because of that urge, an unschooling child is free to choose the what, when, where and how of his/her own learning from mud puddles to video games and SpongeBob Squarepants to Shakespeare! And an unschooling parent sees his/her role, not as a teacher, but as a facilitator and companion in a child’s exploration of the world.

Unschooling is a mindful lifestyle which encompasses, at its core, an atmosphere of trust, freedom, joy and deep respect for who the child is. This cannot be lived on a part-time basis. Unschooling sometimes seems so intuitive that people feel they’ve been doing it all along, not realizing it has a name. Unschooling sometimes seems so counterintuitive that people struggle to understand it, and it can take years to fully accept its worth.

—Joyce Fetteroll, aided by
Pam Sorooshian
and Sandra Dodd

SandraDodd.com/unschooling
photo by Clare Kirkpatrick

Point of view

Joyce Fetteroll wrote:

Being mindful won't prevent kids from getting frustrated but it will be a huge step in the right direction. Seeing the world from kids' point of view will help you understand why they are reacting to the world as they are."

—Joyce Fetteroll

SandraDodd.com/mindfulparenting
photo by Nancy Machaj

Let go!

Joyce wrote:

Formal learning is being certain you can't let go of the side of the pool. Unschooling is paddling around in the deep end.

—Joyce Fetteroll

SandraDodd.com/nutshells
photo by Cátia Maciel

Quickly, slowly, connections are made

Joyce Fetteroll, in "Five Steps to Unschooling":

Forget the linear approach to learning we grew up with. For instance, we learned that the way to learn is to read "all the important" stuff about a subject gathered and packaged for our convenience in a textbook and then move on in line to the next package of information.

Sure, sometimes an interest will cause kids to gather up a huge chunk of learning all at once. This is easy to see. And easy to overvalue as the "best" way to learn.

More often kids will slowly gather interesting tidbits, making connections as things occur to them to create a foundation. They'll add pieces here and there over the years to build on that foundation. This is not so easy to see going on. And very easy to undervalue.

So, if we can train ourselves to see that process we can help it along by valuing the times when they see Thomas Jefferson on Animaniacs and then later on the nickel and then still later on Mount Rushmore. Those moments will establish a feeling of recognition and familiarity. Then the more tidbits they gather about Jefferson, the more interesting he becomes. And the more interesting he becomes, the more they want to know about him.

It took at least two years and a lot of posts by very patient unschoolers (and a lot of questions by other newbies who were equally confused) for me to finally "get" unschooling. Hopefully, these five steps will make your transition to unschooling easier than mine was!

—Joyce Fetteroll

"Five Steps to Unschooling"
by Joyce Fetteroll, published in Home Education Magazine in 2000
photo by Sandra Dodd, 2011
(Adults keep picking up trivia and making connections over the years, too.)

Respect makes sense

Joyce wrote::

When kids feel respected, when they've experienced a life time of their desires being respected and supported to find safe, respectful, doable ways to get what they want, kids won't push the envelope into craziness. That behavior just doesn't make sense to them.

Kids who've been controlled focus on pushing against that control, sometimes focus on the hurt of not being accepted for who they are, and do things just because they're not supposed to.

— Joyce Fetteroll

SandraDodd.com/partners/child
photo by Caren Knox

Focus on others

Joyce Fetteroll wrote:

Wanting your family to be happy, joyful and learning seems a perfectly fine goal! But you won't get there by focusing on what you want. You'll get there by focusing on what they want.

What are your kids interested in? What do they want? How can you support that?

—Joyce Fetteroll

SandraDodd.com/deschooling has a bit more of that, near the bottom
photo by Sandra Dodd

Atmosphere and attitude

Joyce Fetteroll, in an interview:

"A rich environment" is everything, not just what’s in the house, but the stuff that families do outside the house, the opportunities available, and the parents’ own attitude. It’s the parents’ attitude that creates the atmosphere, the attitude toward curiosity, play, and towards the kids. A rich environment lets kids explore their interests while also swirling opportunities through their lives to discover new interests.

—Joyce Fetteroll

---

That is the middle of five paragraphs, in which Joyce describes unschooling. I've saved it at "What is Unschooling?" (linked below).

SandraDodd.com/definitions
photo by Holly Dodd

As understanding grows

Joyce Fetteroll wrote:

It usually takes a long time before people new to unschooling stop looking for new rules to replace old ones. The more people are discouraged from skimming a surface understanding of unschooling, discouraged from relying on meaningless reassurances that going through the motions of unschooling with crossed fingers and assurances everything will be fine, the better for their kids.

Unschooling is a paradigm shift for most everyone. That shift doesn't happen by acting like other unschoolers. It comes slowly, bit by bit, as understanding of what unschooling is grows.

—Joyce Fetteroll

From Always Learning; third post down

or at the current groups.io site
photo by Jihong Tang

Respected and supported

Joyce Fetteroll wrote:

When kids know their parents are on their sides, when parents help them find safe ways to do what they want to do, then kids do listen when we help them be safe.

When kids feel respected, when they've experienced a lifetime of their desires being respected and supported to find safe, respectful, doable ways to get what they want, kids won't push the envelope into craziness. That behavior just doesn't make sense to them.

—Joyce Fetteroll

SandraDodd.com/partners/child
photo by Roya Dedeaux

Various doorways

Joyce Fetteroll wrote:

Learning is defined not just as sucking in information about something the child is interested in. Learning is also figuring out the big picture and how things connect. Figuring out how stuff works, figuring out how people work, making connections, seeing patterns. This is a mechanical, biological process. It's how humans—all learning animals really—naturally learn, how kids are born learning.

Natural learning is like a doorway. We can't change the doorway but we can change the outside world so kids can more easily reach what intrigues them.

—Joyce Fetteroll
(original)

SandraDodd.com/joycefetteroll
photo by Sandra Dodd, in Pérouges, France

Exploring interesting things

Joyce Fetteroll wrote:

What can we do to help natural learning along?

We can help our kids explore their interests. If they're exploring their interests, they're doing real world work that will provide feedback on how well they're putting their puzzles together. We can bring the world to them so they have access to new interests. They can't know they're interested in the Titanic or haiku poetry or sheep shearing if they don't know they exist.

—Joyce Fetteroll

SandraDodd.com/joyce/talk
photo by Sandra Dodd

Thinking and maybe rethinking

"Thoughts and opinions that don't match reality should be rethought."

—Joyce Fetteroll

SandraDodd.com/tvchoice
photo by Sandra Dodd

Love. Generosity. Simple and kind.

Over the years when people have said, "But I have to wash the dishes," people such as Deb Lewis and Joyce Fetteroll have made many sensible and sometimes shocking suggestions. People could get cheap dishes at garage sales and throw them away. They could use paper plates and burn them for fuel, or throw them away or compost them. They could eat over the sink or stove. They could make food that doesn't need plates, and use paper towels, or newspaper or printer paper. They could eat out.

Some people say "But cockroaches will come," or "our house has ants" or "mice."

Submerge the dishes in water until morning, and they'll be easy to wash. Get a dishwasher.

But the attitude that someone has to wash the dishes gets in the way of seeing options.

Wash dishes because you want to. What would make you want to? Love. Generosity. A desire to have an available kitchen, a clean slate, a fresh canvas. The wish to do something simple and kind for yourself and others. The wish to keep peace in your house. ...

There's more before that, and after that:
Washing Dishes
photo by Sandra Dodd

other dishes, from around the world,
in photos on Just Add Light and Stir

Online real-life safety

Deborah Cunefare wrote:

My kids know that if they meet someone online and decide they'd like to get together in real life, I'll do my very best to help make it happen. We've driven across states to meet up with families in their homes who we only know from online until we get there.

A predator would have a really really REALLY hard time getting my kid into a situation they could be taken advantage of. A kid who isn't supposed to talk to anyone they don't know has much incentive to agree to sneak out to meet that person - the parent isn't going to agree because the kid was breaking the rules. They're easy prey. My kids, on the other hand, know that they can ask and I'll drive them to a safe meeting. If the "friend" said "Oh no, don't tell your mom" that's a huge red flag for them.

—Deborah Cunefare

SandraDodd.com/onlinesafety
photo by Julie Daniel

Coda: I thought the photo was mine, at first, because I was there. Someone from England drove me and Joyce Fetteroll (who are ordinarily in New Mexico and Massachusetts, respectively) to visit a family in Scotland. Without online discussions using real names, we would not have known one another, and I would not have seen that wonderful old wall, patched more than once over a couple or three centuries, and that shelf, and...

We KNOW fear and negativity to be dangers. We know joy and newness can add to peace and learning.

Look in a new way

Joyce wrote:

There's more to unschooling than just not doing school. To make it flourish we need to look at ourselves, our relationship, the way we look at the world in a new way to clear out the thinking that's holding us back.

—Joyce Fetteroll

The danger of "Lazy" and other thoughts
photo by Sandra Dodd

Understanding it, not acting it

Joyce Fetteroll wrote:

It usually takes a long time before people new to unschooling stop looking for new rules to replace old ones. The more people are discouraged from skimming a surface understanding of unschooling, discouraged from relying on meaningless reassurances that going through the motions of unschooling with crossed fingers and assurances everything will be fine, the better for their kids.

Unschooling is a paradigm shift for most everyone. That shift doesn't happen by acting like other unschoolers. It comes slowly, bit by bit, as understanding of what unschooling is grows.

—Joyce Fetteroll
(original)

SandraDodd.com/gettingit
photo by Karen James

Extraordinary doings

Joyce Fetteroll wrote:

It helped me think more clearly about unschooling when I realized unschooling isn’t something kids do. Unschooling is something parents do. Unschooling is *parents* creating a learning environment for kids to explore their interests in.

Unschooled kids aren’t doing anything out of the ordinary. They’re merely doing what comes naturally. They’re doing what all animals with lengthy childhoods do. They learn by doing what interests them in an environment that gives them opportunities to explore.

Unschooling is parents doing something extraordinary. It’s deliberately creating an environment where kids are supported in pursuing their interests.

—Joyce Fetteroll

SandraDodd.com/unschoolingis
photo by Rosie Moon

All fun and games

An angsty mom wrote:

I know in the nitty gritty of my heart, I'm not okay with a life philosophy that centers on "if it's fun I'm here, and if it's not, I'm gone."

Joyce Fetteroll responded:

Don't think of what we're talking about as fun, then. Think of it as joy. Or fulfilling. Or satisfying.

Even the most joyful life isn't all peaches and cream. Sometimes it rains when we wanted it sunny. Sometimes a friend cancels when we wanted to do something together. Sometimes accomplishing something means working through a period of frustration.

Life will naturally throw lemons at us fairly regularly. But what we don't need is to squirt life with artificial lemon juice to prepare us.

—Joyce Fetteroll

There's more: Life can't be all fun and games
photo by Karen James